[Luv]

Hey all,

Today dh and I were watching my cousins 6month old son (practicing I guess ) and as we were going through the mall we ran into several people that I havent seen in years and/or several months, they all asked the same questions....When were you pregnant? When did you have another baby? Is that your baby etc. This made me think how will I answer these questions when we adopt a child? Do you have any suggestions or what do you folks say when someone inquires about your adoptive child?

wonder

Luv

[Leigh131313]

ohh...now..that all depends...


Depending who it is and how i'm feeling...sometimes i tell people that we adopted.....other times I don't. I have friends that i havent spoken to in years, and when they do pop up, I dont always tell them that we adopted, it just doesnt come up. It's not that i'm hiding it, sometimes i just dont want to explain it.


One thing i found interesting....I was in my hometown a few months ago, and we ran into an OOOOOOLLLLLLLD friend...like from Jr. High. Anyhoo, he made a comment that he couldnt figure out who my son looked more like, to which i responded, "well, he's adopted, so neither!" He was surprised and happy for us and we talked a little and we left...afterwards, my dh asked why i told him that, he's is just OURS plain and simple.......He didnt mind, just didnt understand.....and truthfully i dont know why i told him.....all i can say is....somedays i do tell, and others i dont! lol
Not much help, right? lol sorry....
Leigh

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

HI,

I agree with Leigh. Some days I tell some days I don't it all depends on my mood.

Before the parents rights were terminated I would feel obligated to explain (to certain people) that the kids were our foster children that we were hoping to adopt. Now that we're in the process of adopting them we just say, thank you when people say how beautiful they are, and answer yes when asked if they're our, etc.

It is VERY obvious they're not our biological kids. Dh and I are both dark hair, I have brown eyes, he has hazel, I'm olive complected, he's fair. The kids are both light blonde hair, light blue eyes. We are both 43, they are 1, 2, 3.

The question that KILLS ME is, "are they your grandkids!" UGH, that makes me want to slap the person, not explain to them!!! My dh has gray hair (had it since he was 27) so he looks older than 43 - I DON'T (well, I color it LOL). Even my 15 y/o fs says I only look 39 LMAO.

We consider these our children. Any one that needs to know how they came into our family already know. The others I try to judge their intentions before responding.

Michelle

[SadieAnn]

We are matched & waiting for birth, but recently I was on the other end of your question, and it gave me an interesting perspective. Dh & I bumped into a couple we just barely knew. They are 40s, with straight dark hair carrying a 2 yr old with bouncy blond curls. I innocently asked, where did he get that beautiful blond hair?! The woman gave me the strangest look, hesitated, and then said, "he's adopted". You should of seen the look on her dh face, he was not happy with her for mentioning it. (Remember, we barely knew them). Of course I was thrilled they mentioned it. Because I happily responded, "That's wonderful! He's gorgeous! We are pursuing adoption and our son is due in a month! "

Then everyone relaxed and we had a great time talking about their adoption road & ours. They shared some great info and we all became quickly better acquainted.

But it was clear at the moment I asked my question about child's hair, that husband "did not" feel like revealing adoption and the wife did. So it made us realize that once we get our son home (at least when we are out and about as a family) we perhaps should decide how we are going to handle such questions. Otherwise it sounds like a good opportunity for a "couple spat"! (Not that we ever have any of those!! lol). Good luck!

[JenCo]

DH and I are both on the short side....I am 5'2 and DH is 5'7. Well, dd is tall for her age and the doctor estimates that she will be between 5'8 and 5'9! LOL! People often comment on her height for some reason (a huge pet peeve of mine) and ask, "Oh, where did she get her height from? You husband must be TALL!". I just respond by saying, "she has tall genes". I've never had anyone inquire what exactly that means. LOL! On the other hand in some situations I am very comfortable sharing the fact that dd was adopted. It just depends on who is asking and my mood at the time.

Jennifer

[Waiting4Skip]

Our son will always know he was adopted from Russia, so I guess for us it's not an issue. More of a problem is people asking for "details": cost, why his mother gave up her parental rights, etc....that's what REALLY bugs me!

Judy

[Leigh131313]

Waiting for skip...

I just wanted to let you know that my son is also going to be very aware that he was adopted...we have an open adoption.....this is not something i would ever hide from HIM.. I hopeyou didnt think from my post that it was a secret or anything.. Just for people who arent in our circle of friends, i dont always feel the need to go into it.

and yeah, doesnt the "why did she give him away" question drive you nuts???

Leigh

[JewelMarie]

Thanks for starting this thread. Those are questions that I have wondered about. Since I am adopting an older child, they will know about their adoption. However, when I run it others, I don't want to always have to explain to them that my child is adopted...I wonder what that does to a child who has low self esteem issues. I somewhat feels like if I was in that position, then I would feel a little not totally in the family. I would feel like there is a title that is like the barrier to being fully the aparent's child. So now I am thinking of how to approach this question and all the other silly questions that will come us.

Keep discussing, this information is very helpful and I enjoy reading the stories.

[mj77]

I used to volunteer, proudly I must say, that my son was adopted (back when we just had our first son). I loved to hear their reaction as our kids certainly could pass as genetically ours. I have gotten used to the idea though now and when I run into someone (rarely) I just go on and don't think as much about my kids being adopted. If someone where to comment that they didn't know I was pregnant, I would tell them that I wasn't. They can guess the rest. If they ask if we adopted our kids, I proudly say we did.

[Luv]

Thanks everyone this is great, I hope to continue to get responses to different scenarios!

leigh I really like the way you handle it (on an idividual basis, oh and I personally didnt think you were making it a secret I got it ) But I also like the one where some stated if asked when they were pregnant you would say "I wasnt" and let them figure it out. I really just dont want to go through "the mall" all day explaining "my business" So I loved your answers. Oh and I didnt even think of the one about "why did thier bmom give them up" thats going to be a doozy (sp)! So how do you all answer that one, if I may ask? This is a great thread, if I may say so myself
Keep it going. Oh and from now on (which I hope I havent done this in the past unconciously), I will never make comments to couples regarding the differences between them and their children as a common courtesy

Luv

[skootinalong2]

It's a hard one for me. We are older, too. I am 46 and DH is 47. He got gray hair in his mid 30's. Our next door neighbor thinks I am a tramp. LOL! A's school papers blew out of the garbage and some went in fornt of her house. I was collecting them. She was reading one of them and asked if there were my son's papers. I said yes. (We are his legal guardians so he has a different last name) She said **** isn't your last name. I said no it isn't, took the papers, said good bye and went home. She came over to ask my DD if she could move her car, the tree man was coming. She asked what her last name was. She told her (she's married) and she said that's not your dad's last name. DD said not it isn't. MY DH was out front and she was talking to him. She says A isn't your son, is he. DH says he's my son. I was out front with T (22 mos. in the process of adopting) and she said that's not your grandson. I said no he's my son. She got the funniest look on her face. I was so tempted to tell her I sleep around, but I have a feeling that's what she is already thinking.

I know I am being a brat about it but the whole neighborhood doesnt need to know my business.

No one else has asked me questions yet. I have enjoyed reading everyone's responses. A obviously knows we are not his birth parents and T will always know he's adopted. I need to get a book or two and start reading them to him. Any suggestions?

[Luv]

skootinalong,

sorry no suggestions on a book but your "nosey" neighbor doing a survey on your complete family was cute/funny the way you put it, (stating that she must think youre a tramp I could have had alot of fun w/him/her on this one!!!!!!

luv

[Leigh131313]

oh, scootinalong2, just admit it...you ARE a tramp...lol

Leigh

[icunurse]

I tend to say as much as I am comfortable with, depending on who is asking and what they need to know. I used to just casually mention his adoption, but realized that, for most people, it is none of their business (however, it is my son's business and his story to tell if/when he's ready). We are in an open adoption and I am proud of both adoption and of my son, but I want to get into a good habit early on of not making his adoption single him out.

[JewelMarie]

My mom gave me a good answer to give others as long as my child is alright with it. (I am adopting an older child). When others ask if you were pregnant, say, "yes, in my heart." Let them figure out the rest.
My mom said that contractions with adoption are heart contractions and sometimes can hurt more for longer period than physical contractions. So she sees both as valued and important. She told me not to belittle my experience.