[amissingpiece]

Just curious:

How did most of you go about adopting or applying to agency?

Did you:


A. Do the "profile" route, and create a scrapbook and dear birthmother letter, describing your home, your marriage, the nursery, your dog, etc....


--OR--

B. The "agency match" route, where you fill out the application and wait in line until the agency finds a potential birth mom / baby that meets your particular request.

Also:
Would you sign with an agency that requires $$$$ up front or one that asks for $$$$ only after a referral is made???

Can anyone offer any info on which is better these days, which is fastest, what are the pros/cons of each? Any info will be appreciated.

Dh and I want to "market" ourselves in the best possible way, obviously, to make the transition to parenthood as quick as possible.

[Jensboys]

Hi! Just some thoughts on a lazy Thursday ...

First off, remember that the relationship with your child and their first family is a lifetime relationship. So it isnt about marketing yourself or getting the quickest access to a baby ... its about finding the best possible match for the CHILD in the form of a family. Meaning, the entire process shouldnt be about finding you a child, but rather finding the right family for a particular child - and as such that child's birthfamily.

By taking yourself out of the equation and allowing the agency to "match" for you - it doesnt allow you to experience a relationship with the child's first family. And that relationship will be essential down the road to the child. However, by taking that route, it can help ensure that you arent subconsciously coercing the expectant mother to "pick me pick me". So pros and cons of both methods.

Also remember, you arent writing a "Dear Birthmother" letter (although that is what they are usually called) because the letter will be viewed either by an expectant mother considering adoption or a mother, currently mothering an already born baby, considering adoption. It helps to keep that mindset ... your job isnt to convince her to place her baby with you - your job is to be as honest as possible so that a possible match can be as successful as is possible. And she is a mother only (vs. being a birthmother) until she signs the papers and her time to revoke that permission has past, after that, she is still a mother with a different role. Namely, being a first mother, natural mother, life mother or birthmother depending on her name of choice.

I can understand your strong desire to be a mother ... but its always essential (and sometimes difficult) to remember that adoptive parenting is different in many ways to biological parenting. Not the love, not the joy, not the pleasure or the responsibility BUT a whole lot else. Your child will always have two sets of parents, there will always be another mother out there who loves that child as much as you do, your child will always have that connection to their birthfamily that cant be erased with adoption or forgotten by the child (or hopefully their family). Its so essential that we as adoptive moms process that before we place your hopes and dreams onto the shoulders of a little one. We have to love our adopted children uniquely for WHO they are and HOW they joined our family - not as a replacement for any biological children we didnt have. You might want to check out lifemothers.com for a great & interesting perspective on birthparents and adoption.

I wish you well. Adoption is a long journey - really a lifetime journey.

[lovemy6]

I've read lots of forums over the years and have seen some pap's wait a LONG time to get their child placed with them, while others were matched before the ink even dried on their homestudies. This is what I've learned most: The child that is meant to be yours WILL become yours. There's nothing you can do to force it or rush it.

I had a lot of foster children through my home. Many of them looked as though they would become available for adoption and I was thrilled, but it never came to be. I finally became frustrated and went with an adoption agency, so I could get "a sure thing". I had another adoption fall through. I went back to fostering and fostered the children whom I would later adopt. I waited three long years for them, but in the end, they ARE the children who were meant to be my family. Some things are just meant to be!

[amissingpiece]

I am fully aware of both the positive points as well as the negative aspects (albeit small negative aspects) of becoming an adoptive parent. My husband and I have an excellent chance of conception thru IVF. We have, however, based on our research and personal desires, made the decision to adopt.

I am NOT attempting to obtain a "quick fix" as you have implied.
I am NOT attempting to "fill a void" for a conventional family thru adoption as you have implied.

If you read my post, you will see that dh and I have already applied to 2 agencies and are in the waiting phase. We have made our decision and quite honestly, I was just curious as to how others are going about the process.

Anyone elses choices will not impact the choices which we have made.

I am highly offended by your response. You write as if you believe that we are in attempt to "keep up with the jones'".
I have not attempted to explore anyone elses reasons for becoming an adoptive parent and I would appreciate it if you would refrain from attempting to judge mine.

I am aware that a "mother" is not a "birthmother" until the paperwork is signed. Thank you for the clarification.....

At times, my initiative to become a parent makes me want to go on prime time television and BEG...That's why we are all here.
TO BECOME PARENTS!!!! Ultimately, becoming an adoptive parent is about MARKETING yourselves to some degree. Call it what you want. "Networking" / "Marketing" = SAME THING. Everyone hopes to be "picked" by a mother/birthmother (only after the paper is signed, mind you)

I joined this forum group to obtain a positive support system. Quite frankly, you are the first person to make me feel negativity.

[amissingpiece]

my previous post was meant for "jensboys", not you lovemy6!!!

Just a clarification!!!

[Jensboys]

If you could show me where exactly my post says you are attempting a quick fix I would be happy to change it. I was simply commenting as an adoptive parent several years into the process of actually parenting adopted kids ... and having councelled MANY MANY pre-adoptive parents of the issues they face and have to process during the journey.

What I saw in your post is that you wanted hints about how to get a baby, ANY baby as quickly as possible. What my post was was a very gently, simple reminder that that isnt what adoption SHOULD be about - sometimes although it is what adoption is about and that creates problems. I agree that sometimes you have to let people know you are available to adopt, but like your subsequent post says that you are willing to go on TV and "BEG" for a baby, shows me that maybe you havent yet processed the realities I was attempting to gently share with you.

Adoption shouldn't be about "begging for a baby" it really should be about finding the BEST match between you, the potential birthparents and the baby in question. If an agency is guaranteeing a match in a certain length of time, or someone advises you on how to best promote yourself to be choosen, I would honestly be concerned.

I have seen too many devastated families who choose the "fastest track" route to their child.

I am sorry if my reminder struck you as insensitive. It certainly wasnt my intention.

Again, good luck in your journey.

[Katrinad]

Two points I've come across: it is about the best match for the child, and it is about doing everything in your power to become a parent.

Please do not catch me up in an argument, however, in our classes we sat next to people to muttered and grumbled about issues discussed the whole time, and are continuing through the adoption process as ideal candidates. Because dh disapproved and made his opinion known, we are no longer in the process. It is my own view that people will do whatever they have to, in a myriad of situations, not just parenting.

I apologise, this has nothing whatsoever to do with your original question!

[amissingpiece]

jensboys

FYI ---

My sister and I are adopted. I am quite aware of how to deal with adoptive family issues. Thank you for your unsolicited input.

If you had no mal-intent, then I accept it as such. However, I think you should save your "counseling" for those who request it.


The adoption industry, I think remarkably, we might BOTH agree, is full of "big business". I'm sorry that you took a simple phrase such as "sometimes I want a family so badly that I would go on prime time TV and beg" as being literal, not figurative.

Jen--it was just an expression. Come down off the soap box and Lighten Up!! I just want to be a mom. Same as you.

[Jensboys]

Sorry that you took offense, none was intended.

However, it could be noted that when you post a question on a public forum under "General Adoptive Parent Support" you are looking for and requesting a variety of opinions and unsolicited advice. As you can tell my the number of my posts - I am ALWAYS happy to give lol

THIS is something I have learned after many years on the forums ... a variety of opinions is the spice that draws us back .

[amissingpiece]

No offense taken if no offense intended.

Truce???

[79nic]

I am going to try to respond to the original question here...
_________

Did you:


A. Do the "profile" route, and create a scrapbook and dear birthmother letter, describing your home, your marriage, the nursery, your dog, etc....


--OR--

B. The "agency match" route, where you fill out the application and wait in line until the agency finds a potential birth mom / baby that meets your particular request.
__________

First, just to make sure I'm following correctly.. you are wanting to adopt a newborn, correct?

The reason I ask is this..... I'm wondering if there are really many agencies who don't have all p-aparents create profiles?

My understanding of the way most agencies work these days is that all p-aparents create a profile and DBML. Then, if the agency happens to have a p-birthmother who doesn't want to pick aparents, the agency will make the match. But that this is not standard.

I really see no benefits to p-aparents in NOT doing a profile and DBML. You could still always get matched by the agency even with the profile/DBML.... but without them, you'll never get picked by a p-bmother.

Am I missing something? Not understanding how your agencies work?

Just curious...

[katieb31323]

I am seconding 79nic's question...are there agencies out there yet that don't have you make a profile of some kind to show to pbparents? If so, how sad! To me those are an important first link to a lifetime commitment

[HappyTwinsMom]

We chose an agency based on several factors, including size, cost, and philosophy (not necessarily in that order). Our agency happens to be a small, non-profit, Christian organization that primarily does "profile-type" placements. In fact, that's how we were chosen for our daughters. However, the agency also places babies where the birthparents choose not to be involved in selecting the adoptive parents (not many, but some). One of the things I appreciate most about the agency we chose is that they work with each individual situation to best "facilitate" (for lack of a better word...my brain is on Thanksgiving overload...LOL!) the match that works for everyone involved. Some of the placements are open, some closed; some involve birthparents selecting adoptive parents from profiles, some have the agency selecting adoptive parents.

In my opinion, it's important to remember that every adoption relationship is unique and special, just as every other relationship in our lives is unique and special. Fortunately, we were able to connect (and contract) with an agency who saw things that way, too. And with 3 1/2 years of parenting under our belts, we know we wouldn't do it any other way!

Best of luck with your journey! It can be a rollercoaster of emotions, but SO worth it!

[79nic]

Happy Twins,

It sounds like the same setup as with the agency I placed Marie through. In fact, Marie's a-sister, Maya, was not placed with the help of a profile. Maya's bmom simply asked the agency to pick a family for her.

But D and Y still had a profile. It's just that in Maya's case, it didn't come into play.

That's where I'm confused. This "being matched by the agency" versus "writing a profile and DBML" is not usually an either/or choice. My understanding was that most agencies have you write the profile and the letter.... but then if a bmom doesn't want to look at profiles, the agency does the matching. But the p-aparents don't have to pick one route OR the other... they can be open to both routes.

Am I making sense?

[LisaCA]

we chose a facilitator, who had us fill out an elaborate profile with photos, etc (the standard "dear Bmom" brochure). We also had an agency do our homestudy and filled out the application there. The agency approached us with a couple of potential matches (a set of twins included!) but we went with the match that began with the bmom viewing our profile. We wanted a bmom to make the choice, to read about us, talk to us and decide we were the ones. We also liked the counseling that bmom received from our facilitator in addition to her agency.

our agency waited for pbmoms to approach them and thus only placed a few children a year. They quoted us a 6 months to one year placement time, but suggested it would be earlier since we were AA paparents. Our facilitator was approached nationally and thus had a higher placement rate. Their fees were reasonable and paid as you go. The facilitator (a non profit) quoted us a 4-6 month timeframe, but expected it to be shorter again because we were AA. It took just under 5 weeks from completion of homestudy to taking dd home from the hospital.

I understand the desire for speed-I think we all have that. Once we make the decision to go ahead, then we want it to move quickly:-). We were able to find speed and a great relationship, the best of both worlds.

LisaCA