[loveachild]

hi all, havena't posted in a while, been extremely busy, with our little guy plus a 10 year old... add to that school papers and you know where i am coming from.. We have not heard from our ** since last october when we adopted our son... his birthday was in October and we went all out for him...... I haven't heard from the ** at all.. all of the sudden i get a call from her, and she wanted to "talk" and see how things are going.. I had no problem with that whatsoever.. it was my understanding that she wanted no contact.. I emailed her and we exchanged emails for the past week.. Now, she emailed me and said, she is in need of a small "loan".. stands a chance to be evicted and so on..
I then wondered what her true intensions were.. Don't get me wrong, I always look for the best in a person, i am a giving person, i would give her the world if i could.. But, in her email she kinda made me feel like, well, no, i did feel as if she was using my son as a crutch to make me feel guilty and to give her money..
If i had it i would, but my husband hasn't worked in 3 weeks, he injured his back and we are patiently, yes, patiently waiting for his short term disability check.. why do i feel as if i'm being taken for a ride.?i don't want her to be mad, i would give her something if i had it, but after paying for the adoption, our reserve is quite low, if at zero!!! i haven't emailed her back, cuz, i'm not sure what i want to say and how to say it...

[katieb31323]

I would as gently as possible tell her no. Having an relationship together to benefit your son would be great! But bringing money into it only complicates things and makes any relationship difficult. I strongly recomend you don't do it.

IMO starting that kind of relationship won't end....only continue on and on and then when do you stop? Just don't start.

Kathy

[loveachild]

i agree.. i am sad that it has come to that.. I would of thought she'd ask for a photo or something to do with our son... Your right, will it stop or continue.. I honestly didn't think she'd do that. I thought maybe she'd ask for a photo, or something about him, to ensure her that she did the right thing. Congrats on your baby girl.. my son was born 10-16-03 ...

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi,

I agree with Katie. You do not want to start this. It is obvious to me that she contacted you more for the money than to find out about your son.

I would simply tell her that you have learned that it is better to never loan money to a friend. that you're sorry for her situation but are not able to help her. You should find out pretty quickly whether or not her contact was to find out about your son or to feel you out for money.

Michelle

[loveachild]

thanks ..it is a shame that these things happen.. I should of known . but i'm the type of person that always sees the good, the glass 1/2 full, give before receiving... and one of her quotes were.. "I thought what better time to contact you than the holidays" i wrote her an email, and deleted it, re-wrote it and i think i will wait a few days, until i have a clear head. Talk with words instead of my emotions.

[sugarbabysmommy]

"thanks ..it is a shame that these things happen.. I should of known"

Do you mean you should have known she needed money because you hadn't heard from her and then did out of the blue? I ask because that's generally not always the case, and I would hate for other parents to get the impression that requesting a loan is a "pattern" or something that a birthparent follows when they make contact after a long dry spell.

I agree, I wouldn't send the money, not because of your finances, but as a previous poster said, giving money to a friend only complicates things. Don't feel you need to justify. Telling her you have learned never to loan money to a friend is good, you are saying no while also letting her know you consider her a friend.

[loveachild]

I apologize if you misread what i was saying by "i should of known".... what i should of said, was that i had a feeling something was up due to prior experiences with the situation before the adoption.. I do not wish to imply that "all birthmothers have that same intention".. i am sorry if anyone misread what i was saying. Sometimes email does that . I had a "feeling" shall i say and i'm pretty good with my intuitions. I want to keep our relationship going and i wish all the best for her, i hate to see anyone struggle. But i have to follow my heart here. If she keeps in touch with me that will be wonderful and if not, i will accept that decision also.

[Christy33]

YOu could also tell her that although you can't loan her the money you'd be happy to give her numbers of the local trustee, church, ec.t ect. That way you have helped her to help herself without paying her anything. Not to mention what can she say that you didn't help her..nope cause you did. you gave her a way to get her own help..Christy.

[sugarbabysmommy]

That's why I asked. It's hard to get across meaning in a few words sometimes, I have troubles with my own words often. I hope she doesn't choose to see this as a rejection of her and is interested in ongoing contact. Good luck with this, it's a hard spot to be in no matter how the person requesting the loan is related to you.

[loveachild]

i guess that is my fear. that she will be hurt and will not wish to have contact with us. What a shame that would be. But, i'm sure her situation is one that none of us could relate to . I will go with my best judgement. Not a great feeling let me tell ya. But, if she really in her heart of heart cares, she will understand and hopefully we can continue a great relationship that my son will surely benefit from in the future.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Love,

Your last post sounded to me like you were feeling guilty for saying no. Please don't do that to yourself! You said that your husband is out of work, your first responsibility is to your family (you, your spouse, your children) and to no one else. If you sent her money you'd possibly have to cut back on food or some other necessity for your family, that makes no sense does it?

I don't know if I could do a domestic adoption (not sure if this is how you adopted your son or not). I hope I don't get all kinds of nasty replies after saying this but I don't think you owe his mom anything more than your love, respect, and gratitude for a wonderful son! You owe her whatever openess you agreed upon before the adoption. She deserves to have her son raised in a loving, caring, nurturing home and you're doing that.

In my opinion it is just too fishy that she contacts you now to "see how things are going" and just happens to need money! Come on!

I am all for helping others, just ask my dh who is so sick of all the phone calls from one charity or another thanking me for my donation and asking for more LOL. This, to me, just isn't right.

I'm truly sorry if I've offended anyone by my post, I didn't intend to do that. I just sincerely feel Love is being taken advantage of because of the adoption.

Michelle

[Christy33]

I totally agree with you Michelle and I don't think it makes you sound bad in any way.
There are many ways to help people even by allowing them the opportunity to help theirselves.
Christy.

[SadieAnn]

I like the suggestion someone had to see if there are other means to assist her. Possible eviction? Maybe she is a candidate for habitate for humanitiy? Sometimes a call to social services or a local church and sharing the situation you may come up with some ideas. Then I would give her a name and phone # and leave any add'l research up to her.

Then I'm going to risk going the tide and say this, if there are no other means to assist her, and if you've never assisted her financially before, you may consider a very small nomimal loan/gift. But I would only loan what I really don't need back. I would tell her that you generally make it a rule to not loan to friends and that you won't be able to do this again. Then if she asks again say flat out I'm sorry, but no.

I express this of course without any knowledge of the history here. Only to give a stranger the total benefit of the doubt.

Since "you" have the full picture, I'm sure you'll make the best decision. Good luck!