[2boyz1girl]

Some of you might remember the drama we went through over what to name our daughter, and what to call her bfather. If not; we're (still) in the process of adoption our (two tomorrow) dd from foster care, we brought her home from the hospital when she was just ten days old. Her bfather was in prison when she was born, then he got out a couple of times and CPS unsuccessfully tried to give him custody. He finally ended up agreeing to relinquish two weeks before he was scheduled for termination trial, with a promise from us to remain in contact.

Well, I thought we had it all worked out, but this week she recieved bday gifts from her bgma, her bfather, his sisters, and his cousin. The last time the bgma and bfather came for a visit (two months ago), they brought a gift from the cousin (failed kinship placement), and the name on the card was the name she was given at birth (still her legal name until we finalize). A name that she has never gone by, as we didn't care for it and nick-named her "E" the day we brought her home. At that visit the bgma gave the excuse that they (the cousins) didn't know that her name was now "E". Now, the bfather has known for over a year that she has gone by "E" her entire life, he has known for over 7 months (since he agreed to relinquish) that we would be legally changing her name, and for two months now that we would be dropping her original name all together (considered keeping it as a second-middle name for a while, but decided it would cause problems). Well, the gift she recieved yesterday from the cousin still had that name on the card. Just how long is an appropriate time to expect them to tell their family? Is it unreasonable to expect that they would respect that she never has, and never will go by that name? (Of course, she could decide as an adult to change it back, but not likely.)

Then (sorry, there's more), the card her bfather sent was this very sentimental card about how great it was that she was his daughter. It was not at all age appropriate IMO. No cute little pictures, just a bouquet of flowers and complicated words. Which makes me think he sent it for us to read, not her. And he signed it "Your Father, B-Da". We agreed to call him "B-Da S." (Stands for Birth Dad, not my first choice.) They had been calling him "Daddy S." and we (nicely) let them know that we felt that "Daddy" should be reserved for dh. Well, now I'm irritated. It would have been fine with me if he had signed it "your birthfather", or "B-Da", or just "S.".... but father?

I don't know. I'm feeling hypocritical. I do believe that it is in our dd's best interest to maintain contact with her bfamily, but I want her to know her bfather as just that, her BIRTHfather, not her father. Any body else feel that way, or am I just being selfish now?

Sorry this is so long, hope it all makes sense.

[katieb31323]

Wow that is frustrating and I do remember the name issue. I guess you can't insist until after finalization.

As for the cards with the "wrong" name on them...especially the one you feel was intended more for you then your daughter...do you dare just through it away? And then after finalization send a note explaining again what her name was and that you would like them to use it when addressing her and that if they send notes and cards with the wrong name on them, they will be thrown away so as not to cause confusion later on.

It definately is an attempt to hang on and a slow process for sure. My sister is a birthmother and named the her little girl before placement. She recieves updates on her and shares them with me...it took me a couple years to get it in my head that she wasn't the name my sister gave her anymore! Just a process to go through. I think it is certainly OK for you to set boundaries on what is acceptable for you and to expect your daughter to be called, at least in hers and your presence the name you have choosen.

Kathy

Kathy

[Support2Adopt]

Originally posted by katieb31323


As for the cards with the "wrong" name on them...especially the one you feel was intended more for you then your daughter...do you dare just through it away?


Kathy

As tempting as this may be, I would not recommend this approach. The reasoning behind this is as follows. The child grows up, seeks out Birthfather and finds out that he has sent things that the child has never received because they were thrown away. This could backfire on adoptive parents.
Personally, I would just put the card away until your daughter grows up and if she shows an interest, then give any correspondence you have to her. I feel it is her right to have access to anything sent to her, unless it is crude or dangerous. Believe me, I am in the same position as you to a certain degree.
JJ

[lovemy6]

I think I'd send the family a thank you card and say MULTIPLE times that __your dd's adoptive name___ will love the gifts. Tell them the new mile stones that your __dd's adoptive name__ has reached. Just keep using her name over and over. They should get the hint. If not, next time be direct. Tell them that it will be too confusing to her if they use the old name, because she only knows herself as ____.

As far as them writing your dd's birth name on the cards, I'd save them anyway. Her bname is going to be part of her adoption story, so she'll most likely ask her bname some time in the future. My son did when he was six. Talking with adult adoptees, it gives them comfort to know that their birthparents did name them and not just leave them as "baby ___".

Our children's bparents started calling them by their adoptive names when our children told them to stop calling them by their old names. They were around 4-5.

[Happy2Bhere]

Our daughters birthmom called her by her birth name for quite awhile. Then, she didn't want to call her by her new name, so she called her "The baby" Still, now she is one, and her cards & phone calls say "The baby" Our social worker said its part of the process.
Of course, in your situation, your daughter is older, and can understand more.
I guess I really don't have much to say, but wanted to add my little two cents worth from my situation.
Aren't we lucky to have this forum to vent, laugh, cry, ask & answer questions? Do they know they are letting us in here for free? Did I forget to pay membership dues? :-)
Good luck!
Melissa

[BrandyHagz]

I guess I’d totally handle the name thing differently.

Act like they may not have been told…because maybe they haven’t.

Send them a thank you card (or adoption announcement if you plan to send those) with her new name on them.

I wouldn’t even act like it’s a big deal…because really, ya don’t know if they know or not…

As for the card…I dunno, maybe he thought it was ok…he’s never been a dad right? So maybe he doesn’t know what’s appropriate and what’s not….you should see the first birthday card my husband (then boyfriend) sent my son while we were dating…

I wouldn’t get to up in arms about it just now…its all still really new…

At any rate, communication is key in an open adoption…if you’re unhappy with something he’s doing, tell him. Maybe he is doing it to rub you the wrong way…or maybe he’s just like other guys his age…and is doing what he thinks is ok, and has no idea he’s upset you. Try not to take everything as a personal stab at your family unit, he probably doesn’t intend it that way

[HappyMomAnna]

I wouldn't take the content of his letter to personally....I myself have 40 letters my mother has written to me on my birthday and some of them are completely nuts....pages and pages of 'stuff' I was not actuall supposed to understand until someday later.... I think it is more of a journaling thing to her.... I also believe that she wanted me to keep these forever and forever.... so......perhaps birthdad is not really writing for the child of today--but the adult she will become the way my mom does... ?

I agree to that I would not make too big a deal about the name issue..... To the birthfamily the name may always be the one they love her by---I like the idea of sending the Thank You notes with the name you are giving as a hint or clue... and as she grows up you might need to let them know that she does not identify with the name they have on the tags....

[mumofone]

We adopted our son as an infant and were able to change his name immediately. He was never called by the name his birthparents chose for him because of his age.

I can certainly understand a birthmom or birthdad hanging on to the name they chose for their child and referring to that child by that name as well.

Although we changed our son's name, we really regret not keeping at least one of his original names and integrating it into his new name. His name, afterall, is part of his history. We are in a semi-open adoption where our son's birthparents may request pics and letters when they want to. We have not met in person as they wanted it to remain practically closed.

Often times, especially in closed adoptions, the name is the only thing they can really hang on to

Try to look at it in this way. Can you imagine trying to call a child whom you have come to know by one name and suddenly have to call him or her by another? It would be very difficult. I cannot imagine trying to call my son "Matthew" by any other name and that may be exactly how the birthdad may feel. It may not be intentional.

I would offer a gentle reminder to the birthparents that the name has been changed.

Hope that helps.

[icunurse]

I don't know what to tell you about getting everyone to call DD by the name that you have chosen for her (though I agree with a PP to include her name a lot ion letters and conversations). However, I urge you to not throw away any card, letter, whatever, even if it has the "wrong" name. You don't know what will happen later on. The birthparents could totally fall out of contact, die (hate to be morbid), etc. One day, much later on, your daughter may only have those cards/letters as proof that her birthparents loved and cared about her, even if it wasn't the way that you wanted or that was "right". Just my opinion....

[2boyz1girl]

I started to respond earlier and my computer froze, so I'll try again.

I guess it just seems to me that if they want to be a beneficial part of her life, they need to accept that life for what it is. Which includes accepting, and sharing with family, the name she knows herself as.

Dh and I have decided to attempt to "educate" them again before we get too upset. I understand, and agree that it is probably very hard for them to accept that she has a different life than they imagined. I have no control over what they call her when we're not around, but we have let them know directly, and indirectly that we are changing her name and she always has gone, and will go, by "E". My contact is mainly with the bgma through weekly e-mail, she now refers to dd (at least to me) as "E", but needed a lot of "reminders" for a while.

I have other issues with the cousins. They stepped up as a kinship placement (didn't clear the background check) after dd was a full year old -- wanted nothing to do with her before then -- and were very rude to me. When they were trying to get custody she asked me for my address and I declined to give it to her, and a few weeks later "E" got a package from her anyway. That is partially what makes me wonder if any of this is intentional.

I'm looking for "The Open Adoption Experience" to pass on to the bfather, I supose it is possible that he just doesn't understand what his role is and will be in her life. Any other good books I should look for?

I have saved everything, well almost. I did throw away the envelope with that name on it, but kept the card which didn't have that name. And I kept the "inappropriate" card from the bfather, but I don't plan on showing it to her until she is much older and fully understands the situation.

I'm thinking of getting them something for Christmas that they can display in their home with her name on it. I ordered little polished rocks engraved with each of my siblings names for my parents. I was thinking about getting the bgma a little bigger one that says "Grandma's Little Treasures", then the little ones with each of her grandchildren's names, including "E". And one that says "Birthfather" or "E.'s Birthfather" for S. But dh thinks it might not go over too well to give him a rock for Christmas. Any other ideas? I want to "expose" them as much as possible to her name, and to the title of "birthfather".

I like the thank you card idea too, I think I will send one for each of them, and repeat the name several times.

[lovemy6]

What about an engraved frame with "e"'s name on it?

At a craft store I saw some that were for "grandma's little angels" and a pen that you could write the children's names on around the frame. It was ceramic and around $10.

[LisaCA]

hi. I sympathize and would probably react the same way. I do want to give you another perspective on the name issue. My mom planned to give me two names, a first and middle name, which the family liked. On the way to the hospital, mom changed her mind and switched the two names around, all without her mom's permission. It didn't go over well. So since I was born, mom's side of the family refers to me by my middle name, and in fact, most of my mom's side of the family doesn't even know that it isn't my first name. I always thought it was funny and learned to respond to both names, sort of two different aspects of me. I know that adoption puts an added spin on it, but dh and I felt that we would name our daughter and use her birthname as one of her middle names. If her bfamily want's to call her by her birthname, we will not object-it's two different aspects of her. Clearly my experience growing up helped to shape my opinion and I know it's not for everyone. Just wanted to let you know what might be if they continue to use her bname and you let your child read the cards.

on the other hand, the issue of using the title "father" or "mother"is a non-negotiable for me. I think the above posts have some great ideas on how to handle these issues.

I wish you the best of luck,

LisaCA

[2boyz1girl]

Thanks Lisa, I have a cousin in a similar situation as you. The whole family calls her by one name, but everybody else knows her as another name, and she just answers to both. I have thought about the fact that they may always think of our dd by that name, and that's not so much what bothers me....well, to be honest it does (but there's nothing I can do about it)....but the real problem that I have is with the name itself. We really don't care for it, and that's putting it nicely. We debated long and hard over keeping it as a second-middle name for the sole purpose of honoring her heritage, but I just couldn't bring myself to give my child that name. I just cringe every time I hear it, and though I do intend for her to know of it, I don't want her to be called by it.

[Brat]

Yeah, I'd have a problem with the cousins.

Next time, I'd send the package back, with return to sender emblazoned on the exterior. There's no "adoption law" that says you have to keep up relations with them, nor make them a part of dd's life. They do not respect your family, and have shown that in other ways. They have no business with your address, and you don't have to make them understand anything, including your daughter's name.

I'm probably wrongheaded about everything I just said, but something tells me that's probably how you feel, and since you have too much decorum to say it, I'll be the brat. Because even if I'd be wrong, it's probably what I would want to do, and then not do. Regardless, it's not my job to keep my dd connected to her extended birthfamily, particularly those who are unsupportive, and probably opposed to her adoption. It takes enough of my energy to raise her, and ensure she enjoys a place of love and respect in our immediate and extended family.

As for the birthfather, sounds like he just needs time to adjust. Shortly after her adoption, I got an odd card like that from my dd's birthfamily for her and that referred to her by a nickname when they know her new name. It also seemed written to us. I was offended for about two weeks, said nothing. Then I put myself in their shoes and gave them time. I just kept calling her by her name when the situation warranted it and then they started to do so as well. I could tell it was hard for them at first, but that's part of the process. I realized the letter was for her when she gets older, and put it away.

I understand that your situation is deeper--there has actually been dispute over the name. Though I don't think that the name gifts are a bad idea, Christmas is going to be hard enough for them without the reminder of the disagreement. Perhaps a gift to remind them that's she's happy, like a framed picture of her doing something fun and smiling with her family, would give them some peace and send the same message: you're a family. She has a mom, dad, and brothers. You're a unit, and she's happy there. When the season is over, perhaps say, "Now about that card..."

By the time she can read that card, she'll know who she considers her daddy, regardless of what goes on in the hearts of others. The birthdad will probably always consider himself her father, and adoption language won't change that, and I don't know if it should. I will always consider my daughter's birthmother her mother, because she isn't a baby factory, but the person who carried her and gave birth to her. She is a mother by virtue of that act. That doesn't diminish my role in my daughter's life, nor mine in hers. She'll grow up calling her birthmom by her first name, and calling me mother, mommy, mom, and probably something less nice when she's a teen and I'm on her nerves. I cannot predict whether one day she'll hurt me terribly by saying, "Well, you're not my mother anyways!" whilst slamming her bedroom door in my face. But I do know that when it opens again, and when she looks back on her life, hopefully fondly, she'll know who is who. No card can change that.

[2boyz1girl]

Thank you Brat. It's nice to hear somebody else say the things I won't . It's all so frustrating and confusing. I have NO DESIRE whatsoever to have any contact with the cousins. I feel that they are the type of people who would intentionally do things just to upset me. I should clarify that they don't have our current address though (at least they better not). We moved in Sept. and specifically asked the bgma and bfather NOT to share our new address with them. The bgma sent their gift. I think you're right -- it's hard enough to work out all of the little issues in open adoption with people who truly want what is best for the child (even if they disagree on what that is), and we shouldn't have to deal with extended family that is not supportive. I just keep remembering my first conversation with this cousin (actually the bfather's cousin's fiancee -- not even a blood relative!), in which she kept repeating that our dd just needed to be with biological family. This, a full year after our dd had known ONLY us as Mommy and Daddy. Ugh!

I think the reason the "father" thing is really getting to me is because we have already had the "daddy" confrontation, in which we explained that we felt that "Daddy" should be reserved for dh. We agreed that he could go by "B-Da S.", which was more than I really wanted. If it were up to me, dd would know him as her birthfather "S." So, in essence, I feel like we've already given more than we were comfortable with, and now he is pushing our limits. He will always be her bfather, and I respect that role he plays in our daughter's life. But I feel like him now calling himself her "father" somehow diminishes dh's role in her life. To add to my frustration, he called on Father's Day .... but not on her bday this past week (after his mother told me he would call), or any other holiday for that matter.

I too hope that my dd looks back on her life fondly and knows who was who. I just worry. Last night I was on-line reading all of these articles about adoptees searching, longing for their birthfamilies. Poems that they had written to their "Daddies" and "Mommies". Didn't those adoptees have Daddies and Mommies who raised and loved them? Why do they see it that way? I mean, I understand a desire to know their biological families, but I don't understand a desire to need another "Mommy" and "Daddy". Was something lacking in their adoptive families? Is it something I can prevent? Or are we adoptive families just destined to have children who want/need more than we are able to provide?