[SadieAnn]

Bdad first told bmom he'll tpr. Now he's asking for dna test. No one knows what it means. Naturally my head is spinning and I'm fearing the worst. Bmom seems still committed to her adoption plan. She has said she regrets her brief relationship with bdad. She said one of many reasons for choosing adoption is she doesn't want she or her baby connected to bdad for life.

Anybody have any experience with this? Any words of wisdom?

[BrandyHagz]

Well Sadie, if he is the father, he will still have rights, regardless of what the expectant mom wishes.

Has he indicated why he wants DNA testing? Has he said he plans to parent if the DNA determines that he is the father?

DNA testing itself doesn’t set off any alarms…maybe he just wants to make sure he is the father, so he can make an informed decision.

I don’t think its anything to worry about, unless he has indicated that he wants to parent if the DNA results determine he is the father…if that’s the case, there isn’t much you can do…

[SadieAnn]

He first told bmom he would tpr, and then came this request. So right now the big question is we don't know why he is asking for this. It could be as you mentioned that if he has doubts he may just need to know regardless of his decision.

We don't know at this time how long it takes to get dna results.

We just hope for everyone's sake that he states what his intentions are if the test confirms his paternity. If the test says he isn't the father than we have a whole new problem because this is the only person the bmom has said could be the father. And truly she has been wonderful and we have no reason not to believe her.

You are right that if he chooses to parent that is his right and we respect and understand that, we'd just like to know his intentions.

[BrandyHagz]

Have you thought about asking him, or having your attorney ask him?

I think that’s a reasonable question…

[Livingmydream]

When we were matched with our bmom, she told us the name of a young man, stated he was the bfather and told us all about him. She also assured us he would sign the TRP. Well, our daughter was born, and he never showed up where he said he would, or answered calls from the agency. Finally, one night after work, they greeted him in the parking lot and he said, I'll sign it, but before it is filed, I'd like a dna for my own piece of mind. I want to know that when/if this child comes to find me, that she is indeed mine. (mind you, his grandma was at hospital and took tons of photos, etc.) We never met him, he did not come to hospital. So, dna was done and it was not not a match. So, now we have a 9 month old, with a big unknown. well, bmom refused to name anyone else, so we did all the stuff for unknowns according to the law(advertising, etc) and at 18 months, it all became finalized.
Good luck- you can not always think the worse

[SadieAnn]

Brandy - I do hope we get that answer & I wish we could ask him directly. Unfortunately both bparents have opted "not" to meet us. So our bdad info comes from 2 sources: bdad & bmom ocassionally (not often) talk, then bmom tells counselor & counselor tells us. We have told ourselves we will continue to believe that communication link is being honest about what bdad has said. (Thinking otherwise only makes one crazy). Through that source bdad has continued to tell bmom that he'll support her plans to place.

The 2nd chain of info comes from bdad's atty to agency atty to us. It is thru that source of info that they are asking for dna testing. The agency atty is trying to find out bdad's intentions, but so far no confirmation.

We entered this adoption path trying to educate ourselves and eventually decided "open" adoption would be a good option for us. Ironically this bmom has opted not to meet us (she did choose us from our profile & we have exchanged some precious info) & says she wants no contact after birth.

First we were sad for the child. Plus we really wanted to meet the bparents just to gather info to share with child as he grew up. Now I see a whole new benefit... it's awful to get this info 3rd hand. There is nothing more helpful then being able to have face to face conversation.

Dream - Thank you for sharing. I am so glad it worked out for you! I cannot even imagine the sleepless nights you had!

[Livingmydream]

I never met bmom until the hospital (that was for 10 minutes)and we only spoke once before on the phone. All other communication came via the agency. I really never had sleepless nights over it, I worried, but not crazy. Since she refused to name anyone else but him, when it was not him, I knew it would be an unknown. Even though it was not my choice, I knew I that we would live with it. Both of our adoptions are completely closed with no contact. I did send agency pics of daughter at 3/6/9/ and 1 year per agency protocol, but they are still in the file. As far as son, bmom never even saw him.
I came to the realization that in adoption, we can only control our part of it, and respect the wishes of all the other parties involved. I have pictures of daughters bmom that she gave to us for her when she is older. and a great detailed history with sons. Sons and I actually talked everyday up until birth. I know, retrospectively, it sounds so wierd, but she called the shots, and I listened.

[SadieAnn]

Bdad/his family have dropped dna request and now say he'll tpr.

The picture became clear when his mom opened up communication with agency. She was really struggling with placement of 1st gchild. (My heart goes out to her). Anyhow they wanted LOTS of info about us, and peace of mind that we were the right couple to raise their gchild.

No one has asked for contact yet, but perhaps this means they may have an interest in that. Which we are open to.

We are SO RELIEVED! Thanks for your feedback on this thread.