[Casey677]

I have wanted to post about this for a while now, but every time I would start to type, my emotions got the best of me and I end up in tears. We are heart broken. We have now had a failed a match and a failed placement. We got to hold and love this precious baby in the hospital for three days.

In the last situation, we were put through hell. I don't even know where to begin. Everything seemed wonderful in the beginning. D (the birthmom) repeatedly lied to us over and over again. Even after we started to put the pieces together and would question her about it, she would still lie to us. She lied about the due date, the birthfather, how many children she had, whether she had custody of the children or not, etc. We were told that this was her third pregnancy. She had custody of her 2 year old and her mom had her 7 year old. Well, while we were in the hospital it was revealed to us that this was in fact her fifth child. When we asked her about the other two children, she flat out denies that she ever had them.... that she has no idea what we were talking about. Her 2 year old was actually in foster care. She denies it, even when presented with confirmation from CPS that he was in their care. We still are clueless as to the whereabouts of the other two children.

When this baby was born on Oct. 25th we got to spend three days loving him, taking care of him. We probably let ourselves get more attached to him than we should have since CPS had placed a hold on him. We were unaware of the hold until we arrived at the hospital. We were told that D was not going to be able to leave the hospital with him. If she didn't place him with us, he was going to be taken directly into foster care. Well, the night before he was to be released from the hospital, CPS released their hold on the baby. They were unable to prove their allegations against her. The allegations were that she was trying to sell the baby on the internet. This floored us! There was an adoption plan in place through a licensed agency. Were they implying that we were trying to BUY him??? No... it was to someone else.

About two weeks prior to the baby's birth, we found out that she lied to us about the birthfather. We have consent forms signed by someone who was NOT the dad. She would not reveal ANY information about the real birthfather. We were planning on proceeding using the PFR. Well, it seems that now she did know who he is and how to contact him after all. He did not want the baby, but his mother did. D refused to place the baby with us for fear that the birthfather's family would be able to get custody of him and they were "unfit" (according to her). Even though the birth grandmother had no legal rights to file for custody (I'm not sure why that is though).

The hospital nursing / doctor staff contacted CPS again when he was four days old. They refused to release him into her care due to things not divulged to us that happened in the hospital. I do know that even though he spent a lot of time in her room, she never held him, never fed him, nothing. CPS eventually released him into her care when he was almost a week old. They also placed her 2 year old back into her home. We had visited her apartment numerous times while she was pregnant. We know that it is covered in filth and the cloud of cigarette smoke is so thick you can't see the TV clearly from the couch. She is under house arrest for child endangerment (has been for about 6 months now).

On top of being broken hearted about our loss, we constantly worry about the welfare of these two little boys. Our agency would like to press charges against her for purgery. Our attorney is pressuring us to press charges against her for exceeding the legal limit of expenses allowed by the state of IN (nothing can be done to us, she requested money under legal advisement that it was against the law). We are not a vengeful couple. Pressing charges isn't something that I am necessarily willing to do. Because she is already under house arrest, she would be taken to jail with these new charges. But part of me keeps wondering if foster care wouldn't be a better place for these two little boys. I don't know if I should just let the system work the way it is supposed to or if we should step in. I close my eyes and I see his perfect little face and smell that wonderful baby smell. My heart breaks at the thought of him not receiving the care that he needs... that both the boys need. And no, if they were taken into foster care, there is now way that we could get them. We live in FL and they are in IN.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated. I am so lost.

Thank you!
Casey

[seeking2adopt]

Casey,
I wish I had words of advice for you but I do not ... I simply wanted to say that I am so sorry for this extremely difficult and heartbreaking situation. It blows my mind to think that someone can be under house arrest for child endangerment and yet still be allowed custody of two children! I will pray for the safety of these little boys and wisdom for you in making a decision regarding this situation. I hope you will find encouragement and support here.

[mbosserman]

Dear Casey,

Three weeks ago my husband and I realized a similar loss. I feel your grief and it almost feels like the end of the world daily. I am so sad. I think that's about all you can say...It's so sad.

We didn't get to hold our child. The d we were working with had three children and used us as a way to get her husband back. I was to meet her for the final doctors visit and she didn't come. No word she was just gone. We later found out she has done this two times before.

We had not paid her money and so we don't have that to contend with. My husband is an attorney and I think she got scared when we pressed her. Oh well, that's not really the issue. The real issue here is that the grief is awful. We have lost children and there's nothing more painful. Let yourself grieve and don't apologize. Seperate that out from the legal pieces. You will know what the right thing for you is.

I am so sorry for your loss and it really is ok just to be sad.

My heart is with you, Melissa

[stillwaiting]

Casey,

I can sympathize with you completely. Our first match was disastrous, the bmom had four children and was not married when she became pregnant with her fifth child. We were contacted as perspective adoptive parents and when she delivered we went to the hospital and she signed visitation rights to us. We held the baby, named him, fed him, burped him and loved him with all our hearts for two days. Then the bfather showed up at the hospital threatening to kill bmom if she placed the baby with us. The police were called to her room and it was a nightmare for her and us. We decided to leave the hospital and allow bmom to make her choice. Obviously, she choose to parent for fear bfather would hurt her or her other children.

It was the hardest thing my husband and I have ever been through. We really believed the baby was meant to be ours. We prayed and waited for a baby for sooo long but looking back on everything that occurred I truly believe that sweet baby was not meant to be ours. We pray for him and his bmom often and hope they are safe.

I don’t know why we are allowed to get so close and then have everything fall apart. That experience hurt more than anything I have ever been through. It is not the death of a child because the baby is still living and living in a dangerous environment. You can grieve the death of a child but this is hard to get our mind around.

I will tell you this, don’t let this experience stop you. Take time for yourself and try to process all that has happened and think of what you have learned from this. Adoption is a hard, emotional choice for everyone involved, the adoptive parents and the birth parents. However, in most cases it is a blessing beyond measure.

We have continued our adoption journey and we were able to adopt a handsome blue-eyed baby boy and we brought him home from the hospital the third day he was born. We have had him for almost five months. Our struggles are not over, as his bfather is contesting our adoption. So we just take each day as it comes and pray God’s will be done in our son’s life.

Best wishes to you and your husband.

Tina

[KellyStacy]

My heart goes out to you.I cannot imagine going through all of that and even getting to see and hold the baby.I guess actually nobody ever knows when a birthmom is telling the truth or not.We as adoptive hopeful parents always just have to believe in what they say.I just wonder sometimes how a person can be so heartless.I fully understand a birthmom can change her mind at any time during the whole process that is the scary part.Its only natural your heart went out to this baby.Its pitiful that this type of situation even occurs,but I think this happens a lot.Unfortunately, these 2 babies will probably end up in the foster care system one time or another.As far as her rights being terminated that will probably be a long drawn out process,if that even happens.Its just so sad.My advice is to pray for those babies.I will keep them in my prayers.I am so sorry for your loss.

[Casey677]

Still waiting, thank you so much for sharing your story. We had very similar hospital experiences! It is amazing just how much you can fall in love with a baby in just a few days! The nursing staff was amazing to us and there is no way in the world that we could have gotten through that without them. They were crying just as hard as we were when we were leaving.


Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It will get better, I know that it will. It can't get any worse. I just don't quite know what to do with myself until it does.

Casey

[79nic]

Casey,

No words of advice but I am sorry you are hurting. (((Hugs))).

[SadieAnn]

I wish I could send you more than my heartfelt sympathy for your loss. How difficult an experience to try to live through. But your compassion to be a parent comes through your words.

Take your time and grieve, but then try to find courage and go on with your search. I read these forums and hear these awful stories and then see that these same people are now happy and fulfilled parents. I don't how they go on, but somehow they managed and for that are now the parents they longed to be.

We are a month away from our bmom's due date. One moment I am gloriously excited and the other I am terrified that we'll experience the same. Although our bmom seems committed to this decision, we are warned all the time that anything can change. No one can ever prepare for what you have experienced.

My best wishes are with you ((hugs))!

[Casey677]

Sadie,

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I hope that your pbirthmom continues to be strong in her decision and that everything goes very smoothly for all of you! It is funny, during infertility, the news of a friend or acquaintance getting pregnant was so devastating. Now to hear of others who are matched or were just blessed with the placement of their little ones does nothing but fill me with happiness for the families and give me renewed hope that our day will come.

You will have to keep us posted!!
Casey

[SadieAnn]

Casey - I agree with your statement about feeling happy for others who have been matched and went on to have successful adoptions.

I did for a time (while traveling that frustrating infertilty path) feel a bit sad inside when I'd hear of another pregnancy. But it feels great to not feel that way about people who have been matched.

I don't know why the difference? Perhaps for me it was because I knew pregnancy was something I couldn't attain. But adoption matches, etc. give me hope. Like it isn't just a dream but it will really happen eventually. (For all of us).

Someone told me she attributed the trials & tribulations of adoption to labor pains. She said once their baby was in their home to stay, she could barely remember the problems they encountered.

I hope she's right!

[stillwaiting]

You are right the nursing staff helped us out tremendously with out them we would not have been able to make the decision to leave and go home. They saw both sides and one nurse told us it might be best if we get out of the hospital and get some rest. I think in her own way she was telling us it was over. One good thing did happen, they fell in love with us and were a great networking tool to help us find our birthmother.

Casey~ I am praying for you. This is the verse that gets me through the day.

Jeremiah 29
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart

[MNelson]

Casey, mbosserman, and stillwaiting, I am so so sorry for your losses. Those first few days are so magical and emotional, there is no greater joy than to hold a newborn that has come into your life. It is hard enough to live with the gnawing fear that it won't last, but to have that happen is so traumatic. All I can offer is that time will heal and your perfect little being is out there.

That's what is so wonderful about life paths. We would never get where we are if we hadn't traveled where we've been. When your perfect little person enters your life to stay, you won't be able to imagine life without him or her, and that's what it would be if these placements had worked out.

Hugs to all of you.

[blessed with 2]

I am so sorry for the loss you have suffered. I thank the Lord that we were spared any failed matches, I just don't know how you pull through it, but as others have stated, we know how families have been blessed who do.

I agreed with the idea that it was hard when others would get pregnant while dealing with infertility, but matches are so exciting while trying to adopt. I think part of it was also that it seemed so easy for other people to get pregnant. When someone is trying to adopt, we know what they have been through, and it is easier to be happy for them. It really does give us hope. Interesting point, I really hadn't thought about it before. I think I will always remember those dark days where I had almost gotten to the point of not being able to smile when I saw a baby. But now that is a distant memory, replaced by the joy of my children.

[stillwaiting]

Casey,

How are you doing? Have you been able to take some time just to process everything and have a good cry? When it happened to us I took two day's off from work and just mooped around and cryed the first day and the second day I tryed to relax. I knew if I went to work right after we got home from the hospital I would have lost my job becasue I would have snapped and hurt someone becasue SOME people can say the stupidest things! I did not need any words of wisdom at that time.

I just wanted to check on you and let you know I am thinking about you and please remember this is NOT the end. It is only a step in the process.

Your angel is coming home soon.

(((Hugs)))

Tina

[Casey677]

Thanks for checking in on me! I am doing better. The adoption fell through three weeks ago today. Even though I still think about him each and every day, I no longer feel the boughts of sadness. I can think about him and smile at the memories. I did not go back to work until the following Monday. That gave my husband and I three days to start the healing process before we had to deal with all the questions from co-workers when we got back. That was hard! People are so nosey and not really understanding. I still have a co-worker who tells me almost every day that we should try invitro. No, we want to adopt! It is so weird to hear it from her when she adopted her son 40 years ago.

We did get a call from our agency yesterday about a possible situation with a birthmom in TX who is due next month. After looking into how high the legals are there, we had to turn the situation down. It would have been around $5,000 in legal fees!! Ouch. We didn't pay that combined for our lawyer here in FL and the one we had for our failed placement in IN. I wonder why they are so much higher in TX??? It was very hard turning down the match due to finances. If she was due in January we could have said yes, then we would have been in a new year for the tax cut. We have already exceeded the one for this year. I am pretty bummed about that today.

I know that it will happen when it happens, but I am ready now! Ok, I am done whining! Hope everything is going well for you!

Casey