[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi everyone,

I posted a while back about adopting our 2 kids from foster care. In the beginning my dh and I were only interested in a closed adoption. However, after joining this forum we have changed our minds as we realize that it is best for our kids to have some contact with their family........

Yesterday I mailed a letter to the kids mom suggesting a semi-open adoption. I spelled out what I felt I could live with such as sending her pictures/notes/cards 3-4 times/year; I asked her to send pics of her, her boyfriend (one of the kids dad), grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, anyone, so I could do a life book for both of them, e-mail correspondence, etc. I said that I would not be comfortable at this time with visits but I did want to stay in contact for the kids sake. I told her that if we would run into her around town I would introduce her as K and, if they were old enough, explain the relationship to them (the kids are 2 and 3 and don't remember her or any of their family at all).

I asked her what she would be comfortable knowing about them and if there would be anything that would be too hurtful to know.

Now to my question....why am I feeling so horribly nervous today to the point of actually shaking and worrying? I can't seem to quit thinking about this.

For those of you that may remember my prior post, these kids aren't lovingly being placed for adoption they were removed from her care for neglect and abuse (the 2 y/o never lived at home, he was taken into care from the hospital). Their mom, although being in the system for 10 years (there are 7 children in care) blames everyone but herself for their situation.

I don't feel that reaching out to her was wrong, the letter was sincere and caring towards her and her feelings. Anyone have any ideas as to why I'm feeling like this?

Michelle

[Cleopatrick]

I don't know your situation, but I have been through something similar. I'll PM you.

[HappyMomAnna]

hummmm the only thing I wonder is if they are still foster did the caseworker agree to this? That might make me worry a little inside....

...... do you know everything about the situation with thier mother in order to be sure that they are safe?

....Otherwise I do know that there are a FEW parents who have adopted Foster children and managed to maintian some openess with the biological family.... But, they are just a few.

...In our case it was not permitted and all communication must be submitted to the state...They actually did all the lifebook collecting and when the TPR happened we were given the lifebooks for the children... Any updates we want to make go to the State and apparently are held until the children are of age...My understanding is the birthmom was told that she can also send letters and updates and should the children want them when they are of age they can request them...

Otherwise I don't know is there a specific reason that comes to the top of your mind? Are you concerned that you have opened a door you wish you had not?

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi Ana,

thanks for your thoughts. Social services knows that we are doing this. They think we're nuts but say that "their your kids, you can if you want."

Yes, I know the whole story and don't feel their family would be a threat in any way.

I think I feel so nervous because I really don't know their mom. I've only met her once and she was very nice to me then. I just don't know any other people that have done this and everyone we know thinks we're NUTS!

The letter I sent was from my heart and I don't open my heart to other adults that easily...I also think I'm worried that I unintentionally said something to hurt her more than she is already hurting (I honestly don't think I did, but I'm not her).

Maybe it's just fear of the unknown.

Thanks again.

Michelle

[seeking2adopt]

Just wondering ... Have you already exchanged personal information (full names, addresses, phone numbers) -- was your return address on the envelope, for example -- or have you considered going through an intermediary?

I mention this, thinking that might make you feel more at ease initially. I think I understand what you are thinking somewhat, as we had a little boy for one week before his birthmom changed her mind. A few weeks later, I just felt that it would be the right thing to offer her copies of all the pictures we had taken that first week ... because she will never get to go back and experience those first days with him.

(I edited this to clarify my original paragraph a little more ... Hope it makes sense!)

[Cobb]

Michelle, I too felt a need to reach out to my girls bmom. Doing so doesn't mean that I'd jeopardize the girls physical or emotional well-being. I saw it this way... I had to let go of the anger I felt toward and open myself to compassion. I reminded myself that the good that I saw in the girls came from her too. Despite all the mistakes, I don't believe she is a bad person. So, I have a choice I can alienate her or I can attempt to be a positive in her life. I'm always concerned about the next unplanned pregnancy. If I can help her to turn her life around, maybe I can help her to express something good in the world. I had to detach from the outcome and remember that the chances of doing what so others had tried to do before me was unlikely. But, I share a connection with her, the kids...

I too put myself out emotionally. Your anxiety is probably because you're not accustomed to allowing yourself to be so vulnerable, especially toward a stranger.

Don't necessarily have advise, but I get where you're coming from.

Cobb

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi,

Seeking2Adopt: We also have these kids 15 y/o brother and he is allowed contact with her (on his terms) so she knows our name, address and my cell phone #. I'd like to do this on our own if possible. Her rights to the 15 y/o or the other 4 have not been terminated yet.

Cobb: Thank you so much for your response. I'm very appreciative of you sharing your story.. Is the openess working out for you? Was she receptive? I don't think their mom is a bad person either, she has an addiction. I am in no way making an excuse for her, I feel I''d be able to overcome ANYTHING/EVERYTHING to have my kids. I think you're probably right about being vulnerable. I tend to trust other people and I'm hoping this doesn't backfire on me. I, in no way, am concerned for the kids safety, that's not been the issue. It's been more neglect than anything.

Thank you all again for your responses. I appreciate the support more than you can ever know.

Michelle

[HappyMomAnna]

I think the fear of the unknown is a huge thing!

As long as it is safe and as long as you are ready to be open or simi-open I honestly admire your williness to consider this....How can it be wrong to show compasion to another human?

I think there are many of us who are parents of these special kid's that WISH with our hearts we could take this step--but, know that it would be too much.... For me I direct my passion for the mother of our children in Prayer that when the kids are grown she will have healed and she will be able to have a relationship with them....For me being what I see as an OLDER mom I try sometimes to take comfort and trust the she will get her life together so that when I die they have another mother to find.... Does that sound pitiful or what?

.....When our daughter had her goodbye visit it ended up being pretty sad and horiible--the police actually had to come to the center and force her mother to let go of her---in the parking lot next to the open door of my car---mom refused to let her daughter go to anyone except me--and when she put our daughter into my arms she looked deep into my eyes and just siad, "Thank You..." My heart breaks everyday knowing that She really did mean it--and that her heart broke knowing this was it and it was over and that her beautiful children had a mother that loved them and would do everything she could to give them everything that she was not able.....

There are so many times I want to write a letter to her.... But I know that the risks are simply to great at this time in our daughters life--and that the horrible things that our daughter does remember out weigh any good that might come from it...

Every year on Birthmoms birthday we break the law and risk hurting wild animals by sending ballons in the air with notes to birthmom....Notes of hope--and notes of love.... If one did find it's way to her it would be due to a power greater then me...

Please keep us posted on this and what happens...and I will hope that everyone is blessed by this.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Wow, Ana,

What a touching post! I'm sitting here crying over your children's goodbye visit. That had to be so very difficult for all of you.

I sincerely hope their mom is receptive to my idea. I know she will be totally shocked by it.

I think it really has to be the unknown that I'm fearing. I reread that letter too many times to have not picked up on something that could hurt her. I had my dh read it too and I read it to my s-i-l and she thought it was beautiful. At this point, I know I'm doing what's best for my kids and if she's not willing, that'll be her decision.

Thank you so much for the encouragement.

Michelle

[6babes]

I think the writing the letter was beautiful and that your kids will only benefit from it. I hope bmom writes back and does send pics. I have adopted 3 of my children from foster care and have contact with all of their bfamilies. 2 of my children are half sibs, age 8 and 10. They have contact with bdads and maternal gma (who has become a huge part of our lives and gma to all 6 of my kids). They don't have contact with bmom, except through gma (pics, etc). I recently received a letter from bmom thanking me for loving her kids and for looking after them. She said she knew that they were where God wanted them to be. She had been in rehab and had been clean and doing well for 6 months. I wrote her back telling her about them and what they were like and telling her how grateful I am that she brought them into the world. I'm hoping that we can set up a visit soon so the kids can meet her. I hate to say it, but I'm not confident that she will stay clean and now would be a good time for them to meet her. I made it clear that my kids would decide if and when they would be ready for any visit, and that it would be a one time thing. (I may change my mind, but I don't want to make any commitments.) I think it's natural to feel nervous, you're putting yourself out there into the unknown and it involves the people who are the most precious to you. I hope that you receive a response soon!

[michellemartin]

Michelle, You're not nuts!!! Glad you are going for it!

The "other" Michelle

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Thank you Michelle. I appreciated you saying that!!!

6babes: Thanks for sharing your story. I am happy to hear that another parent that adopted through the "system" is doing the same thing. It makes me even stronger in my resolve to do this. Somehow I knew I could count on all of you to be supportive.

Like I said earlier, when we first talked about adopting them we said, absolutely a closed adoption. Not because they are dangerous, but because they will NOT be a good influence on our kids (for some very good reasons). After reading post, after post, after post, after post LOL on here for almost 1-1/2 month I now know that this is best for the kids.
Someone said to me, "as long as she doesn't bring her lifestyle into her relationship with the kids you should allow it." That really hit home. I mean, I would NEVER consider overnight visits, or unsupervised visits so why would I worry?

I feel a "book" coming on so I better quit writing now. I "talk" a lot when I'm nervous LOL, well, actually, I talk a lot all the time!

I sincerely appreciate all of the advice and encouragement I have gotten on this forum. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

Michelle

[Cobb]

Originally posted by L-A-J-C-R-C

Cobb: Thank you so much for your response. I'm very appreciative of you sharing your story.. Is the openess working out for you? Was she receptive? I don't think their mom is a bad person either, she has an addiction. I am in no way making an excuse for her, I feel I''d be able to overcome ANYTHING/EVERYTHING to have my kids. I think you're probably right about being vulnerable. I tend to trust other people and I'm hoping this doesn't backfire on me. I, in no way, am concerned for the kids safety, that's not been the issue. It's been more neglect than anything.

Michelle,

I'm sorry it's taken so long to get back to you. The question of whether openness has worked for me is a tough one. While we are cousins, until last February I hadn't seem her since she was 10 and I was 15. Sitting across from her at the jail was the first time we've faced each other as adults. At that point, I didn't know what would happen with the kids, but knew that it may be my only opportunity to express to her my intentions as well as how I felt about her and the situation. I was so emotionally raw afterwards, but felt like we connected in some way. I had no real way of contacting her after that, except through the CW's. After the girls came, I kept trying to get messages to her through them. I didn't hear from her until the beginning of Sept. (ironically, the day after A came and told me her "secret").

She said she was afraid I would hang up on her, but wanted to know how the girls were doing. Despite my anger from the past days (much of it directed to her), I did my best to stay open. I kept things to generalities. I think that she appreciated that I was able to reflect on their personalities, that I gave her a sense of knowing and loving them. wshe told me that she had started therapy and was for the first time more honest about her drug use. We actually talked about it for some time and I tried to be supportive of what she was trying to do. She said for the first time that she realized the girls wouldn't be living with her again, but hoped that down the road she could have some sort of relationship with them. I told her I didn't know what would happen, but I was open to her communicating with them if she got her life together and it was safe to do so. She accepted that I didn't think if would be good for her to talk to the girls at this time, let her know that they were working hard to adjust and I didn't want to interrupt that process. I shared that H was especially having a hard time believing it was okay to be happy here. Anyway, talked for about two hours.

So would I consider my contact with her up to this time successful? It depends, I think what I view as success has changed as a result of our experiences with the kids.

I do think the contact met a couple of needs I had. I needed to know that I have done what I could to help her in her life. Again, letting go of needing proof of that help is important. If given the opportunity to do so in the future, I will continue. She seemed to be receptive and hear what I had to say. She also indicated that she didn't have any support there (knowing her parents I believe it), she was having difficulty remembering and dealing with events from her childhood (I probably know more about what happened then she does) and that she felt like she went from being a kid to an adult with no opportunity to grow up (pretty accurate, since her son was born when she was thirteen). I felt for the first time that she was willing to reflect on how she got where she was rather than blaming others and making unrealistic promises. If that is the direction she is going, I want to support her.

Contacting her also has an indirect value for the girls. A week after she called we recieved letters for them from her. In the past, she promised to see them, they would be together... These were different. She told them she wanted them to be happy with us. That what has happened wasn't there fault. That she and their bdad had a lot of work to do to get their lives together and weren't able to take care of them, but they would always think about and love them. The letters expressed alot of what I told her the girls needed to hear. I think with time, she will be able to release them to a different life, because she wants them to be happy and realizes she can't give them what she needs. As I expressed in some other posts, H feels she is the keeper of bmom's secrets. Their H's secrets to and until she can talk about them she won't heal. I hope that with time, my cousin could share with me the realities of what happened. If H knows it's okay with her bmom to discuss, I think that would open her up to dealing more directly with the challenges she faces. I don't know if this will ever happen. I just figure I need to continue planting the seeds and watch for what grows.

The most important thing is the intention and expectation you have in talking with a bmom whose rights were severed involuntarily. If you do it, it has to be for yourself. It can't be because you expect to get something out of it from them, it can't be for a result. Ultimately, I've reached out to the girls bmom, because it is what I needed to do to be okay with myself, her response to me is less relevant. If she responds favorably that is just a bonus.

From what you've said, contact with your kids bmom won't hurt them in anyway. I do think it is the vulnerability that's making you nervous. I've felt it too and I just have to remind myself not expect too much. I can chose to be vulnerable without setting myself up to get hurt. You can open up your heart and protect it at the same time. Be careful with your words, keeping the goals of openness, understanding and compassion in your mind if she does contact you. Be willing to listen rather than talk when necessary - she might give you valuable insights to who she is that can help you have a deeper understanding of where your children come from. Try not to worry.... In writing the letter, you've done what you have the power to do, you've met your need to reach out to her. If she doesn't reach back, that's okay, you tried and that's never a bad thing.

I know I got a little rambly, I hope some of it helps. I will be checking more often over the next days (I just had a day and a half stretch where I wasn't online), so if you want to discuss more, I should be out here. Definately let me know if she gets in touch with you.

Blessings,
Cobb

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi Cobb,

Thanks for relating your story to me. I think I have gotten over my nervousness (although I keep waiting for my cell phone to ring LOL). After all the posts of encouragement here I figure I did, indeed, do the right this for these kids. And you're right, if she doesn't answer or isn't open to suggestions I did all I can do (although I will still send pictures and notes to her as I had intended to do that all along [unless she asks me not to and I don't see that happening]).

Now I'm just waiting for her to respond then I can take it from there.

I'll let you know as soon as I hear from her (I'm sure I will); the SW loved the letter and feels that their mom will not try to beat me down for visits LOL. She knows her much better than I so we'll have to wait and see but I know I will not do visits - especially right now.

Thanks again for your encouragement.

Michelle