[dpaige]

I found out last week that the birthmom that we have been matched with since July (due in Dec.), took off and went to a crack house and has not surfaced since! Not only did she put the poor little baby boy she is carrying in danger, but she left her 2 year old son! I am devastated and at this point I just want to know that the police have found her and the baby is going to be ok.

My husband and I are certain that she has been lying to us and doing drugs throughout her pregnancy. She has had us SO fooled. I even met her and the social worker from the agency who is also shocked. On top of this she has cashed our last check for her expenses to use for drugs and left her boyfriend and son with no money to pay their rent or any expenses.

I am crushed! How do you pick yourself up and start over after this? Everything seemed to be going perfectly!

On top of everything, my husband and I are on two different pages. He already has three children from his previous marriage and if we did not continue with our adoption plan he would be fine. As a matter of fact, he is ready to give up now, saying that he feels that after all that we have been through, losing three babies late in pregnancy and finding out that I can never carry a child, and than this, he feels that this is our fate and we should start to heal from here and accept the good in our lives now.

How can I do that when I ache to be a mother! I'm just hurting so badly and I know so many of you have gone through this. When will I be able to go forward and how do I make everything ok with my husband so he is comfortable starting over???

Thanks for listening,
Deb

[lmrod55]

Hi Deb - I am so sorry that you are going thru this. I don't have advice on this particular situation, as I have not been through it. I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying they find her and the baby soon and everyone is ok. I will also pray that you find the strength to move on, which ever direction that may be.

(((Hugs)))

[mom2GRLC]

I'm so sorry. That is terrible news.

If the birthmom came back into the picture would you still consider adopting the baby? Just because the baby has been exposed to drugs doesn't mean it's the end of the world. I have two....soon to be three beautiful children who were either exposed to drugs, alchohol or smoking or all. They are all so wonderful and although i wish they had the best start at life....(like I know I could have provided for them) God had different plans. We have little problems pop up here and there but nothing that can't be overcome. These children along with many many others will grow up to be healthy strong indiviuals who will be able to make it on their own.

I've heard of many birthmoms who kinda dissapear for a little while then re-appear when the baby is due. She obviously is going through a rough time. Maybe she also feels ashamed for using drugs, when she's pregnant ,but doesn't know how to get through life and difficult choices without them).

I am in no way saying it's ok to use drugs while you are pregnant....but their is another human being involved not just your baby. We all make mistakes....in one way or another.....I wouldn't give up on her yet(unless she tells you the deal is off she's keeping her baby).

Don't give up hope. The process of adoption isn't easy but it is definately worth it. If this match doesn't work out than...maybe her baby wan't meant to be yours for one reason or another you have to trust in God. He is over all things and he loves you and wants to bless you. He certianly isn't punishing you. If anything maybe he is having you go through all these trials so you can feel compassion for others going through similiar experiences.

Good luck and best of wishes to you that everything works out and you still get your christmas baby.

Jessica

[redhedded]

Deb, I am so sorry for your pain! I wish there was something that anyone could say to make you feel better. Before our daughter arrived two years ago we were matched with an expectant mother who after a lengthy relationship also disappeared; though it is certain that she was not using drugs or would ever in any way endanger her baby. She opted to parent, and I knew it was right. In your case the pain is so much greater because you do not have peace that the baby will be well taken care of and loved. She may resurface and want to connect with you again.

I think you and your husband have to communicate before you move forward; it is essential that you are both fully on board. Maybe he really wants to move forward but is fearful based on your experience thus far. Adoption is often a very arduous journey; while walking the path you sometimes do not know if you can make it any further. When your child arrives, you forget the challenges and heartache.

We jumped right back in, but others need time to process the experience, get strong again, and become ready to move on. Documenting our experience and my feelings in a journal was tremendously cathartic for me. Take care of yourself. Do things not related to adoption. Do something everyday that makes you smile, makes you happy and feel confident. Be open about your needs and feelings; the solution will come to you.

[Linny]

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. As you can see, there are many who have been in your shoes. I can only suggest this: Ask your agency to inform you only when there is a child that has already been born. I know this sounds crazy to some; but you'd be surprised to learn of the couples who now feel this way, after having been taken advantage by people who are pregnant.
I know these situations are not as common.....but they do exist. I realize that you may not get as much info from the prospective birthpeople as you might want.....but in our experience, we have been provided with a lot of medical history and such.
Your wait might be a little longer (but not always)......but at least you will not be taken advantage of...which is always a risk.

Hang in there, no matter what you choose.....


Sincerely,

Linny

[tomandcate]

Deb, I echo the thoughts of everyone else - I am so sorry this has happened because I can imagine your anguish. You trusted her and have feelings for her and this baby boy, and now you feel betrayed. I know it must be hard to imagine starting over.

I hope things will work out with her if you still want them too...I also know it could be a difficult decision based on her health. I wish you peace as you work through your feelings and the decisions to come.

I was going to suggest the same thing as Linny. We all know that each expectant mom, potential bmom, has every right to change her mind, and if she decides to parent, it will hopefully be the best thing for her child. However...the earlier you allow yourself to be matched, the more you are risking. My husband and I are older, so we just cannot afford risking as much time to be matched early in someone's pregnancy.

If this situation does not work out, or you are no longer willing to be matched with her, talk to your husband about how you can change your profile (i.e. which situations you are willing to consider) so that both of you can feel comfortable and more protective of your hearts and finances. As hard as it is to limit yourselves, or say "No" to a possible match, it will allow you to "bounce back" easier if needed. As Linny said, this might mean more time to wait for a situation that matches your needs, but it will allow you to move forward without abandoning your dream.

Good luck to you...my thoughts are with you and your DH. If you are not able to express everything to each other or feel like your true feelings are not being understood, maybe you can get some counselilng to help you both communicate and make sure he understands and accepts how important this is to you.

Cate

[Leigh131313]

Basically, i just wanted to add my support for you I also wanted to add that yes it's true you both have to be on board to go through this journey of adoption....but, I hope your husband can understand how important it is to YOU to be a mother. It really can be a difficult road, but the end result is SO worth it. Good luck,
Leigh

[Guspiv]

So sorry for your pain.... my prayers and positive thoughts are with you.

[poullafouca]

It's very complex for me to try and say this thing, which actually boils down to something very, very simple.

My husband has children from a former marriage too. In all our forays into infertility stuff I internalized so many feelings and assumed to a huge degree that he would never, ever understand my feelings off loss and desperation, because he had already had children.

My feelings made it quite difficult for me to comprehend where he was coming from for part of the time. Also I put quite a bit of energy into my perception of his feelings about the whole thing. Despite this, I really never saw his feelings of grief about our inability to conceive just my own.


Because I put so much energy into the 'harmony' in our lives, I wasn't being true to my deepest and real feelings about wanting a child. I tried to move into 'count your blessings material' way too fast; I even did a pretty good job of convincing myself that I was okay with being childless.

It's all very well to move on with your lives, count your blessings and all the rest of it; any of us who have been through infertility issues are usually relatively accomplished at this.

My husband, because I was definitely putting on a brave face assumed that I was 'okay' with things. (He wasn't as it happens, but he was going along with what he thought I wanted).
One afternoon six months ago my girlfriend came round and told me all about a couple of friends of our who had adopted, I burst into floods of tears. Those tears were what I really felt.
My husband was away that weekend, by the time he came back we ended up having a big scene that was ultimately the best conversation we've ever had. I thought that he wasn't being supportive of my desires for a child, he thought I had given up on it and was okay with it.

Through me being absolutely truthful we are now both on a very committed journey into adoption.

There is more power in being absolutely true to your feelings. He needs to know that you are not ready to move on, that you are willing to keep on trying and that you can move on from this (perhaps) failed adoption, and hopefully into a succesful one.

As far as I can see the whole business of adoption is mired in such possibilities as the one that you are facing, it's the nature of the game. I really hope that he will be able to see this.

Don't be scared about pressing your truths and being true to your inner voice and needs. If he can hear you, then maybe he will agree with and support you.

Much, much love and best wishes

Poulla

[Support2Adopt]

{{{Deb}}}
Just wanted to send some prayers and hugs to you and your dh.
JJ

[EZ2Luv]

I am so sorry for what you are gong through and I cannot claim to know what it is like because I don't. I can only imagine what it must be like based on what my amother had gone through during our waiting time for my abrother. The uncertainty of the whole process is devastating enough and then to hear that the bmom took off must be horrible.

I have sen many times where the bmom takes off and then resurfaces and goes through with the adoption plan and I pray this is the case for you.

God Bless You,
EZ

[EZ2Luv]

I am so sorry for what you are gong through and I cannot claim to know what it is like because I don't. I can only imagine what it must be like based on what my amother has gone through during our waiting time for my abrother. The uncertainty of the whole process is devastating enough and then to hear that the bmom took off must be horrible.

I have sen many times where the bmom takes off and then resurfaces and goes through with the adoption plan and I pray this is the case for you.

God Bless You,
EZ

[Volfe]

Welp, I can't see how this pregnant <i>mother</i> will be allowed (by the state) to parent with everyone knowing the truth like this. Crack useage in pregnancy has GOT to be a sure sign of neglect (not to mention the spending the rent money on drugs).

I would hope you'll remain committed to this baby, but get some education on the conditions he might be born with.

I'm sad for you but I'm really very sad for the children innvolved in this woman's life.

Crack is a very selfish drug. It is so sad... I could tell you some stories... It is controlling her behaviour. Besides going back to the drug, it tends to make its users very paranoid and undergoing the scrutiny of social workers, doctors, everybody might be more than she can bear.

Maia

[SadieAnn]

Deb:

So very sorry to hear the pain in your voice. Our bmom is due in Dec (our first match) and your experience is something that most, if not all, of us fear.

This past summer our agency had a picnic of people who had adopted thru the agency. As a person "waiting" to adopt I showed up. I was amazed at how many of those happy moms & dads first went through failed matches, some at the last moment such as yours.

I cannot tell you where eventually they found the strength to continue on, but it was clear that they had. It was also clear that if they had not, they would not be the parents they are today.

With the passion you clearly express to be a mom, I suspect that eventually you'll be one of those women who continue on, and eventually you'll be the mom you yearn to be.

I'm sure it's hard for your husband to not only feel this loss himself, but to see the pain it is causing you. Perhaps some counseling for both of you can help you sort thru this?

(hugs)

[Xx~*Melinda*~xX]

I'm so so so sorry that you have to go through this. I know this must be extreamly hard and you must be having a rough time but it's going to be okay... just remember that its not your fault that the birth mom decided to do what she did. Its hard to move on but you don't know whats going to happen right now and its best to just take it easy, it might turn out... who really knows right now?! I hope it turns out and I hope you are able to move on and that you will be able to step in the next direction... whatever it is.
~ I hope you are okay right now... please let us know how it goes...