[Opting4Adopting]

The expectant couple that we'll be meeting next weekend had made the comment that they would like us to consider making them the legal guardians or Godparents of the baby so that they could "have the chance" to raise the baby if something ever happened to us.

Had anyone ever run into this before? How do we handle a situation like this?

This is something that my husband and I never even thought of...we would probably ask my husband's nephew & wife be our child's guardian in that case. They live just 10 miles from us, have 4 kids of their own, and that would mean that our child would still live in the same area that he grew up in, with the same people he already knew...
I know that we need to express this to the pbparents, but I'm afraid that if we don't word it just right, it will come out wrong...

The baby is due to be born in the next few weeks and this is our first face-to-face meeting with the expectant parents!

Help!!!

Kat

[michellemartin]

If you're planning an open adoption, they may be afraid that if something were to happen to you, the new guardian wouldnt keep the adoption open. Would they keep it open and continue the relationship you develop with the bparents? It scares me a bit to think something may happen to Kara's parents and I'd never know how she was doing or if she were still alive.

[Camai]

My oldest adopted son's bio grandparents are my all 3 of my adopted kids god parents. Of course these are open adoptions but it works out well. I f anything happens to me or my dh the kids will go back from whence they came.

[Opting4Adopting]

I understand where they are coming from and could only hope to convince them to wait and see how the dynamics work out...we anticipate and look forward to an open adoption and hope to include the bio family in many family gathering, hoping that they will become family as well.
I guess it's such a strange request because we don't even know them yet. I just don't want to let any of our anxiety to color our response to the point that we say anything to unintentionally offend them.
Would it be offensive if we agree but make a request ourselves that if they are not married and "stable" that we temporarily request our "other" choice to parent until such time as the bioparents are ready?????? (I'm just trying to anticipate how we're going to feel about finding parents for our child if something should ever happen to us)
Kat

[MommaD]

I take it this will be your first child? Do you plan on adopting more later maybe? My first thought was, are they willing to be god parents to any future children as well? If something happened to you and you have say 2 children, will the children be split then? It would be terrible to lose your parents AND your sibling(s) all at once Just a thought.

MommaD

[rtsmom]

I would never agree to give someone I don't know godparent status to my child(ren). Choosing a godparent is no light matter. You want to choose someone you know and trust who you know shares your parenting philosophies and your values. A god parent should be someone who knows the child very well, someone the child is comfortable with, hopefully even loves deeply.

I would not agree to give this responsibility to someone who is, at this point in your life, a total stranger. If, down the road, you develop a deep and trusting bond with these pbparents, then it would be worth considering.

Just my two cents worth...

[SchmennaLeigh]

While the thought is nice, making the birthparents the Godparents of your children could cause future problems if you adopt other children. It's obvious that they're just searching for a way to be involved in their child's life if something was to happen to the both of you -- and most of the world isn't necessarily as open towards opneness, thus cutting them out of their child's life. It's something that you should definitely discuss WITH the child's godparents so that the birthparents can have peace of mind. Let the godparents (whomever you choose) know that the same level of openness that you eventually decide on with this family is expected to continue.

Furthermore, don't make any promises that you cannot keep.

[Leigh131313]

There is NO WAY ON EARTH i would make my sons birthmom his godparent. My son is a FULL member of OUR family, this is not a temporary adoption. My family would be DEVESTATED!!! He is also a full member of his bio-family, but that is not where he is being raised. I would seriously wonder why they would want this. Do they look at you as just a temporary babysitter?

I do think you need to reassure them that no matter WHAT happens, you will always make sure they have a role in your child's life. When we picked godparents for our son, the first thing I stressed to them was how important it was for him to remain in contact with his birthfamily. If they were not ok with that, we would have found different godparents. Share with them the plans you have already thought about, why you think those people would be the best godparents for your child. Maybe even invite them all over some time so that they can meet.

I would be very clear with them how you feel. They can not have any false illusions about this arrangement, they need to know the truth. Be honest, clear and compassionate....there is nothing else you can do if you want this to work out for the best.
Leigh

[sugarbabysmommy]

Something else to consider, what if you and your husband were to die soon after finalization. Would this couple be in any better position to raise the child in six months than they are now? When considering a gaurdian for your child it's important that that person be ready today, not in the future. As for stipulating they they can have gauridanship if they are stable enough, or can take over gaurdianship once stable enough, who would make that determination? Passing that sort of judgement about their readiness could be very risky, possbily become very ugly and damage relationships.

We did have this topic come up during our match and our child's birthmother was shocked, and I think scared, that we would consider friends as possible gaurdians before family. One thing that you must do is discuss with whom ever you choose their willingness to continue the relationship you develop and promise with the birthfamilies, making it clear that the relationship is part of your child's life. Let the expectant parents know you'll be having this discussion with the persons you choose to be gaurdians, and that you will add the terms of your open adoption agreement to your wills. Explaining that you will be adding the terms of your agreement to your wills may address some of their fears.

The point about raising more than this one child is very valid. And another thing to consider when choosing gaurdians, will the gaurdian be flexible and open enough to maintian not one, but two open adoption relationships?

[mimc]

Choose potential guardians for your child(ren), should something happen to you and your spouse, very carefully. What sort of life do you envision for your child(ren)? Do you see them in public or private school? Do you plan for them to spend summers playing in the backyard or at summer camp? Do you want them to travel and see the country or the world? Who in your family or circle of friends can provide the life that you want for your child(ren) should something happen to you?

Our family is Methodist, and in our church, the word Godparent denotes a person who will be closely involved in the child's life and provide emotional and spiritual guidance. My parents chose godparents for both my sister and me, but when it came time to writing their will, they chose a different couple entirely to be our guardians, should something happen to them before we were grown. Plus, we each had our own set of godparents, so it would have been silly to send us to two separate homes.

I think the potential birthfamily here wants to feel that their role will not end with the signing of the adoption papers. Perhaps you can explain to them (if everything else goes well and you feel this is the right match for you) that they will always play a special role in this child's life, but that you need time to determine who in your family and circle of friends would provide the best home for the child. And I think the other posters make very vaild points about the possibility of adopting again and wanting the children to stay together. The birthparents may not have considered that either.

Do not promise more than you are comfortable delivering.

[Byngee12]

There is NO WAY ON EARTH i would make my sons birthmom his godparent. My son is a FULL member of OUR family, this is not a temporary adoption. My family would be DEVESTATED!!! He is also a full member of his bio-family, but that is not where he is being raised. I would seriously wonder why they would want this. Do they look at you as just a temporary babysitter?


Hi Leigh; I captured part of your post so that I could refer to it in my comments, OK? I understand your comments but as a B-mom I was offended by the first sentence. I think in certain situations its entirely appropriate to have the B-parents become the Godparents. In my post adoption support group one of the B-moms is her son's Godparent; nothing wrong with that. I think your 2nd sentence expresses very well why these P/B-parents would be asking to do this; you see in spite of the placement we as B-moms still veiw our child as a FULL family member too, and whomever they select to become the Godparents is not where the child will be raised like you said, so there is the potential for closure to occur, which is probably why they asked. You see, they leave our arms but never our hearts. It would likely devastate her to think that this permenant OPEN ADOPTION could be closed upon the death of the A-Parents. Sudden closure has been described by B-moms in this forum who've experienced it as a fate worse than death. This P/B-mom IMO sounds very desperate to make sure that nothing comes between her and the OA she has with her child. That is completely understandable and very honorable.
Speaking personally I as a B-mom never once thought of my daughters parents as "babysitter's" or of her adoption as "temporary." My biggest wish was they would love and accept this child in every way under the sun. That hope was what kept me going for 21 years until we were reunited.
You said you'd seriously wonder why they would do this; I, on the other hand, simply think these P/B-parents are some of the wisest I've ever heard of. I imagined them as people, loving parents, who want to cover every base to maintain contact with this child.
I'm not saying they should become the Godparents, what I am saying is that I completely understand why they would ask to, and I for one admire them for doing so. JMO Tara

[Leigh131313]

Byngee

I totally agree....it is SOOO Important that the child remains part of the birthparents lives, even if the adoptive parents pass away. But i still would never make my sons birthmom his guardian....This was never a concern in our case, and it was never brought up to me by the birthfamily...but picking guardians that would honor his relationship with his birthfamily was VERY important to ME, so i do understand that. If our adoption depended on them getting custody if something happened to us, I would have turned the match down. I feel VERY strongly about that. I found through our adoption experience there were things i was willing to compromise or let go on, but there were a few things that were not negotiable....the important thing is to be honest (with yourself AND the birthfamily) about these things. The thing that stood out to me in Opting's second post was that she was going to put conditions on it....it sounded to me like she was skirting around it...wanting to agree, but not really wanting to follow through (this may just be MY interpretation) I felt it was important to show her that its ok to not be ok with this....as long as you are upfront about the way you feel.

Sorry I offended you , but that does not change my view on it. Please notice that i did not say that " No adoptive parent should make the birthparent the guardian" for me, there is no way I would do it.

Leigh

[HappyTwinsMom]

We endured a failed placement about eight months before our daughters were born. In that particular situation, there were several "red flags" that we and the agency were able to look back on and see how we should have anticipated the failure. One of the biggest was that "K" wanted to be named guardian of the baby should something happen to us. (The adoption was intended to be semi-open - no visits.) Fortunately, our social worker was in the room at the time "K" raised the question and was able to address it from a professional standpoint. One thing "R" (the SW) mentioned to "K" was did she really want to remove her child from a family where she had been raised for (possibly) years and have her placed with people she didn't know?

Just something to think about, but I couldn't promise "K" what she was asking for. It was a matter of integrity with me. I knew that we would choose my sister and BIL as guardians of our child(ren) and I couldn't promise to do otherwise.

Yes, it's possible your match could fail if this is something you're not comfortable with. But, ask yourself this: Could you live with yourself if you promised something that you weren't sure you could deliver on? Our agency's director cautioned us strongly at the very beginning of our adoption journey to "not let our emotions make our promises for us." This is something I took deeply to heart and still use as my biggest piece of advice to adopting couples.

[JenCo]

Originally posted by rtsmom
I would never agree to give someone I don't know godparent status to my child(ren). Choosing a godparent is no light matter. You want to choose someone you know and trust who you know shares your parenting philosophies and your values. A god parent should be someone who knows the child very well, someone the child is comfortable with, hopefully even loves deeply.

Substitute the titles here and it will tell alot about how the potential birth parents are probably feeling.

I would never agree to give someone I don't know PARENT status to my child(ren). Choosing PARENTS is no light matter. you want to choose someone you know and trust who you know shares your parenting philosophies and values. ...

Maybe this is what the potential birthparents are really thinking rather than a desire to be named the Godparents. Just food for thought.

Jennifer

[lisa in venice]

My youngest ds' birth mom is his God mother but my dh's sister is the guardian of all four kids should someting happen to us. One of he reasons we chose her and her husband is BECAUSE they would maintain the ssame level of openness with the birth family.

I would waant to know what the birth family was thinking in making this request and see if you can alk it thru. As others have suggested you may adopt subsequent chidlren and yu would want them to be kept together, would they be interested in raising all of your other childlern? Are they concerned about a change in openness if something happened to you? Are they looking for a second chanve to parent? Do they want to further codify their relationship to you and your family. It is not nessesarily a bazzar request but it may not ork out. I think you need to talk about it.

lisa