[heikkila]

I have really been thinking lately that I'd like to try to adopt one more baby. We are not in a great financial position because of of two successful and one failed adoption and all the expenses that went along with that, and I already am the oldest mom at daycare.

My husband says we are done.

Do I just let it go?

How has anyone else out there come to the decision that thier families are complete?

Becky

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Well Becky, you don't say how old you are but my dh and I are both 43 (feel 93). We have 6 children ages 1, 2, 3, 15, 16, 20. The 16 and 20 are our biological children, the other 4 are foster kids we're adopting so we're starting over!

My only advice is that if your hubby doesn't want to adopt another child you shouldn't. I couldn't see our situation working out if we both weren't on the same "page."

Also, don't forget the middle of the night feedings, loss of sleep, etc.

Good luck in your decision.

Michelle

[amom4life]

Becky~ I agree if Dh isn't in agreement it's a moot point. Dh and I are both in our mid forties and we're adopting again. My best friend is in her late thirties and dh late fifties and they are expecting their second placement in Nov.
Judy

[Jensboys]

And I am 30 and my husband 33 - and according to him we are both WAYYYY to old to consider starting over.

I am hoping senility will set in and he will agree to a daughter some day

[hpoefull2003]

My dh is 46, I am 42 and our older children are 24, our babies are 18 months and we do it again. I think it all depends on the person whether they personally feel to old or not.

[Linny]

Becky:
Back in 1982.....we had brought home our second child. A boy, adopted from Japan. He was a very difficult baby and toddler. However, he 'aged out' of this, and is now a successful and wonderful adult. At that time, my dh said, "NO more infants...no more kids!"
We were both 25yrs old. Sometime in our late thirties, we decided to try older child adoption. Of the three kids we adopted then....one turned out to be a disaster (in residential and will be for his life)...the other two bonded and are now a teenager and 9yrs old.
Sometime in our mid forties.........we decided to go for private agency domestic adoption. We brought home our first baby in 2001.......the second in 2004. Our children now range in age from 24yrs to 18 months. NOW, dh says he is done----and I'm not so sure. But.....according to his 'past' track record......I figure I don't have a lot to worry about!
Give him time. Sometimes I think guys just get more uptight about this stuff than we do? And sometimes I think we're just crazier....I don't know. But.......I think I'd like just 'one more'!

Give him time.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Cheryl62]

I'm an adoptee, not an a-mom, so I hope no one minds me posting here...

I was interested, because DH and I are thinking about an international adoption, and wondering the same thing.

He's 53, I'm 42. We have 6 bio kids (yours, mine, and ours) - but the older four are starting to leave the nest (first already has) - at 19, 17, 16, and 15. In two years - they'll all four be out of the house and in college, and our brood at home will be down to two children - now 8 and 7.

It feels like the house will feel empty.. I love having lots of kids around. We're considering an older child adoption (3-5 year old) - but are still just in the thinking stage...lots to consider - special needs, attachment issues, etc. Not to mention our ages. Still pondering - the funny thing is - if you had asked us a year ago, DH would have said no way, and I would have been gung ho. Now he's gung ho, and I'm a little unsure - but maybe that comes from the great education many of you a-moms on this site have given me? Obviously being on the same page is critical - but you may find that develops naturally over time... Good luck!

Cheryl

[Sylvester]

This is something I think about all the time. We have two adopted children. We were married very young and knew we would be adopting so we did our fist adoption at 23. Our second at 26. We are now approaching 30, I had always said I wanted to be done having babies by time I was 30. We have been foster care licensed for over a year. My husband says if we adopt another one he wants to go the domestic infant route again, at this time we are not in the position to do it. I go back and forth all the time. One minute I like that the girls are growing up and we can do so many things with them. Then I think how can I go through the rest of my life never having another baby again. I don't think there is a set answer about being too old. There are days I feel old!!!!

[mommom]

I am 50 years old - single mom. I have a 31yo bio-d and a 4yo a-d...and 4 f-d ages 3,5,7,and 15. I would love to adopt the kids I have...and maybe a couple more. The thing I think about the most is - what are the chances of me being around until they all reach adulthood. My parents both passed in their mid60's. I think I am in great health and THINK I will be around forever - but the reality is, I might not - and then what??? Well, I do have a plan but it is something that you need to consider when thinking about adopting at an 'older' age.

[amom4life]

Being younger doesn't guarentee that something won't happen to you. There is always that risk younger and older and God's the only one who knows for sure when our time here is up.

I have known several young women in the past 3-4 years who have died from cancer leaving behind young children. Plus there's car accidents and a number of other things.

My point is anyone can be taken from this life at anytime and any age. So the responsible thing to do at any age is have a will in place stating who your children will go to if something does happen. So yes consider your age but I wouldn't let it be a deterrant to having more children if you are healthy and have the energy.
Judy

[poullafouca]

Here is another difficult aspect of 'the age thing'.

My husbands parents are very down on 'older' parents.
One fourth of July, his mother was visiting and one of our former neighbors who was about forty was wandering about with her newborn; mother-in-law, who is a very old-fashioned southern black lady started muttering about "disgusting, these old women with their children." I was pretty shocked, because at that point I was thirty-nine and very much in the throes of trying to get pregnant.
Roll on a few years and we are matched and moving steadily towards our first adoption, (I think we would like two children). Obviously we have to announce to the family what we are up to, but feel very constrained and uncomfortable about their highly possible condemnation.
My husband has children from a former marriage, so the grandparents do feel as if they have grandchildren.

Why is everything so BLEEP difficult when you can't have bio children?
I mean, I am happy, beyond happy to be adopting, but anyone here who has done it knows what I mean, explaining to people, home studies, dealing with infertility, hostile relatives. Makes me wanna holler.

Usually, I find that those who are hostile, already have children, and have 'been there and done that'. I wish they could extend some imagination to those of us who took so long to find out that we couldn't have children. Just because you are over thirt-five doesn't mean that you don't long for children and suffer so much for this unfulfilled dream, nor does it mean that you cannot parent well.

Besides, what about those unusual woman that get pregnant at the age of forty five? What about that?

Anyways, sorry to jump on your posting, but it got me goin'.

Becky, you go girl.

Poulla


Thanks for the moan.

[Katrinad]

Just chuckling, a women of 55 gave birth to her third child here in NZ a couple of weeks ago!! She had her second at 53!!
Katrina

[skootinalong2]

I am 46 and my DH is 47. We have 2 bio children, D25, S22 are legal guardians for A14 (consider him our own) and our adoption will be final for T, 22 mos., on Dec. 2nd. We also have a grandson who is 11 days older than T. My DH said we were done after our first son was born. (he even had a vasectomy) Well, never say never. We have 2 more. People ask if we are done and we just laugh. Who knows what God will do? We are foster parents but do not have any (except for T) right now.

My dad thinks we are crazy. But he loves my kids. Different relatives have made jokes about us "collecting" kids and we better quit foster care before we "accquire" more kids. They ask what I am going to tell people when they ask why our children don't all look like us. I tell them I am going to say "I sleep around." My DH laughs at me. Everyone has an opinion. You need to do what is right for you and your DH. They will come around and if they don't, it's their loss.

My daughter and her DH will raise the younger two if something happens to us. The women on my side of the family live to be old. I have one grandma who is 93 and the other is 89.

[FuzzyMom]

I'm generally more of a lurker here but feel the need to add my comments....

Yes, anyone could die young, but the fact is we are more likely to have health issues as we get older.

My mother is 75 and has Parkinson's Disease. My father died at 69. Due to her illness she can no longer drive, is unable to live by herself, and depends on me for transporation to appts, etc. I worry that my daughter will have to deal with the effects of my aging when she is trying to raise children of her own. I know how stressful aging parents can be and don't want that for her.

I am 40 and the amom of 8-mo old so I'm not telling anyone they are too old, but to consider your child's future as well as your own.

[heikkila]

Thanks for all the comments. I'm glad there are others my age (and even a little older who are out there and doing it! It gives me a lot of hope.

I can't do anything unless my hubby is on board - it isn't like I can have an "oops" adoption.

Realistically we can't even think about it until we get financially in the clear again - that in itself might take care of our decision for us.

I'll let you know if we decide to go for #3 - keep your fingers crossed for me.

Becky