[AshleyMarren]

I joined this website and have been posting as an adoptee, but now I need to speak as a prospective adoptive parent. This is certainly unexpected but here goes: My 16 year old brother has a 15 year old girlfriend; they have been together (on and off) for about two years. They have been sleeping together for about a year. I knew about it because my brother always confides in me.

They have always been very responsible but for whatever reason they slipped up and now she is pregnant. Although they are both wonderful people, this is not the right time in their lives to try to parent their child.

My fiancée and I have been talking about all this together and we are considering adopting the baby (provided my brother, his girlfriend, and our families agree). I should also mention that it is highly unlikely that I will ever be able to conceive. I've known this since I was about 10, so I have always expected that I would adopt children.

I do have concerns though, I wonder if it would be too hard on my brother to see me with the child, I wonder how (s)he will react to the information that his/her uncle and birthfather are one and the same. I already love this baby but if this is not the right thing for him/her then I won't do it, I just want the best for the baby.

Is anyone here involved in an intra-family adoption? I was adopted, but not by family so I would like to know how intra-family adoption is different for everyone involved. And am I selfish for wanting this child?

[Leigh131313]

Hi there...

My mom is a birthmom, and her sister adopted the baby.

At the time my aunt was preg. with a child as well, and she basically raised them as twins..they are about 2 months apart.

The thing I have noticed growing up is how hard it is for my mother to "let go". Several times when I was growing up she did things that, in my opinion, was unfair to my aunt. She tried to get the child to come live with her, she gave her expensive gifts that my aunt could never afford....things like that. I'm not saying this wouldnt have happened had the child been placed OUTSIDE the family...but it would definately be easier for adoptive parents to set up boundaries.

My aunt has been really great through all of it......I think the fact that she never got involved in any power struggles is what has saved the child from some very confusing feelings.

One of the main reasons open adoption scared me initially, was watching my mothers attempts to manipulate this situation as I was growing up. I thought all bmom's would go to any lengths to get their children "back" once they were older...or do anything to undermine the relationship between achild and aparents. Clearly, this is not always (and rarely so) the case.

My concern for you would be......how are you going to feel about being so close to the birthparents? Are you going to feel threatened by their presence? How are you going to set up solid boundaries? Have you even discussed it with them? or is this just something you and your husband are thinking about......are they even considering adoption?

It's hard when you want something so badly, to really look at the big picture...good luck
Leigh

[darnspacemonkey]

My dh's dad (now deceased) was adopted by his aunt also- no problems. I believe that this situation has to depend on the family. My dh remebers going to visit his dad's aunt when he was young- but the whole situation was so matter-of-fact, that it wasn't a big deal. Everyone felt loved and everyone was happy.

[grace2]

I don't know what your family situation is, but I would only adopt his baby if I was totally willing to share parenting with them. I'm not saying that they would butt in, but they are so young, it would be easier for them to slip into the "good parents" role. By this I mean that the baby will know that they are his/her biological parents and will probably form a tight bond with them. This bond could be used to your disadvantage. You get all of the parenting responsibilities, and they get some of the fun parts (spoiling). They give advice that is in direct opposition to your beliefs/advice. The child gets mad at you and wants to run to them, they spoil him/her and send him/her back when the going gets tough. You understand. If you go into this, go in with your eyes wide open. Really think about their behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, values, because it is likely that you will have to deal with these daily for the rest of your life.

JMHO.

[baconchips]

Your brother needs to find out what the girlfriend is going to do. If your brother wants to place it doesn't mean she wants to place or even wants to place. she may want to parent her baby. No one knows without asking the girl. Even if she does want to place she may have a family in mind or she may want to place with people not related to her or your brother.

[Xx~*Melinda*~xX]

Hello.
I was adopted... and I do wish I was in my own family. I don't think you are being selfish in wanting this child... that is if THEY don't/can't keep this child. I do think it is a good idea for you to adopt this baby. It would be easier on the parents and they would have contact with their child... not to mention you would have a little bundle of joy sooner than you had ever amagined. In my opinion it is a great idea. I hope it goes well... whatever u decide.

[Camai]

I speak from experience that whatever you normalize as the reality for your prospective adopted child will be ok...as long as you believe it.
I have three adopted kids (10, 5, 3 mos) the last two are from the same Mom. The the Moms of these kids grew up together so they know one another. In other words, it is NO secret to anyone here in Alaska who wants to make it their business who the mothers of my kids are.
I however have these kids and need to explain to them why they are the ones who got "kicked out of their respective litters".

So, in our day to day conversation, the 10 year old has his Mom..me and his 'nother Mom...her...and his brothers and sisters...seven there and three here...and grandparents everywhere...natural grandparents and adoptive grandparents.

My point is that we talk the talk and walk the walk....no worries, no secrets and no jealousy on either side, we all love one another and see each other, ALL OF US if you can imagine, several times a year.

Peace and good luck !!

[SchmennaLeigh]

In family adoption, which could be great, often has many pitfalls that so many people end up falling in. First of all, secrets should not happen. Ever. For any reason. Secondly, you have to realize that you need to keep your promises to your brother and his girlfriend. While all adoptive parents should keep the promises, there are no usual upfront consequences until the child finds out why their birthparents weren't in the picture during their lives. If you don't keep your promises to your brother... YOU lose a FAMILY MEMBER and create strain throughout your family. That is not good nor optimal.

Just things to think over and deal with prior to broaching the subject.