[Byngee12]

Mom2: I confused myself with that one sorry! I had to re-read her initial post to gleen that her husband was hoping for a closed adoption; but having found that I still agree that if he is this childs father his needs must also be considered.
You say:
Maybe you can consider having some visits for the first year, while the child is young enough not to really understand. This might be all the pbmom needs or it may not be.

Might not be...so what if it isn't?
If Kelly has already stated that she doesn't want to do visits and the mother has said that she does why propose a compromise that Kelly controls but neither is comfortable with? IMO the only thing either of them need to consider is whether they can agree to live with the terms the other is asking for, not agree to terms that can/will be changed as the child gets older.
I just think that unless a P-A-parent is as comfortable with visitation as YOU are she shouldn't be pursuing an adoption where the mother indicates a desire to visit.
BTW: Thank you for clarifying things for me; I luv your ideas and posts! (usually) TJ

[Volfe]

It doesn't seem that we want Kelley to compromise on the situation. I don't think anyone truly wants that...

More that it needs to be realized that everyone here can get what they want... just not with each other -- which means a bad match/ no match -- Time to find the right match.

Writing down what you want clarifies everything without trying to compromise anything. It just help solidify that this (list) is what you want.

Even her husband can have a closed adoption on his end... he doesn't need to look at pics, go to visits, anything. My boyfriend doesn't go to any visits though he's seen his daughter at the after-school care with her nanny (who works there). He's not as needy as I am of her presence... He does love those pics tho!

Good luck.

[lisa in venice]

I have to agree that this is a bad match and a real recipe for disaster. I don't know what kind of adoption professional you are working with but I would suggest that both you and the expectant mom find someone who can educatae you about the levels of openness so that each of you can find a level that is right for you. I personally thibnk open adoptions are great (AND NO they don't confuse the kids) but everyone has to be onboard with it and if any party is doing something they are uncomfortable with it is not going to work. I think it may be time to find a different situation. I also think it is VERY important to do some reading on how to talk to children about adoption. The waiting until they can understant really gives my pause.

"Raising Adopted Kids"
"Children of Open Adoption"

are two good references

lisa

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Kelly-

If she writes down more than you want....then please have the strength to look her in the eye and tell her that she should find someone who wants those same things. Please, please, please....dont try to say that "I thought we had all of this settled.."

Christine

[stacyone]

I'm an amom in an open adoption and I have to say there are some big ol' red flags here.

The list suggestion was excellent. And KellyStacy (good name, btw!) if this isn't the one for you, have the strength to walk away. I know -- believe me, I know -- how hard that would be. But think about that child later in life. Do you want his/her bmom to forever be wishing she'd had more? Eventually secrets come out and if she feels like she was deceived or manipulated, you WILL pay a price -- the respect of your child.

I also really applaud you for coming here, being honest, and listening to the feedback you're getting. It's not easy, is it?

[michellemartin]

I agree with Volfe above with the seperate lists and if they are not similar, walk away.

Think more about why you dont want visits. I guess that always made me leary when looking through profiles, although there are many bmoms out here who would only do closed...

[Leigh131313]

When we first started on our adoption path, i was VERY reluctant about open adoption..... After meeting and talking with people involved in open adoptions, it started to sound like a good idea....and after meeting my sons birthmom, I wouldnt have it any other way. I didnt change my mind in order to "get the baby" I changed my mind because i saw how wonderful his birthfamily is. Actually, THEY were the ones who were surprised at how open we were willing to be with them. It's ok for you to re-evaluate and come to the conclusion that you would now be ok with visits...perhaps now that you KNOW the pbmom, you are more comfortable....but that is something you have to look into your heart to figure out. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by discussing this and being honest......

Do you know anyone who is actively involved in an open adoption? You may want to ask your agency for some names....I know that really helped me with my worries. I know there are lots of us on here, but its so different to talk and see in person.

I hope you find your way through this,
Leigh

[kathycasa]

KellyStacey,

Just be careful. I have 2 kids from the same bparents. I had originally agreed to a semiopen adoption with pics and phone calls for the first coupla years. The bparents live in another state so I didn't think much after our second was born. However, 3 months ago, they called saying they were passing thru town and neede 50 bucks for gas to get home, and they wanted to see the kids. I agreed only because they are still young and I figured a 30 minute visit would be fine. I have found out she is pg AGAIN, and they will be moving back to our town soon. I am scared that they will call and want to hook up. I don't know what to do. I feel like I screwed up because I didn't set the correct boundaries. So, with that said, turn it down. I know easier said than done, but you will be miserable in the future if you listen to your heart and not you brain. Good luck.Kathy

[KellyStacy]

I decided I needed to talk to the birthmom once again.We talked for hours,like we normally do anyway.I told her I have to be honost with her,there was a problem.As a couple we agreed that we did not want open adoption if ever we adopted.Everyone has their views and opinions on this subject but for us its not what we want.I told her we want to be up front and make sure that she fully understands if we adopt we could definitely do the pictures and phone calls.I told her I would not make a promise I could not keep,that is why i needed to let her know visits for us were just not an option.I told her I did not want to feel obligated whenever she wanted to see the child that I would have to let her visit.We feel as the child got older this would be a very uncomfortable and confusing for the child and also for her children.The birthmom agreed she said she talked to her friend who also agreed this would be too much for everyone involved.The birthmom was so happy I was first of all so honost with her.I told her I was so scared and was very upset and even crying because we want this baby so much.The birthmom said I should always feel free to tell her my feelings,which we have been doing all along.I tell her how I am afraid she will change her mind and the funny part is she is afraid I will change my mind!I told her I want her to feel completely comfortable in knowing that this baby will be loved so much.I told the birthmom I truely needed her opinion and she said she would be fine with pictures and phone calls.She suggested visits,but said after thinking she was not sure if that would be such a good idea either.Afterwards she asked if I felt better and of course I did.I just told her I want everything to work out for us,that I would never agree to something if I was not going to do it.We have a special bond which is really good,I am just so thankful for her.I don't know what will end up happening in this adoption.All we do is pray and hope our little miracle will come home soon.Thanks everyone for your advice.

[Volfe]

Erm, it sounds like she wants you to feel better...
It sounds like she is putting your happiness first.
Im not sure that she realizes, or has done the correct research, on post-placement grief and Loss.
Please understand I have had a GREAT open adoption, I know how great pre-placement relationships are and talking... everything (I'm not trying to push open if you don't want it).

I recommend, again, a list, done in private, influenceable by no one.

Visits by birth family in adoptions do not confuse children. Just like children do not think their aunt is their mom, they won't think their bmom is their mom.

[MMC66]

KellyStacy-
What an awesome story! I just had a wonderful 2 month relationship with our baby's bmom. She is 2 weeks old now. It was the bmom's decision to have a closed adoption after the birth but she has our number and I told her she could call if she changed her mind. I too wouldn't be comfortable with visits but would love an occasional phone conversation if she chooses. I miss her.

Emotions run so high when you are so close to holding your baby. I really admire how you handled the situation - and it turned out so wonderfully for all concerned. Best of luck to you!!

Martha

[AMom2Two]

Originally posted by MMC66
KellyStacy-
What an awesome story!

Emotions run so high when you are so close to holding your baby. I really admire how you handled the situation - and it turned out so wonderfully for all concerned. Best of luck to you!!

Martha

Kelly,
I agree with Martha. I, too, admire how you handled this situation. Wishing you the VERY best!

BTW, when is the baby due? I want to mark it in my computer calendar Is the agency still planning on advertising for the bfather? Has there been any movement on that end.

Hugs and admiration coming your way.. ((((((Kelly)))))))))

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I agree with Volfe.... If she considered visits once....she will probably consider them again later. I felt that visits would be too hard for me and I could deal with only pics and letters....occaisional phone call and now....5 years later..... I am really kicking myself and trying to come to terms.

It DOES sound like she is taking your opinion and her friend's opinion before her own. Telling her that you were crying because you really want her baby would have done nothing but make the guilt bigger.

While I too, admire that you had the courage to talk to her face to face, I dont think that it resolved what you think that it did.

Perhaps she should talk to people about open adoption or to people who thought they wouldnt want visits, too. Someone neutral who has been through it....not just the waiting couple and a friend who cant possibly know how it feels.

You want to know that she is sure. Would the guilt eat at you later if you found out that she really DID want visits after all?

[KellyStacy]

I understand what you are saying in your post.Truely all I can do is tell the birthmom our feelings.We respect the birthmom very much and that is why we tell her our feelings.As the birthmom she has a choice and we trust her when she says its ok with pictures and phone calls.Nobody ever knows how any adoption situation will turn.Am I sure this is what she wants? all I can do is go by what she is telling us.Sorry if I said I was crying but that was my real and true feeling that I felt I should share with the birthmom.I don't understand some of the postings on this adoption forum.Nobody is an expert on being an adoptive mom or a birthmom.I feel that being honost through the whole adoption is all we can do.A birthmom can change their minds at any point in time, for any reason at all.We do respect the birthmom's feelings.True neither I nor her friend know what this birthmom is going through,and we would never pretend to.When we talk on the phone the birthmom tells me her feelings and I tell her how I feel.I think together we can try and learn to understand how each other truely feel.The birthmom has expressed to us several times she feels so at peace with us,she knows her baby will truely be loved! I feel absolutely no guilt at all.Only God knows the outocme of every adoption.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Truely all I can do is tell the birthmom our feelings.

That isnt true. She can be told, like I said, to speak with other birthmothers. She is obviously confused. I can see that even from your posts. She can be pointed to where real help is. Even at your own expense of losing her child.

We all preach to educate, but then how many times do we fail when it comes time to follow through with that?? *sigh*