[ahimsa]

I would really like some input on our situation, if you can! :-)

My husband and I are currently in a match with a toddler sibling set. We are ready to move forward with placement, but have one concern. The children have four biological brothers, ages 8-15. Fine...no problem. The four boys live with the birthfather of the oldest boy and have visits a few times a month with our potential children. Fine...no problem. They live in the same city as us. Fine...no problem. There is however, one problem. Because this man is the guardian of these four boys, he still has contact with the childrens' birthmother, who is also our potential childrens' birthmother. I love the idea of our children having contact with the brothers, but am nervous about the birthmom connection. I don't worry about her from a custodial sense. Foster care has terminated her right to parent them. I am just concerned because she would like the youngest two to be placed with their brothers. Foster care has determined that he has his hands full with four boys and are making a plan for adoption. I am concerned that the birthmother is going to know to much about us and the about our situation. I am also concerned that because this is a transracial adoption, she will not approve. Am I being silly to worry about this? I really wish birthmom wasn't in the picture, but that's not the case. What do you think??? I would love to hear the opinions of others on this one!

Thanks! :-)

[Daisha]

I am sorry that you are having problems right now in your situation. I hope the best for your family!

As for my advise, I would talk to your social worker and see if he/she has any advise for you. Other than that, I really don't know what I would do. I just wanted to offer you my support and I hope all goes well!

[Leigh131313]

Interesting how every adoption situation is so unique....

Just wanted to wish you well.....I really have no clue how to handle the situation, but i'd definately utilize my social workers expertice. Good Luck!!
Leigh

[BrandyHagz]

Girlie_hen,

Your response is HIGHLY inappropriate.

[Daisha]

Girlie_Hen ~

I am sure that what scottandjoc meant was no to offend birthmoms. We don't know her situation and maybe the birthmom in this situation is on drugs. Her situation sounds a lot like my sisters (who is a meth addict). And if that is the case then of course you would not want her around.

If DH and I get custody of my sister's daughter, she would absolutely not be involved because of her drug use and neglect!

Maybe you should cut scottandjoc some slack.

[Girlie_Hen]

slack cut - thanks daisha - post deleted. i appreciate the way you communicated with me.

[ahimsa]

I wanted to clarify something in my original message that may have been miscontrued. I am all for open adoption. We would have done open adoption if we had adopted privately. I love that there is contact between birthmother and children, when the adoption is the choice of the birthmother. I think it is the best for the children. The reason that I am concerned with birthmother contact is that the children were removed from her home due to substance abuse issues, including prenatal exposure to one of the children. The birthmother is now refusing drug tests and is unwilling to work toward rehabilitation. I would be the first to encourage my children to seek out their birthmother when they are 18. Foster Care does not allow open adoptions due to the fact that children are removed from the home, usually against the birthmother's wishes. I am concerned about the fact that she will know about us and the children through a network of people. I think the "birthmothers beware" warning was highly inappropriate. Girlie_hen, do you honestly feel that this birthmother should have visits with or access to information concerning us and our new family? I really don't think so and I do feel that you were very quick to judge.

[ahimsa]

I really appreciate you deleting the post. I do actually want to commend you for sticking up for the rights of birthmothers. I do agree that their rights are often overlooked. If I felt that this was a safe situation, I would absolutely encourage contact between my children and their birthmother. Who knows...maybe in the future things will change and they can have that contact.

Thanks again! :-)

[Girlie_Hen]

I think I was quick to judge too, and I'm very sorry.

[ahimsa]

Thanks Girlie_hen! No hard feelings! :-)

[crick]

ScottandJoc -

I would also talk to the sw and see what she/he recommends and also find out what kind of contact the bmom currently has with the father and/or the boys.

If her rights were terminated on the boys as well, then I would be surprised if the father is doing a lot of contact. He may just be doing calls or letters to give the bmom updates on the kids etc. If he's allowing visitation with her and she's not in a place where she should have visitation, then I would be leery too.

I think at this point, you need to find out all the information you can and go from there.

If you do decide to do visits with the siblings, then I would suggest you have the visits in a neutral location and also be up front with the father from the very beginning that you do not want the bmom to be involved and just be honest about your feelings on the situation. I wouldn't give him your address or last name just in case it slips and would take the responsibility of making the calls to him to set up the visits etc.

Until the bmom changes her life around, you have every reason not to want her to have any information regarding you and family. Sad, but it's the reality and above all, the children's safety and emotional well being come first.

Crick

[mallow]

Hi! I think it's awesome that you want to maintain contact with the sibs. I agree that you should set strong boundaries with the dad from the beginning. Make it clear that no info is to pass from him to her about you or your children. After all, in this situation it's court mandated that she have no contact. At least, I'm pretty sure you said that. I'd give the dad as little personal info as possible, too. Use a cell phone if possible to set visits and as a way for him to cancel or contact you if something comes up. Also, meet in nuetral, public locations as dl suggested.

Good luck!
Becky