[liverliver]

[liverliver]

This isn't really a reply. I just thought I should say a bit more about my situation. I am the mother of a 16 y. o. who is part of an open adoption. We became his parents when he was 5 mos. old. He is a teriffic kid. This past week I read in the paper that his birth mom's mother died. The night of the wake, I went to the funeral home to see the birth mom. She was so glad to see me and was hoping that I would come. We have had some continuing contact but it is limited by choice. After I saw her, I came home and asked our son if he wanted to go to the wake. He is very definite a bout the things he wants and doesn't want to do. In this case, he wanted to go as long as it didn't take too long. At the funeral home he met his mom's dad, and grandmother and several other biological relatives. I am full of the need to talk about this. I am very comfortable with the situation but it seems like a BIG event in our lives and I don't feel like I can talk about it too much with my husband or my son. Partly because they are male and come from a different emotional place and also because I am a bit more open about all of this. Does anyone have any thoughts??? I could use some input and perspective. Thanks

[briemar]

hi
i'm sorry this is not a reply. but i am about to adopt and one of the biggest concerns for me is when do you let the child know they are adopted. could you share with me your input and experince with this issue? thanks so much. i am 42 and my husband is 40 and this will be our first child.

[liverliver]

hi I was 40 and my husband 32 when we adopted. It was pretty scary. I have some advantage because I am a birth parent as well as an adoptive parent so my input may be in part because of my experiences.
Our son has known that he is adopted since the beginning. I am not sure that he has always understood but I believe he is ok with it. I know that he has told friends. Our adoption is an open one and for us, the experience has been positive. Because his birth parents chose adoption, I think that there has been a little less fear and concern about the permanancy. Is your adoption going to be an open one? If yes then to what degree? There is a lot of leeway in the definition of "open".

I belive that adoption should be a term used in the household and that while you don't need to tell it up front to others it is ok to share that with anyone that it feels right to do so. It will always be a fact of life for you and your child. I feel that some of the damage done is a result of people's inability to be open and honest. It does take courage and confidence and a sense of self. It has been easier for me than for my husband but I kinda live in a "no fear" place. I believe that we cannot be ready for all things and that when we are faced with a "situation" we will find a we to tend to it.

I am not sure that this helps but I am glad to be a resource.

One more thing. When I chose adoption for my birth child, it was not to a better life that I sent him but to a different life that would mean a different way of living. I think some times that both birthpartents and adoptive parents think that adoption means a BETTER life but the truth is that there may be some things "better" but it is really just a change in circumstance. No family is "perfect" or "better".

[LoveRiddenDad]

I'm not sure I understand. Unless he's upset, I'd just let things take their course or ask how he felt in general. What did he think of his bmom, bgrandmom, etc? I am sure he's handling it with maturity and understanding just from being as comfortable with adoption as you. You're a good mom; unfortunately they all overanalize and worry.

[newMafamily]

Has he talked with you about his feelings about the funeral? Or has he talked with his birth mom? Sixteen is very much an age of identity exploring. It is interesting that he chose to go. It puts him in a very different situation in relation to his mom as this is her loss probably more then his. He had the opportunity to support his birth mom and choose to do so for whatever reason.
Especially if it is one of his first funerals you might offer him the opportunity to talk about how people deal with loss in general. It seems like a really big deal to me as you offered the opportunity to make an adult decision and he did. He is growing up and as part of that growing up he may change his relationship to his birth family.

[dl]

briemar:

i am about to adopt and one of the biggest concerns for me is when do you let the child know they are adopted. could you share with me your input and experince with this issue?

My Mother said that she began telling me before I could even understand. At some point it must have "sunk in" as I have always known I was adopted but do not remember "being told". While adoption was freely discussed, it was not focused on as if it made me "different". It was simply the way I joined my family.

A thread that you may find helpful is “Insight for Aparents from an Adoptee”.
Insight for Aparents from an Adoptee

One positive story led to many positive stories being shared.

liverliver:

I think some times that both birthpartents and adoptive parents think that adoption means a BETTER life but the truth is that there may be some things "better" but it is really just a change in circumstance. No family is "perfect" or "better".

So very true, "No family is perfect" but I know in my case that the family circumstances that I grew up in were definitely "better" ~ not refering to just financially, but more of a loving, safe, stable home. The three bioHalf siblings that I met this year that were "kept" by bioMother ALL wish that they had been relinquished for adoption. They experienced sad and difficult lives that affect them to this day.

LoveRiddenDad:

Unless he's upset, I'd just let things take their course or ask how he felt in general. . .You're a good mom; unfortunately they all overanalize and worry.

I agree. Perhaps it simply does not seem like a "BIG event" to a 16 year old boy. While he has a biological connection, he simply met some adults that he had never met before. Then he went home to his parents, his friends and the life of a 16 year old which is usually centered on themselves. I wouldn't attempt to make the experience seem like a life altering experience if it didn't affect him that way. While I'm much older than 16 meeting my bioFather and bioHalf siblings did not have a big impact on me either. They are nice people, it was interesting to see some physical similarities, but I wouldn't call it a BIG event.

[liverliver]

Dear Dad and all,
Thanks for the comments. I think I am just feel ing good about the experience and wonder if it is unique. Has amyone else had a similar experience? I do think I do a pretty good job of being a mom but with a teenaged boy sometimes it is hard to tell.

I didn't write because it was a problem. It is more that I needed to talk about it and didn't feel that my husband or my son were the ones to share with.
They are great guys and I love them and they love me but I just needed something deeper than they could provide.

He meet his biomom about 4 years ago. He writes to her some and then because he's a teen focused on himself, he is inconsistant. No big deal. I do like it that overall he seems very comfortable with the situation. I.E. meeting her meeting them going to wake and coming home. He doesn't verbally share much but I can usually tell if things aren't ok. No evidence of that.

It is pretty neat to see him growing, making mature decisions and knowing that he saw that this was a one time opportunity fto be there for this event.

I really believe in not letting chances go by.

I jsut wanted to chat and get some others thoughts. still open for more input.

[Just Julie]

Teenage boys. I've had several! Basically I try to ask very few yes or no questions and more "What did you think about ...?" and "How did you feel when ...?" questions, especially over dessert when they might linger. Glad things seem to be going well.