[honu]

Hi everyone!

Maybe there have already been threads such as this, but I am still pretty new and did not find a specific heading of adopting after infertility. As I browse around and write posts I'm noticing that most (does that sound accurate?) are adopting babies and others are still trying infertility treatments. I feel like I'm in the middle somewhere with the huge desire to adopt older children after infertility and a pregnancy loss. I'm still trying to fully come to grips over not experiencing pregnancy and having a baby with my genes. I did have a huge break through recently and I'm much, much better now, but some thoughts obviously still linger, and probably always will. Like yesterday I was in Target, looking for an idea for dh's birthday, and I saw the little baby stuff. It was kind of hard, not crying spell hard, but I've got to get to the shoes and try something on hard. Anyway, I was wondering about others out there in this great big world who have been through infertility, but are now moving forward. I get pretty overwhelmed with all the posts, and would love a couple of close friends to PM or e-mail. I have no friends near me that understand any of what I've gone through in the last year, but I'm still looking, and determined to find someone that "gets it". Thanks for any insights, thoughts, humor, opinions, or comments.


ps Please no replies about me
not being ready to adopt
because I'm grieving, or whatever.
I am ready to accept a child
into our life and feel I will always
be sad to some extent over not
bearing my own child. Long story
short, I've always always wanted
to be a Mommy and had a lot of
crap to deal with up to this point.

[faithnhim]

Hi,

My husband and I are completing the homestudy process to adopt a waiting child (up to age 3) in the foster care system. Our final homestudy interview is this evening. We experienced infertility as well as a spontaneous pregnancy a couple of years ago that ended in my sixth month. Unfortunately, our daughter did not survive, but we cherish the moments we had with her. We've since gone through infertility treatments and tried to conceive naturally with no success. We made the decision to adopt the slightly older child because our hearts go out to those children who have had a difficult start in life.

For me, grieving has been a continuous cycle. I still have the occasional bad day, especially when others act like adopting is second best. I'm now at a point to where what I want most is to be a mother. Unlike infertility treatments, adoption makes motherhood a guaranteed reality. I can now throw out all of the clinic success rate statistics and focus on the day when we first meet our child. What a wonderful day it will be.

Good luck to you. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk more.

[Byngee12]

"For me, grieving has been a continuous cycle. I still have the occasional bad day, especially when others act like adopting is second best."

I am a reunited B-mom, my daughter is 22 and great. I posted and quoted from your post to let you know how powerful and wonderful your words are. Upon meeting my daughters Mom and telling her what a splendid job she did she replied "Oh it was easy, you did the hard part; you see you made the best out of what in all likelyhood given your young age was probably an accident but I on the other hand chose to adopt and that is never accidential." No need to explain why I treasure her. Tara

[bekalynn]

HI!

I'm a bit of a lurker here.

I have recently begun requesting information from agencies regarding adoption.
DH and I have been trying to conceive since March. I know that's not a looong time by many standards, but I have had some complications, been dx with PCOS and have pretty much been advised that the odds are not in our favor to conceive naturally.
I am currently taking Clomid, but so far, two cycles, no dice.
DH and I have agreed that we do NOT to pursue intrusive infertility treatments, so by March, if the clomid hasn't worked, we are moving on to adoption. The reason I am lurking here now and creating information is so that if/when march comes around, DH and I are ready to dive right in...I've already done homework! (Plus it's good for me to refocus my energy on something other than temperatures and the big O )(you ladies know which "O" I'm talking about! hahahaha )

I feel VERY fortunate that close friends and family that know our "plan" have been supportive and I have not heard one bad thing from anyway.
It's weird b/c I don't feel a sense of loss at all over the idea of never being pregnant. I do get a little sad over the idea of not seeing what my DH and I can create together, but that is about it.

I personally feel it is all very individual for all of us. Some people can and want to go through years and years of infertility treatments and pursue a bio-baby, and I wish those individuals all the luck in the world! Then there are some like me, who are willing to try mild infertility treatments (the drugs)... then there are those that are just meant to adopt! This is what makes the world go 'round!

As for good days vs. bad days...I think we ALL have them. I know I have bad days. When I do, I come on here and read all these adoption success stories and it warms my heart and makes me want to start the process RIGHT NOW! (I would if it weren't for the promise I made to DH that we'd wait it out on the clomid first!)

I think if your heart is pointing you in the direction of adoption, how can that be a bad thing??? It's a blessing!


Becky

[lisa in venice]

iI think being ready to accept a child that is not biologically related to you and resolving you inferttility CAN be related but not nessessarily. You can be ready to move on to adoption and still have "infertility moments". Some people have to exhaust all biological options before they are ready to open their hearts to adoption and other move on without a look back. One is not better or worse it is just how each of us process the loss.

Good luck on you journey.

lisa

[JulesInColorado]

Honu - I think most of us have been in your shoes. I went through infertility for 6.5 years - last year my DH and I gave it our best effort to try to make it work, went to a specialist, did clomid and injectables. What happened is that I was told I had low progesterone, supposedly and easy fix...well apparently not. Our insurance covered $7k which were thankful for but it only gave us 6 months with the specialist. We came to a cross roads and had to decide do we want to pay for $3k a month for injectables and all the treatment that goes with it (and stress for that matter) or do we want to find a way to fund adoption. Right before I went to the specialist I had a heart to heart with my DH and told him that if this does not work that I was pretty sure I wanted to move onto adoption. I started calling and getting information packets from agencys. My DH was still in the "infertility and trying" mind set. By the time that we got to the end of the line he was frustrated, I was frustrated and we both just needed some time. I stopped treatment in March 04', kept researching adoption while we were not trying anymore. Started getting serious in June about it and trying to figure out how to fund it (more expensive than I ever imagined). Then I found a local agency that I got the warm fuzzies from and we decided to sign on with them...but not before I checked references and such. We signed on with them in August...so it's just been 3 months but we were told 6 months average wait to do homestudy and be put on a list for birthmothers to view our profile and then it was up for grabs depending on birthmother needs. Right now it seems like the process is moving slow but I am trying to keep myself busy with projects around the house and creating a nursery. I feel the same as you and the other women do that I don't ever think that i will be over the "hurt" caused by the fact that I was not able to conceive.. but I somehow feel that I was meant to adopt (religion aside). It's hard to explain, but it just feels right.. And, I can totally understand what you meant about not wanting posts saying that you were not ready to move on.. I think only "you and your DH" will know what right for you..not some counselor or friend or relative I felt the same way, PLEASE don't tell me that, you have not been in my shoes.. I think a lot of ladies can relate to that as well.

I also have good days and bad days... Mostly when I hear of unwanted pregnancies or see women or young mothers in the store with babies.. just wishing it was me sort of envious..

Beckalynn - like I said above, I was were you are a year ago. In my heart I just did not feel as though Clomid/injectables were going to work but my DH wanted to give it a good try before moving on. My advice is to keep researching and asks specifics of the agencys you are looking into - like what counseling they offer bmoms (very important) before and after pg.. and for how long. What the costs to you are, what the average wait is, what classes you'll be required to take. If people are snotty to you on the phone, use your gut feeling.

Hope that helps

[leenab]

We adopted after infertility (2yrs of infertility nightmares) and chose not to go the baby route. Instead we wanted toddlers and had a 2yr 8 month old placed with us as well as a 3 1/2 yr old. In our eyes these were the perfect ages. No bottle feeding, almost out of diapers & out of diapers, more independent, talkative, and appreciate being adopted. Well at least our son Raj loves being adopted and understood it completely as much as you can at 4yrs old.

So not everyone chooses to adopt babies, but a high percentage do. I know in our training class we were the only couple who wanted a child over the age of 3 months (and there were 18 families there).

-LeenaB

[rysmom]

Honu,
I sent you a PM.
Kathi

[honu]

Wow! What a great bunch of replies, thank you everyone.

faithnhim - We too just completed our Homestudy and the SW called Monday and said it was officially approved and typed up and ready to go. We also lost a baby at almost 14 weeks. I agree with you about now wanting to be a Mother and moving on to that next stage of life. It really does feel good to know the outcome of all this will be a child and not worrying anymore about ttc and taking temps and "Did I O or didn't I O".

Byngee12 - What a great quote from the adoptive Mother about you and your daughter!

Becky - Your story sounds so much like mine. We too only tried for 1 1/2 years total and were told concieving naturally would be very unlikely, something like a 4% chance. We tried Clomid for 4 months and decided against IVF or anything else and moved on to adoption. We also looked into adoption in advance and it was good to know about it when the time came to actually start the process. I too enjoyed the distraction from temping and charting and identifying the "O", lol. I wish you luck ttc, you seem to have a great attitude about everything, so I'm sure whatever happens it will be great!

Lisa - You can be ready to move on to adoption and still have "infertility moments". Thank you for this comment, it sums it up very well.

Jules - I can totally relate to the slow process, we signed up with Cherokee Nation and it was almost 6 months to get our Homestudy started and finished. I too have been scrapbooking, decorating, reading, and whatever else I can do to pass the time. My husband and friends all say I'm doing the nesting thing, but I just think I'm keeping myself busy and sane. Thanks for understanding not making comments about not being ready to adopt, your exactly right that only we can decide what we are ready for. I know when I was ready, I had a complete change of feeling almost overnight one day. The constant crying spells decreased to a rare upsetting thought and I started sleeping better and I just had a better attitude overall. I "knew" I was ready and accepting of adoption.

LeenaB - Thanks for sharing, it's nice to know your not alone and others share your same ideas and desires.

Kathi - Thank you, I'll go read it right now.