[heidi528]

My husband and I have 4 children, ages 11-24. We love kids, and would really like to adopt an "older" child, up to age 8 or 9. School age is the best; not interested in the diaper routine, etc. We could even take siblings. We're not rich, but not exactly destitute either. We own our own home, our cars, and have room and love to spare. I have no clue where to begin. A special needs child would be ok, as long as there's nothing severe to deal with. (I own my own business, so my time is more flexible, but I do have to go in now and then!) We'd be particularly interested in a bi or multi-racial child. We are a bi-racial family. Where do I start, and how hard is this? We've talked about this for quite some time, and our younger children especially are eager for a younger sibling. Can someone tell me what to do next?

[tomandcate]

Welcome Heidi,

Since you are interested in older child and possibly special needs adoption, you might want to start with the state of Connecticut's DCF website to find out more about adoption in your state.

Cate

[DianeS]

Congratulations on making your decision!

Older children are waiting for adoption in several different places. Each of those "places" has children of different races, languages, experiences, histories of abuse/neglect/institutionalization, different procedures on how to adopt, etc. So I'll go over some basics to get you started talking about which route you'll choose to take.

There are some older children available for private adoption, just like you'd adopt an infant, but they're few and far between. People just don't usually place older children for adoption willingly very often. But they do exist (for instance, in cases where the parent has a terminal disease and does not wish family to raise the children). Fees for adopting these older children are quite similar to the fees for adopting an infant, and depend greatly on the individual agency ($5,000 to $15,000 can be average, some agencies reduce costs for older children, but not all do). All races and ethnicities are available. Keeping the child in contact with biological relatives is often possible. Information you are given about the child is usually correct. The children are usually healthy and decently cared for. The child will usually live with the adoptive parents for the state minimum time (usually 6-12 months) before the adoption is finalized.

Next is the foster care system in the United States. Each state has their own way of deciding which children will be removed from their parents, but they are similar in that all children removed will have been abused or neglected to some extent. Some slightly, some grossly. Children live with foster families while their parents work to improve their lives so the children can be returned to them. If the parents fail this attempt, the children become available for adoption. Fees for adopting these children are usually $0, but can be a few hundred dollars that would be refunded by the state after the adoption is final. Often, a monthly subsidy check is sent to the adoptive parents. All races and ethnicities are available. Keeping the child in contact with biological family is sometimes possible. Information you are given about the child may or may not be correct - a lot of "checking the facts" is up to the adoptive parents. You can have a child move in who may or may not stay with you permanently (parents are still working the case plan and may or may not succeed in getting the child back), in which case the child may live with you for years before the adoption can be finalized. OR you can wait until an already legally-free child is located, in which case the child will usually live with you for some time over the state minimum (again, usually 6-12 months) before the adoption is finalized.

And finally, there is international adoption. Children end up in their countries' orphanages or foster homes for a variety of reasons. Poverty can lead a family to voluntarially place a child in an orphanage so the child can be fed. Children can be removed from parents for abuse or neglect. Etc. Many of the children in the orphanages are NOT available for adoption, because their parents are still alive and have not signed the agreement to allow the children to be adopted yet. Children live in orphanges or foster families, or both, while waiting for parents to reclaim them or for an adoptive family to be found. Fees for adopting these children vary by country, but are rarely less than $10,000 and can be greater than $30,000. The races and ethnicities available depend on the country you've chosen. Some agencies or countries reduce the cost for these older children, but not all of them do. Keeping the child in contact with biological family is usually impossible. Information you are given about the child's medical history is usually correct, but information about the child's behaviors may or may not be correct. In most countries, you meet the child for a few hours or up to a week or so, and then the adoption is finalized.

So, some questions to consider:
How much money are you willing to spend on fees (legal fees, travel fees, country fees, etc) to adopt a child?
How much are you able to travel (in your state, in your country, anywhere in the world) to adopt a child?
How long could you remain away from home?
How much time would you like to take to get to know the child before the adoption was final?
How much risk are you willing to accept in choosing a child who may not ultimately become a legal part of your family?
How correct must the information about the child be?

And finally, do more soul-searching about special needs. Special needs can be anything from ADHD, asthma, club foot, cleft palate or other issue that is often easily dealt with all the way to mental retardation, needing a wheelchair, multiple handicaps, missing limbs, mental illness, etc. Even being "older" (as in, older than toddler age) can be labeled a special need. So can being a minority race. You may find it easier to talk about if you call them "issues" instead of "special needs". What "issues" would you be able to work with in a child? And what is your own definition of "severe"? Your own defination will be different from your caseworker's, so you'll want to hammer that out a bit more.

Feel free to ask more questions, think out loud, whatever you need to on this forum. After you've nailed down the answers to some of those questions, and ultimately decided on the type of adoption, the more specialized boards will help you more. The type of adoption you decide to do will guide your choice of agency, too, and will guide the type of books you should be reading, the groups you should check out or join, etc.

Enjoy yourself! The process can be a lot of fun, always assuming you have the patience to not pull your hair out!

[heidi528]

Wow! Quick! We would consider a child from another country, but with so many children here that need homes that option doesn't seem necessary. I'll check out the CT state site; perhaps I can get more info there. I'm sure I can, it's the red tape and hassles I want to avoid if possible. There are kids just waiting for homes - why does it have to be so difficult to give one or two that home?

[tybeemarie]

Great posts! If you are considering adopting older children, check out http://www.adoptuskids.com--that's the website the Children's Bureau, a federal agency, runs that is dedicated to the adoption of children from foster care. Also check out the North American Council on Adoptable Children. They put on a FABULOUS conference every year. Next year it's in Philadelphia. You can get information from your state's foster parent association. The Dave Thomas foundation also provides information on adopting kids from foster care. Read Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky, and Our Own by Trish Maskew.

The positive side of adopting from foster care is that you can make an incredible difference in the life of a vulnerable child, you meet other foster parents, who are a wonderful group of people--giving, resourceful, loving, hard-working, and a great sense of humor. The most positive side is the children, of course! The negative side is dealing with an unresponsive and dysfunctional bureaucracy, an uncomprehending and unsupportive general public, and a lot of heart ache. There is the heartache of the children's difficult past, the heartache of watching them battle their demons, the heartache of limited resources for kids, the heartache and confusion of the LOOOOOOOOONG time it can take to get a placement. But then, it could happen REALLY fast. It is unpredictable, and a lot is out of your control.

Most of all, this is a calling. If this is your destiny, I think you will find it deeply rewarding and enriching. Good luck! You will greatly increase your odds of success if you educate yourself as much as possible on the process and the potential challenges. This forum is a great resource for information and support!

[DianeS]

There are red tape and hassles involved no matter how you choose to adopt a child! LOL! No way to avoid it, I'm afraid. And unfortunately, the state foster system is one of the hardest to navigate - at least when compared to traditional adoption or international adoption. But it can be done - you just have to hold on to your hat and prepare for a bumpy ride!

One thing to learn about the foster care system is that children without major issues are NOT sitting around waiting for homes. They've already got homes, because a child without major issues is what everyone else wants, too. You have a bit of an edge because you're interested in a child of up to 8 or 9 years old when most people want younger, you may be able to take in a sibling group when most people want a single child, and you're most interested in a biracial child when most people want a Caucasian child. But even then, finding a child who is *waiting* isn't so easy.

You see, most judges and case workers in this country want children to have as few moves in the foster care system as possible. So when a child comes into foster care, and it looks like the family isn't going to improve enough to get the child back, the worker starts THEN to look for an adoptive home for the child - even before the parents rights have been terminated. Many, many, many children in the foster care system have moved in with the families who will adopt them even before their parents rights are legally removed. Those children are never *waiting*.

It's the children who cannot find a home before their parents rights are terminated who end up *waiting*. And unfortunately, the children who are less physically, emotionally, or behaviorally healthy are less likely to find those foster-adopt homes - which means the children who are *waiting* often do not fit the description of the type of child you are looking for.

I'm not dissing your choice of how to adopt - not at all. We're adopting from foster care, too. I just don't want you to set yourself up for disappointment, thinking there are children you could parent who are just sitting around waiting for someone to match them up with parents. It isn't like that. If you're wanting to adopt a child who is literally sitting around hoping for a family to pick him, the foster care system probably isn't the way to go. It isn't the way to go if you want to minimize bureaucracy, either. But it's certainly the way to go if you have a calling to help children in this country, or a calling to parent an abused or neglected child. You just have to get used to the *parents* waiting to be matched with a child instead of the other way around, and get used to the red tape and politics. Not a bad trade-off, if you're able to accept it.

Good luck to you!

[lisa in venice]

We have adopted special needs chidlren twice thru a private agency. There are private agencies that are licesened by the state to place these chidlren. It means that you can have the best of both worlds. You get access to the chidlren in the public system but you ge tthe personal attention of a private agency. The one down side is that sometimne with these kinds of gencies you have to pay for the homestudy up front and have the cost reimbursed after finalization.

We had far fewer hassles compared to others I know who adopted special needs chidlren and in the end we still did the adoptions at no cost after we got our reimbursment check. I found these agecies by calling the state department of children and family services or whatever it is called in your state and request a list of agencies lisenced by you state to place waiting children and to do foster-adopt. Than call everyone on the list and see if they will work with you.

Good luck
lisa

[heidi528]

Lisa, thanks! I'll give it a shot. I don't mind paying some fees, etc, but I'll be darned if I'm handing over thousands and thousands of dollars. I want to adopt, not purchase. I can't understand why state agencies charge money in the first place - adopting the child out must save a fortune vs the cost of raising the child in the system. And I'm certainly not looking for a child that comes with a monthly "stipend". I'll take health insurance if it's offered, but I'm not expecting or hoping for anything else.

[Catlover]

I agree with what I'm reading here and especially like tybeemarie's comments. It's an excellent book and the website will really open your eyes. The book is important because these children have been traumatized. It will help if you read and prepare, because chances are these children will have "issues" that perhaps weren't present in your own. You may find you have to acquire some new parenting skills to reach them - but they're so worth it and they need a forever family!

I'm adopting a 14 year old and she learned last year that she has twin bi-racial brothers! It has meant a lot to her and we're in frequent contact with the foster/adopt family. Just having visits with these boys seems to calm K down - even though they didn't live together as a family.

There ARE many, many sibling groups and racially diverse children waiting for homes. You can also look in other states.

Good luck in your search! Remember that there is a lot of experience in this forum and we're here to help each other through the process!

E.J.

[mj77]

Heidi, I know you mentioned you might be willing to accept a medical card but you are not nessisarily interested in a monthly subsidy. I know many parents who feel this way and when an issue does arrise that is over thier heads, they kick themselves for not taking it as it can be difficult to get at a later date. It is for the child, so look at it that way. The funds are available federally to the state, so it's not just the state tax payer money (it is in fact tax dollars), but the money sets there for the child.

There is also an adoption "special needs" tax credit which ever road you choose to adopt. Last year it was a $10,160 per child write off. This also helps out greatly with expenses.

We are adopting our second child through our state of OR. We have been blessed with an awesome cw who gives us personal attention and we don't feel like just a number. I hope you will have this experience too.

Take care.

[DianeS]

Apparantly you didn't know that it actually costs the same to adopt a child from the state system as it does to adopt a child privately. The ONLY difference is that when you adopt privately, the adoptive parents pay all the costs, and when you adopt from the state, its the taxpayers who pay the cost.

The lawyers cost the same, the agency costs the same, the paper-pushers cost the same, the receptionist costs the same, etc. The bulk of those costs are covered by tax dollars, and the wanna-be adoptive parents are charged a tiny bit of the cost to ensure that people who start the process of adoption intend to complete it and aren't just there wasting their time and annoying people behind them in line who really intend to adopt. People are less likely to screw around and mess up everyone else's time if it costs them 50 dollars to start the process.

There is no form of adoption where an adult is "purchasing" a child. None. In all cases it is the adult paying the fees associated with legally transferring a child from one family to another. Similar to a divorce and remarriage, usually with medical and transportation costs thrown in. You don't consider people to have purchased their child from the hospital when they give birth, pay fees, and bring the child home, and adoption is the same way. You are not purchasing a child just because you adopt, pay fees, and bring the child home.

The stipend that is given to special needs children is the CHILD's money. And in some cases you are not given a choice about receiving it. It is intended to make it so that adopting a special needs child does not put any monetary stress on the family - for instance, so that the existing children do not have to do without something just because mom and dad decided to adopt a child who needed a little extra help. That wouldn't be either fair or right, and that's one reason the subsidies are offered. Regardless of the severity of the special need, children from foster care often need counseling even if nothing else, and the subsidy can ensure that you don't have to pay out of pocket for most of those costs. It can also cover the costs associated with the lawyer you may need to make sure your child is given the assistance necessary to attend public events, if the child is pysically disabled. It can pay for the tutor if the child is learning disabled. It can pay for extra treamtent Medicaid won't cover if you were lied to about the child's behavior.

If you truly don't need the money, stick it in a savings account for the child's college expenses, his/her first house downpayment, or something like that. A lot of adoptive parents do that. A lot of children adopted from foster care appreciate having *something* come easy for them, since usually the first half of their life was difficult enough.

Good luck!

[mj77]

Well said Diane. The attorney we worked with was one of the states venor attorneys though. I know it was cheaper than us hiring our own--at least I believe it was. Our attorney recieved at total of $450 to process our adoption and was at the court with us for the ceremony. I thought attorneys usually cost more that that do do this.

[Catlover]

I agree with what I'm seeing about the stipend. I hadn't expected this and was flabbergasted when it was mentioned. When I heard "special needs" I was thinking about children with severe medical problems, not just an "older" child.

I told the cw that I would be thrilled if it covered her mental health expenses! Should those expenses taper off, I probably will put it in the "car or college" fund or for something special. I do see it as "her" money or to help us as a family. Since I don't have other children, have good income & health coverage (in addition to her medicaid), I expect we'll be fine. But it could build into a nice nest egg to help her set up her first apartment or buy her first home.

There have already been some expenses I didn't expect. My child has a history of running away when she feels overwhelmed. So I had to install a home security system - primarily to keep her IN. I hadn't expected to have to spend that.

So you just never know what may come up.

[grace2]

You could go through your state's Department of Children's Services, they could really help. You will need to get your foster care license. You may find some helpful information on the homestudy on the thread called "homestudy advice."
Good luck!