[Katrinad]

You can probably tell from all my posts today that I am having a day of turmoil, doubt and desolation.

I am not infertile, I have three sons. As most of you probably know I long for a daughter. We had a setback yesterday, and now I am wondering if the all the hurdles of adoption will ever end. I keep wondering what my biological daughter would look like. I broke down at dinner just now, gazing at my 2/12 yr old son, and wondering if his bio sister would have those same long lashes... At the same time, I always wanted to foster or adopt a child or children. It's just something that has always been a part of me, I'm sure some of you understand what I am saying. When you are infertile you have to deal with those feelings of wondering... How do you do it?
Kat

[mj77]

This might sound kind of juvinile and I don't mean for it to sound insensitive, but my dh and I have talked about features of ourself we don't like very much and would say, "can you imagine our child with my ____ and your ____" . I didn't say it is always right. We actually found peace assuming the worst. We joke around wondering if our bio-kid would be less than cute. Our boys (adopted) are beautiful and we also make comments like, "he wouldn't have gotten those beautiful eyes from me". I never assumed our bio-children would be healthy and beautiful.

[Nina24]

I can see why you might think about it, but for us it's not an issue. My DH and I both have the attitude, "What makes our genes so special? Well, nothing!" I guess that's why choosing adoption to begin our family was so easy for us. We didn't grieve the 'loss' of having a bio child. We're just so excited/anxios that we seem to each have many dreams with our future child in them. We talk about what 'munchkin'(that's what we call our future child) looked like and chuckle at how different he/she is from dream to dream. Do you ever dream about her?

But don't be too hard on yourself! Your obviously stressed and anxious. Thinks will all work out in the end. Once you hold your DD you will think she is perfect not matter what she looks like!

Hang in there,
Nina

[honu]

MJ - I completely love your attitude about this subject. I have grieved over not having bio children, and think I'm mostly over it, but sometimes it still creeps up. DH and I too have giggled about our worst attributes and what we may have passed onto a bio child. Of course every parent thinks theirs is the most beautiful, but we all have little things about us that we would like to change. Even personality traits and attitudes we may have could be passed on. Anyway, I thought I would share what DH and I did one Saturday afternoon.

We went to a restaurant/arcade place here called Dave and Buster's and they have this photo machine that takes a picture of you and your spouse seperately. It then combines the pictures to your specifications on hair color and gender and "creates" your potential child. It's really very funny and our child looked very cute and very evil at the same time. We had a good laugh and thought about how sneaky she would have been just from the look in her eyes. Some may think this was stupid, but it really helped us realize you never know what kind of child you would produce.

We have seen several children out in public and commented how much he/she looked like us when we were little. Anyone can produce a child that looks nothing like them, my nephew for instance has red hair, and his parents both have dark brown. Anyway, I appreciate grieving over what your bio child would have looked like, and I guess time and humor are the only things that have gotten me past the crying and hoping and dreaming. Now I just really look forward to meeting my future adoptive children and seeing what they look like!

[lisa in venice]

A child that looked like my dh was something I really grieved when we turned to adoption. I will even admit to being so shallow as to worry that the SW would'nt choose a child that was "cute" enough. I think it was all part of the sense of loss of control that often comes with adoption.

Well all of that went away completely when our fisrt child was placed with us. He was not exactly the most beautiful baby objectively but every square milimeter of him seemed perfect to me. I just couldn't get enough of looking at him.

My dh an I are reasonably attractive people, sort of average with a couple of good features but by pure happenstance all four kids are gorgeous (I can say that as I had nothing to do with it).
I think they are far more attractive that what dh and I would have made together. Not tat it matters once they are yours. You ca't imagine wanting a child that looks any other way.

lisa

[LisaCA]

like the other posters, dh and I usually picture a bio child combining the worst (his nose-you can park two suvs in it, my hips, my teeth with his small mouth, etc). it's not pretty. I think it's different, however if you really want a bio daughter, but i believe your feelings will change/lessen when you hold your daughter in your arms. At the moment things are stressful and emotional, but you will have joy when you gaze into your daughter's eyes and other thoughts will leave your head.

people think our daughter looks like us, which is such a joke. She is absolutely gorgeous, much more attractive than anything we could have produced.

may your wait be short,

LisaCA

[Katrinad]

Thank you all. Your understanding and lack of condemnation over the last couple of days has really helped me. I couldn't leave the site alone yesterday. Dh kept coming in and saying "how did I know you would be in here?!".

I had a good talk with may Nana this morning, she raised her niece from birth as her own, even before she met and married Grandad. Her niece was 4 when she married, and 7 before they had any of their own children. Always loved by them both, and she said she never felt any differently about any of the children. I love my Nana to bits, she always has something to say to help me sort myself out!!

There are very few adoptions in my area, but I found out yesterday that presently there is an URGENT need for foster care for newborns, both now and in the very near future (not born yet), many for long term and permanent placement. Dh and I are now considering this option as well.
Kat

[Support2Adopt]

Here's how I perceive things. We adopted four newborns and as far as I know, we could have had biological children. So, if I chose to have a bio child because I had hopes that the child might look like me, which one of my children would I have chosen not to have? I can't imagine not having may of them. :-)
JJ

[terry2ferg]

I don't know if its ever something I will stop wondering about - some days/weeks I don't think about it at all and sometimes its worse. I also grieve over the idea of our child not "inheriting" our athletic abilities, our my creative side....things like that.

But then I remember what other posters have said - a bio child could look absolutely nothing like us AND not get the traits that I would most want to pass on....or get traits I would NOT want to pass on!

And I KNOW that just b/c an adopted child does not look like me or may not want to play baseball or enjoy scrapbooking WILL NOT make me love them any less! I will love all of them for just being them, with the unconditional love that every child deserves.

I will embrace the physical appearance differences and personality differences that might be inherited from their bio family AND be amazed by all the things that our adopted child does "inherit" from us through learning and modeling what we do as parents.

-m

[spaypets]

Let's face it, DH and I have faces best seen on the radio. Our daughter is so much more beautiful than anything our gene pool could have produced. People stop us in the street, literally, and tell us how gorgeous she is.

I don't waste energy trying to figure out what I'm missing by not having a bio child. I'm grateful for the blessing that is my daughter.

[6babes]

I believe that my kids are the children that were meant for me. Whether I'd had them biologically or not, they would be the same soul with different outward appearances. Having said that, my husband and I joke alot about how lucky we are that all 6 of our children are absolutely gorgeous. I remember in our training we were all asked how we would feel if our child ended up being learning disabled or much smaller than the average in your family, or if they happened to be "homely". I remember thinking at the time, that nobody thinks that their child is ugly. The funny thing is that my oldest two children (sibs) are a different colour than me or my husband, but there are certain times that they look just like my sister did when she was little, especially when they were little and in the tub with wet hair. I also think that your children will take on your values and principals, which are more important than your looks. (Although I do like to claim that their dimples and love of music comes from me!) Everybody says that my youngest adopted daughter looks just like me and my husband and they all assume she is our bio child. I also have to say (and I hear it every day) that my kids are exceptionally beautiful, and we certainly couldn't have made beauty like that ourselves!