[michellemartin]

cross posted

I was wondering your first reaction when you hear gave my child up for adoption. My first though even though I am a birthmom is somehow uncaring. Being a birthmom I know this to be untrue, but I think other people based on the reactions I've had feel the same way about it I do. Such as the "What, you gave your child away! I could never do that" comment.

And what is your first reaction when you hear placed my child into adoption. For me it is compassion and a desire to understand. I have also in my limited experience using each of these phrases noticed that when saying it this way people tend to be more open minded and dont fear so much asking me about the adoption. I think when I say gave up they think I must not have cared and dont ask about the adoption or maybe think I am upset about the adoption, but I think they feel that I accept the adoption when I say placed into and feel more comfortable asking about it.

I dont want to offend anyone, these are just my reactions and my interpretation of the reactions of people I've told. I am curious to know if I am the only one that feels this way about these 2 very similar phrases and would like your friendly input.


__________________
Mom to Karma 4/7/98
Firstmom to Kara 5/5/04

[SchmennaLeigh]

I will reply both places.

I did not give up my child. I placed her. I may have relinquished my rights as her parent, but she will always be, if only in my heart, my daughter. Therefore, I didn't "give up" anything.

I think give up comes from old rhetoric and misunderstanding.

[kiwi]

I really hope this comes out right... Many moons ago, I would have heard "gave up for adoption" with emphasis on gave up. It sounded like a girl that gave up and in place put adoption. Like someone that tried really hard in a hard situation but couldn't sustain the pace.

"Placed into adoption" sounds much more hopeful to me; maybe because I have only heard it since my eyes have been opened to the vast world of adoption. Placed into sounds interactive, there was a decision, a follow through, you knew what was going to happen and where the end result was.

In comparing, "gave up" brings visions of spinning out of control and landing somewhere, anywhere and it happened to be adoption. "Placed into" is under control, calculated and far more confident.

I've learned to translate much better now and know to ask the same positive questions for both

[Katrinad]

From the perspective of someone hoping to adopt, and as an aware and responsible person, placed into adoption sounds loving, as though you took the care to search for the best family for your child. I can see where gave up for adoption sounds a little like abandoning. Here in NZ they call it relinquishment, which to me sounds much the same as gave up. Just looked it up in my very old dictionary (late 80's!) and it says give up, abandon, cease from, resign, surrender, which don't sound in the least bit proactive or positive!! What an awful word to use, now I really think about it.
Kat

[sugarbabysmommy]

Sorry, I get the feeling there was another thread, if alright I'll just post my thoughts here. Give up feels so negative, my child's birthmother did anything but give up on this beautiful baby. She cares with all her heart and she worked darn hard to make certain that baby's beginning and future family were all she could hope for. That's not giving up.

[michellemartin]

Yeah this was a bit of a statement I made in another thread, but didnt want to deter her thread, so made a new one. Thank you all so much for the replies so far. I see that its not just me when I hear these 2 very similar phrases.

[lonzygray]

I think it is important for people to realize that most women do not just give their child away... they give them out of love in hopes they will receive all the love, care and opportunities the bmom might otherwise not be able to give. We honestly feel that our daughter's bmom gave us the most precious gift one could ever give... We thank God for her gift of love and we thank God she had the courage and strength to do it. We know she didn't just give up her child, she gave her daughter a chance. She tried to do what she had to do to get her back from the foster care system and she just couldn't do it. I think women that give their child a new life should never have to worry about what people might think about them "giving up" or "placed into". They are strong women and should be commended... our daughter will ALWAYS be told she was given to us out of love and we will be by her side should she decide to find her bmom. While we have no contact with bmom, I pray for her often and a part of me loves her as if she were family. I admire her strength and that of any one else who has had to make the most difficult decision to give their gift of love..................God bless you all..................