[kathycasa]

I know this is totally off the subject of adoption, but I post here frequently and could really use some words of encouragement or advice. This may be a lil long, but let me try to explain.
I have always felt my MIL didn't care for me, yet until this weekend she has faked her feelings for me quite well. My dh's sisters came in from out of town for weekend visit. We went to my FIL'S house for the weekrnd and although my fil and mil are divorced, they have a good relationship, so she spent the weekend there as well. I work for my fil who is a doctor. I have been running his office for the last 8 months since dh quit to go back to school. MIL lost her job about 6 months ago and FIL hired her 2 days a week to come into the office to do his personal finances and be his personal assistant(dysfunctional, I know)> Anyway after being here only a coupla months she started making lil digs here and there about my job performance. I am the administrator and I am in charge of 7 employees and the finances for my fil's medical corporation. Anyway, I have noticed recently that she has been trying to make fil doubt my competence regarding my job. Not until this weekend did I know the extremes she would go to. She and I had a disagreement Sat. nit after she threatened to spank my 3.5 year old daughter. I ended up telling her to f@###@#@#* off. I know I should not have said it and I was sorry after I did, so I wrote her a letter asking her if we could talk about things and try to fix whatever was broken. Well, since then, she has gone off the deep end. I think she is truly bipolar! Anyway she has told my fil and both sil's how much she hates me and how I am a horrible mom, a horrible, controlling wife to her son, and an incompetent employee for fil. She has openly stated her desire to never speak to me again or my dh or my kids. I could care less. I am just having a serious problem processing these negative comments from another human being. How do you deal with such feelings of hate. Knowing that someone wants to destroy your life, and its all undeserved. Im sure you guys will have ?'s. Ask away, but Im sure others out there have dealt with unruly MIL's. I think mine is probably the worst. What do I tell my daughter about her? My son who is 15 months will not remember her, but I don't want this to negatively affect my daughter. I just don't know how to deal. Please advise!!!!Thanx, Kathy

[darnspacemonkey]

Thank Goodness I have a great MIL. That being said there are always people who are jelous of you, and want to sabotoge your happiness (and I do know one of those). How does your DH feel? If he is OK with breaking ties with MIL then that might be the best thing. If not the two of you need to discuss how to handle "visitation" with him and the kids and MIL (hopefully you don't have to be a part of it) and hopefully you are on the same page about raising children and DH can make sure nothing negative is conveyed to them. What I am worried about is your job- can you deal with this woman? Please tell me your FIL can see through her and knows you are doing a good job. That makes me want to scream- do you thionk she wants your job?
ACK!! The whole thing upsets me- I am so sorry for you!! At least in my situation I never have to deal with the person again. I wish you the best- I say a little prayer for you. Oh drat the holidays are coming up soon too.
WHY CAN"T PEOPLE JUST BE NICE?
Sorry about MIL,
Mary

[Leigh131313]

Prior to my wedding...i swear i could have written a book called "I'm marrying the son of satan" ....since we have been married things have only gotten better. It's been 8 years (10 since our relationship started) and i'd have to say things are pretty darn good between myself and my mil. So unfortunately I dont have much to tell you.... I can tell you what seemed to work for ME....things started improving dramatically when i stopped trying to please her. I basically started saying exactly how i felt about everything, and stopped trying to sugar-coat things for her benefit. I made NO appologies for what she considered my lack of housekeeping etc. and whenever a comment was made about lack of dusting or whatever, I'd just say i have better things to do then chase dust bunnies (pesky wabbits)

I really dont think this applies to you tho......it sounds like you have reached your breaking point. Has your husband stepped in on your behalf?? He really should be defending his wife against such horrible accusations.

Let us know how things are going
Leigh

[paigeturner]

Kathy,

I feel your pain! I've been married for over 20 years to a wonderful man, who has the family from hell. He is very tight with them. Years ago, I came to the conclusion that I married him, not his family and that it caused him pain for me to fight with them. As much as I wanted, needed, to be a considered a part of his family when I was younger, I finally decided that his family is HIS problem, not mine. I live by the saying "Friends...God's way of apologizing for family!" I now attend family gatherings and am cordial, but that is it. Luckily, they adore our daughters so that has never been an issue, although they have criticized my parenting skills on several occasions. I could care less.

As for your job, that's a sticky situation. I would recommend asking your FIL to lunch and talking it over with him, without openly attacking his ex. Explain to him that you love your job and that you want him to communicate with you if he has any issues with your job performance.

Good luck to you. Please keep us posted.

Paige

[spaypets]

Oh Kathy, I'm so sorry. Last January after what I'd thought was a very pleasant Christmas with my inlaws, my MIL sent a nastygram to DH telling him he needed to get a spine. THEN she misdirected an email meant for her husband to DH spewing a lot of venom about me. Apparently everything I'd done out of kindness was taken as some sort of criticism (like buying a smoked turkey for Xmas, so MIL, who is arthritic, wouldn't have to cook). I was so upset and so was DH and we were thisclose to never having any contact with them again.

BUT, I decided to take the high road for dd's sake. I apologized for offending them (even though I had done nothing offensive) and started doing nice things like making them a valentines frame with a picture of them and DD (it was tacky, but she likes tacky). It's been hard, especially since they hit us up for money AGAIN last month (I wouldn't begrudge them the money but all this happened AFTER we bailed out their idiot daughter who racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debtl).

They have been very pleasant, I suppose since we have their only grandchild and DH basically hinted that being mean to me would mean that they wouldn't get to see DD. I am dreading Xmas when we go see them but I will do my best to be nice even when we're not there for poor DH's sake because he feels torn (although his loyalty is to me).

[kathycasa]

You guys are so kind. Okay first of all my dh is very supportive of me. I have tried to please this woman for 13 years. I really thought I could have a nice relationship with her. SHE has decided that not to be the case. She has told everyone in my dh's family that she hates me and that she wants no ferthur contact with me ever!! That includes my dh and kids too. That is why this is upsetting me so much. I feel she never truly accepted my kids anyway because they were adopted. Sick, I know! But to throw them away like a dirty dish rag is more than I can handle at the present moment. I hurt sooo much for them. How innocent they are! How they do not deserve to be treated like this. As far as I am concerned she is dead to me and my family now! My fil told her she will have to do his finances from his house and she was no longer allowed in the office. Of course this fueled the flame even more and now her main agenda is to destroy my life as in her distorted world I have destroyed hers. She feels like I am in a competition with her. My fil and I have an amazingly close, pure and loving relationship. She is trying to destroy that. He assured me today that his feelings for me would never change. I believe him, but I can't help being scared at what she will do to destroy me and everything around me. I have nevr in my life dealt with such hate directed at me. I am not programmed to deal with this rejection very well. I have barely eaten a thing since Sunday. I cry on and off all day long. My emotions are off the chart. How can I heal? I know I have to be strong for my kids but this is reaally hard. Thanx for letting me vent. It means so much to me that you guys are here to listen. Kathy

[MommyofEli]

I am soooo very sorry! I thought I had it bad with my MIL. My Mil just trys to tell me how to raise my child which really makes me so mad because to hear my hubby tell it she was a mean and hateful mother that was never at home. But she has never said anything like your Mil has said or done to you. I think you are much better off with out this woman in yours or your childrens life. If she is mad at you fine but to never want to see her son or grandchildren again is over the line completly. I am sure that you Fil and the people in the family know how she is and have just learned to deal with her. They know that you are not to blame so don't worry about it. Count your blessings that you don't have to be around her. And I bet on down the road she will come around. Good Luck!

[mj77]

We moved out of state to escape my in-laws. Uhgg. I feel your pain too. Is your dh by chance the youngest? My dh is and the only son as well. OMG, I "took" her baby! Things are better now. But it did take a while.

My suggestion is to be the better adult here. She is acting childish. I would appologize for the "f" word comment to her without the "but..." I think you can say, "I'm sorry for what I said to you. When you threatened to spank..." Then take it from there. The more you hold your tongue, the worse she looks. I did that to my step-mil and it drove her nuts! But I remained blameless and she looked like the crazy person, not me.

Good luck. Remember you need to be more adult than she is.

[darnspacemonkey]

I am so glad that you are close with fil- and I am so sorry about what your mil from the seventh layer of hell has put you through. I feel sorry for your kids, but feel that in the long run they must be better off without her negativity. I am so proud of the way you are handling things.
When I had a person (not mil) try to do the same sort of thing to me I cried for days off and on too. I couldn't eat. What finally got me over it was time- and the understanding that I didn't do anything wrong. I did my best to "fix" the situation, and when that didn't wor, it took all my strength to relize that some things are just out of my control- and people will believe what they want, even if it is a lie. You will know your true friends and family. The hurt is so hard to get over, I know.
We are here for you!
Mary

[Leigh131313]

anyone ever watch south park? there's a lovely Ode to Kyle's Mom that I think may apply to your mil..... :P

Leigh

[stacyone]

Leigh: "Weeeeeeeeeellllllll........"

I had a friend whose MIL was a gardening junkie. On one of my friend's trips to visit the in-laws, her MIL got her up at, like, 6am to help her garden. My friend went along with it, in the spirit of trying to keep the peace. Her MIL prepared her a nice little spot on the far side of the garden with a trowel, kneepad, etc. Everything was great until a few hours later, when my friend started to itch... her MIL had parked her in the poison ivy. Claimed it was an accident.

[paigeturner]

Poison Ivy???

And I was royally ticked when after 18 years of marriage my MIL sent me a birthday card addressed to "Mrs. DH first name, DH last name". Suddenly I didn't exist as a individual person. Guess I should be thankful she didn't ask me to garden.

Paige

[nawlinsmom]

Just wanted to add that I saw a sign in someone's yard that read, "If the Good Die Young, then My Mother-In-Law will live Forrrrrrrrrrrever."

Not trying to downplay your pain at all, just wanted you to know that apparently you are not alone. I hope the situation only gets better from here on out. I hope she will see that with you having the support of your husband and father-in-law that she does not have a chance to win this one and hopefully she will give up. Good Luck.

[mj77]

Hehe, these mil stories are brightening my day. Kathy, I am so sorry you are enduring what you are. I hope you too can somehow find some humor in your mil's childishness.

My mil does the same thing addressing "Mrs (dh's name)" I was blessed with 2 mils, my dh's mom and step-mom. The step-mom is actually worse. They tried everything to prevent our marrige. When my dh proposed, my mil tried to take the ring back. Okay, it wont sound so bad to you when you find out it was the day before my senior year of hs. I was 17 going on 18 within weeks. My dh and I are a year apart. I was just way "too young to be marrying him" and was "preventing him from having another girlfriend" I thought that was the idea of marrige? She also wanted us to just live together and not marry. Weird. We waited until I was almost 20. (keep in mind I am leaving out a horrific story of their sabatage on our relationship). Okay, then listen to this...Well my step-mil never could forgive me for the unpardenable sin of marrying my dh. For Christmas every year as she spent time picking out thoughtful, beautiful things for my brother and sister inlaws, step bil's girlfriend of maybe weeks, I would get cheap crappy stuff. My poor dh didn't do so well either. As I wore a medium durring this time, she gave me a 3X red long sweater with sequins all over. Don't get me wrong. I believe it is the thought that counts. I would rather have not been thought of then humiliated. She also got me a pearl necklace where the pearl paint was chipped off and the gold was tarnished. She bought me these big wood earings... I watched my sils each get Kinkade framed prints and beutiful sweaters and cds, collectables. We decided not to participate in Christmas with them anymore. They of course played ingnorant to their behavior and made us look ungreatful (which we were). We moved out of the state and it has been WONDERFUL. 200 miles of peace separates us. This last Christmas they gave us a phone card to call them. They appearently haven't figured out that AT&T can run North and South on phone lines. Hey I-5 runs N & S too. We'd get an earfull for not comming up as often as we should.

Since we got our first son, a miricle has happened. They are actually civil to us. My mil has a licence plate cover on her car that hurts us (she knows it but wont remove it) it says, "Happiness is being (A_____'s) Grandma". We suggested her having something that reads, "happiness is being a grandma" but she wont hear of it because my sil bought her that frame and she believes it would be rude to her to take it off. We weren't asking her to get rid of it, but we want her to concider our son's feelings and ours. Anyway, I didn't mean to hijack the thread with my mil frustrations.

If you ever watch Everybody Loves Raymond, I feel like Debra. And Marie is the sweetest possible version of my step-mil. So thankful we aren't neighbors.

[kathycasa]

You guys have made me laugh! Thanx> I needed that. Things are still the same with me. MIL Has decided she will never have anything to do with me or my family. MY GAIN!!!!!HEEHEE!!!!! I never have to see her again!What a blessing. Thanx again. Kathy