[mumoffour]

O wrote this article to send to a magazine on parenting. I sent it to the Birth Mother in the article who felt it may have something to say to people here.
Have you ever wondered how loved a child is to be given up for adoption?

We have adopted three children and have two home grown ones too.
Our three adopted children all have special needs....well two of them do
the other is made perfect now as God called him home, his work here
completed, This child is in his true forever home.

Our two surviving adopted children were given up for adoption, because
they have specific special needs that were identified whilst they were still
tiny babies. Our son was diagnosed with Down Syndrome around 10
days of age and his parent felt overwhelmed, not only with his disabilities
but with the shock of discovering this baby they had presumed to be
perfect had indeed got some pretty major health issues and disablities.

Our Daughter was diagnosed at birth, her parents too were so shocked
they felt unable to deal with the issues, they too asked for adoption for
their daughter.

A little over four months ago we saw a baby available for adoption who
had the same genetic disorder as our now 12 year old, much loved,
adopted daughter. We immediately felt compelled to ring her social
worker and apply to adopt her.
We were told that her young parents felt they wanted someone to adopt
their child who had chosen her because of all her problems whereas they
had had no choice in the matter. We were told these parents had placed
their baby in foster care but visited her regularly and wanted to maintain
some contact face to face with her. We were really happy about this, we
wanted a baby who was going to keep in touch with her parents.
It was a long two weeks before we heard that the social services had
decided to take us on as prospective parents for this precious baby. Our
joy was always tinged with sadness as we realised how much the birth
parents still loved their daughter. We were kept informed about their
feelings and their contact and the fact that they were very involved with
all the hospital appointments and surgery dates. We felt very encouraged
about the love and devotion they had for their precious daughter, we
knew they were agonising over the best thing for their baby. Many times
we were aware they were not totally sure about the adoption but we were
always reasured again that they had decided for adoption.
For many months we went to bed thinking of them and woke up thinking
of them. We knew they were suffering but could not begin to imagine the
pain they were in with the decisions before them. We asked to be able to
meet them, we felt that if we could talk to them about our family about
our daughter, the plans we had for our future with their daughter, and
the acknoweldgment that they needed to be sure about their decisions. If
we had that opportunity maybe they would decide they could meet her
needs and take her home, maybe it would reassure them that we would
not want to cut them out of her life. Yet we were not allowed to have that
contact.

Then we had an email telling us it appeared they were giving serious
consideration to taking their daughter home. We were torn in two, part
of us was so pleased that they had realised they could meet her needs,
that they could be happy together and yet part of us hurt very deeply
that she would not be our daughter. We hoped that we may be able to
remain friends, maybe meet up one day, we felt sure that was going to be
possible. So we comforted ourselves with the knowledge that they had
made the right decision and that our much loved daughter was going to
the best possible home for her. Right then we felt a little of the pain of a
birth mother knowing we had to say goodbye before we had ever met.

One week later we had a phone call that completely stunned and shocked
us. I answered the phone and recognised the voice of the Senior Social
Worker, I steeled myself to hear that the birth parents had indeed taken
her home, I was going to rejoice for them, I was not going to cry. Nothing
could have prepared me for the words I heard. I am so sorry to have to
tell you that “baby” died this morning. I was completely without words I
could not believe what I had heard, this was wrong, this was not how it
was meant to be. How on earth were her parents and foster carer
coping?
My mind was a whirl, I needed to be at home to talk to my husband, we
needed to tell the children. But how were her birth parents coping was
my repeated thought?

Over the next week I did meet the birth Mum, we immediately knew we
were going to be friends, the things we said and thought were so similar.
We had both longed to talk to each other over the last few months and
now here we were too late to share the baby but here together and
supporting one another.
As I sat and listened to birth mum talking of her fears, her love, her
indecision, the things they had been told, the negative, negative things
they had been told. It was heartwrenching to part, to know she was
walking out into the busy bustling street and yet all alone.
The time leading up to the funeral was busy with phone calls and emails
and contact between us and the birth parents and Social Services.
Everything had changed now, the priorities were all so different, and yet
through it all we realised with growing conviction that these parents who
were contemplating giving up their precious precious child had no
thought of rejection and only thoughts of sheer love, guiding their every
thought and idea, their every decision was born of love. A desire for their
daughter to be with a family who could meet her needs and do so because
that was their choice.

The funeral was a day of sorrow, of regret, of guilt, but mostly of love,
love for this tiny little girl just poured from every heart in that chapel.
One tiny, tiny girl who had touched hearts around the world with her
smile, her eyes, her very being.
But mostly of the pain and suffering of her dear, dear parents. Oh how I
wanted to reach out and hold them both as they tried to voice their
feelings as they said their last goodbyes.

Who can possibly imagine the love that tears at the hearts of those who
offer their child for adoption.

I know that without precious birth mothers who accept and acknowledge
they cannot cope, we would probably have remained childless, we
certainly would never have had the experiences of joy, love and
achievment that our special children have brought us. We are so very
proud of each of our children, they do things every day that melt our
hearts with love and pride. Yet it is the parents who are willing to miss
those achievements whose hearts must break each birthday, mother’s
day, father’s day and all the other milestones and special days. I know on
the birthday’s of my special chilren, I think of another set of parents
somewhere who must have an ache in their hearts and a hope that their
child is happy and loved.

And so I want to say a special thank you to the birth parents of our
daughter that almost came. Thank you for allowing us a small share of
your precious child, thank you for sharing the day with us for her
goodbye and thank you for sharing of your own grief and pain with us.
Our hearts will always hold a special place for all three of you.
Hugs