[yasta]

I can't believe I am at this point in our lives. We had DS since he was 3 days old. I've always told him he was adopted, we'have many books on adoptions and watch movies that were adopted related. Every chance I got I dropped pebbles along the way.

I think when we adopted our third son 2 months ago (he was 1 day old) it really hit home!! DS got to see and meet baby J 's birth mother and how we related to each other. How adoption works must of really settle in because he is asking a lot of questions lately.

He asked me did I ever meet his birthmother? I said no (oh not so bad). Next question: Did you ever meet Jacob's birthmother, I said yes (ooh, no, now he knows he is the only one that we didn't get to meet the birthmother). However I quickly added she must have been really pretty because you are so handsome!

Now that came from nowhere but from my heart I think that did it ( for a while) because he smiled and wanted me to read them a bedtime story.

The next day while taking them to school I did add that anytime he wanted to talk about her he can and if he wanted to find her one day I would help him find her.

Was that too much too soon ? I really want my sons to be comfortable with who they are and to talk with ease about their adoption story.

DS always asks me questions but never his Dad on adoption. I wonder why. Does this happen to other people when their children only asks one parent and not the other ?

Yasta
Proud mom to three boys 9,6, and 2 months

[HBTrina]

I am responding from the viewpoint of an adoptee. I think that it is great that you are answering your son's questions. Being adopted we have a natural desire to want to know more about ourselves and where we came came.

Your 9 year old has gotten the experience of having another child come into the family. So he is wondering about himself. I keep encouraging you to answer his questions.

BTW growing up I think I only asked my mom those questions.

I hope that helps.

Trina

[Jensboys]

My older boys are 9,8 and 7 and I think your son is right now target. I think answering his questions - offerring any information you have right now too is probably wise (before adolescence angst) - do you have a picture? A letter? etc

Also, be prepared, because as he becomes aware of what adoption means. That he had another mother out there - he will begin to process the loss. My oldest son has just gone through a difficult time of grieving. Its hard on us as parents - we want to think we can protect our kids from feeling any loss because heh - they got us .

Some suggestions that have worked with my boys ... Have them write a "feeling letter" ... those feelings towards their birthmom (or even us) can vary from anger, loss, lonliness, curiousity, joy. Maybe put the letter away ... you dont have to mail it.

Get some books on adoption for preteens ... "Why was I adopted" I think is a title of one.

Also, if his birthmom requested a closed adoption or left no information all those years ago -things may have changed. She may be receptive now to sending a picture or letter or having some on going contact. It cant hurt to write a letter and ask. And more than that, if sends a message to yoru son that you truly care about his birthmother ... and therefore the parts of him that come from her.

Anyway ... having boys ... I know what you are in for Congratulations on your new baby!

[yasta]

Trina: Thank you from an adoptee perspective, I aways value experience and comments from those who had lived thru it first hand.

Jenboys: Thanks for the congrats. We are all excited about our new baby. He is truly spoiled with four people ready to pick him up at the latest wimper.

E has a letter from his birthmother, that I am holding until the appropiate time ( late teens and/or definetly by age 18). Unfortunately, his adoption is closed. All I have is her first name and background medical. I've tried over the years thru the adoption agency to open it up a little but they've lost contact with her and she has moved to another state. We almost met once when he was 2 years old but she declined at the last minute.

I like the letter idea and I will add that book to our other books on adoptions, you can never have too many. Thanks. Sometimes I leave the adoption books "laying around" in the open, so they can read it. It works other times its under the bed or the floor.

I agree its hard for us as parents because we want to protect them from any hurt. Occasionaly he has said some meanthings to his younger brother and me, never his Dad (Hmm, I still wonder why). Then he will apologize and give me and hug or kiss.

I know this is just the beginning... but I am here for the long ride whether its up or down

Yasta
mom to 3 boys 9,6 and 2 months

[kiwi]

Yasta, that is so great that you were able to be so sincerely positive!

I was adopted by my step dad and always knew but didn't know birth-dad. It was probably about that age that I started getting more curious about him too. It was comforting in teen years to look back and remember my mom telling me that it's ok to want to look for bdad and presented me with the leads she already had to let me know she really was ok with it and not just saying that. It didn't occur to me until my teens that my mom may not have really wanted me to find him due to their less than plesant break-up and cold have just been saying "I'm ok with you looking". Then I remembered that she had walked me out to the path to finding him and said "head this direction to find him and I'll walk with you as long as you like" ever since I could remember.


I always wanted to talk to my mom about things because while I liked my dad, Mom was just a little "softer" on sensitive matters as moms tend to be

[chaosjade]

I think it is so cool that you are so open with him. That you are truthful.
I get so emotional over these posts and yours touched me.
I wouldn't question why he talks to you and not his father about these things, that is just something a lot of boys do. As the other post said us mothers are more sensitive.
My little boy talks to me about lots of things he he doesn't talk to his dad about.
The things that we discuss aren't secret, I feel it's more like a bonding thing. Sometimes he really surprises me.

Just keep listening and loving him always and your adoption issues with him will soon not be so tough.

(HUGS)