[MMC66]

I have a question about finding a birthfather. Lets say all the due diligence was done and a father was never found and his rights were terminated in the courts. What if he comes back later and says he wants to parent and didn't know he even had a child. Has this happened to anyone?

Our pbfather has been named but the agency and attorneys have been unable to find him. He has 30 days after the birth of the baby to come foreward - if he doesn't his rights are terminated. Is that it forever or could he show up later. This scares me a little.

Thanks in advance for input,
Martha

[taurusgal29]

do you have a putative father registry in your state? i may be wrong, but i believe that what it was created for. if a man thinks it's possible that he fathered a child, it is his responsibility to sign up on this registry, stating that he wants to be notified of any legal goings-on involving his child. also, is your attorney running an ad in the paper notifying any potential fathers of this child to step foward? i would think that if they've tried to find him, in addtion to what i mentioned above, would be plenty of grounds to terminate his rights and that he wouldn't have much basis at all to try and regain parental rights in the future.
just my 2 cents...i may be wrong. it wouldn't be the first time

[Volfe]

It really depends on the laws in your state. For instance, in my state an adoption is contestable 6 months after finalization (only certain things would be considered). After that it is the best interest for the child to stay put (I think is the idea here).

Some of the more publicized disruptions happened due to not going by the book. I think so long as all the bases are covered nothing can happen.

If you'd like to research it go to www.adoptionlawsite.org (or .com I forget right this sec). You must sign up but they dont send you unsolicited email. In fact, I had to agree to email and the email I get from them is case law and news briefs on adoption (which I now try to stay abreast of). This is a very good site but laws are tedious reading.

I cannot settle your fears fully but I feel certain that after a year you should not worry.

Maia

[DavidKed]

I always find these posts interesting. Its like the birthfather is simply some legal barrier that needs to be overcome.

[Volfe]

Well David, That is pretty much how the laws treat birth fathers. A fairly easily gotten around obstacle.

As father's rights groups get louder, perhaps the laws will change. In the meantime, and for the most part, adoptions are truly final about a year after the finalization.

My opinion on it is moot.

[DavidKed]

Hi Volfe,

I dont really have a problem with common sense laws and there is definately a need for balance in protecting everyone involved. I also dont have a problem with discussions of adoption laws or with discussions of legal rights.

However, I take issue with the prevailing attitude towards birthfathers as being nothing but a legal barrier to overcome. They are given zero caring or respect for what they might want for their child.

I want to see someone post something like, "we searched for the birthfather to makes sure that we were following his wishes and that he would want to place the child with us as well......."

I realize that is pure fantasy.


Take care
David

[taurusgal29]

david...

i have read your posts in the past. unfortunately, i think you're the exception rather than the norm when it comes to birthfathers. you seem to be a very kind and compassionate man. in a perfect world, there would be no need to even seek out birthfathers, as he and the birthmother would be living together in peace and harmony. but, obviously, that's just not the case.
i'm sure it sometimes sounds harsh (i know i, for one, am guilty) when people talk about birthfathers. i totally see your point. a birthfather should be more than just a legal barrier that an adoptive family needs to overcome. he should be a willing participant in the adoption triad.
i understand that...but again, not all birthfathers are like that. i can only speak from experience, but our birthfather doesn't care what's best for our little girl. i won't go into lots of details, but i can tell that he's nowhere near the stand-up kind of man that you are.

[DavidKed]

Hi Taurusgal29,

I agree with your post. I realize that there are MANY bad bdad's out there and they deserve the wrath directed at them. No doubt. But, I also believe that there are many more good ones than people realize.

I just worry that the ones that might care or who might come forward and share responsibility are so pummeled by society, and told how awful they are, that they choose to run or to remain silent. It is simply not safe for them. But, this doesnt mean they dont care. They are not taught the proper responsibility in school, they face peer pressure, get bad advice from their parents, the adoption agencies and lawyers treat them as a barrier, etc.

Imagine a young boy who is contacted that a girl he was with is pregnant. The agency/lawyers pressure him to sign by telling him how great a home he will go to and that is the desire of the birthmom, his friends say "man you're lucky", and his dad tells him - "stop being such a screwup! Let that tramp give up the baby". etc., etc., etc. I wasnt "contacted" because I was close to the bmom - but I heard all these things and they affect you. It is easy to assert your rights as a man, but it is much harder to do it when you are just a boy.

Who tells him. "Yes, that is your child and your responsiblity and I will help you and support you through this. Adoption might be the best choice for your child, but you need to be involved as you are an important part of the process......."

I even think the sides that try to help the bdads are misguided. Their mantra is "know your rights!". I would rather hear them say "be responsible and become part of the decision. Support the birthmother and the baby".

I am hoping that my little voice can help change perceptions of bdads just a touch.

btw - It is my son's birthday today so I am a little wound up. Tough day.

[sugarbabysmommy]

David, We have always felt very blessed that our child's birthfather was very involved and still is. Going into adoption we were told it would be rare to get to know or even to met a birthfather.

" Who tells him. "Yes, that is your child and your responsiblity and I will help you and support you through this. Adoption might be the best choice for your child, but you need to be involved as you are an important part of the process......."

I even think the sides that try to help the bdads are misguided. Their mantra is "know your rights!". I would rather hear them say "be responsible and become part of the decision. Support the birthmother and the baby"."

Our child's birthfather was told these things. All the best to you, and keep raisng that voice. Congratulations on the first year of your son's life.

To the original poster, has a private investigator been hired to locate him? It is an expense but I'd want to know I did everything in my power to find this person. As for the legal questions, can't your own attorney answer these?

[mallow]

Martha~I'd check with my lawyer. I think the suggestions of the other posters are good for doing everything possible to locate the bdad. I wish I knew more about the laws in your state to help you. Good luck and God Bless!

David~I'd like to start by saying that from the other posts as well as your own on this thread, I'd say you are a good, decent man. That said, I'd like to respond to you from a foster and future amom's point of view. I'm sorry if you didn't have the support you needed at that major point in your life. I'm sorry if you felt pressured to terminate your parental rights, whether you now feel it was best for your son or not. However, just as you said that there are more decent bdads out there than not, the vast majority (every one I've posted with) of aparents on this site are good, caring people! They do NOT see bdads or bmoms as obstacles to get around so that they can get their kids. If you got to know us, you'd see that. If the laws make you feel that way, and I can understand why they would, help other bdads to change the laws. What you are hearing on this site, ie in this thread, is the necessity of aparents doing what they can to protect themselves AND bdads. I can understand to a certain extent how hard it must have been for you to go through with an adoption plan. Can you respect aparents enough to understand how hard it is for us to go through ANY time period not knowing if the child we love may be taken away from us or to actually go through losing that child? If not, then I respectfully suggest you stay in the section for birthparent support so that you aren't hurt by threads like this in the future and also so that your hurt doesn't cause you to be insensitive to us aparents.
In any case, good luck and I hope you find some peace!

Becky

[DavidKed]

Hi Becky,

Please don't read my comments as any sort of attack on aparents. I think aparents are wonderful people and I dont have any problems with them. Although I can never understand what an aparent has to go through, I have great empathy for their situation (and I believe that it is just as difficult to be an aparent as it is to be a birthparent). I spend a lot of time trying to know aparents - thats why I read this section LOL. Additionally, you might be interested to know that I am the first one to jump to an aparents defense when a discussion with birthparents turns towards anger. so, please dont see me as attacking as that is not what I am doing.

Also, please note that I dont have a problem with laws that protect aparents, adoptees, and birthparents. I realize that many bdads will never be found and that at some point the parental rights of the bdad must be terminated in order to put the child in a stable home.

However, the prevailing attitude of the bdad as a bad guy or as an obstacle is very real (although certainly not for all aparents). One needs to only look at the posts of this forum. Just look at sugarbabysmommy (what a great name) post in this thread and what she was told about birthfathers (btw SBM - it's cool that your child's bdad is involved) There are precious few posts where there is a concern that a child might be placed that the bdad might want to parent himself. The concern is always about the legal rights of the aparents only. I suppose that is natural as one is inclined to look out for their own needs. This doesnt mean that their arent aparents that care about the bdads or that those aparents who dont are bad people. I simply want to raise awareness. As I said above, I think the issue is societal rather than an issue with aparents.

As far as being quiet in this forum, I am always respectful and I will continue to make respecftul posts when I want to use my voice to raise awareness. I am very sensitive to the nature of threads and I try hard not to post anything that inappropriate to the topic being discussed (or I choose simply not to post). If you thought my post was disrespectul please let me know (maybe PM me) and I will be more careful next time.


Take Care
David

[katieb31323]

David - I am glad that you post and give your perspective that unfortunatly is unique here on these boards. I agree that often times birthfathers do get a bad rap and are considered an obstacle to overcome. They deserve equal respect in my humble opinion.

thank you again for speaking up!

Katie

[mallow]

David~I think it's my turn to clarify. I feel that you have every right to post here-EVERY voice should be heard as long as it remains respectful. In fact, I've learned a lot from hearing bparents' points of view here. Nicole and Brandy are 2 great examples. I wouldn't say I found your post exactly attacking or disrespectful. I guess I just felt the need to let you know that most aparents I know (granted-most of them are on this site) don't feel that way. Heck, I'll admit that I may be over-sensitive to the subject, I don't know. I'm dealing with a lot with my fson's bdad right now so that may have something to do with it. He is definetely not one of the many good ones! At any rate, I guess I did take something about your first post in this thread wrong. I can't put my finger on what it was, but I am sorry.

Becky

[79nic]

David,

You know what, you're right.

And I think probably a good bit of the blame lies with us birthmothers. We figure out what we want to do (parent or place) and then don't want to discuss it with the birthfather.

I'm thinking of Amom's recent failed match... at first the expectant mom did not want to name the bfather. We were all wondering if there was some horrible secret like date rape or something involved.

Turns out there wasn't. I'm not sure why she didn't want to name him. Eventually she did. And when the match fell through b/c the mom decided to parent, it turned out that it was the FATHER who was most respectful and kind towards the p-aparents.

This is sad. It's sad that the mom did not want to name the father, when apparently there was no reason to fear him.

On the flip side, it's often hard for us bmoms to have a good, respectful discussion with the bfathers about placing vs. parenting. While many of us feel that placing our children would be best, many of us also feel that US parenting the children is second best. The bfather parenting is generally our last choice. And in many cases, I understand why....

Take a 17 yr old girl who gets pregnant by a 19 yr boy. Girl is in high school and realizes she can't parent--she's not emotionally ready, she doesn't have the finances, no support, etc. Boy is in college. Apart from the fact that he's in college, let's say that his situation is the same in terms of support and finances.

Why on earth WOULD that girl want to place her child with the bfather?

I think that's where negative feelings about bfathers come out. A woman makes the excruciating admission to herself that she can't parent. She loves her baby, but wants to give that baby more than she is capable of. So she makes an adoption plan.... if the bfather steps forward and says he wants to parent, is it any wonder she looks at him as an obstacle? She's willing to relinquish the child to give it stability--she's not willing to relinquish her child and have it go to someone equally as unstable as herself.

I'm not saying it's right... just that I understand it.

Personally, when I think about Marie's bfather and the few discussions we had about what to do, I wish I'd been kinder to him. But the truth remains that if he'd wanted to parent Marie, I just would not have relinquished. So either way, he wouldn't have gotten his wish to parent. (Unless of course he fought me for custody and won.)

Sigh. It's all so complicated.....

David, I think you're a great voice on these forums and would once again like to say that I wish we heard more from (and about) bfathers like you.

[MMC66]

I seemed to have sparked a bit of sontroversey. I must admit - after reading some of the responses, I felt a little sheepish. from what I know of this bfather - I guess I do see him as a legal obstacle. He has a history of drug dealing among other crimes - has several children by multiple women, none of which he supports financially or otherwise. He also has a history of violence. The state where the child will be born is not considered a "best interest of the child" state. Biological parents rights are recognized first and foremost regardless of their history. That scares me.

Since I originally posted, I have learned that the pbfather will most likely not be found, he is aware we are looking for him and continues to hide, and his rights will be terminated by the courts 30 days after the baby is born.

I apologize if I offended the responsible birthfathers out there. The main reason my husband and I chose domestic adoption was that we wanted to know that this was what our baby's biological parents wanted for their child - that placing their baby in our home was a conscious choice. I would not want a child to come into my home under any other circumstances. I wish we lived in a better world - for everyones sake.

God Bless.

Martha