[taurusgal29]

Question for those who have adopted...how do you handle it when somebody (who obviously doesn't know that you've adopted) makes a comment about how your child looks like you? This has happened to me on numerous occasions...last night being the most recent. We were closing on our house and the buyer's realtor made the comment that our baby has my lips and facial structure and my husband's coloring...she said "she's such a good mix of the two of you!"
Do you go ahead and say that no, actually she's adopted and therefore can't have any of our biological features? Would that make the person who has made the comment feel stupid? Or do you just smile and nod in agreement like we did...

[riley6]

My kids all do look like they could be ours biologically. It wouldn't matter to me if they did or didn't, but people always comment that this one looks just like me or that one looks just like dh. I just smile and say thank you, I'm so flattered, since I think he/she's gorgeous!

[zebra19]

THAT USE TO HAPPEN TO MY AMOM ALL THE TIME. MY A -SISITER AND I LOOK ALIKE AND EVEN THO WE WERE 19 MTHS. APART, MY BEING TINY DIDN'T HELP. EVERYONE THOUGHT WE WERE TWINS. THAT REALLY BLEW MY AMOM'S MIND. SHE WOULD ALWAYS SAY WE WERE ADOPTED AND SOAK IN THE GLOW. IT MADE HER HAPPY WHEN PEOPLE SAID WE LOOKED LIKE OUR A PARENTS. I THINK IT DEPENDS ON THOW WELL U KNOW THE PERSON. MY SON DIED 16 YRS. AGO AND I STILL SAY 4 KIDS WHEN PEOPLE ASK HOW MANY CHILREN I HAVE. I LEAVE IT AT THAT UNLESS THE PERSON ASKING IS BECOMING CLOSER TO BEING A FRIEND. HOPE THIS HELPS.

[tomandcate]

I don't have experience with this yet, but I dream of the day someone will say this to me...

Anyway, our SW talked with us about situations like this, asked how we thought we would handle them.

She suggested that *with acquaintances or anyone we will not have an ongoing relationship* we might smile and say, "Thank you, I think she is the most beautiful little girl on earth!" or something to that effect.

Especially as your child gets older and can understand what's being said...it will just reinforce and help build your child's self esteem and sense of belonging.

Cate

[zebra19]

THAT USE TO HAPPEN TO MY AMOM ALL THE TIME. MY A -SISITER AND I LOOK ALIKE AND EVEN THO WE WERE 19 MTHS. APART, MY BEING TINY DIDN'T HELP. EVERYONE THOUGHT WE WERE TWINS. THAT REALLY BLEW MY AMOM'S MIND. SHE WOULD ALWAYS SAY WE WERE ADOPTED AND SOAK IN THE GLOW. IT MADE HER HAPPY WHEN PEOPLE SAID WE LOOKED LIKE OUR A PARENTS. I THINK IT DEPENDS ON THOW WELL U KNOW THE PERSON. MY SON DIED 16 YRS. AGO AND I STILL SAY 4 KIDS WHEN PEOPLE ASK HOW MANY CHILREN I HAVE. I LEAVE IT AT THAT UNLESS THE PERSON ASKING IS BECOMING CLOSER TO BEING A FRIEND. HOPE THIS HELPS.

[tobeafamily]

It depends on the situation. If it's a casual contact - i.e. grocery store clerk, etc. I simply say thanks.

If though we're in a discussion I usually say something like "Remarkable, huh? No biological relationship, yet we do look alike. It's proably because he looks so much like his bmom. She and I look a lot alike too. God really does put the babies where He wants them."

If they want to hear more about adoption, they'll ask from there. Otherwise, they'll usually say something like "Wow, I'd have never guessed."

Regina

[spaypets]

Well, my dd is from India and we're of European descent, so obviously we don't look alike--except a number of our friends point out similarities (she has your smile, etc.). I always say thank you.

If you feel like you need to be clearer for some reason reason, you can say "I can't take credit for the face, but I'll take credit for the smile!"

[katieb31323]

Depends on my mood and who the person is! I think it is perfectly acceptable to smile and nod.

Or I will say, "do you think so?' and change the subject.

I usually get a laugh about it. My DS "acts" so much like my hubby and people think he looks like me. He is HS/WA I am WA and MANY people have told me my DD looks like my hubby who is white/A and my DD is WA/BA. My hubby does have a lot of black hair LOL! Most just comment on her super curyly hari and want to touch it all the time.

I think people see what they want to see a lot of the time.

Katie

[zebra19]

THAT USE TO HAPPEN TO MY AMOM ALL THE TIME. MY A -SISITER AND I LOOK ALIKE AND EVEN THO WE WERE 19 MTHS. APART, MY BEING TINY DIDN'T HELP. EVERYONE THOUGHT WE WERE TWINS. THAT REALLY BLEW MY AMOM'S MIND. SHE WOULD ALWAYS SAY WE WERE ADOPTED AND SOAK IN THE GLOW. IT MADE HER HAPPY WHEN PEOPLE SAID WE LOOKED LIKE OUR A PARENTS. I THINK IT DEPENDS ON THOW WELL U KNOW THE PERSON. MY SON DIED 16 YRS. AGO AND I STILL SAY 4 KIDS WHEN PEOPLE ASK HOW MANY CHILREN I HAVE. I LEAVE IT AT THAT UNLESS THE PERSON ASKING IS BECOMING CLOSER TO BEING A FRIEND. HOPE THIS HELPS.

[TaylorKluck]

>Question for those who have adopted...how do you handle it when somebody (who obviously doesn't know that you've adopted) makes a comment about how your child looks like you?<

I agree with the posters who state that responses depend on the situation, timing and person who comments. My dd looks just like my childhood pictures and even my family, who obviously know she's adopted, comment on our similarities. With them I have to agree that she does look like I did as a child. When strangers make those comments, I smile and thank them because she does have similarities. I don't hide the fact that she's adopted at all and talk about it openly but now my dd is 6 and leads the way in terms of who she wants to tell.

If direct questions are asked about where she got her curly blonde hair, since I'm now auburn, Em tells them that she got her hair from God, so I've taken her lead and let her tell them that she's adopted if she wants to. She's pretty open and tells most of her friends and classmates all about being adopted.

I think we just have to be comfortable with the fact that adoption isn't a dirty word but it also isn't always necessary to have *adoption as the intro to every response.

[riley6]

Our kids also say that they got their specific looks "from God".

Someone here said that when people ask where she got her hair they say "it came with her head". I can't wait to use that. Of course now no one will commment on her hair!

[nugget]

Adopted adult / kid here.
People used to say that to my mom all the time. Perfect strangers!
Mom would smile look at me and say thank you. We were able t have an "inside secret" and that was nice.
All of her friends knew I was adopted so sharing it was not a problem......but with strangers? Nope.
Anyway, as the adoptee, it was nice to feel like me and mom had a little secret when those coments were made. And now even after finding my bmother who I look just like, I still have a warm fuzzy feeling in my belly when I think back to "our little secret".
We did look alike too.
Wendy

[SWGAgirl]

Being an adoptee, this has happened to me and my parents many times- even though there is truly not even a SLIGHT resemblance between me or either one of my parents. It just happened less than a year ago when my dad and I were at a large social gathering (he is 83 and I'm 43!!). We were in a big group of people and a lady said, "You just favor your father so much!"

I find it very amusing since I cannot for the life of me imagine how anyone could think we look alike. We (my dad and I) both smiled at each other and said Thank you! I think that is because we both admire and love the other very much, and we take it as a compliment because of this.

The way I look at it- there is not a necessity to say "Well I'm adopted." because it really would not accomplish anything but to put the commenter on the spot (who probably just meant well by the comment). Being adopted or not doesn't change their perception that I look like my parents- so I just let it go and say THANKS! And it does not mean that I am ashamed that I am adopted either.

Hope this helps. Peace, Liz

Adoptee-reunited with b-mom

[stillwaiting]

I just smile and say thank you.

I strongly believe the Lord has a way of bringing the perfect child to us the baby He created just for us and He has an amazing way of creating their features to look just like our spouses or us.

Sometimes our children may not even look like us but by the Grace of God they have our exact personallity. Sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes that is a bad thing.

Have you ever seen an older married couple that seem (in a funny way) to look a like?

TD

[amyway_j]

LOL . . . I have noticed that all of the people in my husband's family look like their spouses. It is so weird!

My daughter is 8 weeks old and I hear all the time how much she looks like us. Amazingly, she looks almost identical to my biological son's baby pictures (and they share the same birthday!)

The only time it bothers me is when people know she is adopted and they say things like "nobody would ever know she was adopted" or "it is a good thing she looks like you guys." Because to me it doesn't matter how she looks and I am so proud that she was adopted!

But I do agree that you don't need to clarify that your child is adopted to strangers. I have enjoyed reading this thread.

Amy