[nugget]

When I was adopted 30 + years ago my parents told me that the attorneys would do everything that they could to place babies in families that they would look like! Boy how times have changed! What is funny to me is that when my brother had his children, I didn't think that they looked like anyone in the family.
People who knew that I was adopted would say the same kind of things to my folks. " It's good that she looks like you" etc. Sometimes people just want to have something to say I guess. I know that they did not mean to be rude or anything. They just felt that the more I looked like the family the better off I would be. And I don't think it matters either way really. I might have looked like them but I still knew I was adopted!

[paigeturner]

I think people who live with each other pick up facial expressions and body language that mirrors each other. I notice that my sister's son who is adopted smiles like her, turns his head to the side like she does when he laughs and has similar hand gestures when he speaks. Although they really don't look anything alike, he reminds me of her. A true compliment.

I think its great. By the way, to comment on the post that mentions how people who have been married for a long time sometimes look like siblings... have you ever seen someone who looks just like their dog?

Paige

[nugget]

Hey!! I love that my dog looks like me!!LOL
I don't have children so why not.
But does that mean that I will have hairy children?
Just kidding!!

[LisaCA]

people say this to my dh and me all the time. Since our daughter is young (11 weeks) we have no problem saying "actually she looks like her birthmother and both are gorgeous". When our daughter gets older we'll start to be a tad more nuanced and dependent on her needs. I think what people are seeing is our similar skin tone and that's it. She looks nothing like us! (as AA we joke to each other that we all look alike). I think when our daughter grows older she will probably begin to resent these comments (esp in those teen years as you try and develop your own identity and past).

btw, people always comment that dh and I look like brother and sister. People will stop us all the time since they are intrigued and appalled that we would walk hand in hand if we're siblings:-). And again, we have nothing in common but skin tone:-).

[tlc4kidz]

We have 2 bio-sibs that are foster/adopt and 2 bio sons. One of the fcs looks like one of our sons and the other looks just like our other son. We hear it all the time, even from strangers. We just feel like God must've placed them with us for a reason! Of course they will always know about their bio-family and will have pictures of bps, but hopefully looking like their abrothers will be a positive for them as well.

[riley6]

My two adopted sons are not biologically related and when I show people pictures of my kids, they always think the two boys are siblings (bios) if they know I have adopted two sibling sets. My two youngest kids and my two biological sons all have blue eyes like their daddy. My middle kids have small hazel eyes like me. All except my youngest daughter and her daddy, have the same shade of brown hair as me (minus those straggly greys!). My second son (bio) looks nothing like me or dh. But everyone says my older a-son looks just like him. They also have the SAME goofy personality. My older son's friends all call my 3rd son "Little T" after my second son.

I agree that God leads families to the children meant to be in their family.

[DebCsMom]

As crazy as this sounds we get it sometimes as well...our children are Biracial & AA!! LOL More so with our Biracial daughter & our AA son who is very light in color. With our AA daughter who is VERY dark, if I'm alone they will ask the obvious, if she is adopted or a foster child or am I babysitting! LOL With the other 2 they will say how much they look like me or hubby. When I get the comment on how they must look like their Daddy & just smile & say,"Yes they do" Because from the pictures of their Bdad's we have, they do look like them.

If I'm alone with the kids, people just assume my hubby is AA. I don't get into the adoption part alot.

Deb

[clairesmom]

I used to get "she looks just like you" all the time when Claire was tiny, and I just said "thanks." Now (19 mos.) the problem is the opposite: I get asked why she's so tall (when I'm 5'4"), and my husband gets asked why she's so fair (he's dark-haired and a bit swarthy). I just shrug it off, but he just says "she's adopted." I agree that adoption's not a bad thing, but that doesn't mean every stranger at the store has to know, right?

We also get asked where she got her red hair. I really like "it came with her head!"

[redhedded]

Taurusgal, I agree with Paige; I think often people are really making reference to non-physical characteristics, such as gesturing, inflection, or laugh. Our daughter has a loud guttural laugh like me and an intense and discerning stare like her father, which people constantly make reference to. I am a fiery redheaded Irish gal; her father is a tall and dark straight haired Thai man, and she is a dark brown curly headed two year old.

I have, on many occasions actually, been told that she is tall and thin, "just like her mother." I just smile and say thanks.

Many of the children that I know do not necessarily look like either of their biological parents. I think asking where they got a certain physical characteristic is silly and could be construed by some as rude. Clearly we are proud of our adoption status but do not choose to discuss it with strangers. You have to find what works for you and permit your daughter when old enough, to decide how she would like to respond.

[Brat]

When we were at the hospital and I was sitting beside my daughter's bmom, I noticed how much her profile looks like my mother's. I was awash with warm feelings, like I'd known her all my life.

Now my daughter has that same facial profile. It's funny, but overall I think she looks just like her gorgeous bmom, but her bmom doesn't think so!

Anyways, when people we don't know have said our daughter looks like us, my dh and I look at each other and giggle. Surely, we'll need to come up with a more mature response before dd gets older. It just won't be, "Thanks. She's adopted."

Red: when I saw that picture of the three of you that you posted a few weeks back, I thought you all looked alike, specifically noting that the expression on Peanut's face resembled her dad's.

Just didn't want to say anything at the time for fear of offense!

[Shoshana]

i'm sure that every time someone said i looked like my mother (and my sister looked like our father) it didn't bother me - but as LisaCA said, there were occasions that it did. i think it started to upset me when i was in the later grade school & pre-teen years. it wasn't so much that the innocuous comment was made, it was what it made me think about. no, i wasn't ashamed of being adopted but i did have many questions and identity struggles. when people insisted that i looked like my mother, i used to get angry - as if they weren't seeing --me--, as if they were ignoring that i was adopted and, therefore, looked like someone else. exactly WHO i looked like was a great source of consternation for me. it wasn't so much the strangers who made the comments that bothered me, but the people who knew, and who insisted on making the 'you look like your mother comments.' sure, i knew it was meant to make my mother feel better, but it made me feel terrible.

[zebra19]

AT 43. I THINK THIS IS MY PROBLEM NOW. MY A-MOM DIED RECENTLY AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I GET THIS URGE TO SEARCH. I NEED TO KNOW WHO I LOOK LIKE. I GREW UP WITH EVERYONE SAYING HOW I LOOKED LIKE MY A-DAD AND MY A-SISTER LOOKED LIKE MY A-MOM. WHO DO I LOOK LIKE? WHAT'S WEIRD IS THAT MY A-SIS AND I CAN FOOL ANYONE ONE ON THE PHONE. WE SOUND EXACTLY ALIKE. SOMETIMES WATER IS THICKER THAN BLOOD. I MEAN, MY A-SIS AND I ARE CLOSER THAN SOME BIOLOGICAL SIBLINGS WE KNOW.

[Brat]

Elizabeth, thank you for the insight.

[Shoshana]

You're welcome, Brat.

[kronschobl]

I say 'thank you' and move on... My husband and I both know that our son has his birthmother's smile and eyes and curly brown hair -- those didn't come from us. And, yes, for those who don't know the 'how' part of our family -- we do all look somewhat alike.

But that's our son's story, not ours. When he was really small, I'd often share that he was adopted to explain the physical similarities/differences. But with him nearing 2, I find myself honoring the privacy of his story and just saying 'thank you.'