[mckenna]

i have adopted a beutiful little boy and am about to persue a private adotion for my second child. a girl at work was saying that her brother and sil have been trying to concieve for almost 10 years with no luck. another co-worker asked if they were considering adoption. she said no, then someone else asked why, she got quite and just said they did not want to adopt (i am sure she was trying to be sensitive to me). anyway, i would never want someone to adopt a child that truely did not want to, but for some reason it has been bothering me ever since she said it. have any of you had this experience and what are some reasons couples feel not being a parent would be better than adopting. i guess i can't understand because i think adoption is the best thing to ever happen to me.

[LouiseT]

this is not an easy question to answer. i don't even think there is just one answer. some people may have had a bad experience with adoption in the past. some may have misconceptions about what adoption is all about. some people are well aware of what adoption entails, and still feel it is not right for them.
everyone just has to do what they feel is best for them, and as with many other things in life, not everyone will understand their rationale.

p.s. congratulations on your son and good luck with your future adoption!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

My boss and I talked about this on our long drive back from Tucson the other day. His wife wants to adopt (she cant concieve) but he doesnt.... He doesn't want to take care of a child that isnt his... (he has children from a previous marriage). I dont understand that, but I do understand that it is ok to know your limitations and if you couldnt bond with a child that isnt yours....then better not to adopt! I think, as a birthmom, that that is why it is so important to really look at all the profiles carefully... you do not want to choose parents who are just after the title. They really should be happy with themselves!

McKenna....obviously you are one of the good ones!

[tomandcate]

Hi mckenna,

I can share my personal experiences and thoughts on why this couple might feel that "not parenting is better than adopting" (although I will say that I think you might be jumping to a conclusion that they feel that way if the co-worker didn't say that exactly).

* They are scared. Our fear kept us immobile for so long, and that fear was based completely on our lack of knowledge. Almost all we heard were stories of how hard it was, how long it would take, how we might never get a placement. We didn't know any better (even a seminar two years ago with our local county agencies underscored the difficulties), so we accepted that as reality and we thought it was easier for our hearts and lives to just continue to focus on each other and our families.

* We were scared to "lose control" of who we invite into our lives - we have such a wonderful life together, and I really feared being at the agency's or birth family's "mercy" - again, pure fear due to ignorance on our part.

* They may not be able to afford it, or at least think that they can't.

* They haven't moved past their infertility struggles. Each person accepts it in their own time - seems like for many people it takes 4-6 years, but maybe they haven't mentally and emotionally moved on yet.

* They may have experienced a negative or heartbreaking adoption situation within their own families, and this is the only example they have to go on. One of my brothers and my sister were adopted, and that has always been a positive and affirming example for us, but not everyone has that. Even with the positive vibes in our family, I still sometimes thought that it was an exception and that I would never "get that lucky."

* The husband may not be able to get past the "I need to produce an heir" part of the equation - this was true for us for awhile, and my DH still struggles with it every so often, because he is the only son in his family and "the name ends with him." Likewise, I am the only birth child in my family who still has a chance to give birth to a child (f not for infertility, that is)...in those situations it can be difficult to "let go."

* Their families may not be supportive for some reason.

The list could go on...the bottom line is that every person/couple will have their own reactions, both to considering adoption and to others who've adopted, and it is in no way a reflection of your truth...it can hurt for others not to realize how beautiful your life with your son has been, but that is their issue, not yours!

Good luck with your next adoption too!

Cate

[Shoshana]

My intellectual response is quite different from my personal response. My intellectual response is understanding of interpersonal differences, values, and beliefs - similar to the post immediately above.

My personal response comes from my adopted self, not my adoptive mom self. I know it is --personal-- and not applicable to others, but I find that whole attitude highly insulting. I feel more than a twinge of anger - probably because I interpret the 'I could never adopt' as meaning at some level that --I-- an not lovable, or that my parents didn't love me -- it accentuates the differences between biological kids and adopted kids and it ticks me off - - as if I am less than, as if I hadn't been a 'good' daughter. Then I think - ha ha -- you won't ever have the chance to have a great kid.

Now how's that for immature & self-centered ?

[dutchgirl2]

That's so interesting that you should mention that. I remember growing up and asking my mom about having babies. I will always remember her response when she told me that if she had been unable to have children of her own, she would rather not have had children at all! When I asked why, she said she just couldn't imagine raising someone elses child.

I didn't think much of it until we started struggling with infertility ourselves, and my mom gave us a sum of money with which to try IVF (it would have covered maybe one try before running out). And my husband and I made the very easy decision of putting it towards adoption instead. I wondered what my mother would think of that, in light of what she'd said years earlier. But she said it was ours to with as we pleased.

7 months later we brought our beautiful baby girl home and my mom, who I hadn't seen in 8 years (she lives halfway across the world, in Australia), hopped on a plane to meet granddaughter. She fell instantly in love with her and I didn't have to feed her or change a nappy for the next 3 weeks! Now when she phones or emails, the first thing she asks is how her grandbaby is doing.
When I told her I had been worried about her being able to bond with our daughter because of what she'd said so many years ago, she just kind of poopoo'ed what she'd said and said that wasn't the same thing, because now it concerned her own daughter and granddaughter. I don't think I'll ever get a straight answer on that one, but I'm relieved and pleased that she adores our daughter like we do.

Simone

[mckenna]

i am with shoshana, i know all the intellectual reasons why adoption is not for everyone. and i would never want a child placed in a family that did not think adoption was a wonderful way to build a family, nor am i trying to judge this particular couple. i am mostly surprised by my strong reaction to this.

but.... my selfish, self-centered side is very insulted by this.

i (to the best of my knowledge do not have fertililty issues, unless you consider no husband as an infertility problem, lol) so i have to say i cannot speak from someone who has ever even tried to have a biological child, but for some reason, i am just bothered that someone might consider my family undesireable. i know that is completly not rational on my part, but for some reason that has really been bothering me.

[ddhuab]

I know you are just curious and opening a discussion here, not passing judgement, so please don't think the following is "judgy" on you. I actually was just thinking about this myself because I have two Aunts that were married many, many years but remained part of a childless couple. One of the aunts ran a daycare service in her home, so I think she had many "kids" that she could send home at the end of the day, haha. Also, her husband had a son from a previous marriage, so I don't think she was compelled to "give him" a family.

I recently learned that my other aunt was physically abused during the early part of her marriage to my uncle, who is a recovering alcoholic. They have been married forty years now, I think.

I think there are several factors that could affect the decision to remain childless or not pusue adoption even if you were "open" to biological children.

1) The cost -- although Foster care and adopting through the state is a reasonable option, many people, I think, are not prepared to deal with foster children... and if they are not, then it is better for the children if they do not adopt through the state. And for MANY couples, I think the cost of adoption is A LOT and very prohibitive. Even with the great TAX credit, many couples in the US don't even PAY that much taxes and thus, wouldn't get that money back or would get it back over a five year period. Although many people have done independent adoption for very little (or a reasonable amount) of money, that takes a lot of legwork and self-education. Finally, even though some of you argue most adoptions don't really cost more than a new car, well, lots of people live their entire lives without EVER being able to afford a new car. I am proud of myself for cutting out luxuries and clipping coupons lately... but there are a lot of people who have to do that just to live.

2) The "blood" factor - Sadly, I think there are many people out there who honestly believe that they could not really bond with an adoptive child. And if they really believe that, then maybe THEY couldn't, so, again, that is probably best for any potential adopted children.

3) The PAPER CHASE - This is a daunting task for even us well-organized people. Also, some people may have things in their pasts -- or present -- that they do not want to deal with and discuss with a social worker, like addiction problems, criminal histories, sexual abuse or domestic violence, grave financial problems.

For all that you know, this particular couple may have looked into adopting and found that they would face a huge barrier, something they don't feel comfortable discussing with their families or something the sister doesn't feel comfortable detailing to coworkers.

4) An honest self-inventory (or self-doubt) in which they realize they are not really READY to parent. This could be for any number of reasons, including pursuing a challenging (and time-consuming) career or enjoying time with just the two of them. To be honest, this is why my husband and I went several years without dealing directly with infertility problems. Many of our well-meaning relatives seemed to think we might be "selfish" or too "materialistic" when they thought we were putting off pregnancy. Although we would have loved any children that "popped up," we feel better about the fact that we really WANT this child right now and are planning for her. I wish more FERTILE people would think about this.

5) The feeling that they weren't MEANT to be parents... sadly, I think a lot of people feel this way. If that is the reason for anyone not adopting, I hope they research more about adoption and talk to adoptive couples before closing the door on that option.

D.

[Sarah0518]

Adoption seemed a very natural step for us. We were so certain we were meant to adopt, that we almost decided not to even try biologically first. Ended up we did, and it just proved what we already felt in our hearts.

When we announced our plans to everyone, 2 of my coworkers confided in me that they had gone to great lenghts to conceive with no luck. Neither had chosen to adopt afterward.

Because adoption felt so right to us, it seems strange to go thru so much, and then to decide to remain childless rather than adopt. But I have to accept that not everyone views it the same as me.

For me never being a parent would have been the worst. For them the pain of never being able to concieve was the worst. Moving on and concentrating on each other was less "painful" than continuing to deal with the infertility issues adoption brings up.

[KatieMill]

I have a friend that is adopted. Her family is strongly pro-adoption (they also have 3 biological children). She is very scared adoption because of her fear of the bparents coming back to reclaim.

This has never been an issue in her family; however, she is a fiercely loyal mother...and when she attaches to someone, she cannot let go.

Her fear stems from constant media coverage over the "unfortunate" situations that occur in adoption that go on for years in the legal situations. (the shows on Lifetime, and such)

I'm not saying I agree with her --just offering a reason for not wanting to adopt.

I agree with the above poster--that although biology is not an issue in our family regarding "who we could love as our own"--I applaud anyone that knows their limitations and chooses not to go the adoption route.

[hisbutthead]

HI IM PRETTY NEW TO THIS FORUM, BUT I DO HAVE SOME INPUT ID LIKE TO ADD. I, MYSELF WAS ADOPTED, AND WAS MARRIED FOR SEVERAL YEARS AND WE WERE TRYING TO CONCEIVE AND NOTHING HAPPENED. I ALWAYS KNEW I WANTED A CHILD AND IT NEVER(NOT ONCE) MATTERED WHETHER OR NOT I PRODUCED THAT CHILD MYSELF . AFTER A DIVORCE AND AND FALLING IN LOVE WITH A WONDERFUL MAN, I KNOW HAVE A CHILD OF MY OWN (NATURALLY). I HAVE BEEN VERY BLESSED. I WOULD ADOPT IN A HEARTBEAT. THERE ARE SOME MANY CHILDREN WHO JUST WANT TO HAVE A HOME AND SOMEONE TO LIVE THEM.

[sfbaymom2000]

Unfortunately, I think it is human nature to be judgemental to a degree, and to feel defensive when others make choices different than our own. This happens in many areas of life and many areas of parenting. I think working moms feel judged by moms who choose to (and are able) to stay home, and I think stay-home mom's feel judged (or de-valued) sometimes by working parents. The same thing happens with the breast feeding (when possible) and bottle feeding issue. Even people who choose private schools vs. those who choose public tend to judge each other. And the same thing happens with family size. I can't tell you how many people have pressured us to have another child and told us how awful it is to have/be an only child.

On the other hand, I have to admit that when I see very large families, I sometimes question how the parents can possibly provide enough individual attention to each child. Especially when I see a family with 5 or 6 biological children (never mind those extreme examples of 10 or 11 biological children!), I think...if they love kids so much, why ddin't they adopt or foster some of them. In fact, several people's responses to our adoption plans (from foster care) have been "Oh, I always wanted to do that, but these three/four already keep me busy!" I am thinking, well, you could have had two biological and then adopted two! So I know that I have been judgemental of others, and I certainly have felt judged - mainly about having an only child (so far). I have to say that everyone has been very supportive of our adoption plans.

Anyway, I know I have rambled! Just trying to say that I think it is human nature that when someone makes a decision that is different than yours, you may take that to mean they think your choice is wrong. Don't know what to do about it, but I think it is just natural.

Have a great day!
Lynn

[79nic]

As a bmom, I spent some time, when I was pregnant with my bdaughter, thinking about what would happen if I placed my daughter, and then had secondary infertility down the road....

I grew up in a very pro-adoption sort of family, several adopted friends, and adopted cousin, my parents even started pursuing international adoption for a while.... So adoption was always seen in a very positive light in our family.

Then I got pregnant. All of sudden, the "other" side of adoption became more real. The hurt and pain and loss associated with it.

What I ended up deciding was, if I turned out to have secondary infertility, and placed Marie, I would just have to deal with it when it happened...

It never happened (fortunately), but in all the time I spent thinking about it, I had a really hard time thinking about adopting.... It's hard to explain why. I was worried about feeling resentment over having to pay adoption expenses when I'd already had a baby the easy way (biologically) and relinquished her. I was also worried about reliving my own pain through another birthmother. I was also concerned about explaining to Marie my reasons for "giving" her away and then adopting another. Lots of reasons....

So for three years, I've thought I couldn't do it, I would have remained childless if infertility occurred.

Now my feelings are starting to change.... Of course dh and I have a bio baby now, so it's not an issue... but if it ever does come up, I'm more open to it... Although I'm beginning to think I might want an older child from foster care, not a newborn.

I don't know. Guess I'm just saying that you never know people's reasons... maybe they've had a negative experience with adoption.. .who knows.

I certainly don't think adoptive families are any less bonded, "real," or "desirable" than bio families. My struggle with the idea of adopting came from my own experience as a bmom.

[spaypets]

I work with a woman who has been TTC (or at least not trying not to conceive) for a number of years. HOWEVER, they've never gone through all the testing to find out why they haven't gotten pregnant, they've talked about adopting from foster care (they don't have a lot of $), but have not yet pursued it. They'd like to have kids, but their not so motivated to out and really work for it. One day they might, but she turned 40 this year, so I'm starting to wonder if they ever will.

[LisaCA]

my two cents:

I think people are just ingnorant about a number of things (not a negative, just a statement). Folks do not know about genes, dna, and other issues, so when they think adoption they can think 1) bad seed ("you don't know what you'll get" as if "good families" guaranteed anything; 2) mental illness and behavior are solely genetically determined (only partially I suspect); assumptions about cost and the process (remember how invasive we all thought the homestudy would be? and we went to classes and read a lot:-); fear of the "psycho bmom" as one person put it ("what if she tracks you down and takes the child back?" "What if she changes her mind in a few years?" etc) and also thinking it will take forever (ours went quite quickly).

dh and I have always said that we thought we'd adopt in the future (20 years of saying this:-) and the responses we've received have been amazing. Most folks were rather negative about it, including a few who had adopted siblings. When we said that we were going to adopt, the input changed and we received mostly positive feedback. after the adoption, only my mil has made comments about the scary bmom and how she hopes "this openness doesn't come back to bite us later"-ugh. For my inlaws, blood is family and family is blood, period. We've disagreed over the years (as an anthropologist, my feeling is that family is whom you choose to include, and "blood" means nothing), but I haven't been able to change their mind. It will be interesting to see how they respond to their new granddaughter.

LisaCA