[andreal77]

i can tell yoou my experience..i am in the same position. infertile, but i could never adopt..even though my husband is adopted. my reasons are that i seen him struggle almost his whole life wondering who his birthparents were, i couldn't deal with raising and loving a child as my own, knowing in the back of his head he sought to find his "real"parents.. would feel like a stab in the back. i just couldn't deal with those emotions. i know it sounds selfish, but those are just my feelings

[redhedded]

McKenna, I have thought about this extensively over the years, as we have several friends who struggled with getting pregnant. My sister and her husband have opted to remain childless; though it is assumed that neither is infertile, and they would make great parents. They have very very busy and fulfilling professional/personal lives without a child. I respect their choice immensely.

We have other friends who longed to be parents and used every medical procedure known to conceive; most did so with success. I also respected their choice. However, my dearest friend said to me, many years ago during her fertility struggle, that she would never be able to adopt; though she had hoped to. Her husband had verbalized his certain inability to love a child that was not biologically related to him. She had always known that adoption would be our only choice for growing our family. I felt so sad for her that day. A year after our discussion, she gave birth to twins. Time, a lack of physical proximity and life changes have forever altered our relationship. Funny though, I still feel immense sadness for her, not because she did not choose a path of adoption, but because she learned something about her life partner that I know was difficult and disappointing.

Others often seemingly have an attitude of, "it's great for you but never right for me." It used to really piss me off when I would see it rear it's head in crowds of acquaintances or colleagues, never friends. Now, it never makes me angry. I sometimes feel sad for those people. I think that they do not get it; they think that a child must resemble them or that passing on their "genes" is what parenting is about. Please do not get me wrong; I am not criticizing those who have a deep urge to do so. I just do not understand the overwhelming desire to be a parent but the unwillingness to examine the goal rather than the route of getting there.

I think people are often ill informed or unaware entirely. Maybe they do not think that our love is as great or that it is reciprocated by our children. They do not think that our bond is the same as those to whom they gave birth. I think that they assume somehow, somewhere that our lives, as a family, are so different from theirs. Of course, the path is different; the circumstances vary according to our individual situations and experiences, but I do not know many people who have an identical outlook as another, sometimes even those raised in the same biological families. I have watched our friends, none of whom have adopted or have much familiarity with adoption, become certain, become aware that our family is exactly like theirs, that our bond is just as strong, that our love runs as deep. The people that we care about and surround ourselves with - get it. Those who do not probably have not spent much time expanding their minds, opening their souls and discovering much about their inner spirit and being. Hopefully through knowing you and your son they will be inclined to do so.

[BrandyHagz]

Wow, I can’t imagine personally feeling that way…but I don’t know that you’d find many people here on the forum that would.

However, I wish that every person that considers adoption would honestly evaluate their desires before pursuing an adoption. I am certainly not saying that anyone here needs to do that, but at least from my experiences, I sure wish my adoptive parents would have given it a little more thought before they jumped in feet first.

I respect anyone who can honestly say adoption is not right for them; it takes a lot of guts to admit that you can’t do it. For some people, its just not there…for me, its never been an issue.

[abbiejane]

For five years, my husband and I were unable to conceive. I didn't know why, and for some reason we both felt very comfortable with not pursuing it. We knew that there was a family for us, but not right then. It was hard to accept, but through prayer and holding on to each other, we did and got on with the other things we felt we should do.

My sister would offer advice and tell me what I should try--it was probably the same thing she had, right?

People at our church would stop me in the hallway, and tell me that they knew what was wrong with me, and offer advice. Odd, considering I didn't think there was anything wrong with me--I never discussed our infertility with anyone, not even family.

My MIL stopped my dh one night and let into him that he was denying me the right to become a mother (bless her heart for thinking I would be a good one) and he had to tell her that she'd jumped to conclusions, and we had been trying with no luck.

My SIL called to start the fertility conversation for the billionth time--she was sure that it was my dh, as that was her problem and if we would just go and get it checked out--but I stopped her. I had really had it. I told her that I was happy, and couldn't she just be happy for me being happy? I loved my life--a job that I loved, a hubby that I loved--a whole life that I loved. I didn't need to go after the kids--not just yet. I was happy the way I was and she should be happy for me. She was quiet for a moment and then she let me have it. So if my life was so great, I obviously hated her life, and her children and her being a mother. How could I respect her lifestyle and love her children if I didn't want my own right away. She hung up and we didn't speak for a year.

It was then that I realized that everyone is different, but it is possible to respect one another's choices and love one another without following them.

We realized why we'd been so inclined to wait, when our little boy came to us in the most unusual way this last year--something that would not have happened had we pursued other paths earlier on. We had done what was right for us.

You have to let them do what is right for them. I have a cousin who has adopted a little boy. He is now about five and they have been waiting for the last four years for a little girl to join their family, but they might have a long wait, as they are very specific about the child--it must be a local birth and a white, infant girl. Dh and I have often discussed that perhaps if they were willing to adopted out of state or children of other races or children that were a little older, they might not still be waiting. But, as I think about it, I wouldn't want them to have a AA child or a toddler, if that wasn't what they wanted--not fair to the child. Not right? Who's to say--they have to do what is right for them.

I just got off the phone with sis, who is telling me that now we have adopted ds, we will get pregnant--she knows a dozen or so such people--and that I need to go get started with the testing now and do what is necessary to concieive. I'm crossing my fingers that she will get fed up with me and decide to offer the silent treatment as well. :-)

[Katrinad]

What an excellent conversation. Now how about when one partner wants a child and the other doesn't. It's all about respecting each other, but at what point does one respect the other more (or less). This is a biggie!! At this point my dh is getting very wound up about the process (feels like chucking it in) while I am focused on the goal - I'm sorry, I know that sounds business like, I don't mean it to be. Typical male/female behaviour.
Kat

[Mommy2amiracle]

When we were in the homestudy process, I talked with my cousin's wife, who called to thank me for sending my Clear Plan Monitor to her. They were experiencing infertility issues. She commented about how "brave" dh and I were to adopt because don't you know that all adopted children have FAS or mental problems!! She also said that she couldn't cope with co-parenting with the birthparents. I tried to educate her, but she remained skeptical. They did overcome their issues and their son is 3 weeks older than our ds. We see them a few times a year and she has made no additional comments.

We also know a couple that has chosen to remain childless. The wife is an adoptee and they did pursue adoption, but it was in the late 70's and they waited several years. By the time they were chosen, they felt as tho they had established a childfree life and decided to keep it.

[Jenniferk]

I think the want a child for the wrong reasons. Rasing a child is not about having something that is biologically yours and your husbands. If they feel that way, they should not adopt. I hate people like that........especially when that tell me that knowing I have an adopted child!!

[parent2b]

Mckenna,

I have lurked for years and rarely post...this thread really hit home for dh and me. My SIL and brother have not been able to conceive for 8 years. Dh and I are infertile. We chose to go down the adoption road -- SIL and brother did not. It's as simple as that. I can't judge their decisions. I don't know how to explain it. It's an accepted fact in our family. My SIL regularly asks how the waiting is going, tells me about dreams she's had regarding our little one -- but their decision is just different than ours. Please don't think there's any judgement in the next couple of statements; I'm simply trying to give you a little window into their decision. My brother and SIL love each other dearly and are two of the happiest most satisfied people that I know. They truly have a gift in that whatever life deals them, they are happy. Does this mean that they are passive? Yes, but for them it works and I don't feel my family has the right to feel sorry for them since they're not "sorry" for themselves. I just offer this up as an alternative to what others have said about why people don't adopt...it doesn't mean that they're afraid of any stories they've heard or haven't faced their infertility...it's just the way that they are.

Dh and I, in a similar situation (but for totally different IF reasons) decided to pursue adoption. Dh and I feel blessed to be a part of adoption. We absolutely love all the people we have met along the way and are just so excited to be a part of the whole adoption process. We decided to adopt to build our family and the added bonus was this truly amazing feeling of belonging to a wonderful community.

I can't claim to understand why they aren't pursuing either tx for IF or adoption, but they are happy -- does it mean that they would be lesser parents because they aren't active fulltime in figuring out how to make that happen? I don't think so. It's just the way that they are -- and they're very happy content individuals.

I'm certainly not attacking anyone else's responses; I just wanted to add one more possible perspective. My best to all on this board!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Don't take things that others have decided are right for them personally. It does not involve you or your decision. Because it isn't right for them doesn't mean it is wrong for you. Some people have issues within their own realm that shape their decisions. I, for one, would never adopt because of my place as a Birthmother. That doesn't make my Birthdaughter's parents BAD. They're the most wonderful people in the world. And, facing kidney problems now, I probably CANNOT have children. But it's not right for me.

Keep your head high. You're a wonderful mother.