[Tiya]

I am having a really bad to today. We adopted a sibling set Now ASis 10 and AD is 11 in 2003. At the beginning of this summer we found out our AD was sexually assaulting our AS. We just got her placed into a RTC that helps sexually abused children and children that have attachement difficulties. I am having a hard time today because we have to go to court on Thursday and admit that we have neglected them (only because that is the only way to get Federal Funding to help pay for the RTC). My husband and I have given our children only everything that they need and want from day one and now to think we have to admit to something that we have not done is killing me. Also the Daughter we thought we had is totally different. I am having a hard time thinking about seeing her and dealing with her lieing and her two personalities is really bad too. Any words of wisdom?

[mommy2savanna]

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, maybe someone else who has experience in this area will, but I do want you to know that you and your family will be in my prayers tonight.

Ruth

[tomandcate]

Same here Tiya, I wish I had words of wisdom but hopefully our prayers will help.

Cate

[Linny]

Tiya:
We have placed an adopted son into residential. He will age out there, and it is agreed by the professionals, that he cannot be out on his own left to his own devices.

Have you talked to an attorney about admitting this???? Is the judge already aware of the circumstances ahead of time? I ask this, because we were able to have him placed, w/o having to go to court....OR without the CYS being involved at all.

It IS difficult to deal with these kids. IMO......many do NOT get better...and the key is that THEY must want to get better. Some may disagree....but our son spent four years in our home before leaving. It was one of the saddest and happiest days of our lives to see him go. He continues to show no improvement...and any affection we had for him, has gone. It was doubly hard to live with a 'child' who would have killed our other children.

Please feel free to pm me about this. This is NOT how adoption is supposed to be; yet it is NOT that uncommon to be in the position your family is in now. Please seek out an adoption support group as well as a good therapist. These two steps were monumental in the healing of our family...and myself. I felt like an utter failure; guilty to feel so good to have him gone and not have to run around to protect the other kids; angered that the state deliberately and unlawfully kept vital info from us previous to adoption; anger that the system failed him terribly and beyond help.
All of these emotions are normal.

Please talk to an attorney about the 'admitting to neglect'. This title, in some states, can have a horribly lasting effect to a family and individual. You shouldn't have to go this route in order to seek help for your child!!!!!!!

Most sincerely,

Linny

[mj77]

I agree with Linny! I wouldn't be so quick to admit neglect. Did you know it was happening and just pretend it was not, or was your son telling you it was happening and you didn't believe it? You don't need to answer, I am just trying to help you realize that intentionally allowing the behavior to continue and finding out about the behavior after the fact, trying to get your daughter help and protect your son are different situations.

[dadfor2]

tiya,

i also agree with linny, i wouldnt admit to neglect...it could cause some problems down the road with your child.

I think you need to talk to a lawyer and see what else you could do.

i also agree about getting a support group and therapy...this has helped our family alot.

we were adopting siblings also, two boys, they were seperated for three years in the foster care system.

to make a long story short...our older son needed more help then we could provide.

he has been hospitilized three times, RTC and group home once. He is still angry...he has alot to deal with and we didnt have the degrees and experience to know what was really going on....we just knew we were living in a war zone.

we ended up disrupting, and it has been a very hard year with alot of tears.

we still have contact, but he needed so much more then we
could give.

were still grieving the loss of our son even though we still see him alot, knowing that he isnt ours anymore is devasting.

im not saying disrupt, but your child needs more help then you can provide. and it takes a good parent to let go and let him/her get the help they desearve.

i know its hard, but sometimes we have to make hard choices for our children

his brother here, is doing better, no more being quiet and being a shadow on the wall due to the attentiuon our older son needed.

he misses him, sure, but he is doing so much better.

but i wouldnt admit neglect, there has to be another way...im not sure what the other way is, but i wouldnt jump to the neglect part until you talk someone

dadfor2

[Tiya]

I know we, hubby and I, made the right choice with having our daughter leave the house for awhile. I just hope that the RTC sees what we see and they can help her realize that there are people that love her and how to love back. Today though I am having another really hard day. It goes from ok to really bad really quick.

We have tried to find an attorney and am finding it hard to find someone that has time.. The judge does know the reason we have to say this and it is stated in the court papers that "this is by all means not the parents fault or choice". I am hopeful that this be looked at at a later time if need be. I am really unhappy with the way DHS has handled this and the way they have taken their sweet time to help get us the help. It took four months from the time we found out to the time to start our daughter into therapy that is correct for her.

Our son is doing alot better... I guess. He has been in therapy since about two weeks after this was found out. He has been acting out in other ways now though. The lieing and stealing is driving me nuts. He is ADHD and has decided that he needs a candy bar or two or three in the morning. So no wonder why his teacher in having a hard time in the morning. I thought it was because of everyhting that he is dealing with but it is the sugar rush he has put into himself earlier. We are actually getting him on meds for anxiety today and that will help in one aspect of his life.

As far as getting help for ,hubby and I we are going to a support group that deals with sexaully abused children adn sibling incest. It helps alittle, but not alot. All of the other families are dealing with Bio kids and I feel as though I really don't belong there. It has shown us we are not the only ones out there and that the Social Services here is really slow with everyone not just us. So I guess that helps a bit too.

I am having a real hard time just going day to day without being mad at the system at their bio parents (which are in prison), at myself for not asking more questions, at the world for letting this happen to our family. All we wanted was to expand our family and have a great family. I didn;t adopt to have people say what a wonderful thing we are doing for kids like this. I did it to share the world of parenthood with my husband.

Well enough from me thanks for letting me vent.

[Catlover]

I haven't gone through what you're going through and I'm pretty new to all this. But I will be thinking about you and praying for your family.

I'm in the process of adopting a 14 year old and have done and continue to do lots of reading. No one could tell me for sure if my daughter was capable of attaching, so I knew she might be RAD. Sexual abuse was a possibility, but not documented. She had boundary issues, so they were quite happy to place her with a single mother. She's currently in a therapeutic residence and finally getting the comprehensive therapy she's needed for a long time.

If you haven't read Nancy Thomas's books, you might want to consider it. Others in this forum can provide website. Her methods can seem extreme, but she appears to have a phenominal success rate with kids others have given up on.

My thought was that anything I could do to "therapeutically parent" could only aid what the professionals are doing in regular therapy for my daughter.

There are also therapists that do attachment workshops and counseling that can help a lot.

Family therapy could be really helpful for you.

None of this will be easy. But the right team of professionals can make a huge difference.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

E.J.

[Linny]

Tiya:
'I am having a real hard time just going day to day without being mad at the system at their bio parents (which are in prison), at myself for not asking more questions, at the world for letting this happen to our family. All we wanted was to expand our family and have a great family. I didn;t adopt to have people say what a wonderful thing we are doing for kids like this. I did it to share the world of parenthood with my husband.' --Tiya

I could have written those very words a few years ago. I strongly suspect that you are going through some post traumatic syndrome disorder (PTSD). It is SO common for parents who have been through the 'muck' with these kids! I denied it for months before I realized I wasnt' thinking too clearly, and started having panic attacks (something I had NEVER had before in my life!) Point is.....you have EVERY reason to be ANGRY at the system, his bios.....but NO reason to be angry and resentful to yourself. You did the right thing. You were only trying to love another child. What happened at this point, was 'his choice'....and you can't blame yourself for his choices.
I got help through the same attachment therapist that counseled our son and our other kids when this 'son' left our home. It was tough....but, literally, I knew the day I woke up----just one day----and realized I truly wanted to make the bed...that I was getting better! To even talk to this son in residential through phone counseling, can set me on edge. I am very frightened of him, and for the safety of my other kids.
Unlike most people, we did not have to have DHS to get involved to have him placed. His works, admissions into psych hospitals and my documentation and that of others, was enough to put him where he could not harm himself or others.

But........if DHS is involved, then they should be providing some sort of 'post adoption services' to you and your family. I'd be checking this out too. Additionally, this is something that probably won't be settled quickly within your family. These children leave a lot of damage in their wake...and unfortunately, your other children and yourselves are part of it. Please be good to yourselves...try to get some counseling beyond your support group, and give yourselves time.

What our families have gone through is a nightmare, to say the least. But, with God's help, you'll survive. You've already survived living with the nightmare........eventually, you'll get beyond this. ((((( hug))))))))

Sincerely,

Linny

[joskimo]

First off I don't thik you shoudl have to "confess" to neglect you didn't inflict, contrary, I think you should be able to sue the state for wrongful adoption for not disclosing the facts to you.

that being said, I grieve for you. I've been in a similar position only it was my bio daughter hurt by my oldest nephew who had lived with us for 7 years. The aftermath is horrible, the guilt is tremendous. I love him very much and visit often, but cannot allow him in the home after he completes RTC. His younger brother had a very difficult time with all of this and acted out significantly in the last year, so much so that he is now out of the home as well and reunifiying with his mother. It's a sad situation, and many of us, although our circumstances are different, we know the pain you're going through.

My thoughts are with you.

J

[dadfor2]

like linny,

i could of said those words myself.

these kids leave a scar on the family for quite a while. i have often said that i have PTSD from living with my son.

i remember the minute he gave me the look....(the im going to meltdown in a minute look)..my heart would stop.

even if he didnt, the past issues put me over the edge.

like linny, i too have had 'panic attackes'.....too funny linny, i never knew what to call them, but mine would be driving on the highway....all of a sudden i would get these fears and start driving in the right line for fear of getting in an accident...

i blammed it on too much coffee...lol....but i wasnt drinking too much coffee....

i still get these mini 'panic attackes' on the highway....there was just so much going on in the family....that i think thats what it was or is.

as for my younger son, in therapy, just the other day, he said that he missses his brother, but he feels safer without him there.....

so i feel that we did what we had to do...the anger, the self doubt, the sadness is all still there......but when i see how my other son is doing, i guess the decision was the best for both kids.

hang in there...i know its hard, but it does get easier. we werent disclosed everything about our kids either, i found out when the lawyer by accident left our kids legal record behind and i read it.

there was so much in their at the court hearings, and the abuse that they sustained, and im angry that we werent aware of everything.

i feel adoptive parents, and foster parents need to know everything in order to help their child heal...

someone on here told me once...which i loved.

"ITs not that we didnt do enough, its that others did too much"

dadfor2

[Catlover]

I think the agency was as open with me as they could be. They openly admitted there were things they suspected, but that hadn't been documented. Having trained in journalism, I asked a LOT of questions. I didn't want any surprises if I could help it. I couldn't put together the right team to help me if I didn't know about something.

At the staffing meeting, they really tried to scare me away. They knew it would take someone very determined to work with this child. The staffing took 4 1/2 hours. The adoption coordinator for our area has been doing his job over 20 years and had never been in a staffing that went that long. But he commented, "They should all be like this." We had everyone in the room who could provide input, including a former foster Mom, the child's mentor couple, case workers and supervisors from my county and the child's, both adoption coordinators, etc. We had the supervisor at the group home where she was staying come and talk to us. It was pretty comprehensive.

That said, I'm having a discouraging day. My child is in a therapeutic treatment facility and lost her home pass because of behavior. She's very good with me (although we should be past any honeymoon period by now); but she can be a terror over there. It's almost like Jekyll & Hyde. I've never seen her in a melt down. Sunday night, she was violent with staff (kicking) and she scratched up her arms. I talked to her the next day and she seemed much calmer. Not sure why she chose not to use the coping skills she's been learning to rely on. She appeared to have straightened up, but today she got in a fight with someone else, so she lost her right to go to this women's forum this weekend. It would've been great - helping girls with self-esteem.

I'm frustrated. She has to do the work. We have family therapy tomorrow, so maybe more information will be forthcoming.

EJ