[themissus]

I was wondering how to explain to our young nieces (5 and 2) that we have a baby and I obviously wasn't pregnant? My 3 year old niece won't care, but my 5 year old niece is very aware and (since she has a 3 month old brother) KNOWS that babies must grow in mom's tummy before they come. I don't want to explain adoption to her, but I know she'll ask. I want her mom and dad to tell her but know they won't, and I don't want to lie. To lie to her would feel like I was reverting to the "adoption is something to be ashamed of" feeling that society has finally rid itself of. And what do I do if my SIL says something like "you just didn't notice how big her tummy was"? Smile and nod?

[riley6]

I'm a big believer in the truth! You can't go wrong and you never have to admit to lieing.

"I wasn't able to have a baby grow in my belly, but I wanted to be a mommy. Another lady wasn't ready to be a mommy, but she had a baby growing in her belly. After she had her baby, she chose me to be her baby's mommy."

[Happy2Bhere]

HI!
My nephews were 2, 4 & 6 when I adopted my daughter. They were excited, and wanted a cousin to play with. They are all boys, and this was a girl, so they were excited about that. They asked why I couldn't have a baby the way their mommy did- I said my tummy was a little broke, and that this baby was born, and her mom couldn't afford diapers or formula, so she asked if I wanted to be her mom. They accepted that easily, and at first said "She's adopted". Now, they don't say anything about it. I plan to refresh them now & then, and of course my daughter will always know.
Kids are so smart, so young, they "get it" with an easy explanation.
Best wishes!
Melissa

[JenCo]

My niece was 3 1/2 and my nephew 5 1/2 when dd was born. Here is what I have always told them. Sometimes people have a baby and, although they love the baby, they aren't ready to be
parents yet. And because they love the baby so much they want him/her to
have the very best parents possible...so they place them for adoption with people who ARE ready to be parents.

Families are formed in all different
ways...some people are born into families, some people are adopted into
families, some people marry into families...it doesn't matter how you got
there, what matters is that you were loved and chosen to be in that family.
And no matter how you got there, you are loved just the same.

Jennifer

[mommy2savanna]

When I was asked that question, I explain that I didn't carry the baby under my heart but in my heart. Then went on to say that our baby's first Mom picked us to be the parents to her child because she couldn't but she loves the baby very much.

Honesty is important to children regardless of their age.

Ruth

[mj77]

I would wait until she asks before telling her. If she should ask her parents instead, I would suggest to them what to tell her and I think JenCo stated it well:

"Families are formed in all different
ways...some people are born into families, some people are adopted into
families, some people marry into families...it doesn't matter how you got
there, what matters is that you were loved and chosen to be in that family.
And no matter how you got there, you are loved just the same."

[spaypets]

Why _wouldn't_ you want to explain about adoption?

When I announced our impending adoption at work, a co-worker was so excited she told her then 4-year-old daughter. Remember, this is someone who isn't intimately involved with adoption. This is what she said.

"Sometimes a mommy is too young or poor or sick to take care of a baby, so she finds another mommy and daddy to be the baby's parents."

Her daughter asked the following:

"Why didn't you do that with me?"

My co-worker replied:
"Because I wasn't any of those things, I wasn't too young or sick or poor so I knew I could take care of you."

I think that's the easiest, simplest way to explain it. While the "in the heart" metaphore is nice for grown ups, I think kids will picture a baby coming out of someone's chest!

[BabsCanada]

Absolutely, tell them the truth in language they understand - Jenco's response is very appropriate for all kids 3 - 10 really.
We had a wide age variety when we brought out dd home - cousins and friends' kids, age 2 - 14. We told them all that although we couldn't get pregnant and have a baby, we were chosen as parents for this little baby girl. There were some questions from the older kids, along the lines of 'Why didn't her mom keep her' and we answered that question honestly too - that she couldn't be a parent and we were so thrilled to become parents.
All of these kids understood it then, still know it now, it isn't a big deal.
We were careful to say 'We adopted...' rather than "*** is adopted'. Terminology is important, even for 3 year olds!
Short, truthful answers. And I'm sure the new cousins are almost as excited as you are!
Congrats,
Babs

[BabsCanada]

Just realized, that nothing has been said about your SIL and what comments you have experienced or expect to experience?

I see her implied attitude of wanting to ignore it - have you talked to her about the best way to talk to her 2 & 5 year old?

Maybe she's really unsure about how to approach this too - you should probably make sure she knows that you intend to be honest about the adoption. It is certainly nothing to be hidden or ignored.

She might just be afraid of saying the wrong thing?

Babs

[themissus]

Thanks for all your help. I think you are right, the best thing to do first is to talk to sil about it, then when we get a baby, we can be honest.