[lacey_31]

*HI* I was needing some help from adopted parent' Iam a b-mom of twins. I placed them up for adoption becouse i was very young (15) the father was (27) . I tried my hardest but beings how my mom or family was not there to help I really did not have any choice but to try to give them a better home by doing this does not mean I dident love them becouse by all means I do I do not regreat my decion but the famliy looks down on me. But any way I went threw the dfs boy was i ever stupid! thay told me when thay turened 18 i could requst to see them .the adopted parent sent me a pic of them when thay where about 2 1/2 or 3 .
and i was told thay where being raised to know thay where adopted ! I guess what iam trying to say is thay just had there b-day sept 19 and thay 18 when i started making my calles i have been stabed in the heart the law sayes not untill 21 after al these yrs as a b-mom can another person undersatnd my hurt?How can thay do this ? I have found there names now John Michael dolezal &Jeremy Joesph Dolezal ! born 9-19-1986.plz any support and suggtion or any thang would help.
B-Mom Tammy

[magpie92154]

I am so sorry for your pain. to have waited all this time and then be hit with this....heartbreaking. i don't have much knowledge about anything you can do to change the situation but i hope others who reply will have some ideas. I just wanted you to know i will pray for you starting now!
Margaret--a grateful adoptive mom

[lacey_31]

thank you so much magiepie

[AislynA]

Im so sorry for your problem. It really sounds terrible. But this is the problem with reliquishing your rights. Its just that RELINQUISHING. Waiting may not be the worst thing. Trust me. I know .. Im adopted. And you'll probably have an easier time with the reunion if the children are older and more mature. The process is a hard thing to live thru.. youll want them to be able to process it better. Thats just my opinion.

[magpie92154]

I think the adoptee who wrote you (message above this one of mine) has a good point, about how the more mature your sons are when you do get to meet them, the better off you and they will be. I see how ambivalent, and sometimes really angry and vindictive, my 11 year old daughter's feelings are about her b/mom. I am not only concerned about how my child will be affected by/deal with meeting her birth mom--I also am concerned about how her b/mom, who I care a lot about, will be affected if my child is as snotty and reactive about it as she is right now. I am hoping that time, love, therapy, will give her more maturity and perspective. ANyway, just wanted to say that to you Hon. I am still praying for you!
Margaret--proud mother of Katherine B., proud daughter of Katherine H.
Romans 8:28

[CAV]

I agree with the previous posters. They boys have just turned 18... they are probably grappeling with newfound freedom, and impending college. They may not be emotionally mature enough to handle a reunion at this time.

When you gave them up for adoption so many years ago, the age for contact probably was 18. But in the 18 years since the law was probably changed to allow the children more time to mature. That could be a very good thing. I know more waiting may seem like torture..... but it will be woth it for a "good" reunion. The kind you have dreamed of.

Teenagers are notoriously vulnerable and sometimes angry and hurtful. Stepping on their doorstep today could be met with a cold shoulder and resentment. You could inadvertantly ruin a chance for a true reunion... one where you keep in touch, call, have visits, and get to know each other.... by rushing a teenager who simply doesn't have the life experience to understand.

But giving them a chance to get out on their own, get a little perspective on "real" life (not their high school world of proms and puppy love), perhaps even to have a child of their own so that they can truly understand what it would mean to lose them.... Well, maybe that will make them understand why you did what you had to do. And allow that bridge to be mended so you can begin an adult relationship with them.

I wish you all the best.

[littlebitjen]

lacey;

I am so sorry for your pain. I don't know the laws very well but there are other forums I can point you to where the people have more information. Feel free to email me but be sure to put your id in the subject line or I will most likely delete it thinkin it is "junk mail".

As for some of the replies, well, I am sorry that people think that way. At 18 they are old enough to fight and die for their country but probably not mature enough to know the truth about themselves and their mother? I don't think so. The more years that go by the more years they have had to make up the story themselves. There is nothing wrong with the truth and we, as adoptees, deserve to know it.

One last comment about the mother who is afraid her daughter will be "snotty" to her natural mother. Have you thought about what you wrote? Why would she be "snotty"? What does that imply about how she is feeling? Maybe she could use someone to talk to about her grief and anger.

[magpie92154]

hi jennifer. i was glad to get to read what you think as an adoptee about this situation. i feel like the more I hear from adoptees about their experiences and "takes" on situations, the more i can understand and help my 11 year old daughter. to respond to your question: you asked why i thought she would be snotty if she spoke with her birth mom at this point. well, mainly because she is very angry and sad about being rejected by her birth mom. and sometimes she "pops off" at me and her a/dad, so i think she might do the same thing to her b/mom. her b/mom had a daughter already when mine was born, and then had another one 4 years later which she kept. my girl konws about this and it is really hard for her. anyway, how she'll respond to contact with her b/mom is a moot point right now, because we are going to help her have contact w/ birth family if they are willing, but not til she's a little older. like 18. she has ADHD and early bipolar disorder and has more than enough to deal with right now. however, if she wants to write her b/mom, i have told her that's fine. she flip flops about whether she wants to do that. And to address your other question, she does talk to me a little about her feelings sometimes, but she is also in therapy with a psychologist who works with adopted kids alot & that seems to be helping her. God Bless.

[lacey_31]

Hi all
Thanks for ur all's input .
Magpie If you agree that I should wait sence the boys turned 18 and worried about there matureaty then why would you allow your doughter to her bi mother at 18?


Jen thank you I will contact u in ur e-mail.