[joanne109]

Are there adoptive parents out there whose adult children have reunited with their birth parents? I am having difficulty finding support or good reading material for the adoptive parents.

[love4]

There are a few of us adoptive parents whose child is in reunion and are struggling. Glad you posted. We can be a support to each other through our struggles. love4

[joanne109]

Hi love4,
Thanks for the reply! It's been a struggle to find other adoptive parents whose children are in reunion and to find support for our third of the triad in this process.
joanne109

[love4]

It really has been a struggle to find adoptive parents in reunion. I know they are out there because I know a couple. This is why I have posted because I know the importance of having support during this hard and trying time. We too have emotions. Our feelings are just as important. love4

[Support2Adopt]

love4,
Thank you so much responding. As an adoptive Mom, I can't even begin to imagine the heartache you have been through. I so appreciate your contributions to the board.
JJ

[jude4691]

Hi,
I'm an adoptee who has been in reunion- I think my adoptive parents found that hard. If I can add anything to the discussion, please ask.
For me it wasn't about searching because I didn't love my adoptive parents, and I certainly didn't want to cause them pain by searching- but I think I did.
Jude

[love4]

Thanks so much JJ. Thanks for your help jude. Each reunion is different. My daughter who is 29 moved in with her birthparents. I made every possible effort to include the whole triad with very little response. Even though it was very hard for me I made an effort to meet her birthparents (which I liked instantly). My worst fear happened. It has been 1 1/2 years since she moved in with them and I have healed little by little. If you have followed my posts you would see more of the story. There are many other adoptive parents out there going through something similar and I hope they find comfort in knowing they are not alone. We need a support group. Any thoughts you have will be welcomed jude.
love4

[joanne109]

Hi Jude,
Thanks for your input. My husband and I have supported our daughter's reunion and understand her need. Hers has been a positive reunion once her birth mother agreed to deal with the past. The difficulty for us has been that there is so much literature, support, and understanding for the adoptee and the birth parents and so little for the adoptive parent. The process requires us all to "chart unknown waters" and we adoptive parents need to be included and supported, too.

Our daughter does not want to hurt us either, she has had difficulty talking to us about her situation after the reunion (but not before). How have you and your parents communicated?

Thanks!
joanne109

[jude4691]

Hi joanne and love4,
From an adoptee point of view I think there can be a lot of guilt over the hurt caused to adoptive parents by a reunion. I could imagine that for some adoptees it is easier to "choose" one set of parents than face the double dose of grief experienced by birth and adoptive parents.
I was a closed adoption in the 60's and I don't think my parents ever imagined I would try to search, so it must have been a shock. Although I tried to reassure them that I loved them,and at the time only wanted to find my bmum to tell her I was OK, I think they did feel threatened. They handled it by pretending it hadn't happened and changing the subject if I mentioned it.My adoptive parents were always emotionally distant from me, and sadly my relationship with them has ended-issues I can't go in to here, and not related to reunion, but maybe they just never bonded with me.
I think all sides of the triad can have anger to deal with. Maybe adoptive parents are angry that thier happy family is under threat.Adoptees can be angry at being caught in the middle and losing what might have been. If bparents were forced into adoption there can be anger over that,and that "strangers" have had all the special moments of thier child's childhood.
I really think counselling all round, probably separately is vital. You get so caught up in the enormity of your own feelings that you have nothing to give to the other parties.
Jude

[joanne109]

Hi Jude,

Thanks for your perceptive post. I'm sorry your relationship with your adoptive parents is "over" - is there any possibility of reviving it?
My usual method of working through an issue is reading, reading, reading and counseling if needed. (And with this forum for this situation a support group!) Your paragraph describing the possible separate angers of each triad member is more "on the mark" than many of the books I've read! The "what might have been" is a big question!

joanne109

[love4]

Jude,
You mentioned guilt caused to adoptive parents because of reunion and I think my daughter feels guilty so she she soothes it by getting angry because I have emotions. According to her I am not suppose to hurt but she doesn't make much effort to let me know she cares. She abandons us for long periods of time until I feel the need to connect. I call and she won't respond for weeks. She can't see that it hurts us for her to respond as she does. She has missed many important family events such as birthdays, graduations, mother's day, father's day and can't understand why I would hurt. I was told this is not about me but about her and her birthparents healing. I met her birthparents. I liked them. I was willing for us to all be friends. No response. She told me I had her for 28 years and now it's their turn.
One would think I must have been a horrible mom but I gave my all to my girls. I loved them dearly. It hurts to think others could be thinking I was a bad mom. I worked so hard!
I am like Joanne. I work through issues by reading, and more reading. I search for support. My daughter was in therepy for years and I went with her. I put myself in her shoes and felt compassion and a deep love. Even through all this she is my girl and I love her. I tell her so. love4

[joanne109]

Love 4's story shows how much and why we adoptive parents need to support one another. In the media we are often an after thought, we are told "This is not about you", and our parenting is questioned. Let's keep our thread going!
joanne109

[jude4691]

Hi joanne,
Yes unfortunately, my relationship with my adoptive parents is over.I wish it were not the case, but at the end of the day, I have had to accept they do not love me.
Our breakdown started with a serious disagreement, and I went as far as I felt able to resolve it.I needed answers, but they were not willing to discuss the issue.What was relly hard to accept was thier total indifference towards me.If I had a fall out with one of my children I would chase after them, even be angry at them, but there seems to be no desire for a relationship from them at all.They are not seeing thier grandchildren, but that doesn't seem to be bothering them.For my sanity I've had to accept that we will probably never have a relationship again.
They've never been open with me, but my strong suspiscion is that there are other issues, not related to adoption in thier lives that have impacted thier ability to be emotionally close to me and to each other.
Anyway- I'm glad to see adoptive parents supporting each other here, and as I am adopting now,I might have to face my daughter reuniting with her birth parents.I wonder if we can keep this thread going till then!
Jude

[love4]

I am willing to be very open with my girls. My two youngest were placed with me when they were 11 and 12. They have a lot of emotions and we sit freely and talk about their birthparents. They tell me how much they love their birthparents and someday want to meet them. Next year I am planning to take my youngest to the area she grew up because she wants to see the area and where she lived. I support her need to know. I supported all my daughters. I have enough compassion to realize they had a life before here. If I could love them enough to allow them their feelings about their birthparents, could they try and have compassion for the mom who raised them and loved them through all their sad emotions? I listened and understood as much as possible because I didn't live it. My youngest is very hurt by my oldest daughter not being much a part of our lives. She can't imagine walking out on me when she finally meets her birthparents. She appreciates everything I do and shows it all the time. It helps me to feel cared about. My oldest is now 29. She is not a child anymore. She should be able to give love instead of just sucking the life out of us.
My oldest daughter is so wrapped up in her own little world of anger that she can't see that we truly, truly love her. We are still here for her and will always be. I am her mom and she is my daughter. When she lets go of all her anger at life, she will see her parents waiting for her with love and compassion. I can't let go of 29 years. I can sit back and wait.......! Give her space as hard as it may be. love4