[Dad79]

My wife and I have no children, it's my 2nd marriage and her 1st, we're mid-40s and have always wanted children, but it never worked out, we've been together 5 years and now really want to adopt a child, and it feels like a last chance.

So here we are, doing this home study, us appearing to me anyways to be above average, middle class "regular" people, no record, good health, non-smoking, college degreed, living in a good, suburban neighborhood, with decent schools. across the street from a beautiful park, with a playground and where all the kid's soccer leagues play, practically zero debt of any kind, gainfully employed professionals, good values, sometime church-goers-what more can I say?

And we're involved with this effeminate child psychologist who talk's to you like he's on Sesame Street, r-e-a-l s-l-o-w, with hand signals, like you're a 2 year old and NIT-PICKING every aspect of our feelings and beliefs and making the whole thing so drawn out! He's not in any way a "regular" person, and he's NIT-PICKING us to death as if we have to believe what he believes to be worthy parents! If kids are being raised by guys like him, I can see why the world is getting so screwed up!

Just had to vent, see what others going through this stuff think? I want to have a kid real bad, I hate sitting here thinking that Mr. Sesame Street might have the power to ruin my last chance at this.

[cr4cr]

If you aren't too far into the process yet, I would suggest dumping this agency and demanding a refund. This person you are talking about is not the norm.

[Dad79]

The thing is, we've done everything else, completed all forms, it took about two months, got all of the documents, fingerprints etc., PAID the fee to the agency, now the last part is for the social worker to comlete the study. The agency people seem nice, and they assigned this social worker after everything else was done, and they keep assuring me everything will be alright, that this guy just wants us to learn and understand some things. Fine, but if we get a bad report, I can't accept that-because WE ARE worthy and qualified to raise a child-no matter what it say's in the text books this guy reads, I've got to find out if it can be appealed or something? Maybe I'm overreacting, but this guy just gives you such a hard time and is so arrogant, condescending and unaccomodating that I don't like or trust him.

[tobeafamily]

Can you ask to be assigned another SW or ask that a more experienced SW also be on the case? You're going to be with this agency for a while, and have a lot of dealings with SWs (post placement supervision) so it's important that you feel you have a good or at least tolerable 'fit'.

Just a thought.

Regina

[Dad79]

We meet with him again in a couple of weeks, after we do our "assigned reading". If things stay this bad, I will complain with the agency, I'm giving him a chance to be reasonable and haven't yet complained to him like I'm complaining here.

But the thing that really pisses me off is when I told him to look through our profiles, all the stuff I mention in general, about us, in the 1st post, who we are, how we live etc, he said, "I know all of that, I'm not concerned with that." I hate to be this sarcastic, but he seems to me to be implying that a transvestite crack addict would be more suitable if he shared his academic, text book beliefs on child raising and adoption.

[79nic]

Are there specifics that he disagrees with?

I certainly don't think adoptive parents should have to hold all the same views as the caseworkers. But w/o knowing the specifics, I just don't know what to think.... I mean, if you mentioned that you never plan on telling a child that she's adopted, that would give me pause, too. If you said you were going to discipline your kids with a good old-fashioned whipping, that would give me pause, too.

I'm not saying this is what's going on, just wondering which views are in question here, before I condemn this guy.

BTW: in PA you CAN appeal if you "fail" a homestudy. Not sure what state you're in, but I'd check with an attorney.

Nicole

[cr4cr]

Just a suggestion -- why wait two weeks until you see him again and he does it to you all over? I would call the agency and tell them that you are having a very hard time connecting with this person and that you feel he is being unreasonable in his expectations. Tell them that you find his demeanor offensive and tell (don't ask) them that you feel it is in your best interest to have another SW assigned to your case. Tell them that you would appreciate their assistance in the matter and that you would like to have your file (with everything that is currently completed) to be assigned to a new SW. Specifically state that this man makes you fell as if you and your wife are on trial and that he is condescending and unable to communicate effectively with you.

How does your wife feel about this person? Would she support the decision to ask for a re-assignment? Of course, if you've already put up with him for awhile and you only have to see him one or two more times, then I guess you could stick it out. Of course, as another poster mentioned -- you will have to deal with him post placement if you don't dump him now.

[tobeafamily]

You have assigned reading? Really? That's unusual, at least in my experience. Our HS was pretty basic - did our paperwork, autobiographies, etc. DH met with SW once alone, I met with SW once alone, she met with both of us in our home, then wrote her report. Done.

She did ask us some personal questions, mostly from our autobiographies. Nothing though, that we'd consider 'examine the belly button' type questions. For instance, DH is a recovering addict, so she asked how this would impact his parenting, what would he do if his child experimented with drugs, how does he keep his addiction in check (he's been clean now 16 years), etc.

Just curious - how many times have you met with this person?

Regina

[spaypets]

I totally sympathize. Our sw hadn't completed an adoption homestudy when she met us. She spouted stuff from textbooks some of which was relevant and some of which wasn't.

However, it is in the agency's interest to approve you. Try not to let his personality get to you -- social workers are taught to talk to people a certain way and it's very annoying to those of us who can tell when someone is trying to make us feel validated instead of validating us. The upshot is, it doesn't much matter if he's annoying as long as he writes a good homestudy.

[sugarbabysmommy]

"I'm giving him a chance to be reasonable..."

"...that this guy just wants us to learn and understand some things. Fine, but if we get a bad report, I can't accept that-because WE ARE worthy and qualified to raise a child-no matter what it say's in the text books this guy reads,..."

These two statements imply there was a disagreement, or a butting of heads over ideas about childrearing. Can you give specifics?

We too had reading we needed to do, and didn't really mind. We passed on our books to our family so they could read if they like.

[Dad79]

He was really upset because my wife said she would talk about the child being adopted when he/she was older, 12-13-14. He started spouting off about how it should be done early and what she said was so horrible and dangerous! 1st off, she had a point that a 2-3-4 year old might not be ready to comprehend all the implications behind that. Besides, we've never adopted before, we don't know all the theory behind adoption. He can teach us, fine, but we're still worthy of getting a child, he doesn't need to talk down and belittle us.

Let's say an adoptive parent decided they would never tell the child? Is that grounds for being denied? If so, then they should make it clear up front that that is the stance you have to agree with as a CONDITION for adopting, rather than bring you in, ask you some questions then hold it against you! It's like a cop hiding behind a tree, looking for a reason to pull you over.

How about our philosophy of parenting? I told the agency straight up, that we weren't going to read any books, we where going old school, do what our parents did, parent on instinct, give values and stress education and be involved. The agency people said "That's fine, you don't need to read Dr. Spock", this guy is bothered by that too?

If they're going to give you the 3rd degree, why not just require certain conditions up front? Obviously, he has an agenda about how he wants children raised and wants to either bully NORMAL, CAPABLE people, with good family values, into either agreeing to do it his way, based on the theory he ascribes to or deny them.

It almost feels like you won't have the right to parent as you wish and it's wrong.

[lisa in venice]

I just wanted to say that there are some real differences in biological parenting and adoptive apernting. Not that it is a big hairy deal but it is important to know the differences and recognize that there will be some. Most are not in the same league as not telling a kid until they are an adolescent. That is a is a BIG deal and probaby the first place where this SW freaked out. The thing is that you guys haven't adopted, you aren't in the "know" about all the research on adoption issues and a homestudy is just the perfect time to learn. Unfortunately you got one of those condescending do gooder type Social Workers who believe that they are smarter and more "evovled" than mere mortals. I have had my share of them to. I am not a SW basher but while I have had wonderful smart and very sensitive SWs I have had a few of theis type as well.

My dh had read every thing about adoption and rasing adopted kids and we still got lectured so it is not you, it is him. I have been there an it is not fun. I think it is especially hurtful when coming off of infertility where you see truely unfilt people popping out baby after baby and you have to PROVE yourself to self important nebish in order to become a parent.

Some of the things you have said raise some red flags (when to disclose, not willing to educate yourself about parenting) but this could be a time of education, instead you have a situation where you have become defensive (rightly so) and it may all be counterproductive.

Why don't you do some reading on your own so that you learn the important adoption stuff without having to be spoken down to. and just get this over with.

"Raising Adopted Kids"
"Adoption After Infertility"
"The Open Adoption Experience"
" Twenty Things Adopted Kids...."

Are good for adoption issues

"Your Baby and Child"
"The Happiest Baby on The Block"
"Touch Points"

are good child devolpement and paenting books if you have heard about "Babywise" for God's sake don't mention it to this SW.

lisa

[cynthia900]

Hi,

I emphathize with how you feel but in both my adoptions there were conditions I had to agree to or be denied approval. One was with respect to discipline (no physical punishment), one sleeping arrangements (child could not sleep in my room, even as an infant) and the third I had to be open about adoption from an early age, as well as agreeing to enter the adoption registry when my children were old enough.

In my case these were both State regulations and agency requirements. The home study process was used for two reasons - one to determine if I would make an acceptable parent and two to ensure that I had the information necessary to make my adoption successful (I was requesting the appropriate type of child recognizing what that type of parenting would be, I was aware of the process and how it would work and I understood the current state of knowledge of parenting the adopted child - which, unless your parents adopted is not the same as your parents. Discussing adoption with the child is one aspect of this but there are others.

I am trying to be sensitive to your situation but there are rules you need to agree to or not be approved. They are not always transparent because they want people to actually believe them and not to just agree to them and education is part of the helping process. You do not have to go into the process knowing the right answers to be approved. I point blank asked my second worker if she saw any red flags - you could try that approach and then determine a course of action. In my opinion it is much better to head it off before the home study is done than to try to change it.

I empathize with your frustration - it is hard to allow someone else so much control over something so important.

Good luck

Cynthia

[Dad79]

Thanks for the references, I'll take a look. But...

"when to disclose"

We've never adopted and didn't think about this much yet. I figured the child would be told, but I didn't think about when yet!

"not willing to educate yourself about parenting"

But why should you have to necessarily? I'm sure my parents didn't. I'm sure plenty of other people don't. My wife was a live in nanny for 10 years in Europe, and I had a step son for 6 years in my 1st marriage. Do we necessarily need to "Study"?

[tomandcate]

Hi Dad79,

Just a few thoughts from a fellow hopeful adoptive parent. It sounds like we are at about the same point in this process as you are.

I will give you my honest opinion but of course it is given only after reading these few posts from you, so I may be completely off base and if so I apologize.

You seem to be reacting from a defensive position. Here's what I read between the lines in your post..."I have deemed us normal and qualified to adopt, so we should be approved without enduring these inquisitions from someone who is not normal like we are...someone we don't like or respect."

I've got to say...if this is how you've felt from the beginning (and it seems like you didn't "click" from the start) then you are probably giving off some pretty strong vibes to this guy, which may in turn cause him to question you even more. If you are defensive, he can probably tell, and I bet it makes him want to probe even further...wondering what's at the root of that.

The unfortunate truth for us is that our lives have to be laid open for the agency, the state and the birth parents to dissect and opine about. It is not comfortable and it seems "unfair" because so many couples can decide to have a child without anyone else's input, feelings, opinions or advice. We do not have that luxury and we have to go through an exhausting process of proving that we are worthy and "good enough." So many people ask me, "Doesn't that drive you crazy, that some people can just get pregnant and you have to go through all of this?" But you know what? It doesn't drive me crazy at all. I will answer any question, talk to anyone anywhere, and provide all the background people need/want in order to build our family. It will all be well worth it, and honestly I think the introspection and self-examination is so valuable because we are learning so many things about ourselves and each other - I think every parent ought to have to go through this process, biological or adoptive.

You are right - if the agency has any "must do/have/believe" criteria for working with them, they should absolutely give you those requirements up front. For instance, our agency will not accept smokers for clients, and they made that very clear. They require us to, at minimum, agree to a semi-open adoption, and they made that very clear. They also advised us up front that we would be answering some of the same invasive questions over and over again, for various reasons, and that we should not take that to mean that our SW is not paying attention, or looking for a different answer, or trying to drive us nuts. So we have answered some of the same questions both in writing (in fact several different times in writing) and in interviews, and what we otherwise would have considered annoying, intrusive and personal, we view as a chance to explore our beliefs and plans and share that with the people who will help us become parents.

Our agency also stressed that the home study would be challenging because we might be asked to reconsider some long-held beliefs or plans. They emphasized that the home study is not a "test" but rather a chance for us to learn about ourselves and challenge our thinking if needed. I think being open to that has helped us not get defensive about our lives or sharing things with the SW.

We had to read two books and answer 18 questions in writing based on what we read. My husband was not exactly thrilled about this at first but after reading them (one of which felt much more like a child psychology textbook than a "self help parenting" book) we both now appreciate having had this requirement, because there is so much we had no idea about. A gentle suggestion...I would encourage you to revisit your decision not to read books, at least those on adoptive parenting. Parenting biological children, which I'm assuming is what you saw your parents do, is different (not in all, but in many ways) from parenting adopted children.

I don't know if you can try to repair your opinion of him enough to continue working with him at this point - it seems like the damage may be done. If you can, I think your home study approval will go much smoother.

Good luck to you and your wife, and I hope you take this in the spirit it was intended - as helpful advice from someone who is naturally experiencing many of the frustrations you are.

Cate