[dadfor2]

sorry for coming down hard....but your looking to adopt a child...

i am having a hard time understanding that you and your wife while coming to this decision didnt do alot of reading and investagation if the adoption track is something you really want to do...

yes, first comes the fairytale of wanting a child...then comes the education and the reading, and talking to friends or others that adopted....

thats the fun part..thats the part that you get so excited about...thats the part that you learn different things...

im sure alot of birth families when they found out they were pregnant, did some reading on parenting, talking to other new parents, talking to anyone who really cared about their pregnancy....lol.....even thinking about names...all those things....its a happy time, not a dreaded time....

buying kid furniture, putting kid safty crap all over the place before the child comes....buying clothes even before the baby is born....getting the house ready.....all that stuff...

just planning and staying up till the wee hours of the morning talking about how your lives will be changed when you become parents....and all the exciting times your going to have...

talking about what you just read in the new book that you just purchased and cant wait to tell your wife what you just learned......and then taking that book, and adding it to the library of crap that you picked up about children...and then opening up another book...

the highlighing stuff that you think you might need down the road....

to me, thats the fun stuff...

i know birth and adoption are different...but the excitment is the same....you learn about parenting..you ask questions...your on cloud 9 and your life all of a sudden becomes about the new addition to the family, through birth or adoption...

the only thing you want to talk about is your adoption, your children...nothing else really matters...

all your conversations turn to children...just children....this is the good stuff...

it seems your missing out on all this stuff....

when we started this process, we wanted to know everything about raising an adopted child..we wanted to learn and read evrything we can get our hands on....we asked a million questions....because we wanted to be the best parents we could to our children.....

thats all...it wasnt about write or wrong...we just wanted to know...thats all...plus it was fun...it was our life..


the point of this....
your missing out on one of the biggest parts of this journey, and that is the anticipation of being new parents....



dadfor2

[sugarbabysmommy]

Before reading the replies any futher, I had to say, as an adoptive parent, the first reply from "Tomandcate" is absolutely on the mark!

I also wanted to emphaize one big thing that stared back at me when I read your initial posts, your considering this person not normal and efeminate. These are value judgements about the SW as a person, not about the job he is doing, and they are very likely coloring every interaction you have with him. Believe me, it's pretty clear to me when someone has these sort of strong feelings about me (ie. thinkig I'm a b#tch etc.) without the person ever having to say a thing and it will cause my hackles to go up.

[dadfor2]

QUOTE:

"P.S. I agree with LHecht, by the way - you mentioning that your SW is effeminate is troublesome"


wow....you guys are brave...i caught that too but didnt say anything about it.....I thought that would really open up a can of worms....i didnt want to get into that...

oh well...you guys did...lol


dadfor2

[tobeafamily]

Busy thread...

OK I'll ring in one more time:

1. Social workers and agencies shouldn't always tell you what they're expecting, that makes it difficult or impossible for them to assess what you're 'parroting' vs. what you really feel.
Reminds me of a colleague who adopted a child from the same agency we did. She was annoyed that the SW came to her house and basically visited - chatted about gardening, their interest in gourmet cooking, etc. She felt like it was a big waste of time and not purposeful.

SW was really looking to observe the family while they were relaxed and not focusing on 'being assessed'. She's been doing this for 20 years and had learned that when you do things unobtrusively, you see more.

Another view: It's equally annoying to have to be 'educated' on things you already know, so look at it as a timesaver to not have to educate yourself on other concepts like childproofing, daycare, etc. you may have shown to be well-versed in.

2. You've said yourself this SW is newer, so he may not be as savvy as more experienced SWs who may be better at uncovering without alarming or creating animosity. They're also better at subtlely educating.

3. If you personally don't feel a trusting relationship with this SW, you should ask to be reassigned. Some of your comments indicate you basically don't like this man as a person, which may be coloring both your and his reactions, creating a 'witches' brew'. Just a guess - you feel vunerable and threatened, he may be feeling belittled and insulted. Best to now ask for a SW with a better personality fit if that's the case.

As to educating yourselves, honestly, guys, we didn't start reading stuff like "The Open Adoption Experience" or "Dear Birthmother" until we were 3/4 of our way through our homestudy....come to think of it, that same SW who saw my colleague I think just happened to mention they'd be a good read, realizing I love good books....hmmm....

Having said all that, now that you are aware that their are differences, head to the library and check out some books, there are some good recommendations, and never be afraid to ask people on this board. Sometimes we get overzealous, tangental, and such, but basically this is a good community with a lot to offer. We mean well.

Hang in there, homestudies really are a pain in the keester.

Regina

[Leigh131313]

I'm with ya buddy...

Adoption is not an easy thing to get through....but like it or not, its what you have to do to have a family....i say, buck up buttercup and deal with it. Thats what we had to do, and believe me, the end result is worth it. But if all you want to do is complain about it, you really arent going to get anywhere. In which case enjoy being an aunt or godparent, or neighborhood babysitter to all those wonderful famillies in your neighborhood.

I agree, you really should take your negative experience and turn it into a positive. COMMUNCATE with your agency...they will apreciate the feedback.
Leigh

[roxanna425]

it's true that the people on this board are BRAVE. As a sw I have never done home studies but I do do work with families in crisis and I *know* when one of the parents (usually the father) thinks I am a big B and that they are better than I am (I am hispanic and this area is primarily white.) and on top of that if they needed education and flatly told me they refused to read anything that would raise so many flags I cannot tell you! I would also think that they sw in your homestudy has a pretty good radar for this kind of behavior and that's why he's being so tough on you. Adoption of very different fron having a birth child. On top of all the issues already raised you bring lots of people in your life that are looking for the best home for the child, not materially but psychologically and being very rigid and arrogant won't win lots of points on that scale.

[eahollen]

Folks, I think we may have scared him off.

It is a "red flag" to me that he apparantly knew about this forum, but only bothered to register and post when he had a problem. He could have been reading and posting and getting all kinds of advice from us all along.

Maybe he'll return.

Beth

[dadfor2]

sometimes, people come out here to cause problems to get a reaction. they have nothing to do with their time.

but we give the benefit of the doubt.

there were a few things he said that would raise suspicion...

1. describing the SW....i found it odd, when someone is angry, they usually dont decribe the person. What would be the point?

2. when he said 'i told them straight up that i wont read any books." who would actually say this when they are talking to a SW that they are working with to adopt a child....

anyway, for the new members who are really trying to help, just keep in the back of your minds, that people do come out, throw out garbage, and get people going...

then they disappear and come back with a different name.

not saying this is what dad79 did...but i did wonder about it...it just seemed a little odd.

dadfor2

[mj77]

Thanks Dadfor2 for the warning.

Assuming Dad79 is being honest, I respect his needing to vent. I can't imagine not wanting to learn everything I could so I can be the best mom I can be to my kids. But I do know how trying a homestudy can be. I imagine as this guy is very proud of where he and his wife have brought themselves in life and with them wanting a child, it must be very troubling for him to learn he has so much more to do. There is always more to do and learn though. He owes it to his future child(ren) to be the best person he could be and that includes him and his wife educating themselves.

[Volfe]

Ya know guys, I can't help but say that i thought Dad bore a slight resemblance to PattiPanCakes (angry aparent resistant to considering all facets in the adoption of a child aspects).

But that's just my opinion.

Maia

[LHecht]

True...I'm sure we all want to encourage people to seek help and guidance when needed, but I think sometimes it's easy for "the village" (or maybe just me) to get overzealous because that unwillingness to recognize that adoption is different in some ways is just so freakin' scary. Oh, and bless all of you who keep the communication open by offering such fine, nonjudgmental support.

[Opus]

I agree with dadfor2 - I'm not saying that dad79 is a troll but I think there is a good possibility that he is. It wasn't too long ago that we were lending our support to pattipancakes who ended up being a fraud.

That being said, I think everyone here should be commended for giving sound advice to someone who clearly needed it. If he's real that is, lol....

[Opus]

We cross posted - I couldn't agree with you more.

[amom4life]

Originally posted by Opus
I agree with dadfor2 - I'm not saying that dad79 is a troll but I think there is a good possibility that he is. It wasn't too long ago that we were lending our support to pattipancakes who ended up being a fraud.

That being said, I think everyone here should be commended for giving sound advice to someone who clearly needed it. If he's real that is, lol....

What??? Pattipancakes was a fake??? How do you know this?
Judy

[dadfor2]

mj77

i totally agree...we all need to vent....the homestudy process is just so intrusive and frustrating...oh i remember it well....AHHHH!!!!!

god knows i vented out here quite a few times..ok ok...maybe more then a few times...lol.....

but to me, this appeared to be a little more then venting.....thats why i brought it up...

sometimes i love these kinda threads..makes it kinda interesting to see where people come from and their convictions....

its so affirming to me that we all come out here for our children, no matter what...thats what brought us here in the first place...and sometimes, just sometimes...that people say things that stir up our insides.....

i dont know...i like to see people so involved in the happiness and welfare of, not just their children, but all our children

thanks for being out there everybody..


dadfor2