[tobeafamily]

I would have to agree with Lisa in that being an adoptive parent isn't the same as being a parent of a biological child in some critical aspects - one being in the child's awareness of their adoptive status. There is a wealth of research out there supporting the view that not telling a child until adolescence of their adopted status can be more damaging than confusing them at 2. This *is* a big issue in adoption and it's important as a paparent for you to not only say you're OK with it, but be OK with it.

There are other issues as well, like understanding that yes, your brand-new baby has already experienced loss, and understanding how to promote good attachment because this child doesn't sense any biochemical signals (there is clinical evidence of this) that you are its' parent. These attachment parenting techniques may or may not be 'the way you were raised'. Missing this, and raising a child with an attachment disorder as a result, can be quite challenging.

Our son has always been told he is adopted, we read age-appropriate books and look at pictures of his Bema (birthmom) and Beda (birthdad). He isn't going to 'get it' like an adult would but he does already understand at 2 that Mommy's tummy was broken and his Bema needed Mommy and Daddy's help giving him all she couldn't and that's how we became his Mommy and Daddy.

As to parenting style, whether you read books or not about general parenting, that's up to you and I don't know of many agencies who'd have a problem with that.

I understand feeling like you're under a microscope, being judged, condescended to, treated like you're stupid or wrong. In a sense, I'd say get used to it because you are going to be under some kind of microscope, though maybe not as strongly, for a while. You're going to wonder how a woman who's life may not be what yours is dare judge whether you should be her child's parents, a judge agrees, and be scrutinized as parents post-placement.

Having said that, if there's a personality and trust issue with this professional, I'd highly recommend you ask for reassignment to someone who you can have a better relationship with, who can help you understand and prepare for the unique aspects of adoptive parenting without creating animosity.

IMHO

Regina

[icunurse]

Okay....this is just my opinion...
I, too, like most people, did not enjoy the homestudy process. It is frustrating to feel like you have to "prove" that you are capable of being a good parent. And not everyone has to like their SW. However, as a previous poster pointed out, adoptive parenting *is* different. Maybe, your resistance to acknowledge that or learn more about it or your plan to delay telling your child about it is being seen as a denial of adoption. Just something to think about (and I understand that you have some learning to do about adoption)....if you delay telling your child until he/she is older, what is that telling them about adoption (that it is shameful, a secret, etc.)? What if they should find out before you plan to tell them? What if there are "circumstances" surrounding their birth that they need to know at some point. Take advantage of your time now, before the baby arrives, and the last thing on your mind is reading a book or going to a class. Also, as far as childrearing goes....as long as you don't plan to use spanking as a form of punishment, you're pretty much in the clear with SW's. Time-outs, talking, teaching values are all good. Seriously, read a bit about "adopting" (not necessarily "parenting")...it's not going to cause any harm, but it might actually give you some ideas and insight that will be helpful in the future.

[Dad79]

"There is a wealth of research out there supporting the view that not telling a child until adolescence of their adopted status can be more damaging than confusing them at 2. This *is* a big issue in adoption and it's important as a paparent for you to not only say you're OK with it, but be OK with it."

Then why don't they tell you up front how urgent this is, instead of fishing for answers and if you come up with the wrong one send you off on a pilgrimage for 3-4 weeks to cleanse your soul? C'mon, all I'm saying is be straight up, educate people rather than playing games.

[eahollen]

Quote
"But why should you have to necessarily? I'm sure my parents didn't. I'm sure plenty of other people don't. My wife was a live in nanny for 10 years in Europe, and I had a step son for 6 years in my 1st marriage. Do we necessarily need to "Study"?"


A couple of things that I have read in the "literature" there is on adoption and child rearing in this century ...

1) Multiple generations used to live in the same house-so the new mother could benefit from an experienced woman, who had learned from her own mother and so on. Unless you have very close female relatives who have raised children from infants, and will be available to help you a great deal in the first months, you will be lacking any guidance. And let me tell you, there are moments, sometimes whole days, that you cannot believe that anyone would possibly have a second child after going through what you are going through right then. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, and there are somethings that don't come naturally.

2) People will give parenting advice to pregnant women (whether they desire it or not). Adoptive parents will not get this advice so readily, because they do not have the obvious signals that a pregnant woman has.

And this from just adopting the first 5 months of my son's life, I can't imagine that the t*rrible twos, the trying threes, on up to the teenage years will get any better. Of course, the good moments are so unbelieveably fabulous.

Add onto the normal issues of parenting the fact that your child will have to come to terms with being adopted (and telling them right before the already rebellious teenage years doesn't seem to be ideal)... I would think that advice from people who have been there done that would be welcome.

Goodluck, I hope the remainder of your h*mestudy process goes smoothly.

Beth

[dadfor2]

hi dad79


wow....i was going to write sooner about getting a new worker, but things werent making sence...i figured something had to of been said, that would make you so angry.

well, after reading your last post...i understand now.

I will not be as kind as some of the ladies out here...sorry...

theres a couple of things ill say, you might not like..but you have to understands DSS point of view..

first, you need to think about this....are you adopting a child because you want a child? or because you want to give a child a home? two different issues.

birth children and adoptive children are two different things...no matter what you believe or what you have heard.

i think the social worker is trying to figure out how much you really looked into parenting an adoptive child?...thats why he didnt give you the answers....but will correct you if you answered it wrong and see if you would be willing to learn.

you should read all the books and go to trainings on parenting
adoptive kids........you cannot parent these kids like your parents did....you werent removed from your family and placed in a family that you didnt know....maybe you were adopted, i dont know..you never mentioned you were, so im assuming your parents are the same parents that gave birth to you...

the social workers job is not to find a child for you..but to find a child a home....

i dont know, i wasnt at these meetings...but it seems your on the same page as the worker....its my way or the highway...


QUOTE:
"How about our philosophy of parenting? I told the agency straight up, that we weren't going to read any books"

are you sure your ready to adopt?....it seems you have all the answers already on how to parent an adoptive child......

to adopt a child isnt about you wanting a child, its about the child needing a home....

id really think about adoption at this point....or maybe take a few months to really learn the differences between an adopted child and a birth child....and im sorry...get a freaking book about adopted kids and read it.....

dadfor2

[Dad79]

"your plan to delay telling your child about it is being seen as a denial of adoption."

The whole point is, this wasn't a "PLAN". When thinking about raising this child, we where thinking about a whole lot of other this 1st, like preparing a room, schools, what we where going to do for the child etc. When and how we where going to tell the child he/she was adopted was not even on the radar yet.

So the SW gets all bent out of shape? Why not just tell us how urgent this is, educate us, what's the big deal, nobody brought it up in any earlier discussions we've had so it wasn't at the top of the list - why try to fish for answers and trip us up? Why not just TELL the uneducated (US) up front, what' sproven to be best and is expected?

[icunurse]

Well, you are hearing it now, so make the best of it. Adoption education for you and your wife comes WAY before a room, school, etc., as , most likely, you will have plenty of time to sort through that stuff after the homestudy is finished and before a child comes into your home. Maybe you should be up front and honest (in a nice way) with your SW and hear what he thinks....tell him you need his opinion and guidance, that you are trying and willing to do the right thing, but don't know how. And read some books about adoption.

[Dad79]

"are you sure your ready to adopt?....it seems you have all the answers already on how to parent an adoptive child......"

Yes, I'm sure. Absolutely. I don't have all of the answers, but YES, ABSOLUTELY, my wife and I are capable and ready to raise an adopted child, WE DON'T NEED to think about it.

"Do we want a child, or do we want to give a child a home.''

Logically, if we didn't want a child for our own reasons, then the "give the child a home" part would never then follow next in the logical progression. Did you adopt a child? So I guess your saying that you did it all for the sake of helping a child and WANTING to have a child for your own selfish reasons had nothing to do with it? I'm sorry, but the 2 go hand in hand, if you don't WANT a child, you won't GIVE THE CHILD A HOME.

[Dad79]

"tell him you need his opinion and guidance, that you are trying and willing to do the right thing, but don't know how. And read some books about adoption."

That's exactly what we told him, no problem. I'm just concerned that his opinion, could adversely effect our life, when we ARE perfectly capable to give a child a better life than he/she'd get in that orphanage, even if it is partially for our fulfillment-as it should be. People who don't WANT children, won't GIVE THEM A GOOD HOME as we will.

[lisa in venice]

"Why don't they tell you that?" No good reason I can think of. You are right, they should have taken the time to give you more information BEFORE the homestudy process. I guess they just do things that way. I know some agencies use the homestudy process for education but some require a series of classes beforehand. My favorite agency here in Southern CA has day log seminars on life long adoption issues that are facsinating and VERY helpful.

As for wht you shouold be interested in parenting books, I can see both sides. You have a history of successfully parenting and experience that has gained you skills but I personally like to have as much info as possible. Think of it this way: you have been driving since you were 16 (or so) but when you get a new car or drive someone elses you probably leaf thru the owner's manual.

Also I do believe that normal developemental milestones can more meaning in adopted children. For instance "object permanance"and "Stranger and separation anxiety" are normal stages for every baby but ow will your baby fair thru those stages after having a signifigant loss already? At three most kids start talking about where babies come from and begin to be curious about human sexuality. Your children will have another complication in learning about that stuff. I find that it is some times comforting to know that a particularly difficult phase or behavior is developementally appropriate an have suggestion for how to get thru it when everything you learned from your family is not working. For me the most helpful and most practical help my parenting books give is about typical medical issues in small children. It was great to read about Roseola when my oldest broke out in a rash on a Sat. night. Instead of going to the emergency room I knew it was harmless and could wait until Mon. am to see the Dr. I learned about trush and how it makes nursing difficult, I learned the symptems of ear infections and home remidies for pink eye.


You are about to embark on a wonderful and exciting journey, one that is not easy and as far as I am concerned any extra help you can get it well worth the time and effort.

lisa

[emiliesfirstmom]

Ouch. Dad79, you come across in your posts as very angry about the entire adoption process. If you seem this angry in person, I have to assume that you are giving off these sort of vibes in person too.

What concerns me about your posts are that you seem unwilling to acknowledge that there is a difference between raising a biological child and raising an adopted child, and you seem unwilling to learn anything about adoption. The picture I am getting from you is not a pretty one, and if it what your SW is seeing, it may make him question you even more.

I am a birthmother, and I can assure you that I would NEVER have chosen adoptive parents for my child who hadn't given any thought to when they'd tell her she was adopted or who turned up their noses at reading and learning more about adoption. I strongly urge you to reconsider some of your stances.

As for the SW, if you feel you truly cannot work with him, you can certainly ask your agency to find you another SW. But frankly, I don't think the problem is him.

[Dad79]

"Well, you are hearing it now, so make the best of it. Adoption education for you and your wife comes WAY before a room, school, etc."

Well fine, we've been in discussions with this agency since May! Why didn't they steer us in the right direction? We've paid them good money, why haven't they done the right thing and mapped out the expectations, rather than waiting 3-4 months and sort of dumping on you? If they want you to read several books on adoption theory up front, say so, I would have bought a book or 2 in June. But they didn't do any of that, they said everything was fine at every stage. I mean if you're paying an organization to provide a service-for something that means so much to you, they should be doing their best to coach you as to what's expected all along the way.

[emiliesfirstmom]

Why didn't YOU take the initiative to read up on adoption? Why didn't YOU take some time to go online and read and learn? Could your agency have done better? Perhaps. But ultimately, you have a lot of responsibility for your adoption.

[79nic]

Dad79,

Hi.

First off, I'd like to point out that you are doing a good thing by continuing to read this thread, read people's advice, even though not everyone is agreeing with you right now. That in itself is self-education.
Kudos to you for doing that.

Second, I totally agree that you, as someone just starting the process, should not be expected to know everything about adoption and parenting. To this end, I'm wondering... does your agency have you attend adoption info and parenting classes? Have you attended these classes already? Usually they are conducted by the agency workers and are a part of the adoption process.

No caseworker should make you feel that you dumb or stupid for just not knowing something you have no experience with.

They do, however, need to know that you're willing to be educated. That doesn't have to be in the form of books necessarily... but I think they probably just want to see some willingness on your part to do some introspective thinking, and to admit that you don't know everything but are willing to learn.

I'm thinking maybe it would help if you sat down with your social worker and said something like, "Look, we feel like we got off on the wrong foot, and like maybe we answered some questions in a way you didn't want to hear. We are new at this, and it's not that we're not willing to reevaluate our beliefs, it's just that your questions took us by surprise... We'd like for you to educate us about adoption, so we can learn."

Being a good parent is about more than a home, a job, and a college degree. It is also about more than just love. There's a third component (in addition to love and the material necessities): wisdom. IMHO, part of wisdom is being willing to learn.... I think if you were to speak frankly with your cw about your willingness to learn, this would go a long way.

I've never been through a homestudy so I won't pretend to know how it feels. I imagine it's monstrously invasive and uncomfy. And it's got to be irritating that bio parents don't have to go through it. But I think the reason for it is just to make sure that whatever child they place with you gets a good home. Can you imagine if there were no homestudies, no background checks, etc? Any child molester could just waltz into an agency and adopt...
(Note: not saying your a child molester, just pointing out why the homestudy needs to be!!!! )

Anyway, good luck. I hope this all works out for you.

Nicole

[Dad79]

"I am a birthmother, and I can assure you that I would NEVER have chosen adoptive parents for my child who hadn't given any thought to when they'd tell her she was adopted or who turned up their noses at reading and learning more about adoption. I strongly urge you to reconsider some of your stances."

Sorry birth mother, but these aren't "stances", it's more like ignorance on our part, and I'm not ashamed to say it. We've spent 3-4 months proving we have good jobs, a safe, nice home and neighborhood, good education, good character, no illness, good health, etc. etc. etc. Thinking that that was what was important, I'm just upset that the agency didn't say, "Look, here's what really matters."

"when you get a new car or drive someone elses you probably leaf thru the owner's manual."

No, I always just start driving.