[Mezzo1]

We have two children adopted from Russia. We decided to reference their birthmothers as the "Tummy Ladies" just while they are little. Well...

My 2 1/2 year old daughter has been talking a lot lately about how she is growing a doggie in her tummy (she desperately wants a dog, and she has seen a lot of our pregnant friends recently, and is getting used to the arrival of her new baby brother). She asked me over the weekend if I have a baby growing in my tummy. I told her that my tummy was broken and that the "Tummy Lady" grew her for me and how thrilled we were about that. I told her that the same was for her baby brother. She then asked me if I have a new tummy now and I said Yes. She told someone we know later that day that her mommy's tummy was broken, but now she has a new one.

Last night she asked me to tell her a story about her. I told her how we went to Russia, "tummy lady" etc... I did not emphasize the tummy lady part, I just made it a natural part of the story, but it obviously stuck with her. She asked me what is the "tummy lady's" name. I told her I didn't know, but would try and find out for her.

This morning my husband told my daughter that she would be going with me to a playroup tomorrow with other children adopted from Russia. my daughter then asked him if the "tummy ladies" would be there.

I'm a little freaked out that she's so young and asking about this. I'm questioning whether I should have even brought up the "tummy lady" at such a young age. I know they can absorb different things at different ages, but that each chikd is different. Maybe when my daughter asked me if I had a baby growing in my tummy, I should have answered with a simple no since she didn't ask me if she grew in my tummy.

I'd be interested in others experiences with this.

Thanks!

Mezzo

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I think it is perfectly natural for toddlers to ask questions! I would say that the tummy ladies would not be there because they still live very far away. But then I would say guess what? All the kids there would have been born from a tummy lady just like you!!

I dont believe in lying to kids, so I think you totally did the right thing! And yes, kids talk....but it is nothing to be ashamed of! Your daughter was proudly born for you from a tummy lady because your tummy was broken.....and if it wasnt broken then you wouldnt have her! So you are both special...her for being born from a tummy lady and you for getting to be her mommy!!

Dont freak out! Wear it proudly!!!

[Jensboys]

What you want is for your child to know that you are comfortable with adoption, with adoption terminology, with who she is and where she is from, you want her to know she is loved and was loved before.

Here are some ideas from another amom .

1) buy some books that talk about adoption. Katie's Koala is a good one for her age level. It talks about Katie "adopting" a teddy Koala from the zoo and relates it back to how Katie was adopted as a baby.

2) Make her a life book. Use simple pictures and a story that she can follow. If there are no infant pictures of her, draw some together or use magazine cut outs (dont pretend they are her ... explain that this is what you think she looked like etc)
Use the word "birth mother" or "first mother". The reality is that there is not some baby store out there with "tummy ladies" pumping out kids. She has another mother who, for whatever reason, loved her but knew that your daughter needed another family to take care of her. Offer information in an age appropriate way. Using the term mother wont confuse her and it wont take anything away from your motherhood either. Its honest and she will understand.

3) Sounds like you are already doing it - but expose to frequently to other children, adults etc who are from families like hers. POINT OUT when you see other adopted children or kids from Russia etc. She needs to internalize that its ok and "normal".


Some kids dont process adoption until much older, other are far more keen to know and understant. Sounds like you have one of the later. I know how it is ... I have one of each. But I promise you this - you will never regret being honest and open!

[2boyz1girl]

I agree with Jensboys. I think it's great that your daughter is asking these questions, and that you are answering them honestly, as soon as she is able to comprehend them. That way, there will never be a big "reveal" day, she will just always know. I think that the term "tummy lady" is cute and might be appropriate for her age, but it also takes away some of the respect you could feel, and teach her to feel, toward her birthmother. Like Jen said, it kinda gives the idea that she came from some tummy factory, and that her bmother wasn't a real person who loved her and wanted what was best.

[spaypets]

A book my daughter (she'll be 3 in November) likes is Families are Forever. It uses the term birth mother. When I tell my DD her life story, I call her bmother her ai (the Marathi word for mother) and her bfather babba (the Marathi word for father), which I think is appropriate since that would have been what she would have called them if they'd been able to raise her.

I wasn't sure that she was understanding any of either her adoption story or the one in the book, but a week or so ago we had a terrible evening with her throwing a tantrum and she got sent to bed without her bath or her story (because she spent so much time having a fit). The next morning she wanted me to read that book--I think she wanted to hear the part about families being forever even when things don't go well.

Or she liked the pink cover.

[NaturalMomma]

I know you meant well, but the whole Tummy Lady thing made me shudder. It made me think of a milk cow or a baby factory or something. I am sure you didn't mean it to come out like that, but that is how it sounds to me.

I am an adoptee. My first mother is one of my two mothers. I love both of my mothers with all my heart. Just as a mother can love more than one child, a child can love more than one mother.

My first mother loved me dearly and still does. She wasn't merely a tummy, a vessel, that incubated me until I was ready to hatch; she is one of my two mothers. I have her eyes and nose and I am a part of her.

I am glad that my amom always referred to her as my mother and not just a tummy, even though she had no idea who she was. She made sure I understood that the people who created me loved me like any mother and father would. It was the single most important thing she did for my self esteem.

I hope you do the same for your daughter. It really does make a difference, in my opinion.

[Brat]

I've been reading, "I Love You Like Crazy Cakes" to my 7-mo-old daughter. Of course, she has no idea what I'm talking about, and the writer is talking to her daughter adopted from China (ours was a domestic adoption). But it's a cute, compassionate story, and I want her to have a diverse understanding of adoption, eventually.

How neat that your daughter is already asking questions. Sounds like a bright little gal. But I can understand how you might be hesitant to refer to her birthmother as a mother. But she is. I think many of us amoms get nervous about that...but I think we need not be. There's enough room in our children's hearts for the both of us, especially when the truth is just the truth. Maybe you can transition to Tummy Mother instead of Tummy Lady then move forward from there as she gets older.

That's assuming you have a hesitancy with calling her a mother--don't want to put words in your mouth.

I think that if we communicate (and remember!) how grateful we are that our children's birthmoms allowed us to raise our daughters, they'll benefit from the positive aspects of their adoption, and dwell less on the loss. At least that is my hope, and I'm sure it's the hope of my daughter's birthmom.

I think you have rec'd some great advice--I especially agree with JensBoys' friends' suggestions and will use them myself.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

LOL!! Well we all know I am one of the FIRST to be offended( HAHA)....but she said that she was using it because her kids are so young... I thought it was cute to help a two year old understand! If the child was older and she was using it because she didnt want to say mother....I would probably be offended... but I thought it was cute.
It HAS to help the child understand that she was born from someone else's tummy! And in knowing that....it will help the word "birthmom" or whichever she decides to use...be more understandable! I also think that it gives you something to work with if you dont find out her name... You can say that I dont know her name but the Tummy lady is your birthmom....it could lead in to a deeper conversation later, knowing that the concept is understood....

But for a toddler? I dont find it offenssive I think it is cute.
JMHO.... but then again I refer to myself as my birthdaughter's birthmom and her mom as her "real" mom even though that offends people.... *shrug*

[Mezzo1]

Wow, thanks for all of your responses!

Unfortunately a few people did make some assumptions about my comfort with using the term birthmother. Not the case at all. My husband and I heard someone use the term "Tummy Lady" for their toddler and we liked it and thought it would be perfect for our daughter and son while they are very young.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

Mezzo

[sugarbabysmommy]

"my tummy was broken and that the "Tummy Lady" grew her for me and how thrilled we were about that."

Honestly, this gave me the image of a woman with a "bun in the oven" she baked just for you. I understand you may be trying to give your child the sense that you two were/are meant for one another, but this feels like a slippery slope. If your daughter had come to you through surrogacy it might not sound so odd.

Just a thought about a name for your daughter's birthmother. Until you are able to know her given name, what about choosing a Russian term of endearment, or Russian version of mother?

It sounds like you have a wonderfully bright girl, all the best...

[mj77]

IMHO, Tummy Lady sounds like it would be an exciting fairy-godmother-type character in a Disney movie or something. I too think it's kind of cute (truly no intentions of offending anyone). I can somewhat see though how a toddler could become curious and excited by that and want to see their Tummy Lady (who knows what thier little minds fantasize )

I wouldn't read too much into her curiosity. In her mind it is probably much more simple than it seems to you.

[michellemartin]

I've heard the tummy mommy term used before and that doesnt bother me at all. I prefer tummy mommy to tummy lady as the lady in question was mommy while the child was in ther "tummy". I agree that its a cute way to help a child understand. Trying to explain birth to a child! I had to do that about a year ago with my daughter, boy is she curious, and wants to know how babies are made... Everything! When Karma was younger I told her Tummy also, now she has a better understanding of it, but age does make a huge difference. I think calling her a term of endearment for her culture would be awesome until you know the actual name.

[joby]

Well, we could go to the opposite side of things with my son!

He's 7 and knows everything there is to know about adoption and he's NOT ADOPTED! He knows we're int he process and hes so extremely happy to be a brother so he talks about it all the time.

The problem is that he uses teminology that goes beyond what the average kid uses.

You see, I had a radical hysterectomy a couple of years ago that resulted in MANY MONTHS of recovery time. When my son was asking questions about my many surgeries and the hospital visits, I used words like ovaries and uterus and tumors, etc. I believed that letting him use the same words he heard the doctors and his dad and I use that it would eliminate some of the mystery and fear. I was right! It did help! The downside?

Well....we were in a restaurant a while back and my son engaged the pregnant waitress in conversation. He asked, among other things, "Is your baby warm and cozy insside of your uterus?" She just looked at me like I was nuts! Then he went on to explain that "My mom's uterus broke and now she can't have a baby in it. So we're adopting a kid from another lady's uterus." Then he went on to explain even more things that I cannot bring myself to type!

Let them be little kids without worry about ther teminology. I imagine it makes much mroe sense to a kid to imagine a "Tummy Mummy" or "Tummy Lady" than trying to grasp the realitites of adoption. Plus...can you imagine the visual!?!? In her little mind, there is probably a lady who always has a big preggers tummy! LOL

And Mezzo...just think how great it is that she feels comfortable enough to ask you questions! It's not something that bothers her or makes her nervous. She has her place and her home and her mommy...she just wants to know more about this interesting character you've built for her! Good work, Mom!


Aren't kids FAB????

Please pardon my typos! It's late!

Joby