[terry2ferg]

I am just looking for advice on how and when to tell my boss that I am adopting. I thought I would wait until we were approved and "in the books".....and we're almost there! I am very nervous about telling my boss b/c he can be a jerk and even wanted to fire a woman a few years ago b/c she was pregnant! But I feel like I need to tell them soon b/c once our letter goes out things could go very fast....or very slow (I'm of course hoping for the fast option).

I am just afraid he'll be very judgmental, he seems to think that if a woman has a baby before she is tenured (I work in a research lab at a university) she'll never become a tenure-track faculty member and have her own lab. Of course I'm not even sure this is what I want anymore.....I just want to be a MOM right now :-)

Thanks! I look forward to hearing your stories about how you told your jobs and all your advice!

[Leigh131313]

I had two jobs, and i went about it two different ways.

For my one job....I knew that the Executive Director had some rather negative views on adoption...so, when we were approved instead of going to her with my news, i went to the human resource person. I explained to her that we were waiting for an adoption placement and had no way of knowing when this would happen, or how much notice I could give. She was absolutely supportive, and reassured me that all would be looked after when the time came.

As for my other job.... By the time I was hired for this job, we had already given up on adoption working out for us....imagine my surprise when we got matched up right after i was hired. I went to her and explained to her ...I would have been more upfront when I was being hired, but we had honestly thought this wasnt going to work out. I told her it was still uncertain ( birthmom's change their minds) but I would understand if they didnt want to wait it out. Turns out she was adopted and more than excited for us. She told me i would always have a job there when and if the time came that i wanted to return to work.

Is there anyone that you can notify that may be a little more understanding? If not, i might be more likely to wait until you are matched up with a pbmom...you never know how long you may be waiting, and a miserable work environment may just make it seem longer......maybe that isnt completely upfront but do couples have to notify their bosses when they begin to try to conceive a baby? just a thought.
Leigh

[lmrod55]

I had a really good relationship with my manager so I felt more inclined to tell him that we were adopting - I told him once we started the homestudy process and just asked that he not tell anyone (as we weren't telling people outside our family).

I think you are on the right track by telling your boss once you are "in the books" - if you don't feel comfortable telling him, can you go to someone in HR, or his boss?

good luck!

[MMC66]

I work for a small private business and have been matched with a pbmom due next month. I will be very difficult to replace and know once I tell them, my work environment will change completely (for the worse) I plan to quit after the baby comes so I am really nervous that our pbmom will change her mind and I will be out of a job while we wait for a placement. I plan to tell them in the next couple of weeks. Sorry, that probably isn't much help to you - just wanted you to know, I understand your stress :-)

Martha

[bumpkin]

For my first son (domestic newborn adoption) I told my boss and office after waiting about 6 months. Our agency said that around 12-16 months was the average wait - but I thought it might go faster, as we were on the young side of most of the couples that were waiting. As it turned out it too 9 months total, so the timing was just right.

For our second - I told my boss right after we submitted the application (guess I figured 2nd time would go fast too- wrong)mostly because she wanted me to take on more responsibility and I was looking for less. I then left that job after about 9 months for another one that would be from home and would be great for a new baby..., no new baby. When I was downsized out of that job, I started another new job (now 2 years have passed) and I felt I had to tell that boss when I was being hired, as it HAD to be soon, right..... no new baby. I then decided to pursue adoption through our foster care system and explained to my boss that I guess it wouldn't be imminent - 2 weeks later we were placed with baby twins! You just never know.

My advice would be to wait 6 months and then see where you are. If you get placed earlier than that, you can always explain that you never dreamed you would get a baby in 5 months.

Good luck

[kllee4]

If you think that your boss isn't going to be supportive, I think that I would wait as well. Since you have just recently been approved, the wait is so unpredictable that saying something early may jeaopardize your job. And if your wait becomes much longer than anticipated, you don't want your work enviornment to suffer. On the other hand, if you are blessed with a quick match, then what would you really lose? I would tell whenever it became feasible.

As a new teacher, I was unsure about when to tell my principal about our potential match. It happened quickly and only 2 other coworkers new that we had started the process. When we got the call, I wanted to wait until we met with the pbmom before I mentioned it at work. I was concerned about being away from my students and also I was not tenured at the school. With the baby being due within 3 weeks, I decided to tell them so that they could prepare to have sub from my students, and I also had to prepare my students for my absence.

My principal was very supportive and although the match failed, I was glad that I waited. Since I knew that I wanted to take a long leave of absence from teaching and return after our child was in the 1st or 2nd grade, I decided to resign and finish working on my Master's. I figured that I could return to teaching at her school and become tenured later.

Just wanted to share what I did. We are still waiting and will prayerfully be matched soon. I'm sure that everything will work out for you.

kllee

[sandymomof2]

I also think you should wait until it's more of a known.

We, unfortunately, didn't have that option since the agency
who did our homestudy sent a letter to my boss and to
DH's boss asking for a letter of recommendation (more relating
to our work ethic, potential drug/alcohol abuse, etc).
This really annoyed me since I didn't know they were going
to do that and we hadn't mentioned anything to our bosses
at that time. People who are trying to conceive don't inform
their bosses so I didn't think our agency should inform
them either! As it turned out, it really didn't matter. My
boss was an awesome woman who had experienced
infertility herself so was actually very supportive of our
efforts.

[allanacw]

I told my boss (one of four partners in the business) just after went sent in the application, but despite having received S. in what they're describing as "foster with a view to adopt" on Monday, my husband didn't tell his boss until Thursday when he needed a personal day! We're both working until it becomes an adoptive placement, at which point one of us will go off on paternity leave. Our employers have both been supportive (mine so incredibly, incredibly wonderful!)

Trust your gut. I know I wanted to shout the news from the rooftops and tell all my coworkers! But if your gut tells you to wait, I would follow it.

[JulesInColorado]

Ok - this was a dilemma to me as well. When I was doing infertility treatments I had morning appointments, I work for a large company and had a very lenient boss so I did not have to tell every time I left for an appointment, but I told one person I trusted and when I left for appts. she would just say that I went to the doctor ...and then tell them to ask me directly ...no one had the guts to but they all suspected something.

Anyway - when we finally decided on adoption, it was a different story for me because it was more of a sure thing. So we just signed our papers in August, the agency has an average six month wait and then they do homestudy etc. and it's up for grabs from there. I was so tired of being secrective and I did just want to shout from the rooftops so I decided to share. We had a co-worker baby shower and I approached my co-worker and asked her permission to announce at her party - she was excited and more than supportive. There were about 15 + women there, when I announced it everyone was VERY excited and of course had tons of questions I felt that it was the right move for me. I did not want to get close to the adoption date and then go "guess what"...I felt my co-workers would have been surprised and hurt, I felt if I announced it early that everyone could sort of build up excitement with me. Plus one of the women that was hosting the shower was adopted herself and everyone knew that so she was very supportive.

As for my direct boss, I told him the next day. Someone came up to me and mentioned it right in front of him. Honestly, I was not expecting much of a reaction either way...but it turns out he was excited for me...and he told me that he and his wife had looked into adoption because they had trouble with getting pg with their second child so he could relate. I have to say I was surprised and also relieved. Unfortunately for me right after I told him he left our company - so I will have to tell my new boss, but I have decided that I am just going to do it like and "fyi" because everyone else already knows.

[JulesInColorado]

one more thing about my co-workers - they are so funny because they sort of mention it in passing (but I can tell they want some news) and I've had to tell them "no news yet" but remind them of our 6 month wait etc. In general I don't mind because I know they all mean well - and I can see that they are getting excited too!

[terry2ferg]

Unfortunately there really isn't an HR person I could tell - well there is and I might look into that just to figure out how much time I will be able to take off. Even though I am employed by the university, I only report to my boss (a professor) and his wife (our lab manager).....and I do feel I owe it to them to tell them. My main concern is letting my work know with enough notice so that I can finish up my experiments before I have to take time off to take care for our a baby.

Our agency actually wanted an employment verification for the home study process, but I got it waived b/c I told my SW about my boss wanting to fire a woman for being pregnant! I couldn't have handled telling them while we were going through the home study - that really seemed to early for me. Do people that are trying to conceive tell their bosses about their monthly cycles?? Well I hope not!

I think I might wait a while, but not sure if I'll wait 6 months.....of course it normally takes me a while to get the nerve up to ask/tell my boss anything, so maybe I should tell myself I will tell him tomorrow and 6 months from now I may actually do it :-)


-Melissa

[LisaCA]

this is a difficult question. my dh does work at a large aerospace company and he did let his boss know while we were doing our paperwork that sometime down the line (we hoped this summer) he would be taking time off at the drop of a hat to travel and pick up our child. His boss was fine, mostly because my husband has about a year's vacation built up and was afraid to say anything lest he take it all:-). not to fear, dh's workaholic nature kicked in and he went back to work after a week, much to my dismay.

my job was another story. everyone knew we planned to adopt, but no one asked. I too work as a tenure tracked professor. turns out our health plan was based on disability, thus only pregnant women are allowed to take it. As with most things at colleges, this is "negotiable" based on the authority you have at the college. I decided, after much thinking, just to finish working this academic year and then leave my job. I turned in my resignation last week. I don't plan to be a stay-at-home mom most of the time, but I would like more time with my daughter and I felt that academia didn't allow the flexibility I thought it would. In fact, dh and I are going insane trying to handle two fulltime jobs (and this is with a nanny!). So I suspect I'll work part time as an adjunct or find another type of work, maybe as an independent research consultant, who knows. To be honest I really hated parts of my job (the endless committee meetings, the bs, the increasingly high standards placed on the untenured because of all the people who want our jobs, being judged by those who haven't published in decades, the list goes on. As academics our work day begins in the early morning and doesn't end til we go to bed, and that didn't allow for any time really to be spent with my family. I felt that one workaholic per family was probably all we needed. to say the school was shocked when I turned in my resignation is an understatement. Now all i have to do is win the lottery:-). Actually when you factor in the nanny I was bringing home very little, another joy of academia. Our school has a daycare but your child needs to be 2 years old. exactly what you're supposed to do with her til then seems to be up to you:-).

that's just my experience, and with everything in academia, it depends on your power and status in your little academic pond. Everyone was very supportive of my adoption plans, just as long as I keep teaching and researching and publishing.

good luck and I hope it works out for you. It has for many academics that I know.

lisaCA

[terry2ferg]

Thanks LisaCA - its nice to have an opinion of someone in academia! I am actually still a postdoc and just work for a tenured professor. Unfortunately, he is a really old school boys club kinda guy.....he doesn't feel that women who have children before they are tenured will ever by tenured AND has even been known to tell female graduate students he wouldn't support them if they ended up pregnant! Ugh - didn't know this when I accepted the job almost 2 years ago.

Although for some reason I am really optimistic that he'll let me reduce my hours to 3 or 4 days a week after we adopt. If he won't I plan on staying there to finish up some stuff in the lab and moving on. I know doing that could really hurt my chance of getting a tenure-track position somewhere down the road, but I'm not even sure if that is what I want anymore. Like you said its a lot of hours and I wouldn't even be doing what I really love -the research!

It actually really stinks b/c for the past year (with infertility treatments first, now the adoption stuff) I feel I have really isolated myself from my school/work friends. None of them know anything about all of this, although I am sure most of them would be very supportive. I am just afraid of the wrong people finding out (i.e. my boss).

My husband also told his work when we first started the paperwork. He needed to take a day off for the intensive weekend (adoption workshop) and figured it was easiest to just be upfront. Of course he also felt comfortable telling them about our infertility treatments - mainly so he didn't have to keep making up excuses for missing work. His job is very understanding and supportive. No fair!

OK I've babbled on long enough. Thanks for your story LisaCA - it was helpful!

-m