[jennied]

Hello - I'm just wondering when you guys felt like this was real and that you were really going to bring home a baby some day. Right now it feels the same as when we were hoping that we'd some day become pregnant. Like it's still part of a dream that we really can't start believing yet. When do we allow ourselves to participate in the joy of anticipation rather than feeling cautious and doubtful? I want to stop feeling like I'm not allowed to look at clothes or furniture or car seats or strollers. I want to stop feeling bad when friends tell me they are expecting. When does it all start to feel real?

Thanks,
Jennifer

[lisa in venice]

The first time around I didn't believe it was going to happen. That was one of the things that made the wait extra hard for me. That was with an agency where they took care of everything. It all seemed to happen in the dark (or that's how I felt). I could not do the nursery or buy clothes because I had no idea of hoe long our wait would be. I could not stand the idea of an empty nursery.

When I went independent I was actively searching and that made me feel more connected to the process.

lisa

[Leigh131313]

Jennie,

What you wrote really hit home.....I felt the same way when we were going through the process. When i started telling people that we were matched, it actually felt like i was lying. I think it just comes from all of the let down...in our experience, nothing EVER worked out...so we never really believed it would. But it did, just as it will for you.
Good Luck Jennie
Leigh

[jennied]

Thanks. I'm meeting a friend for dinner tonight who just found out she is pregnant and although I'm so glad we are going the adoption route, I want to be able to share the experience of planning with her. I'd like to go and look at things with her and be able to feel like I will be buying this for myself soon FOR REAL, not just in my mind hoping. *sigh* It's one of the big things our agency talks about. The loss of not being able to plan and having to give up control. It's difficult and sometimes I tire of taking the high ground and repeating my mantra of "it will happen when it's meant to happen."

[DebCsMom]

For me it didn't feel real until I held the baby in my arms. But then a WHOLE NEW set of worries come to play. Once the papers are signed you can feel it real!

I know what you mean about feeling upset when you find out friends, family or even strangers are pregnant. I would congratulate them & then later bawl my eyes out. I would see pregnant women & hate them. I would be in a store, hear a baby cry & have to run out of the store because I was about to bawl myself. MANY times I left my cart in a store!!!

It'll happen. In the mean time there is nothing wrong with buying things for your baby.

Deb

[jennied]

I think we will do that this weekend as a treat. I think it will make both of us feel more involved. Maybe we will work with the dogs (we have three) to start preparing them for a baby. That would be fun. Thanks for all the kind words.

[LoveRiddenDad]

I agree the first time it doesn't feel real until you're holding a child. The second time around, I was calm and sure; all I had to do was wait.

I agree with Deb. Don't feel like you can't purchase things for a baby. Someday you might be so rushed there's no time.

[tomandcate]

Hi jennied,

Although my agency also cautions us that we are likely to face at least one failed match on the road to adoption, they (and their track record) also tell us that this will happen, the only question is "when."

They also emphasize to us that there is no guarantee that a match will not happen at the last minute, as in a Friday night phone call that says, "You need to be at the hospital tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m., the baby was born last night." This scenario happened twice recently for them. They strongly urged us to purchase a car seat now, in case we find ourselves in that situation.

Additionally, because we do not have any room that could quickly be converted to a nursery (or any suitable furniture) we started looking at furniture, deciding what to do with the room, etc. Two weeks ago, we ordered the furniture - it will take another 4-6 weeks to arrive, several weeks after our approval and official waiting begins. It's hard because of course we have no idea for whom we're buying things (boy or girl) but there are plenty of moms in that situation, right? It almost makes it more fun...more of a challenge...

And I can tell you, if you don't already know, that researching car seats and strollers and...everything...is exhausting, mostly mentally because there are so many choices! It can take a lot of time and energy, and there is no reason you cannot or should not start now. There are so many sites with product and parent reviews of baby products, it might as well be a full time job.

Of course we are just about to finish our home study, which is full of action and planning, so it is easy for me to feel more of a momentum, like things are moving forward, and it's easier to maintain the "this is going to happen for us" feeling. Once our HS is approved, I'm sure I will have more of the same feelings you are having...I think it's unavoidable.

And wouldn't you know it...our good friends (they are one of our references for the adoption, and we often babysit their 2-year-old) just told us that they are pregnant again - these are older parents who were in no way planning another...she was on birth control. I had a moment of "Why not me?" - that's just natural - but I am so happy anytime anyone gets pregnant...I think they were kind of scared/embarrassed to tell us actually, which is crazy. We could not be happier for them (we were probably happier for them than they were for themselves, until the shock wore off )

Hold fast to your hope and faith that this will happen (never fast enough, but it will) and you will become parents one day. Read books on motherhood, raising kids, special challenges of adoption, etc...our agency is requiring us to read some really good books and I think you can spend the "waiting time" in so many meaningful ways, educating yourself and exploring your impending parenthood....and this will make you feel like the wait is worthwhile because you are preparing, taking what action you can.

Hope this helps a little,

Cate

[GreenThumb]

Hi Jennied,

It felt real to me when one Christmas we opened a tiny box with tiny red and white striped socks from my sister in law. It was all about being acknowledged by others and knowing that our families believed and were excited for us.

It took almost another year before our son arrived, but I could look at those socks and know that some day we would have a little person to wear them.

And then it gets extremely real when baby is placed in your arms for the first time. Our son's birthmom handed him to me and called me "Mommy." I knew then that it was happening and I didn't have to be afraid any more.

[jillned]

Hi Jennied,
If it's any consolation, we've had our nursery ready since March. I am very much a planner and like to feel completely organized(which of course I never am, I just think that I am). I have been stockpiling baby wipes and different size diapers as though they will stop making them one day. But I look at everything that I've done and know that hopefully very soon, I will put everything to use. We are eagerly awaiting the arrival of a baby boy that will be born tomorrow(the 18th) and hope and pray that this will be "the one." Today I installed the car seat in the car and put the little window shade things in there as well. I have to admit, I felt silly going to Babies R Us and registering when I am clearly not pregnant, but it does get tiring having to explain to every person that crosses my path the fact that we're adopting. Anyway, I hope this helps.

Jill

[LisaCA]

hi jennifer,

It didn't feel real to me until they bundled her in the car and sent me on my way with her. Then I was scared to death. I felt the same way getting married. It didn't feel real until the music started and I was to walk down the aisle. I freaked, just like I did when I drove off with christiane. I guess nothing ever seems real to me until the very last minute:-).

Our facilitator told us when to move on to the next stage, which was when our homestudy was complete and our brochure was being handed out. She told us to go ahead and start planning, since it could happen at any time. That was when we started looking for stuff, and she was right, it only took 5 weeks after that:-). Still, we kept everything secret until she was home with us.

btw, the research making decisions on a crib, mattress, stroller, what to register for, etc., took forever it seemed, so maybe an early start isn't too bad.

LisaCA

[MNelson]

It didn't feel real to me until when, after our son was only a few hours old, I went back to the condo that we'd been holed up in for three weeks, watching satellite tv (we don't have any tv at home, so that was a treat!), stood dumstruck inside the doorway, looking around at what was so familiar and mundane and thinking .... everything's changed! How can everything look exactly the same when my whole life is different?

We had only bought the carseat up until the time we had to leave town for his birth, but since he was three weeks late we had plenty of time to do internet research, poll friends and family with baby experience, and order stuff online. And my sister surprised us with a crib and changing table upon our return home (she's a pro yard sale shopper). Our friends then planned a baby shower after our return home.

Don't get me wrong ... I highly recommend enjoying the shopping and reasearching, and feeling like you are expecting ... we just didn't have any time!

[themissus]

Jennie,
I felt kind of out of control, so like these other ladies, I bought . I bought everything we would need for the baby, even stuff I'm pretty sure now, we won't use. The nursery has been painted (green) and the everything down to the stroller assembled (which is a good idea with anything you buy because you never know what may be missing). I go to stores when they have sales and buy clothes, socks, hats, etc. (mostly blue, call it a gut feeling). I trust in God and believe that one day we will have a baby to wear these clothes, and lay in this crib, so why not show my trust by making sure everything is ready to go. It takes a long time to really find what you want. The ladies are right, research, research, research. You'll come across that perfect car seat and just know its the one. I felt like it was real when I saw my husband painting the nursery. A good quote can be found in Psalms 113:9. It reads "He sets the barren woman in her home as the happy mother of children." Trust.