[themissus]

I am new here and my husband and I are in the adoption process (we will complete our homestudy and be approved on Oct. 6th). I have lots of questions, but one of the big ones is what happens on baby day? We decided that it would be best for our sanity to not know that we have been "chosen" until the birthmother signs. I just wonder what happens when we get the call. Any info would be greatly appreciated

[katieb31323]

I really don't know how that would work. It seems most situations are matched before any termination papers are signed. Maybe my daughters story might give you a little idea????

We have adopted twice and both "matches" were made after baby was born but before "papers" were signed. My DD's was the fastest. We received a call around noon the a pbmom had choosen us to parent her daughter and wanted us to meet that afternoon. We did meet at 4pm on that Monday. The next day we meet again at noon and were introduced to our daughter (foster mom brought her, she was 4 days old at that point) In that state birthparents did not have to go to court. The lawyer we hired for her came to the agency were we were meeting and met with her and she signed the papers while we were in the other room talking with her Mother and holding our now daughter. Then she came back and we went with the social worker for awhile and signed a bunch of papers and such. It gave our daughters birthmother some time alone with her again too. Then the social worker suggested we go to dinner, but DD birthmother said she needed to get going and we understood that as it had been a long emotional afternoon..... I am so glad we had that time so I at least have a little idea of what she was/is like so I can share that with my daughter. We talked some more and then about 4pm went home with our daughter. We enjoy a semi-open adoption with her as we live over 1100 miles apart now.

Good luck to you!
Katie

[Support2Adopt]

Originally posted by themissus
We decided that it would be best for our sanity to not know that we have been "chosen" until the birthmother signs. I just wonder what happens when we get the call. Any info would be greatly appreciated

A word of caution here. Just because a Birthmother signs, it doesn't mean the adoption is set in stone. There is a period of time in which she can change her mind. Depending on the type of adoption that you do and the state you adopt from, the time could be, (for example,) 24 hours. However, it might be three months.
You mentioned that you don't want to know about the baby until the papers are signed. Does this mean you are only looking for a closed adoption?
Closed adoptions do happen, although the norm these days is for an open or semi-open adoption.
Please ask all the questions you have. This is a great board!
JJ

[79nic]

JJ,

I hope you don't take this wrong way... I know you are trying to help themissus, and you make a good point.

But just wanted to say that in some states, there isn't a revocation period.

Also, I imagine if she's made it clear to her agency or attorney that they don't want any legal-risk at all, they will understand that that means they don't want "the call" until the revocation period (if there is one) is passed.

Good luck, missus!

[Dublin]

I don't think that would work either. If you are going for an open adoption I would not reccomend it and would think you would want to be there to get to know, love and support the mother of the baby she has agreed to hand over to you.

[DebCsMom]

Adoptions like you are hoping for don't happen all that often. Most times the PBMom wants a face to face if at all possible, before the birth. At least a phone conversation. It puts a warmer more relaxed feeling when you can actually see the family or hear them. You can pick up on alot of things that a Profile just doesn't show.

With our first adoption we met the Bmom a few weeks prior to the birth & then had frequent phone conversations. With our second it all happened so fast that we were able to speak with our daughters Grandfather while "M" was in labor. We met them 1 1/2 days later. It was VERY fast so really impossible to much more than that. We got the call that we had been chosen on a tuesday & our daughter was born Thursday. With our 3rd adoption, we live in WI & Bmom is in OH. We talked on the phone very often until the baby was born a few weeks later. We actually met 12 hours after our son was born. Didn't make it to the hospital in time for the birth.

I can understand how you are feeling. You want to avoid that possible pain of losing the baby. But it is such an AWESOME feeling getting to know each other before the birth. You can get a sense of each other. Get to know so much more about each other. SO much to ba able to tell your child. Will it be painful to get to know the PBMom, plan with her, dream with her & then have to adoption fail?? YOU BET IT WILL!! But you will grieve & then begin to prepare for the next adoption. I wouldn't have wanted to miss those times with our children's BMom for the world!! I have a bond with them that began then.

Just a thought to throw at you. What if after you get that call that the baby is born, you meet the Bmom & find out you just don't get along at all!? That can post problems as well. The relationship you build with your child & the Bmom won't be an easy one if you don't like each other or are uncomfortable with each other. If you meet prior & there is just something that just doesn't seem right, or just doesn't feel right, you both have the opportunity to back out because it isn't right. You know what I mean?

Good Luck!

Deb

Deb

[lisa in venice]

I had two agencies that worked just like described here. With the first one the baby was born and the birth parents chose from profiles. The couples being considered are not notified until AFTER the birth parents go to court to terminate their rights (effective immediately). The court hearing happens after SIX WEEKS of the baby either in the birth paprents's care or in fostercare.

I guess in some ways if you have a certain temperament where each time you are shown you will be devistated if not chosen but I was far more aggitated by not knowing anything. You try to lead your life with the knowledge that anytime in the next TWO YEARS you could get a call out of the blue to come pick up a baby. It was nerve wracking

We only waited 3 months but I could barely stand it. The uncertainty just made me crazy. I also felt like I was the only one as concerned with finding a baby for our family because I wasn't getting the feed back of how often I was being considered. All of the IF green monster stuff was majorly magnified. It wasn't like that in the homestudy process because I was actively doing something to bring my baby home but during the wait I was a basket case. I felt helpless waiting for others to act on my behalf. I am not good at either waiting or depending on others.

To the OP, when our first baby was placed I got a phone call about a baby that was legally free and waiting in fostercare, would we be interested? Since he was six months old instead of six week we had to meet him once then vistit him in the fosterhome, then take him home. We got the call one day and met him at the agency later that day. That afternoon we went out an bought all of the stuff we had picked out (since I couldn't stand to have an empty nursery we had to get EVERYTHING). It was this crazy whirlwind shoppping trip. We spent the night putting togeter the crib, dresser etc, washing the onesies and clothes etc.

The next day we figured out how to get the carseat into the backseat and went to pick him up in his foster home. We spent time with the foster family (we still write and email them 15 years later) , signed the placement papers and packed him up and took him home.

With my dd we had another agency that worked in a similar way. We were chosen for our dd but had to meet her birth mom and her family the day before we picked up Rachel. So again we knew we were THE ONES and meeting was more of a formality. We met at the agency and spent about two hours just talking. We brought a photo album and talked about our family. The only thing I thought about doing and still regret to this day was giving her the phone number of our parents so that she could always contact us no matter where we moved, our parents would know how to reach us.

The next day we drove to the fosterhome with our two year old ds and picked up our dd, signed papers and took lots of pictures. BTW my kids used to love seeing the pictures of their placement day just like my younger ds loves looking at pictures of his birth (open adoption) so be sure to bring your camera.

I understand the need to protect your heart but the chance to get to know your children's birth parents is so worth the risk. The ability to share those stories with your child and build that bond with the birth family is a real blessing.

lisa

[Support2Adopt]

Originally posted by 79nic
JJ,

I hope you don't take this wrong way... I know you are trying to help themissus, and you make a good point.

But just wanted to say that in some states, there isn't a revocation period.

Not taken the wrong way at all and always open to learning the changes in adoption!
Which states do you refer to? To my knowledge, I have not yet heard of a state where once the potential Birthmother signs the papers, there is no time at all to change her mind. The shortest time period I have heard of is the closing of a business day.
Also, to your knowledge, is this for agency, independent, or both types of adoption?
JJ

[79nic]

Hi JJ,

Honestly I don't have all the state laws memorized, I am not that adoption savvy! So I could be wrong, of course.

Last I knew, though, SC did not have a revocation period.... thought there was another, but of course could be wrong....



Maybe in SC they do have till close of business day, though??? Not sure.

N

[numbr1dbcksfan]

AZ has no revocation period either. But I suppose if it isnt filed in court and is torn up.... then that could be considered revokation!

[GreenThumb]

Indiana has no revocation period unless fraud or duress can be shown. We live in Indy and adopted here 6 months ago. One HUGE reason that counseling for birthparents is so important before baby is born.

[34andhopeful]

But with AZ - the birthmom cannot sign the papers until 72 hours after birth but once the pen lifts off of the paper - there is no revocation. That is why we adopted in AZ.

But, I will say, those 72 hours - were like an eternity!

[jillned]

I agree with 34andhopeful and Greenthumb. We live in Illinois and it has similar adoption laws as Arizona and Indiana.

[jillned]

I agree with 34andhopeful and Greenthumb. We live in Illinois and it has similar adoption laws as Arizona and Indiana.

[Support2Adopt]

Wow! I know this probably won't be a popular viewpoint among those trying to adopt, but I don't like the idea of not having a revocation period, although I am glad that at least in AZ, the potential Birthmother has to wait to sign.


JJ