[cmoore]

Hi, I am new to this forum and have been reading a lot of the messages and replies, and have found them quite uplifting. My husband and I are now in the process of adopting a baby. We have chosen to do a private adoption vs an agency. As you may know, going thru a private adoption we will actually be talking to prospective b'mom on the phone. Although I am totally excited about the process, and getting the ball rolling I am quite scared of my first phone call and what to say to her or questions I should or shouldn't ask.

Has anyone who has been thru this process have any suggestions?

Thanks and God bless!
Carol

[Support2Adopt]

Hi Carol and welcome!
First off, whether going through a private adoption or agency adoption, the opportunity is there to speak to a potential Birthmother over the phone.
As nervous as you might be, most likely the potential Birthmother will be nervous as well.
The most important thing is to just be yourself. If you're nervous, it's OK to tell her that.
I would keep the first conversation on a lighter note. Let her call the shots and ask the questions. Offer to answer any questions she may have. Please let her feel like she is an important person for who she is, not just because she is carrying a baby that one day may be yours.
Ask her about her hobbies and interests. Talk to her about what kind of contact she would like to have after placement. Encourage her to ask you questions.
Hope this helps!
JJ

[MrsSmith]

Hi,

We also did an independent adoption, complete with a toll-free number that forwarded to my cell phone if we weren't home, so we were "on call" potentially 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. YES it can be nervewracking!

A few things DH and I discovered in the process of answering the "baby phone" include:

- a lot of the time, the expectant parent is waaaaay more nervous and unsure of what to say than you are! We found that it helped to have a sort of "preamble" ready to start into in case the person calling didn't really know what to say. This actually happened maybe 3 or 4 times; the caller was there but was quiet, so we would then say "Thanks so much for calling; we assume you are calling about our potential adoptive parent profile? Let me tell you a little bit about us......" and then we'd just give a sort of introductory blurb. That seemed to give the caller a few moments to adjust to the call and to (hopefully) see that we were friendly and easy to talk to. Each time, the person calling would respond to our intro blurb and begin talking.

- people were more inclined to hang up if they heard a man's voice on the phone (ie when DH would answer it) so I became the "primary answerer" whenever possible. A few times someone would call, hang up when hearing DH answer, then call back and actually talk when I'd answer instead. HOWEVER, there were some callers who, later on after we'd been talking, appreciated that I offered to have DH talk to them too, and then they did, in fact, talk with him for a bit. I'd say "Well, my husband is here and he'd love to speak with you if you'd like and he'd be happy to answer any questions you might have...." and there they'd go!

- be prepared for lots of hang-ups and even crank calls. Don't let them get you down. One weekend we had hang-ups repeatedly all day Sat and Sun. The caller finally got up the nerve to actually talk to us late, late, LATE Sunday night.

We really just tried to put ourselves in the caller's shoes in terms of how it must feel to pick up the phone and call someone you've never met. We found that the more prepared we were to just start talking and giving info about ourselves, the easier it was - and also not asking lots of questions right off the bat to the caller helped too.

Hope this info is helpful. Good luck to you in your adoption journey!

Heather

[cmoore]

Hi Heather,

Thank you so much for your help. I am very glad that I was led to this website and to find so many willing to share their experience and knowledge, as well as to find those with same concerns. Although it may seem at times like a rocky, unstable road, I am confident that all will go well. Besides, is it not true that the "greatest things in life are those that don't come easy".

Thank you again and God bless
Carol