[Disconnected]

I was the fiancee of a birthmother, but more than that, I was the other person who was responsible for the decision to place the child for adoption.

This child was born out of a night of drunken bliss, and we were given an ultimatum by the bfather...it was either the bmom and the baby in his home, or nothing. He would send the support he was required, but nothing else. In his words "It's all or nothing".

We fought hard over what the right decision was, in retrospect I'm not sure a right decision can be found with so many feelings of anger and mistrust swirling after infidelity. We took a long hard look at the easy route..."end it now", abort. The road to this decision took a few weeks, and by then I had decided that i would stay and attempt to support my fiancee and be any strength I could. The whole abortion process left me out in the dark with no way to support her, and made her feel alienated...we decided this wasn't the right way.

We started asking friends who had adopted what their experiences and days were like, and exploring online aparent profiles. We struggled with the reasons adoption would be the best for the child, and the best for the children we already had.

my reasons were: we already had 4 kids that were stretching our resources thin, I didn't feel that in the years to come I would be able to look at this child and guarantee that some remorse or scorn wouldn't enter my heart, I selfishly thought it would limit the contact with the bfather.

Our contact with agencies and potential aparents came early in the pregnancy...I found myself picking couples whom I wished had raised me...a life for the child I could never have...or give.

Fast Forward....We found a wonderful couple, they are awesome parents and true friends, but 6 months after the birth, the Bfather has decided he wants to reenter and find out about his child...WONDERFUL! but his way of doing this is by inviting my fiancee to dinner at quiet, romantic places...or by inviting her to weekend races with him and his family, or asking her over to his house to look at pictures. He has never asked or respected that we are still struggling in this relationship.

Furthermore, all the anger of placing is now aimed at me...It's my fault we had to place "their" child for adoption. My fiancee has bought his mantra hook-line and sinker. He has become an unsung hero for wanting to learn about "thier" child.

I stayed in the relationship and made decisions that still affect me greatly....I stayed and made the tough decisions, he distanced himself until the painful decisions were made.

I now get to carry 95% of the blame for placing "their" child, 100% of personal guilt for not being more of man and raising the child as my own.

My name on here is Disconnected, because I get to carry much of the guilt, but none of the glory of placing a child in a home free of anger and malice.

As a side note....the aparents have been super supportive of me, whether I stay in this relationship or not....we will be friends for life.

Comments, suggestions, and reactions are welcomed...yes, even the bad ones.

[wroughtnharv]

It never ceases to amaze me how we as humans think. We are cuckolded by two cheaters and then are surprised when they cheat again.

I think you have a pattern there. If you can deal with it then do so. If you can't. Then save yourself and give up trying to save her. Evidently she isn't buying it.

My first response was to encourage you to keep in contact with the child. Now I'm having second thoughts about giving you permission to do that.

Your anger at her and him and your doubts about being a father to the result of their drunken fling suggests you're not ready to be a true friend to a child that needs all those he can get.

Count your blessings. You saved a child a ton of heartache. Now look at your situation and give yourself some consideration. Save yourself.

She wants him for being him. That's while she wants you for being you. If you can't live with that, run, fast, hard, away.

[Disconnected]

We had the child naturally...with the doctor and nurse midwife, and aparents present.

It was awesome to see the joy in their eyes, and the naturally protective motherly instinct the bmom had.

I have no animosity toward the child, quite to the contrary, It's my weakness as an adult with social hang ups and learned responses that I worry about....If I had animosity toward the child....abortion would have been my request.

At our last meeting (we went for his christening) I held him and we both took a nap for awhile...I have feelings for the child and that is what allowed us to place him in a loving home that can offer him love all the time....without the doubt that may enter my mind from time to time.

This whole ordeal threatens to undermine a family of 6 (4 kids, 2 parents)...Is it cruel to be mad that it was perfectly fine in the bfathers eyes to rip my family apart, but I'm the bast*** now for him not having the chance to raise his child.

I think life after is also biting us in the rear...the bfather is much older and has been single (read: one child at home...16yrs old) for a few years. He has had time to buy all those things a struggling family of 6 cannot easily afford. He is also able to take her out to dinner, because I am at home watching the kids I love very much.

He walked out of his childs life...and now is back to reap the benefits when it's to late to actually have any responsibility.

Thanks for the words wrought...not sure I need the sweet touchy-feely advice anyways.

[Blue Irish Eyes]

I am a little confused here...you have 4 kids with your lady? And in a moment of drunken bliss she gets with this guy and has a child which, because of financial strain, you cannot support. And the bfather wanted nothing to do with the child unless your lady had the baby moved in with him? And just what did that heel expect her to do with the other 4 wee ones?

What a mess! First you and your lady did the right thing by getting the child out of that arena..if it is confusing for readers imagine what this would do to the child...

However, there is one problem and that may be that the natural father did not give his permission to relinquish the baby so maybe he will have grounds to intrude on the adoptive parents...I think you should get a lawyer, your lady must STOP meeting with this old jerk,and maybe you both need counselling to sort out what is really going on here. You have 4 kids..I am assuming they are yours together, right? You and your lady have an obligation to those children, they come first. The little one who is with an adoptive family needs protection and if the adoptive parents are not aware of what is going on they need to be...if this guy comes marching up to their front door...whooboy...it won't be pretty. Actually it is maybe the adoptive parents who need the lawyer! And since you are not the biological father it seems to me your role is to be surpportive to the bmom. Dump the guilt..don't let her or that chump make you carry that around. And if your lady is unwilling to get counselling with you, and those other 4 kids are yours..get full custody and get out of there.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Disconnected,

Strange. My fiance and I have a similar story to yours, though no children of our own. If you would like to talk to either myself or him, please let me know. I watched him become emotionally attached to my child and then have to deal with letting her go. He was ready to parent when that was on the plate and then, instead, had to try and distance himself. Are you sure you're the only one carrying the guilt? Because I see my fiance and his pain at having to know that Munchkin is no longer with us... and I hurt. Physically and emotionally. I wish I had never put him through the emotional roller coaster of misery.

If you want to talk to him, let me know. I'd have to prep him with your story. He does try to distance himself a bit from everything as his way of dealing.

And, as for your question in the title, due to the fact that Josh was around and the birthfather was not during the adoption decision process, he is very much considered a relative by the adoptive family. Munchkin, during visits, acts as though she remembers his voice because he used to talk to her in my tummy. We have become extended family.

I wish you the best.

[Disconnected]

Sorry for being unclear....

the bfather signed his rights away....and the aparents finalize this week.

I to had to sign my rights away...since their was a slight chance the child was mine(he's a clone of his father).

2 of the 4 children are from her first marriage, the last 2 are ours together.

Thats was the part i didn't understand....He never mentioned the other kids in all his "planning"...only told how much he could treat her like a queen.

A queen like his 3 former wives.....

[Disconnected]

SchmennaLeigh,

I guarded this child more than any child of ours...It became a treasured gift to 2 very wonderful people.

I remember my fiancee almost falling down our stairs at around 26 weeks...I literally caught her, and then out of fear started scolding her for not being careful.

I'm just very hurt that after all we went through....times have gotten a little hard, she's quickly jumped on the bfathers bandwagon.

the hardest part is...i love her so much..I cannot be mad at her for long. I blame myself.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally posted by Disconnected
the hardest part is...i love her so much..I cannot be mad at her for long. I blame myself.

Please do not blame yourself. Please.

I am sorry to hear that she was so quick to jump on his bandwagon. Do note that coupled with placement grief, post-partum depression and hormone changes can cause birthmothers to range wildly in how they react to people and situations. I know that I wasn't myself for a good ... oh ... few months post-placement.

I know that you love her. It is obvious by your words and your emotion. Is your fiancee receiving any counseling? This situation really screams for not only one-on-one counseling for her, you, and others involved, but COUPLES counseling for the two of YOU. And please don't think that I'm saying that as a derogatory comment. Sometimes we need an impartial person to help us through things. We can't always see both sides of the story when we are blinded by other emotions and factors.

Hang in. You are in my prayers.

[michellemartin]

Jeez what a situation! Well I guess what I would do if my fiance were meeting with another man for dinners and weekend races, I would say, dont bother coming home. I would feel as if she did not care about my feelings about her meeting with another man, and not even discreetly! But while I watch the 4 children we had together! For me if I were in that situation, I wouldnt need a second to think about it, she would not be with me, but thankfully I am not and hopefully never will be. I can say that I may forgive my boyfriend of a one night fling, but if he were to ever ever see her again no matter what the circumstances, I would not be able to forgive that. I dont care if it is a dinner to discuss thier child if they ended up having one. Although if he were to cheat and she were to have a baby, I would probably say I would not be able to live with the daily reminder. You are much more forgiving than I am to be able to forgive that from her.
I would tell her to make her choice and if she can choose between you or him. It seems as if she would have a tough time figuring what to do with her children if she were to choose him. Dont let people take advantage of you just because you feel guilty. That wont get either of you anywhere in the end.

[Cheryl62]

Wow - what a mess. It does sound like what was done was best for the child. And absent severe coercion on your part, I see no reason for them to blame you. If he wanted to parent, he didn't have to sign his rights away. How can he hold you responsible for the adoption, when it sounds like he wasn't willing to let her parent the child with you (only if she moved in with him, right? and without her other kids?).

Maybe in her mind she made a choice between you and the baby? I'm not saying there was a way to avoid that choice given the circumstances - I'm just saying that she may have a hard time separating what was the right choice given what IS, from what she may have WISHED was, if that makes any sense?

It sounds to me like she is feeling a lot of guilt and pain, and it's easier to direct these things onto someone else sometimes, than to deal with our own part in it. As for him - well, it sounds like to me he's just using that as a way to get to her, and get her away from you. I understand your hurt, and your love. But I don't think you need to accept blame. They are adults. They made their own mistakes and choices.

My questions are: What does he want? Her alone? Or her and her four children (even leaving aside his child)? Has she thought about that? Is she willing to walk away from some or all of her children to be with this guy?

If so - you gotta ask yourself if the relationship with her is worth fighting for. Maybe it is -- maybe she's just under terrible emotional strain and guilt, and is acting irrationally. But maybe not. In which case, you need to ask yourself what you are willing to accept for these four children of yours. Unless you've adopted them, you may not have any legal rights to her two children, but you certainly do to the other two. Is the father of her two still in the picture somehow?

What does she say about the kids? Does she think she should have gone to him and left them behind? Does she want to now? Or to take some of them and separate siblings? Answers to those questions may give you some clarity about where her thinking is now -- whether it's just spinning stories about "might have beens" - or whether she's really willing to leave you, leave your kids, separate siblings, whatever, just for this guy.

Boy - I don't envy you..... I can't begin to offer any good advice - just support and sympathy -- for you and for your kids.

[BrandyHagz]

I feel like the whole story isn’t all here.

I know the birthmom in question and I know you and the kids…I don’t think she just waltzed back into his life…I believe there were underlying issues that made that “reunion” take place.

Reading the story as you wrote it, ya she’s not doing right…but knowing the story first hand…I dunno, I think this is her way of finding closure. She had no other choice…you have to think about why she is where she is in the first place.

She loves you too…she tells me every time I talk to her. I think there is much more in your relationship that needs work than just this issue.

I agree with the poster above, I think you guys need to get into some counseling. I think other things in your lives need to be reevaluated and prioritized.

There is more going on than the adoption.

[Blue Irish Eyes]

Thanks for the clairification on the children.

Since the bfather signed his rights away he has no grounds to try to be involved in the baby's life now. It would be so disruptive to the baby and the adoptive parents. And it is reassuring to know the baby is with parents who adore him.

It is time for you to unload the guilt. First of all the child ( and I know you have deep feelings for the child...as you said if you didn't abortion would have been the easiest way to deal with this situation) which was born out of a night of drunken bliss was with a man other than you...in fact you should view this as having given the child a second birth...the baby was born into a very confusing situation with lots of stress and upheaval and then was born again into a family who loves it dearly...maybe that will help you.

That said, I go back to the view that a family therapist would be helpful. Your lady is confused and is making poor decisions now. She must stop seeing this ..sorry I can't help it..Creep...now. Both you need to get some help one on one and perhaps joint family sessions too. You have children who need you and this is so important for them that your family life be secure. In fact, since they were old enough to see that mom had a baby that she didn't keep, it is important for them to understand that they will not be relinquished..it may be a fear they harbor but don't speak about.

And try not to be angry at the kids mom...she is going through her own misery now and needs support..but so do you.

[Disconnected]

Your totally correct brandyhagz...there is alot more.

Did you realize she has had dinner, and lunch with him almost every other day....she has visited his house, until after midnight. she has put him, before her kids night after night. Work is one thing, but staying with him until midnight...night after night...it's sometimes 2 or 3 days in between when the kids see her.

Even with me out of the picture, which was your advice to her..."tell him to get a job or hit the road", He's not good for the rest of her family. He doesn't take into consideration that she has 4 other children....It's very easy to have princess status when you do not have to worry about the responsibilities you already have.

Has she mentioned to you that we agreed and arranged that the best thing for the kids right now was for me to stay at home with them for awhile, and work part time. Then comes home 3 days later and ask's for my ring, and tells me I either find work or I'm out.

I respect that he is a bfather, but I do not respect his insistent attempts to split my family apart, nor do I respect her for accepting his overtures. She has admitted to not "acting" like she's in a relationship when talking to men for awhile.

Our counselor told her before...If she doesn 't control her bi-polar.....our life would remain a roller coaster.

And trust me...the rest of the story...including my bout of infidelity will be told eventually.

Yesterday was a very depressive, angry and guilt ridden day, and this was the only outlet I could find.

[Disconnected]

Originally posted by BrandyHagz


She loves you too…she tells me every time I talk to her.

This is more than she will tell me.

She took my ring off, and took hers off, and now will not tell me she loves me.

She wants me to go get a job, and when I'm making good money, she will talk about getting a relationship. Should your husband do that since your not working?
Should you kick him to the curb for taking the hit in overtime pay?

I think not.

and no, I will not mention her nickname...I do not wish to hurt her persona on this site...just try to work out some of the feelings I'm having with the bfather, and child.

[Disconnected]

This chapter of rage ends today.

She decided she no longer wants to work on or pursue this relationship.

I appreciate all who have tried to inform and direct my anger to a positive side.

For all that know her...she will need you in the coming months more than I...

It was me who gave her the nickname she uses on this site...

she was my wingless angel....around 5 years ago god seen that I was down and depressed.
he knew that any normal flying angel would be to high for the depths i had reached in life. So he snipped the wings off an angel and let her float to the ground, where we could walk side by side through life. My angels wings are sprouting once again.

she will always be remembered in my heart as my wingless angel, and i thank god for the wonderful times we spent together.

I am ending my membership...this is her forum, not mine.