[court5505]

This may sound weird, but here goes. My mom passed away suddenly a few years ago, before we were even TTC. Obviously it's always been very hard to think about the fact that my mom won't ever know my kids, and vice versa. However, I always kind of took comfort in "knowing" that they would be genetically related to her and that a part of her would live on within them. Now that we are unable to have a biological child and are planning to adopt, it is upsetting to me. It is the only "issue" I have with adoption right now. It's just hard to think that my kids will have no connection to my mother whatsoever. Has anyone else ever felt this way, and if so, is there anything that helped you get through it?

[Beth34]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. My mother passed away suddenly also about 2 1/2 years ago. In fact, during our last face to face conversation, she was asking when she was going to have some grandchildren. We had already started trying, but I just joked with her about it. I really wish now I would have let her know we had already started trying. I guess I don't really have an answer to your question, but I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. I guess what most bothers me is not that there won't be a genetic connection, but that my mom wanted so badly to be a grandparent, and now she will never get to, but I completely understand where you are coming from. My sister does not have any interest in having children, so our genetic lineage stops with us.
I know I plan to let my adopted child know who his/her grandmother was through stories about her and in a way, she will live on through that. I know that I will strive to be as good a parent as she was and always put my child first as she did, so her influence will always be felt in that sense. Maybe you can come up with some ways to let your child really get a sense of the person she was through stories, or favorite foods, or hobbies. That way, both of you will have fond memories of her legacy.

Take care,
Beth

[boobear]

Bless your heart love. No need to worry - if your mother were here today she would be absolutely thrilled with being the grandmother to your future child. How do I know? Because I am both an adoptive mom and the grandmother of an adopted grandchild.

I have 2 grown bio kids, one whom is married and adopted the most INCREDIBLE little girl ever!!! Grins....you can tell I am her grandma.

I am also the mom to 2 adoptive children, ages 8 and 6. My own mother died 2 years ago and I miss her so very much. She was here to know my first adoptive child but not our 2nd one who arrived last July. She adored ALL my children, adopted or bio.....and I KNOW she is up there in heaven rejoicing over our latest child.

Trust a mothers love...it goes way beyond any trivial genetic boundaries. Your mother loved you and she would love your child....no matter how that child arrives in your family.

[Victoria Lane]

I lost both my parents a couple of years ago myself. I have had a very hard time accepting that they won't be around to see my children grow up. They knew my son before they died and were very close to him. We are now adopting a little girl. I don't know how they would have felt about my decision. I think my parents would have encouraged me to be content with only having one child, and to devote myself to raising him. It doesn't worry me that she isn't related by blood to us, as I know we will love her just as much as if she was. But for some reason I do feel as if my parents wouldn't have approved so I feel a bit of discontent about our decision. I think most of the time when I feel this way, I'm feeling down in general about the wait. I'm sure when she moves in here I will have no doubt what so ever that she belongs in this family.

I hope that you too will have the feeling of a complete family soon.
Good luck,
Victoria

[court5505]

Thanks everyone! I know that my mom would be very supportive of our decision to adopt. I also know that she would adore my children. I'm going to do my very best to teach my children what a wonderful, hilarious person she was and all of the great things that I learned from her. There are plenty of stories to last a lifetime!

That being said, a part of me is still sad that they won't have any of her genetic features. I always thought, "Maybe they'll have her beautiful, blue eyes" and those kinds of things. I look at my nephew and he has some distinct features of my moms that not even my sister has. I always hoped for that in my kids too.

[artchick]

Hi Court--
I can understand your sense of loss. Our "yet unidentified child" would have been my mother's first grandchild and she was just aching to be a grandmother. She died less than a year ago and it is so difficult to think about mothering for the first time without her to coach me (even though we butted heads quite often!)

We always want our children to carry on our best family traits or something that reminds us of someone we love. Maybe your child(ren) will have your mother's sense of humor. I'm hoping that for my child.

Part of your feelings may be grief about not having a bio. child plus the grief of losing your mom. My opinion is that it is always a good idea to explore grief, feel your feelings and not try to skip over the difficult part. There is no shame in grief but it's not easy.

Amy

[MKbookworks]

My own amazing Mom passed away last december. It has been a difficult journey but, she had been sick for a while and she is at peace. I am saddened that she will not know our child - she would have loved her (we are in the process still so we don't know her either - only that we are adopting a child from China - this Spring or Summer) and she would've been proud of us for becoming parents whatever way we chose.

We have decided that our child will have Rose as a middle name after my Mom Roseann. And the first name (already chosen) will begin with a C for my Mom in law (Carol) whom I love as a Mom.

It was also I think My Mom's way of looking out for us that we can even afford to pursue and International adoption. So - I see it as a circle - closing and just because the genes are different - actually biologically speaking no two people are that dissimilar anyway - so I just am happy in knowlege that She is smiling and that she would have loved this Grandchild as much as she loved my sister's two! I like to think that she passed on her love of family in such a way that anyone would have been welcomed - so I think of it as a continuation of her in that way.

Missy

[spaypets]

Your mother's legacy is so much more than her genetics. It is there every day from what you choose to read, where you choose to worship, how you celebrate, what you like to eat. Those things will be passed on to your child.

My parents, blessedly are still with us, but I see my departed grandmother in the way my daughter juts out her chin when she's thinking (good Lord, does that mean I do it too?). She may never look like my ancestors, but I hope she will be as generous of spirit, brave and independent as they were.

[spitzlvr]

I am a 36 year old adoptee - I hope I am not butting in here. But I read this thread and felt I had to respond.

At 36, both sets of my grandparents have passed. I have wonderful memories of my grandparents, and could tell some stories!!!

I also have the stories that my parents have told me. Things that happened before I was born. I will pass these stories on to my son.

What I am trying to say is my Nanny and Grandma are mine regardless of blood. And I am their granddaughter. To this day. Blood was never a requirement. Only Love. And I got that in abundance. I never met my Dad's dad. I only knew his stepfather. It doesn't matter. I know him from stories. I know how much he would have liked me.

And while I don't have Nanny's long fingers, or Grandma's eyes, I do have Nanny's spider trick. Grandma's poker skills. Grandpa's baby dance (I do it with my son).

My grandparents live on in me - in my memories, in photos in my house, in stories I tell my son.

And I think that's what counts.

Just my 2 cents.

[2boysmom]

I have lost both of my parents. Both of them died before the age of 60. They didn't meet any of their three grandchildren. My sister has two bio children, and I have a 3 year old adopted son. What you will find is there will be some things that are like your Mom in your children, because whether you want to be or not, you are probably like your mom. My son, niece, and nephew are very similiar in personality and we know it is a direct reflextion of how much both my sister and I are like my Mother. The other funny thing is you never know what your children are going to look like. They mimic your facial expressions, which you may have mimicked from your parents, and so on... My husband and his two siblings are all adopted. What is very ironic is that all of the grandchildren on his side of the family, (none of whom are bio related to each other) all look alike. Life is funny.
I think your biggest sadness may be that you miss your Mom during this very exciting, happy, scary, and wonderful time of life. I think you would feel this way whether you were adopting or pregnant. I know I still miss my Mom every day and can understand the pain you feel. After adopting my son, he started to fill some of the sadness I still felt from the loss of my mother in my heart.

Best wishes on your adoption journey.

[Opus]

What touching tributes to parents and grandparents on this thread. My 7 yo son and 2 yo daughter (both were adopted) are very close to their grandparents, especially my wife's parents. They are all in their late 70s now and it will be difficult for the kids when they do pass on. But, as Spitzlvr said, we have our memories, photos and stories and they will live on.

My paternal grandmother (who was 95 at the time) got the chance to meet my son when he was just 3 yo (she lived very far from us). What a joy it was for my wife and I to see those two interact, like they'd always been together. She passed away a few months later and my son still talks about spending time with his great grandmother. Shared memories matter and are one of the most important aspects of how families are defined.

[court5505]

Spitz...I hope that I didn't sound like I felt that my children wouldn't be welcomed or considered my mother's grandchildren because they aren't genetically related to her. I just meant that they won't have the memories that you talk about having with your grandparents AND they won't be genetically related to her. As you all have said, this is just part of the sadness that I feel about losing my mom. I think I would even feel better if I had discussed adoption with her. I KNOW she would be totally supportive, but it is just one of many things I wish we had talked about. I think if I ever have a daughter, part of her name will be my mom's.

[MKbookworks]

Jus to lighten things up a bit - how can we NOT share our mothers (or grandmothers for that matter) with our children.. do we not BECOME our mothers (father, other ancesters etc.) I don't even have children yet - and I find myself saying the same things my Mom said - or I will gesture in some way that reminds me of her. I am a part of her - not just because she birthed me (though she did) but because she raised me. I am her - only a new improved model! LOL

We are all our mother's (and father's) also. There are things I don't remember about my Dad - he died when I was so little I can't remember too much. But I am him in some ways also.

So when I tell my students (college kids) that when I was their age yadda yadda.... I am my mother all over again. So - it will be her when you tell your kids - Because I said so (and you will say it!) Or some other helf remembered thing - I yell when I make spaghetti - I don't know why, but my Mom always did. That can't be genetic it is too ridiculous - but my Gramma yelled so I am her also.

Of course I miss my Mom, my Gramma and my Nana (great grandmother) but I know that because they had a hand in raising me They will live on... Every single time I tell my Child I love her I am repeating what they said ....etc. Just a thought.\

Missy

[LoveRiddenDad]

If you had a biological child, there's no guarentee that he or she would be anything like your mom. I agree with Spaypets; your mother is more than her genetics. To know who your mother really was and to share that is far more meaningful than showing DNA slides, which for all practical purposes, don't really exist to you as, unless you're a scientist, you don't understand them.

Don't let this discourage you from adoption. Your mother is a part of you, and you being your future child's mother, your mother is also a part of your child.

Take care,

Mike