[hs3614]

Hello. I respect each one of your opinions because I, too, have many and with mixed emotions seek your help. I am a healthy 38 year old Christian female, happily married with 4 healthy beautiful and biological children. Now, before you scream me out of hear, please hear me out . . . I want one more child, but can not have it because my husband had a vasectomy 3 years ago. Those of you who can not physically conceive I feel for you because of the fact that you have never known what it is like to carry a child. I'm sorry for the troubles that you have had and the anxiety and frustration. You probably would have feelings of bitterness toward my selfish desires to have more children. I have questions, however, because I still yearn for more children. There are remedies to this, and I don't know which, if any, road to take. I can still carry a child, although my age of 38 scares me with regard to Downs Syndrome. If the Lord saw fit for me to have a child with DS, however, I would take one gladly. Anyway, I could, use artificial insemination and go that route, have sperm removed surgically from my husband, and go that route, or - hence my coming to this forum - try adoption. Adoption, I feel is unfair because there are so many of you who don't have biological children of your own. I probably couldn't stand a chance here in the USA adopting with 4 bio children anyway. I'm flooded with so many emotions over this. I don't want to be selfish because I want to give a child a happy and loving home with loving and very caring brothers and sister, yet it really is selfish of me to adopt when so many of you want children just as badly. Therefore, I've considered foreign adoption, but that scares me too. Then there are the financial considerations. I don't know, I guess I just want to hear all of your opinions regarding this. I want our baby girl who is 3 to have a sister like I never had, but I don't know the solution, and I don't even know if it's right to want more, but time is ticking and I'm not getting any younger. Thank you for your responses, and please don't throw me to the wolves.

[4linekids]

Hi Heather,
Children are a wonderful gift and I think it's great that you want to adopt after having four bio kids. My husband and I dealed with not being able to have children for ten long heart breaking years. We went through numerous testing and treatments with no success. We decided to open our home to foster children and have enjoyed it! We now have adopted two outstandig boys, are in the process of adopting our foster daughter and all of this while giving birth to our bio baby last year. So remember, Ask for what you want, but be willing to take what God gives you. It may be better than what you asked for. If you and your family want another child then by all means go for it! There are so many children that need homes either here in the states or abroad. Good luck with your decision, adoption is an exciting, scary, roller-coaster ride but with love and support it is all worth it when your little one looks up at you.
Becky
mommy of Jude 5, Ricky 4, Katherine 3 and baby Ashley 1

[mallow]

Fear not! There are few if any of us here who would throw you to the wolves! I can only speak for myself, but I have never been jealous of people who were able to conceive (sp?). I have wanted it too but never begrudged it those who have it. If adoption is the route for you, go for it without guilt! One thing to consider-if finances are an issue, you might try adopting a child who is a bit older through your state or county agency. Good luck in whatever decision you make!

Becky

[lela]

There is no need to be apologetic about being able to conceive. This isn't that kind of forum.

We had just given birth to our 5th child when my husband had his vasectomy. When our 'baby' was 2, my husband brought up the topic of adopting. We now have 6 beautiful children, including our lovely 7mo foster daughter.
You definitely can adopt when you have a larger family. I would recommend going through foster care, because there are plenty of kids in the system who need homes.
Feel free to pm me if you'd like.
lela

[LoveRiddenDad]

I don't know if there's one good, single motivation to have a child. If you're willing to wait like everyone else and really want this, go for it. I don't really have any desire to call you a bad person, personally.

[Leigh131313]

I remember sitting in the workshop that we had to take prior to adopting...there was this couple that had a biological child, and were there seeking to adopt a newborn. I have to admit that my husband and I were shocked to see such a couple in "our" group. I remember thinking, you won the lottery, why are you being so greedy?? I would have done anything to just have ONE child.

I look back on it now, and see how totally screwed up my thinking was. This is NOT a competition...actually, i had a hard time realizing that fact with other adoptive famillies, i remember comparing myself to all the other couples (in my mind I usually came up short) It must have just been my overwhelming insecurities.

The truth is, children find their famillies...even without the convenience of being born to them. Every child deserves a good family.....so why would i think that a good family doesnt deserve a child? If your next child enters your family through adoption, it is because it was meant to be that way.

I know that first paragraph is not going to win me any awards for being Outstanding Human Being of the Year, and i would never have admitted it at the time to anyone....but it is honestly how i felt.

Good Luck, you have some big decisions to make
Leigh

[amom4life]

Hi Heather,
I think it's great that you're thinking of adopting and you ARE NOT selfish! There are many children in this world and those yet to be born you will not be jipping anyone out of a child. Also it is not your fault that others can't conceive and carry children nor should you ever feel guilty because you did.

Did you know that there are even women on this forum that are perfectly healthy and can get pregnant, but have made the choice to adopt instead of having bio children. I think that's great too!

So go for it! If you do decide to adopt this is agreat place to find support, encouragement, and to learn.
Blessings!
Judy

[blueyes113]

Hi Heather,
If you'd like to adopt, I also say go for it! But I also wanted to say that my husband and I conceived a perfectly healthy daughter through IVF with me being 40 at the time. I was 41 when she was born. And my husband's aunt has Downs. So follow your heart, not your fear! We've decided on adoption for #2 because at 43 they'd probably recommend donor eggs anyway and I don't want to go through the injections and all IVF entails again, with the possibility it might not work. I had enough disappointments before dd was born.
Whichever way you decide, I hope you welcome a sister for your daughter. Can't they reverse vasectomies sometimes??
God Bless you as you make this decision.

[Support2Adopt]

Originally posted by amom4life

Did you know that there are even women on this forum that are perfectly healthy and can get pregnant, but have made the choice to adopt instead of having bio children. I think that's great too!

I'm one of those women. Our adoptions were our first choice. The way I see it is that when a woman places a baby for adoption, she looks for a family that she feels will be best for her particular situation and baby. Now, if a potential Birthmother feels we are the best possible choice, then I'm not going to feel guity.
Every Birthmother is is a unique individual, just as we all are and each potential Birthmother has a vision as to the kind of home she would like to see the baby raised in.
With one of our adoptions, the Birthmother liked the idea that as far as we knew, we could have biological children as to her, it meant that we really wanted to adopt as a first choice.
Each situtaion is unique and different.
I just want to say, go for it!!!!!
JJ

[Katrinad]

Hi Heather!! And I have to say yay, because I've found a second person who is JUST LIKE ME!! I was having your exact feelings about everything, until I started reviewing, and timidly posting on this site. My own conclusion has been "go for it, what will be, will be", and I believe in my heart that what JJ has just said is true. There are very few prospective adoptive families where I live, and I have to trust that a birthmother out there is looking for our family to love her baby. Our home will surely be just right for somebody. I certainly thought so for our three beautiful, biological boys. Best of luck in your soul searching, I understand!
Kat

[tobeafamily]

We each have our own motivations for adoption, and not everyone who chooses to become an adoptive parent is sterile or infertile.

I noticed you mentioned only domestic parental placement and international adoption as options. There is a third option - domestic waiting child/foster care adoption. In none of these options are you 'taking a child away' from someone else any more than you took a soul from heaven away from someone else when you gave birth. It's not a competition.

Understand that each option carries its own benefits and risks. There is no one 'best way' to adopt, only a best way for you. I would suggest you head to your local library and read everything you can on options in adoption, as well as ask questions of people on this board and others.

Best of luck.

Regina

[hs3614]

Wow, folks! This is what message boards should be about - comforting support! I really do appreciate your kind and supportive words. Honestly everyone's situation is unique - yet we can relate oh-so-well. I did look into vasectomy reversal and obtaining sperm via removal from the testicles post vasectomy. I've researched IUI as I mentioned earlier. Since I am 38, have experienced 2 miscarriages and was told during the delivery of our last child that my uterus was extremely close to rupturing - a fact that was unable to be detected prior to her birth - today I feel strongly that adoption is the perfect solution. I hate to use this as a comparison because animals are so inferior to humans, but it's like they say to visit your local human society before purchasing a pure bred or having a litter of puppies because there are so many loving pets waiting already. It's selfish of me and pretty risky to want a child with my own genes and risk my health and possibly the life of the baby - when there are adoptable babies and children "out there". I worry though: I don't want 5 years from now to have the feelings of "this adopted child is different than our bio kids" and it be a negative thing. I want her differences to be just because she is unique like our bios have their own uniqueness. Nor do I want to ever use her adoption as a crutch. Explaination: for years all I have ever heard from my husband's parents about his adopted sister is: "she's such and such because she's adopted" or "you know she's adopted, perhaps that's why such and such". Plus they have always given and given and given and gone seemingly overboard for her. My father-in-law once said that his wife felt guilty because she didn't have the feelings of closeness with her like she thought she should, consequently she was always making up for that lack of closeness by giving to her and doing for her. Ultimately she is a spoiled brat who really can't take care of herself. Anyway, that happens to bio children too, I'm sure. And then there's just the "normal" in-law stuff anyway. She was adopted at 3 weeks of age, and I don't see why the "stigma" or "title" of Being Adopted should be used in a negative way like theirs is with regard to her.
Enough wordiness on my part. I'm having trouble expressing it, and I'm sorry if my words this morning aren't flowing well. I am anxious to pursue this wonderful adventure. How many of you have adoted out of country? Which countries are easiest? If any. What about Canada? Unfortunately, finances are an issue with us, yet I still feel that the Lord can use us to better the life of a litte girl, yet He hasn't made it clear yet as to just how. Thanks again, ladies and gents for your responses. I look forward to and respect what you have to say. Sincerely, from the State of Georgia.

[rtsmom]

Your husband's vasectomy should be reversible, so you may want to look into that.

After having two biological children (and my husband getting "fixed") we later decided on one more. We chose to open ourselves to adopting an infant with special needs. We were waiting for a baby with Down syndrome, and ended up with one with a similar (but much rarer) syndrome. Our family was complete, until five years later when a social worker from our local office called us about another baby available for adoption with the same rare syndrome. We knew in a heartbeat that he was "meant to be" with us. So now our family is complete... I think (?).

[Katrinad]

Hi Heather,
Our thoughts mirror each other, all those fears and what if's. Thinking years ahead, wondering how do you bond, how do you tell them, how do you cope when their bparents send a letter. Finally my husband said I was getting "paralysis from over analysis". And he was right. I started looking at this site about a week and a half ago. All I can say is wow, my whole mind set has changed. The people here, for the most part, are so supportive of each other, of everyone. I did go take a look at the adoptee site and got a bit of a fright for a few days, but there is another thread on this forum, something about an adoptive childs view, and it is wonderful. Go take a look. We've made our decision, sent our application and are about to take the first of two days "training". I have cleared out all my boys baby clothes and have packed a small case with little girls things. Now we wait - AND IT'S SO EXCITING!!

[Colorbind love]

Your story is exactly what brought my parents to adoption, only they had 3 biological children rather than 4. They did attempt infertility treatment without success (both sperm extraction and donor sperm). At 37, they began the process of adopting an infant from Haiti. 8 months later, they lost that infant and made a sudden decision to go with domestic adoption. They were matched 1 week later. Perfectly healthy newborn, but no one else wanted him because he was full AA and a male. That experience really opened their eyes to the need for adoptive families for minority children. They went onto adopt 5 children, all but the last were completely healthy minority newborns--that no one else would adopt based solely on their gender and skin color. Their last baby had 6 families reject him. While he was completely healthy, his bmother was HIV+ and no one would take the chance on him. After that, they did adopt 1 child from Ethiopia who came home at 2.5 years old.

Quite honestly, I don't see anything in the world wrong with wanting to adopt, no matter what your fertility status is. I always assumed I would adopt minority newborns, much like my parents did. But, we felt the Lord was asking us to adopt older African orphans. We too do not suffer infertility. Quite the contrary, we have 3 biological children and I still hope to give birth again. But, that didn't stop us from knowing that we had other children waiting to join our family as well. And, that knowledge has led us to 3 sons so far. Its not a decision we regret in the least. I don't think anyone has to apologize for wanting to adopt when they are fertile.