[Trudy&Dan]

the bf's mother wants to hold a shower for us ( meaning our birth mother and me) I am really unsure but i dont want to me rude to her we are having an open adoption so she wants to be a grand mother to the child so i can see her wanting to be involved but i dont know if this is normal, to far or what most of my family and friends are aprehensive as to her motives because originally she wanted the baby to be put in foster care till the b parents are older (bf is 16, b mom is 14). Now she has had a turn around. plus we have not even met her yet. baby is due 12-12 so she is wanting to plan a shower soon. i just would like to here what anyone thinks about this.
Thanks for reading Trudy

[rtsmom]

I suppose it will be hard to get a sense of her motivations until you've had a chance to meet her, and spend time with her. How does the prospective birth mom feel about it?

[Trudy&Dan]

she says what ever anyone wants she is 14 and definately acts like it which is not a problem except she wont say to much about her opinion on things she is more concerned about missing school rather than anything else

[rtsmom]

It sounds like she's taking a lot of her cues from her mom, so forming a positive relationship with the baby's prospective birth grandma will be worth pursuing.

Is she envisioning a baby shower that includes you and your husband and their family and friends, or does she want your family and friends involved also?

[LisaCA]

I agree with rtsmom. Our bmom was 15 and we have a great relationship with her parents. I think at that young age they are definitely influenced by their parents. If her mom feels good about you then that's great. we decided that all her brelatives would be relatives as far as we're concerned. Her aunts are her aunts, her bgrandparents are definitely involved and grandparents, and anyone else who wants to be in her life, that's great. we've only had her for 2 months, but everything seems to be working out. we send her bfamily a ton of pictures, we call weekly and let them know what's up, just like we do with the other grandparents, and we all like it. turns out I like her bgrandparents much better than the other two sets:-). And you can never have too many grandparents to spoil you silly.

the comment about school sounded familiar. I have photos of our bmom in bed the day after giving birth reading her report card and discussing it with her friends-definitely 15 years old! her parents (bgrandparents) said they viewed us as another set of parents to their 15 year old, which we found flattering. You really won't know the family dynamic unless you hang with them, and meeting bgrandma and grandpa might be useful.

take care,

LisaCA

[michellemartin]

Kara's parents came to meet my family, and well my family all brought them gifts! It wasnt an official shower, but I would have really liked there to have been a joint shower. Its something I almost feel like I missed out on. I would say go ahead with the plan, she may appreciate it years down the road when she is starting her family that she was able to do this also now.

[2boyz1girl]

A shower is always fun but I would just encourage you to do whatever you are comfortable with. If you feel like it is too much for you, don't do it. It's best for all of you to decide now what you are comfortable with, then to try to work things out after the fact. We're in a very different situation so I know that is shading my advice right now, but we are in a sense doing just that. The bfather is hinting at being a bigger part of our lives than we expected or intended, and we're not sure what to do about it.

I find LisaCa's comment about being flattered by the bgrandparents thinking of them as another set of parents to the bmother very interesting. We had a visit this past weekend and the bgma said something very similar -- and I am the same age as her son! (25) I guess for me, it's just a little more than I thought I was in for.

[ddhuab]

It sounds like you are very uncomfortable with the prospect of the bgrandmother holding the shower, and for some very valid reasons.

Perhaps she could hold A shower that included your very close family and friends (or none of them) and bmom's family and friends that would be invited. If none of bmom's circle WOULD be invited, then I think it is inappropriate for her (bgrandma) to host the shower. After all, in my experience people often have two or three baby showers depending on how integrated (or not) their family and friends are with one another or with the coworkers of the couple.

I think the person who throws you a shower should be very close to you. On the other hand, maybe the bmom secretly would enjoy a shower, but would feel uncomfortable around a lot of adults she doesn't know, so you may only want to invite people from your circle that she might actually interact with in her continued open relationship with you (your and spouse's parents and siblings, if they will be part of the bmom's visits and celebrations).

Also, and this is more of a petty kind of thing, but I am playing devil's advocate here... what if the bfamily changes their minds again... would they expect all of the shower gifts? Would such a discussion/scene add to your pain in a failed adoption? Much of the stuff you and dh will get for the shower will probably be stuff you can use with the next match, and many adoptive parents would feel uncomfortable having multiple pre-birth showers with multiple matches.

In the end, as all the posters have advised, you need to do what you feel most comfortable doing. I, personally, would feel a bit uncomfortable with all of my friends and acquaintances at one big party with a birth mom that was so much younger than all of us, and I would suspect she would feel uncomfortable, too. If it were a birthmom I felt really comfortable with and felt I had a lot in common with, it might be a different story... and there are lots of rooms for in-between scenarios with your guest list. All I am thinking is that the less educated the guest list is about open adoption, the more opportunities for foot-in-mouth scenarios and hurt feelings.

Sorry if I am butting in where I don't belong. I love the idea of many aspects of open adoption, but am not prepared for the possible long wait for a domestic match, so we are adopting internationally for this 1st child.

Good luck in being at peace with whatever decision you make,

D.

[Trudy&Dan]

thanks everyone for posting and ddhuab do not apologize you are not at all butting in i love hearing what everyone says i think i need to clarify a little on the whole story the b g ma is the b fathers mother i have a great relationship with b mothers parents actually they called us they are my step cousins so b mom is my step 2nd cousin but i had never met them i had seen b mom when she was a baby once but that is it the b dad,s mom is the one who wants to give the shower for me and b mom for people that live by them i dont know anyone except my aunt she is b moms step grandma also they live over an hour from me i was told "she wants to throw you and bmom a baby shower" so does that change anything? i know this sounds confusing but without names it is hard thanks so much all of you trudy

[ddhuab]

In that case, I don't think it sounds like such a bad idea... it could provide some happy memories for all of you (and maybe even be sort of a mini "family reunion" for some of the members of the family!).

Again, though, sit with it a while and you and dh trust your instincts. But in the end, open adoption is about the CHILD, so if you can get lots of photos of extended family and friends, this might help assure the child even more that his/her life was one to be celebrated.

D.

[Trudy&Dan]

thanks again i wish you luck in your adoption search i have a friend who adopted an 8 year old from the ukraine and she is extremely happy and has always reminded me in all of our infertility plits that adoption was great i have enjoyed your posts and will let you know how everything goes thanks agian for everyones opinion and anymore you may have i am listening Trudy