[AMom2Two]

I was wondering if there is anyone else out there who was matched, had a failed placement and is now matched again waiting for the baby to be born. Our possible son is due to be born around Oct. 2 or 9th.

I am having such a hard time with this second adoption. As the day draws closer to his birth, I become worst, mentally and physically.

I can not function so well. My energy level is zapped. Each day seems to drag on. I go to sleep each night thinking, OK one more day down. Each chore I do I have to push myself thru. My legs feel heavy, my heart aches with shooting pains, and I can't get my mind off of adoption. It's on my mind 24/7. I feel bad for my daughter because I can't find the strength inside of me to do the one on one things I used to do. I find myself putting in a video for her more and more. I find my mind wandering to the new baby constantly. I find myself walking into his room and then end up leaving and locking the door and promising myself, I won't go in there again. I am having problems even eating and sleeping. I don't have an appetite. I don't feel like cooking or gardening or doing anything that I once enjoyed. I lost interest in doing all the things I used to do. I wish I could just sleep until his birth so I know which way it's going to be. Will he be my son? or will I have yet another failed placement?

The burden of waiting, feeling in my heart that this is not going to happen, and trying to tell myself to hang on is taking a toll.

I want to prepare for him. I want to buy things for him. I want to paint his room. I want to dance with joy that I might have a son. I want to shout it to the world. I want to enjoy these days with my daughter knowing that soon I will have two children and won't have much time to do the things we do. BUT my last failed placement echo's in my heart and mind. Returning the clothes, having my daughter cry for her baby brother, explaining to everyone what happened keeps haunting me so that I can't enjoy this wait, I can't prepare for him. I can't be happy that I'm matched. I can't enjoy my life right now. I can barely function. All I see is all the red flags with this situation and in my heart, I just feel like it is not going to happen.

Has anyone else been here? What did you do to get thru the waiting?

[spaypets]

am having problems even eating and sleeping. I don't have an appetite. I don't feel like cooking or gardening or doing anything that I once enjoyed. I lost interest in doing all the things I used to do. I wish I could just sleep until his birth so I know which way it's going to be.

Amom, these are classic signs of depression. You should call your doctor. The fact that you're not engaged with the daughter you have shows the depth of this. You may want to consider antidepressants until this is over.

Please, get some help from a professional. It's one thing to be anxious and nervous, but what you've written is beyond that.

Hang in there. Remember, your little girl needs you. ((hugs))

[wanttobeparents]

What did I do to get through the waiting?

I cleaned, packed away all the little girl's clothes for the girl that would not be arriving, left everything else packed and refused to even buy diapers. I bought 2 outfits and left the tags on them. I then reminded myself that it was not my baby. That was my mantra for 2 months, "It's not my baby. He belongs to L. Until the papers are signed, he belongs to L."

I took my son on outings to the zoo and playgrounds to get me out of the house and away from obsessing. We did not tell him that a baby was expected, since he was still asking where his sister was from the scam 7 months earlier. I registered at Babies R Us for any items we were going to need, but bought nothing but the two items with the tags left on them. I left the cradle in the guest room.

Midnight on the last day for L to change her mind after Michael was born, my husband and I kissed each other, said congratulations, and started moving the cradle and unpacking the clothes. We weren't going to sleep that night anyway. I sent my poor husband out to buy rug shampoo at 1am because the vaccuum caught fire and all I had left was the shampoo machine.

The fact that you can't interact with your daughter points to depression. See the doctor, get out of the house as much as possible, take walks, do things that keep you busy.

Peggy
Mom to Matthew, 3 yrs. 10 months and Michael, 10 months

[katieb31323]

AMom

I so glad that you have reached out at least here. You have every reason to feel as you do. You have really had a rough time and are completly justified. That said, I agree with Spaypets, you should get some help so that you are "ready" to go through the emotions of your pending adoption. Weather or not this time will be the time or not, emotions will run high and you need to be ready. Please do what you can to take care of yourself as soon as you can.

My hubby and I too are matched with an Oct 2 due date. We were matched Aug 6th and I spent a crazy month of activity. Since last Friday I have "crashed". I have been so tired and so ready for this whole thing to be over! Hang in there! I will be thinking and praying for you!

Katie

[AMom2Two]

Thank you for your replies.

I just wanted to clarify that I am doing the things I need to do for my daughter. I am cooking for her, giving her baths and playing with her, but I am having a hard time with it all. Sometimes, I do feel like I don't have the energy and I do put in a video, more then I used to. We used to dance around to the Wiggles and play playdo together, go to the parks and such, but for the past week or so, I just don't have the energy.

I feel like all my energy is gone and everything is an effort. My house is clean and I keep up with my chores, but it's an effort now. I used to enjoy cooking, but now my dinners are so simple, unplanned and just tossed together. I used to know what I was going to cook on each day, but now I just wing it.

I know I am fighting some form of depression but I figured it was situational depression. Most anti-depressants take weeks to start to work and by then, I hope to have some resolution with this.

Maybe I'm not pushing myself enough. Maybe I should have a list of all the chores that need to be done, such as washing my windows and deep cleaning my carpets and start knocking these items off, one by one. Maybe I should do more like Wantobeparents. Maybe it's a vicious cycle that I'm stuck in, thinking about it, getting depressed, not getting motivated, etc. I should get out of the house more. I do feel better when I'm away from home and I do try to visit friends, but it is such an effort. When I was matched last time, I didn't have these problems. I didn't live in fear, like I do know.

There's so much energy tied into this adoption. I have been struggling for 10 years to build my family. With this second child, it will all be done. I can't wait to close the door on building my family. 10 years of trying and trying and trying has taken a toll. I am so close to the end of my struggles. I am so close to having the family of my dreams. My husband and I are looking forward to moving on with our lives into another direction. While all of our friends have been moving forward in their lives, we feel like we are stuck. While they purchase cars, and beach houses and swimming pools, we save all our money for children. While they plan for fancy vacations and nights out, we save all our money for adoption. We have been married for 10 years and trying to build our family the entire time.

If, I do get so lucky to bring this little baby home, it will be such a huge relief for us. Our long struggle will be done and I can then start to look into other aspects of our life. My husband feels the same way as I do. He told me just last night, that he feels so tired, that he has to push himself also. He is more positive then I, however, and feels this adoption is going to happen. He is trying to encourage me to go out and shop for this little boy but I just can't right now. I wish I had his confidence.

[katieb31323]

Hi

Your right about anti-depressants taking weeks to work...and it probably is just situational....I know I am awful about going to the doctor for myself, but could it be something else? You have to do whats right for you!

Maybe try baby steps here (I know I know...not the best choice of words!!) but making a short list of what you want to accomplish in a day might help. It does help me when I am feeling overwhelmed. Just crossing things off makes me feel better. Sometimes the list has some really basic tasks like unload dishwasher, sweep kitchen, shower...crossing things off proves I have done something that day, making me feel better. Is there a project at home you have been meaning to get to that is completely unbaby related? Maybe that would keep your mind busy. Good luck to you. I think I will take some of my own advice! 22 days left!

Katie

[amom4life]

Amom2two,
My heart is just breaking for you! I know all that you are feeling so well and it is depression. I too agree with you that its situational. I still really wish you would go to the doctor just to make sure there's nothing else wrong. Or even give it a try with the antidepressants and just stay on them a little longer. It couldn't hurt. You have been through a lot.

It sure would be nice if we could just hibernate through the wait.

I'm praying for you to have peace and for your health.

Hugs and love to you,
Judy

[Support2Adopt]

We were matched again after a failed adoption and the one thing that got me through it was the children I already had.
I thought of the childless couples who had such high hopes, only to have the adoption fail and go home to an empty house. I figured, at least I was going home to children and considered myself lucky to have what we already had.
Please don't let your bad experience reflect on your daughter. She didn't cause the failed adoption. There are so many out there who would long to just have one child.
I understand the depressed feelings, but once your new adoption does happen, you will be back to yourself before you know it. Just take things slowly.
Sending major cyber hugs to you.
JJ

[bevy]

Amom, we had a failed placement last December and now we are matched with a bmom who was due last Friday. The wait is horribly long and each day, I too find myself thinking about that baby and what we are going to do, when we will go, etc. etc. I have, however, let my excitement come out. I cannot help to be excited in anticipation of a new baby with full awareness that we may be let down again. I find that is the only way for me to cope with things.
I don't think that how you are feeling is particularly healthy. Stress and anxiety is normal but how you explained your day is definately not fair to you. Take the others advice and visit with your doctor. You may only need to talk to someone about it and that may be as far as you need to go.
Before you know it, this rollercoaster ride will level off and you will be able to move on to more of life's unexpected challenges!

Keep us updated on how you are doing,

Tara

[djp03]

Hi amom,

Sounds like you have serious anhedonia and vegetative signs of depression. Even if antidepressants take 2 weeks to work, at least speaking to a professional therapist will help get your thought processes in a more positive frame of mind.

I hear myself in your post above.... we struggled for 10 years and went through 5 failed adoptions b4 our 2 kids came along. The depression and despair was overwhelming at times. Don't give up! Just make a plan to get ONE thing done a day and be glad to leave it at that.

Lean on your friends and try to block out despairing thoughts b/c it is all out of your control anyway!

Big hugs
M

[79nic]

Amom2two,

(((Hugs))). I'm so sorry you are going through this. The wait must be agonizing.

Sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but I am about 99% certain that one of the criteria for an actual depression diagnosis is that it's NOT linked to normal bereavement. In fact, my mother is a counselor and says that they don't diagnose depression in someone even if they are suicidal IF they have had a loved one die/ had a divorce/ etc within the past six months. (After six months, it's time to consider that normal bereavement moved to actual depression.)

Even if your failed placement was a while ago, is it possible that you sort of re-grieving that? And/or that you (appropriately) anxious about this situation? These could bring on the symptoms you are talking about.

I'm not saying there's nothing you can do... perhaps going to a counselor would help you sort out your feelings.... just that if you don't want to start off with pills right away, I think that's OK.

Sorry to get all clinical.... I hope your wait is short. I will pray for an early delivery and a successful adoption in which the bmom and your family all have peace.

You are in my thoughts,
Nicole

[AMom2Two]

Thank you for all your responses. After reading your thoughts and advice, I have decided to return to a TCM (Traditional Chinese Medical Doctor) who treated me for depression when I was going thru infertility treatments many years ago. He is also the husband of one of my friends now.

Maybe I do need someone to talk to. I don't feel I can talk much to my friends and family as they all think I should be happy and not worry about it. Their comments are "if this one doesn't work out then the next one will." I know that, but it doesn't help.

I also recognized last night in going thru my journal that my depression symptoms seemed to really start again when I heard that the potential bfather feels we are stealing his son. I think his statement, added with the pain that I know the mother and father will go thru, adds to my guilt and feelings of helplessness and anxiety. I don't want them to hate me and wish to have a good relationship with the both of them. I just feel so helpless about all of this. I know I have good intentions but nothing feels so good right now.

In talking to the TCM on the phone this morning, he told me he feels that I seem to be taking on the feelings of the pbparents. That a part of me is grieving for their loss. That I am not allowing myself to be happy about this baby because it doesn't feel right to be happy when someone else will be in pain. He said my last failed placement in May, prevents me from enjoying this, that I am allowing fear to rule my days. He has rearranged his schedule and will see me early this afternoon. In the meantime, he encouraged me to go out and buy something small for this little boy, to start allowing the joy in my heart. Bevy said that helped her get thru it and I can understand why. The TCM feels that I must prepare for this little guy. I'm so scared to do that, but I will take his advice.

I'll keep you posted. Thanks again for all your support. It means so much to me.

Hugs,

[79nic]

Amom,

Sounds like a smart guy.

I am glad you have found the right thing to do for you. I will pray that these symptoms ease up a bit and that you feel better.

Enjoy your shopping trip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(hugs),
Nicole

[TRP]

Dear Amom2Two,

I understand the way you feel. I feel the same way too. People are very quick to judge those of us who are down and hurting. Your depression is linked to your situation which is REALLY tough right now. It is hard to have hope when your heart has been broken and you know all the possible outcomes with adoption. Adoption has such high emotional and financial risks...and you have been putting your heart, money, dreams ect...on the line for a LONG time to achive a goal that most hardly work for and take for granted all the time. I just wanted to validate you and tell you not to feel guilty or embarassed by the way you feel. I know you love your daughter to pieces just like I love my son, but you want so badly for your child to have a sibling and for your family to be "complete." The yearning and desire is so intense that it can rob of of our joy of the present things we are blessed with. I am reading 31 Days of Praise by Ruth Meyers, SoulTalk by Larry Crabb, When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayers by Sitter, and my Bible just to keep my mind out of the gutter and on to eternal things and things that will help me cope with my disappointment in the way life has turned out. Hang in there...this too shall pass. I find that reading and meditating on spiritual things and also just getting out of the house help me deal with the ache and brokeness inside. Having someone to mourn with or just to "talk" to in a real way about what you feel can be so helpful. Please feel free to PM me....I'd be more than glad to "talk" to you since I am emotionally where you are at right now. Best wishes to you!! And hang in there...

[AMom2Two]

(((Trp)))

Thank you so much for your support and the recommendation of the books. I will buy them tomorrow. I do think I am dealing with a few different emotions and factors with this adoption amd that is making it seem so much harder for me. The long struggle has taken a toll and I am so anxious to close this door, enjoy my family, and enjoy other things life has to offer. I also have to learn to seperate myself from the bparents grief.

I went to the TCM today and we talked for 45 minutes. He then did accupuncture and gave me some herbs to cook up in a tea to begin taking tonight. He feels my heart is heavy, that my blood is stagnet and that I am stuck. He encouraged me to continue to think positive and to plan for this little guy. I told him of my fears, of having another failed placement and of returning things to the store again. In our discussion, we came to the conclusion that I do not have to return the items. What we will do if this does not happen, is package everything I bought and put all the items into a box, gift wrap it and then deliver it to the mother at the hospital. That made me feel better. My husband supports it and say's that is a good idea. I was able to shop today with knowing that what I was buying for this little guy will be his, even if, he is not our's.

After I picked up my daughter we went shopping. We had so much fun. We went to a few stores and bought some of the cutest little outfits. She was so cute. She was grabbing anything baby blue she could get her little hands on and putting it on the stroller saying, for baby brother. At first I was shocked she said that, because I have not mentioned this the second time around, but then I realized she saw the baby blue clothes and remember the last time and put two and two together.

Before we left the store, I bought something for her. She selected this little box that had all these beads in it. I thought that is a great idea, so we went home and started making jewerly together. Of course, she wants to make a blue braclet for baby brother.

I am a little concerned that she has put two and two together as I don't want her hurt again if this doesn't happen. I realize that I can't protect her forever and if and when this doesn't happen, then we will have to cross that bridge again, together.

(((Katie))) You have a due date of Oct. 2 also??? Oh my gosh. Can you share with me your situation, your match and such. It would help to get my mind off of me.

Thank you again EVERYONE for all your support and advice. I am feeling better and am so glad I posted this.

By the way, I don't know if this is related to all of this but I wanted to add that my little girl, who is 3, has regressed with her potty training. She has always done her poo poo on the potty but for today and yesterday, she is going on the floor. She still does her wee wee on the potty. Should I be concerned or just go with the flow?