[PattiPanCakes]

Hello.
I am new to these forums so forgive me if I sound totally stupid but I don't know where else to turn.
My husband and I adopted our two daughters as infants. Rosemary is going to be 17 and Alice is 14. Everthing was just perfect until recently.
About 6 weeks ago, I was contacted by the social worker that helped us with Rosemary's adoption. I lamost fell off my chair when I hear what she said. After nearly 17 years, R's biological mother was asking for an update and requesting contact. I got the impression that she thought it was OK to "open" the adoption because "that's the norm now" as the Social Worker said!
We don't know anything about this woman. She could be a drug addict, she could be a scam artist. All I know is that she was 17, healthy, of Italian decent and didn't want my precious baby. And now, she thinks she can just come right back in here a lifetime later and pick up where she left off?
I know that some people want to find their biological families for mediacl reasons and such, but I know that my children have no need for such things and they have always both been so good and happy. So I told the caller that I would discuss it with my husband and we would get back to her.
We decided that while our daughter was still a child and under our supervision, she really could not make such a decision and did not have the emotional need or capapcity to deal with a situation like this. If she wants to when she is older, then I cannot stop her, but I am really afraid right now that she would not be able to really understand this woman's place and could be taken advantage of emotionally. She is at a really important place in her life now; being accepted into a good college, her last year at really being a kid, all the normal stuff that we have strived to give her and she does not need to be sidetracked right now by things much less important to her life's future.
While we were discussing this, I guess she over heard my husband and me, but R didn't say anything. I was not going to talk to her about it since we had made a final decision. I just noticed that she started acting odd.
Well, just 3 days ago, it all blew up!
Aparently, after hearing us, R went on to some internet places and read all this stuff written by biological mothers about the children they adopted out and the "mother child bond" I don't know exactly where she went, but thet stuff that she is saying is crazy!!! She is talking about how children were stolen!WHether we "cohersed" her biological mother. And is demanding that we allow her access to her "natural" mother. She will not accept that it is not possible for at least another year and will not listen to reason at all. Suddenly, I have become the worst mother in the whole world and I feel like my heart has been torn in two! And she keeps trying to "educate" my other daughter also.
We have taken away her laptop so she can't read this nonsense anymore ( and here I am asking for help), but she is like a changed person. All I know is that if she acts like this after just knowing a little bit of information, then there is no way she can handle anything else right now. She is angry and nasty and talks about adoption all the time. She claims we are all in denial and not accepting her "true self"- oh, it is terrible!
So please...what can I do? How can I get my daughter back and make this nightmare go away?
I want to find this crazy place and tell these lulu's what they have done to my daughter with their silly ideas!
Anyone have experience with this kind of thing? I know it's really late, but I just can't sleep.
Thank you for reading this.
Patti

[amom4life]

Hi,
I haven't been in your situation so I don't know what advice to give you. I can say though that I think it was a huge mistake that you didn't talk with your daughter right after you discovered that she overheard your conversation. Possibly she wouldn't have turned to the internet for answers and information had you made her feel you were accessable and open to talking about this.

It sounds like the sites she went to were Anti-adoption sites.

Anyway there are many people here who can be of more help to you than I can. I wish you all well and hope everything works out without too much damage.
Judy

[nikki27]

Hello,
My name is Nikki. I am an adoptive mother of two children. I am very sorry you are going through this pain. My advice would be to be your daughters advocate. Be by her side and love her. I know that you are terrified that the birth mother may in the near future have a place in your daughters heart that has never been outwardly spoken of. Truthfully, she probably has thought of her more than you realize. I think she sences that it is not a comfortable subject. I would not give the birth mom visits. Very inappropriate. It may be in your benifit to write her an update letter gushing about how well your daughters doing and her accomplishments. Maybe possiably???? even have your daughter help write it (she's 17). I would tell her when she's an adult and ready together you can make further contact. In my opinion if you are your child's advocate you cannot lose. You and your husband and daughter are her forever family. She will want to meet her especially now since it seems forbidden. It is more an likely inevitable so I would not make it a negative thing. My son was taken at birth because mom did meth. she has not tried to make contact with us however after finalization I wrote her a letter thanking her for giving us a beautiful son to love and adore. I assured her he was going to have a good life with lots of love and oppurtunity. Well, I never thought I would get a responce however three months later she sent a letter thanking me for giving her peace and that she was so glad he was with us. I am going to send a letter once a year and a picture. My reasoning is for my son. He will not know about it until I feel he's ready but I want to assure him peace when that day comes. I know the day will come when he wants to meet her but I am not worried because we have corresponded. If it is a bad experience for him I will catch him when he falls. If he wants me there when he meets her I will be if not I won't. If I were you I would corrospond with her before your daughter is able too, out of anger she may say things to birth mom that will hurt you. You do not want a relasinship between them that is built on a commom thread of resenting you. Remember you have raised her you are irraplaceable so keep that position and be her ally. Birth mom is already going to be sad because someone else raised her daughter (even if it was by her own choice) You do not want your daughter going to her for comfort over issues she can't openly discuss with you. I wanted to share with you my experience I hope all works out for you. Remember to keep your daughter's needs first even when it's not comfortable for you. That is sooo hard because we love are children so much. It sounds like you have two wonderful children and have done a good job raising them. This may be the hardest part of the journey. She is so close to 18 I would not put off writing birth mom. I would talk with the 17 yr. old and w/ dad and discuss what your comfortable with and what you are going to do. I would tell her I will write Bmom a letter and you can read it and help make any corrections you think are needed. I wouldn't go to deeply into your lives. Maybe reassure her your daughter is happy, maybe hobbies, goals. Thank her for giving you a daughter to love and adore. The greatest gift of all. You can set the stage, be in control, etc. Your sweet daug. is starting college soon so she needs to be in a comfortable place if she is to succed. Please PM me if you want to talk more. I know I think diffrently then you but sometimes that is the best way to come up with solutions. I will pray for you and your family.

Nikki

[sugarbabysmommy]

I am sending you a PM. Let me just say what I think you already know, there is no going back, you can only move forward with your daughter. Rather than make pronouncements about what she can and can't handle, what will and won't matter to her future, ask her what she can and can't handle, what matters to her. She may only be seventeen, but she is a smart, thinking, and feeling girl who is cleary trying to process something very large. Let her know you are by her side.

Start reading, reading online, reading books from all perspectives in adoption. And hopefully, your daughter never hears or reads that you think the things she is saying are crazy. Imagine having to figure out something so huge and being told it's all just crazy talk. I know you are afraid, remember she may be too.

And, whatever you do, never speak poorly of her birthmother, no matter what you may think or fear in the recesses of your mind. If you think and speak poorly of who she was born to, she may believe you think poorly of her as well.

I'm going to PM you with some book ideas and web site ideas for articles written by adoptees.

take care,

[nikki27]

It is me again....

I also wanted to tell you that are children's emotions are fed by are own. For example, when receiving the letter from birthmom if you potrayed it as a positive thing your daug. would more in likely too. If you act scared, bitter etc. that is how your daug. may potray the situation. You have a lot of power use it while you have it. I wouldn't jump into any situation with Bmom you do not know her or her intentions. I don't think she means harm but she may have unresolved feelings and your daughter is in a confused state. I would start slow with a simple letter thanking her for writing you and inquiring about---- . and go from there. No
one can claim your the "bad" guy and that is your only weakness in this situation.So don't be the bad guy!!! Remember your husband and you have raised her to be the lovely girl she is. That is her foundation keep on building even if the view is blurry.

Nikki

[Just Julie]

I must add my amen to what the other posters have said. You simply must put your daughter's feelings above your own. As much as we love our children, by whatever means they come to us, the job of a parent is to do the best thing for the child. You have already brought out her defenses and caused her to act behind your back. How much better it would be if you could have gone to those websites with her and then been able to discuss the content with her. She will be in college next year and able to go to many more challenging places than websites if she chooses. I hope you will be able to calmly apologize to her for forbiding her to seek answers to the basic questions that every adoptee has. This is a tough journey for her to be on. How much better for her to go accompanied by her parents and with their blessing than alone and in secret. And how precious it would be to share this exciting adventure with her. Eighteen years may be the law's "right time", but sometimes the heart is ready for the journey much earlier. God bless.

[clion]

Patti,

I am an adoptee who was raised always knowing I was adopted. I was blessed by having parents who let me know from the beginning that my birthmother loved me very much, but was unable to raise me because of circumstances beyond her control. Their attitude and willingness to support me , are among the main reasons that I always felt secure and special because I was adopted. My Mother gave me what little non-ID information she had and her blessing to search for my birthfamily. I believe in my heart that she was a little frightened at the chance I might turn more to my birthfamily if I found them and move a little away from her. But there is no one that can ever replace my Mother and Daddy. To turn somewhere else never occurred to me. I totally admired , respected and loved her for being willing to give me the information and blessing even tho she may have have fears of her own. Although I lost my Daddy when I was 13, I feel he too would have given me his blessing and support.
I have told you this to give you a little of my background and maybe understand where I am coming from
You were blindsided with this information and automatically went into a protective mode for your daughter. Unfortunately, out of fear and wanting to protect, we as parents, or even as human beings assume the worst about that or whom by
which we feel threatened. This is just human nature. I might suggest that you try to find out more information about your daughter's birthmother. She may turn out to be a very wonderful, respected and understanding person who has overcome prior problems and made a good life for herself. I believe many mothers, be they birthmothers, adoptive mothers or natural mothers, would want to know about their child and have connection with them.
Julie had very good suggestions about handling this situation. Remember your daughter is already 17 and in less than a year can legally pursue this on her own. Rest assured , she will do this. Would it not create a more positive atmosphere if you could and were willing to work with and support your daughter in this, be there for her to try to help her find factual answers to her questions about adoptions, to help her see the difference between opinions expressed by ones spouting false information brought on by their own bitterness and anger and narrowmindedness , and the opinions of those who can look at
the adoption topic with fairness and openmindedness and can give the loving side of the topic?
I believe if I were in your position, I would try to sit down with her and explain what the reasons and fears were that caused me to react the way I did. I don't know that I could apologize for how I reacted initially, but I would tell her that I realized there may have been a better way to handle things. I would most definitely give her the computer back. I would try to assure her that I had faith in her and her ability to make wise decisions. I would tell her how much I loved her and that I would like to help her find valid answers to her questions and be a supportive, loving part of her search. If this information is important to her, then I am sure it is important to you. You have instilled in her good values and she will draw on that to make wise choices. I think she felt confused and angry that you were not including her in making the decisions. When this happens, a person often will seek other means to understand what is happening and as in this case, will get poor information. I think she struck back at you because you were closing her out of something so much a part of her.
You expressed the thought that she did not need to be sidetracked by something that is not important to her life's future. I can assure you that to many adoptees, no matter whether their home life has been super positive and loving or very negative, knowledge of their birthfamily is extremely important,.
You also mentioned that you felt your children did not need their medical history. that they were both good and happy. Medical history is very important because it can play a major role in preventative medicine and help explain serious medical problems that may arise. Most adoptive parents are given only a limited amount of information, if any, about medical history. a good portion of a person's medical condition is based on genetics.
I do hope this has not come across as my attacking you for your actions. It was a scarey and threatening situation and I know you did what you thought was best to protect your daughter...and that goes to show how very much you love your daughter. I am only trying to give you another perspective to think about. It is not always easy to be a Mother. We all try to do the very best we can. I hope that you and your daughter can find a positive, workable middle ground.
Please feel free to pm me if you have in question or if I can help in any way. I understand that this situation is hard for you.

[BrandyHagz]

I’m going to reply as a birthmother and an adoptee.

I was a little taken back by your automatic thoughts of drug addiction and scam.

You do realize your talking about the woman who made you a mother, right? The woman whose blood pumps thru the veins of your daughter…

I don’t generally know how to respond to methods of thoughts like that. A few months ago, I was at a local businesswoman’s meeting, and when I started talking about being a birthmother, there was an automatic assumption that I was a drug user, at least at some point.

Not all birthmothers are what you see at Lifetime TV. In fact, most of the ones I know were college students, unable to care for a child emotionally or financially, so they did the only thing they could do.

Birthmothers go on to be mothers, business owners, soccer moms, wives and PTO members.

There is nothing to be afraid of. We don’t bite.

By the way, there is no way to know that the birthmother of your daughter feels the same way that your daughter does. It really sounds like your daughter found an anti-adoption site, and feed off the info they spew. That’s unfortunate, because it call could have been avoided if you’d just talked with her about it.

I was born, adopted and raised in an open adoption, that was thirty (plus) years ago.

Kids are only as confused as their parents. Educate yourself about what it means to have your daughters birthmother in her life, there is nothing to be afraid of.

[Volfe]

I am a birthmother and also a parent. I am going to try to be objective and give you advice that won't make anyone bristle.

First off, the emotions surrounding relinquishment often stick with a mother for years to a lifetime after. So, if society suggested the baby were better off adopted, and having no contact with her, that is probably the reasoning behind your never hearing anything from her. Maybe only recently has she realized that contact is possible and would benefit the adoptee.

YOUR feelings are Fear of Loss. Anger usually is a protective mechanism to resist pain. Our pain. I know, I wear it well. It is also a part of grieving.

Alas, your child is no longer a child. Certain truths that you must come to terms with are:
1. Your child is not only yours, she came with a history that is not your own, and it is her right to know it. Adoptees often want to know their bparents, she obviously does.
2. She is practically an adult, a very intelligent adult, and she can and will do as her heart desires. Including researching any topics she wishes.
3. A woman with an intimate relationship to your daughter exists, and will probably be in your daughters life again soon. Be she friend or foe is up to you.

Anxiety is a failure to accept your fate. I realize that having the ideal dream of your future replaced by the grim and real present path of your future is Loss. Grieve it if you must.

Most birth mothers are NOT sleezy freewheeling drug addicts. Especially 20 years after the fact, they are often normal women with lives, careers, etc. They are also women with a pain in their heart.... A part of their heart that is missing.

Also, please realize that censoring your daughter's reading materials is archaic. You cannot change the way she thinks by limiting her access to materials you deem inappropriate. You need to accept her thoughts, her ideals, her whims as parts of her.

She very well could have gotten all of her information HERE on the adoption forums. Have you read the birth mother threads? Broaden your world and read some.

Personally, I look forward to being my children's friends rather than parent. That is, the children I placed into adoption. Yes, I've done it twice and I'm quite the normal person. No track marks, no police record, heck I even own a car!

I recommend accepting your child as the adult she is. Accept her with all the past that she carries. Or you could very well lose her.

Maia

[Cheryl62]

Patti:

I'm a 42 year old adoptee, who also always knew I was adopted, and had wonderful parents. My parents were not as secure about my questions about adoption as Clion's were, and I know they felt a little scared when I told them I was searching for my birthmother (only this year - I'm a late seeker!). If my parents had offered, and if I had thought it wouldn't hurt them, I probably would have done this much sooner. NOT because I felt any lack at all in my relationship with my parents. My mom and dad will always be my only mom and dad. But just because I always wondered -- where my looks came from, whether I got certain emotional and other traits genetically, and, more recently, whether certain medical things run in my genes that I really should have known before I had children, and certainly should know now that I get older.

I too am the mother of a 17 year old girl (along with 2 other girls and 3 boys). So, I know how you feel, and how difficult this age is. But the previous posters were right in their advice to you. My daughter will go to college in a year too - she will no longer be subject to my supervision. I need to start letting go, and try to trust that everything I have tried to teach her is in there somewhere! She needs to stretch her wings now, before she's thrown out into the world, far away from home in college. I cannot treat my daughter like a child anymore, and monitor her internet usage, and all her friends/activities. She may make mistakes - but they will be smaller ones if she talks to me, trusts me, and can start taking baby steps away from the nest now.

I know this is scary. But it is SOOOO much scarier not to know what our children think and feel. You need to be her advocate to help her. You need her to talk to you to help YOU. So you aren't so afraid. So you don't worry. So you know what's going on. This is scary for her too - she will need you - but no matter what you do, this will not go away. That I promise you. Far better for you to be involved - to give her support and advice. Give her back her computer. Help her write to her b-mom, and ask everything she wants to know. Support her in this... if you want to do it through the S/W first (non-identifying) to be sure the situation is ok, your daughter should understand that. But DO NOT under any circumstances make assumptions about her b-mom's character -- her daughter would interpret that as a slur on her b-mom -- and, more seriously, on her (since that is where she came from). If you find something worrying, you will have to cross that bridge when you come to it. But, unless she was removed from the home for some reason, I think it's more likely you will find no reason for concern.

Good luck to you. Read, read, read on this forum. Give this forum's address to your daughter - far better she get support and advice here, than from some of the sites she may have been visiting.

Let us know how it goes for you...
Cheryl

[LoveRiddenDad]

I want to address this piece by piece, and by no means am I saying my perspective is the right one.

"About 6 weeks ago, I was contacted by the social worker that helped us with Rosemary's adoption. I lamost fell off my chair when I hear what she said. After nearly 17 years, R's biological mother was asking for an update and requesting contact. I got the impression that she thought it was OK to "open" the adoption because "that's the norm now" as the Social Worker said!"

The woman wants to know her birthchild is healthy and happy. I can't really explain it any further.

"We don't know anything about this woman. She could be a drug addict, she could be a scam artist. All I know is that she was 17, healthy, of Italian decent and didn't want my precious baby. And now, she thinks she can just come right back in here a lifetime later and pick up where she left off?"

For all the birthmother knows, YOU could be an abusive drug addict. (No offense.) Most birthmothers don't "reject" their children, but know they can't give them the life they wish to provide. She waited seventeen years until your daughter was capable of making decisions. She didn't step in seven years previously where your daughter was at a more emotionally fragile stage. You have to give her that.

"I know that some people want to find their biological families for mediacl reasons and such, but I know that my children have no need for such things and they have always both been so good and happy. So I told the caller that I would discuss it with my husband and we would get back to her."

You can't speak for what all human hearts want. Even if you were a wonderful mother, sometimes a wonderful mother isn't enough to complete us. I had a WONDERFUL mother, but there are so many people that make my life what it is. The more we know, the better.

"We decided that while our daughter was still a child and under our supervision, she really could not make such a decision and did not have the emotional need or capapcity to deal with a situation like this."

She's seventeen, hardly a "child." Teenagers are amazing human beings. She doesn't magically change at eighteen into becoming an adult. Seventeen year olds are beginning college, romances, lifelong friendships. Let her explore or she'll be a very bitter woman towards you, and you don't deserve/want that.

"If she wants to when she is older, then I cannot stop her, but I am really afraid right now that she would not be able to really understand this woman's place and could be taken advantage of emotionally."

Okay... What do you mean by "taken advantage of emotionally?" Do you mean bmom is going to cut her off from feeling emotions from other people and demand she not have relationships with other people? (Read that carefully.)

"She is at a really important place in her life now; being accepted into a good college, her last year at really being a kid, all the normal stuff that we have strived to give her and she does not need to be sidetracked right now by things much less important to her life's future."

I am a part of many things, as are all people. You can't place a value on what will effect her. For a lot of adoptees, having that biological connection makes a huge impact on her life. We can never totally know what a person needs or feels. You have to give them room to grow.

"While we were discussing this, I guess she over heard my husband and me, but R didn't say anything. I was not going to talk to her about it since we had made a final decision. I just noticed that she started acting odd."

She's acting odd because you're forcing her to be helpless about something that holds meaning for her. Be gentle; you could potentially break her spirit. Your daughter deserves a say in HER life. You can't live it for her.

"Aparently, after hearing us, R went on to some internet places and read all this stuff written by biological mothers about the children they adopted out and the "mother child bond" I don't know exactly where she went, but thet stuff that she is saying is crazy!!! She is talking about how children were stolen!WHether we "cohersed" her biological mother. And is demanding that we allow her access to her "natural" mother. She will not accept that it is not possible for at least another year and will not listen to reason at all. Suddenly, I have become the worst mother in the whole world and I feel like my heart has been torn in two! And she keeps trying to "educate" my other daughter also."

This is going to sound really mean and I'm sure this will get me reported, but as an aparent, not an adoptee or a bparent, I have to say it. MAYBE she's angry and feels like you were manipulative towards her bmom because you're seemingly behaving in a manipulative manner now. You're not allowing her to explore her roots or the chance to even decide if her bmom is worthless. And she may be a total wicked pig, but that is YOUR DAUGHTER'S decision, not yours! YOU are hurting your relationship with your daughter at a critical period. This is when she needs you to be the mom and be supportive! I'm not saying you have to support visits, but maybe help your daughter write a letter. What is the harm???

"We have taken away her laptop so she can't read this nonsense anymore ( and here I am asking for help), but she is like a changed person. All I know is that if she acts like this after just knowing a little bit of information, then there is no way she can handle anything else right now. She is angry and nasty and talks about adoption all the time. She claims we are all in denial and not accepting her "true self"- oh, it is terrible!"

Who is her "true self?" People are constantly changing and growing intellectually. You can't shelter her forever. This can bring you closer or tear you apart.

"So please...what can I do? How can I get my daughter back and make this nightmare go away?"

You walked into "this nightmare" when you adopted a child. Sorry, every situation comes with its unique challenges. Learn to love and accept it. You and your daughter both deserve to feel happy and loved. Give your daughter back her laptap and apologize. Now is the time to recognize she's becoming a strong, intelligent lady.

Good luck,

Mike

I said NOTHING out of malice, but out of my own slow understanding of the process. Feel free to pm me to discuss your feelings. I agree with the other posters; bmoms are usually pretty cool people.

[dl]

originally posted by Cheryl62
Read, read, read on this forum. Give this forum's address to your daughter - far better she get support and advice here, than from some of the sites she may have been visiting.

Respectfully disagree ~ I would not encourage her to read any forum. In fact, when I read PattiPanCakes post:

"R went on to some internet places and read all this stuff written by biological mothers about the children they adopted out and the "mother child bond" I don't know exactly where she went, but thet stuff that she is saying is crazy!!! She is talking about how children were stolen!WHether we "cohersed" her biological mother"

I didn't think of an anti-adoption site at all. I, like Volfe posted, felt she had been HERE, on this forum.

PattiPanCakes: Unexpected events tend to change our world. Many times this creates fear and panic. What's done is done ~ it can't be changed. It is unfortunate that your daughter overheard the conversation between you and your husband vs. being told in a supportive, loving manner. From what you described, the conversation sounded very negative in tone. Perhaps family counceling would help all of you. There are therapists that specialize in adoption related issues. It could help you deal with your fears and it could help both you and your husband support your daughter as she decides whether to have contact with her biological Mother. It is her decision. Legally you may be able to postpone it for a year, but that could cause irreparable damage to your relationship, not only with this daughter, but with your younger daughter as well. I agree with the others that you should not speak negatively about the biological parents and you should avoid the stereotyping. We are all humans and we are all unique. Just because we fall into a certain group, whether race, religion, gender or a place in the triad, does not determine who or what anyone is or is not.

I had wonderful adoptive parents. They're both deceased and I miss them daily. A few months ago I met my biological Father. He is a very nice man and it gave him peace and made him so happy to learn that I did indeed have the life he wanted me to have. This changed absolutely nothing where my feelings for my parents are concerned. If anything, learning the truth about my beginnings confirmed that joining my family through adoption was a blessing for me.

I do hope you and your family seek help from a good therapist. Otherwise, you and your husband may indeed find your relationship with your daughter deteriorating. Not because the biological Mother made contact, but due to your own reactions.

Had to respond to this one. I am a 47 year old adoptee that also had support of my aparents in my search. I never knew about any fears they may have had...And I am sure they had them....they totally understand MY NEED to know about my biology. They in no way shape or form negated that NEED. It did NOT take ANYTHING away from them. My aparents are my mom and dad. My afamily is my family.

I do understand your fears but just as bmoms need to put aside there wants and be realistic about there ability to parent, it was that realistic thought that made you the parent you are today. You need to be realistic in that your daughter IS your daughter...BUT she is also someones elses daughter. Your daughters needs, wants and questions are to come first. She is 17 and is deserving of knowing the truth now as it happens....if you hide it from her you will forever loose her trust, something that all human realtionships are based on. Tell her your fears of her being hurt....but realistically you don't know if she will or won't be hurt. Tell her that you don't want to much distraction in this time of her life..and why....she will ultimely make the decision...as she should. She will only be "under your rule" for a short time. Come next year she can legally search and do it behind your back...would you not want to be there for her. The fact that you THINK she doesn't want to know is only to protect you. Have you ever point blank asked her ...without any judgement...Do you really KNOW OR CARE how she feels. The reality is you came to be a family through adoption....you can never pretend otherwise. Her biology is different then yours and if she wants to know her biology she has a right to know and how much easier for her if you supoorted her. As an adoptee, one of my issues were , how we as adoptees always had to tip toe through everyones feelings and not "hurt" anyone. How we are supposed to be "grateful" for just being born, we are supposed to be ever so "grateful" that we were not aborted, that we were adopted into wonderful families, that we actually have a life.......Don't get me wrong...I am gratyeful for the turns my life has taken but no more grateful then anyone else, Funny, my born children don't even need to think of that...they just know they are part of this family and don't "owe" any more then any other child. They just are....all children deserve that whether adopted or not....

There is an articule in todays Boston Globe about a korean adoptee searching for her roots....she just wants to know....it DOES NOT CHANGE HER FEELINGD FOR HER PARENTS...it does not make her ungrateful, it does not make her any less of her parents child. One thing she said was "I just want to know" Thats how I felt and still do.....I just want to know, I understand totally.

Try to temper your own fear and really look to your daughters needs. Yes, maybe you felt you would have to deal later, some vague concept you nevere really thought would happen...but it has and needs to be dealt with now, it s your daughters story.

BTW...I have always felt that late teens IS usually to young to deal with these issues. I do agree with you there......but the wheels are in motion and if you really want whats best you need to ask her first, let her know that you value her judgement. This just may affect your realtionship for ever.....secrets are not good.

Shirlyville.....where ae you...she needs to hear your story....and the betrayel you felt!!

[Shoshana]

I doubt I have anything to add besides what the other posters have already said.

I also believe that you have made an --assumption-- that your daughter isn't interested in knowing anything about her biofamily because she hasn't shared her feelings/thoughts with you. Adoptees are notoriously adept at protecting aparents feelings. We know when our questions make our parents uncomfortable so we stay silent. I also believe that if you continue to try to 'protect' your daughter in the manner that you are currently doing, you'll risk losing her for a long time.

I never talked about my questions with my aparents although they always told me that my birthmother loved me. They never implied anything close to as negative as what you've written in your post (things like waltzing back in and taking over...). The lesson I learned was that my birthmother loved me - she was a good person. Nonetheless, I never talked about needing to know. I was afraid of hurting my mom. When I was 18 I joined a search group and it took me two years to get the nerve to actually begin my search.

At first, my mom was threatened and insecure. I spent a lot of time and energy and perhaps wisdom beyond my years to reassure her that I loved her and that finding my birthmother would not change our relationship. I was wrong - it DID change the relationship with my aparents - it improved it. My mother made a remarkable leap of faith and put her fears aside in order to put my needs first. I can't imagine what I would've done if she'd reacted like you have.

I think you have your work cut out for you. Your daughter IS adopted. All the pretending and sheltering and protecting in the world won't change that. SHE has the right to decide if she wants more information - she has the right to decide if she wants more than information. Not you. In a year, she'll do it anyway and then you will have lost the ability to be a true mom to your daughter.

Sometimes life requires that we make hard decisions. It requires that we not couch our fears and insecurities in the guise of 'it's not good for someone else.' Even if your daughter's birthmother isn't a teriffic person, your daughter will still gain from knowing. You'll have the chance to share her joy, or to support her in her pain. If you continue on this path, you'll only have the chance to bear the brunt of her legitimate anger.

[raisinette]

I agree with most everyone's posts here that it is not too late to talk to your daughter about this, support her, and put her feelings above yours. However, for the few (very few) that are attacking her for her "what if" statements...let her vent! That is what this board is for. For (adoptive) parents to come in and vent! She wasn't making assumptions about the birthmother, she was simply being Mama Bear. I've been on birthmother boards who assume, about adoptive parents they don't even know, that they are self-serving, scam artists. Those boards are THEIR place to vent. OH, how I wish their was just one safe place for all members of the triad to voice their thoughts, and fears, etc, without people getting their proverbial panties in a wad. We all hear about the stages of grief, particularly for birthmothers, to just let them grieve. Let them be what they are, let them get their thoughts and feelings out. I wholeheartedly agree, but everyone else needs that same opportunity. Hugs to all. Now stepping off my soapbox.