[MNelson]

Originally posted by wroughtnharv
http://www.dmagazine.com//article.asp?articleid=731

I loved your story ... I bawled through the whole thing. What an amazing dad you are.

[wroughtnharv]

I loved your story ... I bawled through the whole thing.

Don't feel like the Lone Ranger. I wrote it. I still cry when I read it. (I didn't cry when I broke my foot on the job. I didn't cry when I cut off half my thumb with a saw. So I'm not a crybaby in anyone's book.)

One of the reasons for writing the story was for scenarios just like this one. Where a family is in crisis over an adoption. I'd like to offer another perspective for their consideration.

I'd like a young lady to consider that she wasn't given up because she was unloved. But because she was so loved.

I'd like the adoptive parents to believe that getting an adopted child doesn't automatically mean they're getting damaged goods.

And I'd like a young mother who's considering giving up her baby to understand that her life will go on. And someday that child will find her. And the best thing she can do is be ready with a happy family and life. There can be happy endings for everyone involved.

[Katrinad]

Thank you Wraughtnharv, your story is beautiful. I have printed it out, and will keep it. I'll give it to everyone who wants to know "why". It doesn't matter where in the world we live, we all share the same emotions. Isn't that amazing.

[nugget]

Please help a newby!!
How do I find the story you are all referring to?

[nugget]

Oops! I see the link now. Sorry........Going to read it ....I'm in Dallas too.....

[amom4life]

I just read the story too and it is beautiful. Thank you for writing it and your daughter is blessed to have a man like you in her life.
Judy

[PattiPanCakes]

First, I want to thank you all for taking time here to talk to me. I never thought so many folks would even care. It's very touching.

I have spent a big part of today really thinking about it all and everything that everyone has said. I really do love my daughter and I do want her to be happy. I don't want her to feel out of control or lost because of something I don't like or want to face.

I read alot of stuff here and I never thought adoption was so complex. It was something we just had to go through to get our family. When I say that we never think about it, it is true. I don't. And we don't talk about it either at home. I guess that part is over.

I tried to talk to my husband tonight. I was telling him some of the things said here and he got really angry at me and accused me of "gong to those crazy places" like Rosemary!! I had to explain to him that everyone has been pretty nice. He really has it out for whomever Rosie had been talking to. I know she has not been talking here, but I have no idea where she got some of her other info from!! I have seen nothing here that slightly resembles the fillth that has been coming from her!! I wish I knew! I think she is really distorting some of these things she has been told by her so called "new friends"

He is not happy about the whole thing at all and I think feels that I am betraying him by trying to think differently. I hope the doctor can help us. We go tomorrow at 4:30. He thinks that she will just get a pill or something to make it all better, but I have a bad feeling about all this. But I have to do something to get her to talk to me again as her mother. All this week she has called me "abductor".
It was nice to read all the nice posts from other birthmothers. Maybe she is nice. Maybe this is just a bump in the road.
But right now they are all mad at me.

[Cheryl62]

Huge hugs to you... I know how much you must be hurting. And it's hard feeling like you're the target of everyone's pain and fear. Probably your daughter feels that way too -- and maybe now even your husband feels you're both "against him". This is probably as hard as it gets...hang in there.

I really applaud you for being willing to listen and to think, and to try to see things differently than how you have always seen them. Not everyone can do that. You obviously love your daughter very much....

Talk to the doctor openly, and if he/she doesn't help, find another one! Your husband may need to hear this from someone he instuitively trusts more than a website full of unknown folks!

I'll be thinking of, and praying for, your family... and particularly for you -- you're in a tough spot right now, and facing it with courage. Keep it up! I admire you....

Cheryl

[blueyes113]

Patti,
I'm so glad you came back and read the rest of the posts. We really are trying to help you reconnect with your daughter. Unfortunately, I think she probably found one of the anti-adoption sites. I've never been to one but I've heard about them. They think that ANY adoption for any reason is wrong. Any post that has anything positive about adoption is deleted. Only people who totally agree with their opinions are welcome. Every birthmother was coerced or tricked into placing their child for adoption. And adoptive families are the worst people on the earth. That's probably what she has been reading. It's no wonder she's in utter turmoil. She loves you and these people are telling her that adoptive parents are evil people. I really think the counseling will help all of you. First to help her realize that she already knows you and that you can't be these evil people. Second, to help you realize that her birthmother was probably just a teenager in trouble who has been wondering about the baby she gave up all these years and decided to see if she could find out. And third to help your husband realize that no one is trying to take his family away from him. Even though I'm sure he won't tell you that, I'm sure that's what he's feeling.
You will be in my prayers as you try to pull your family back together. Please let us know how it all works out.
Blessings to you all!

[redhedded]

I second Cheryl's sentiments. I have thought of you often in the last few days and have read every post here; I have tremendous compassion for you and cannot begin to imagine the pain that both your daughter and you are experiencing. I think it counterproductive to talk about what you should have or could have done differently; the fact is you are here, at this time and must find a resolution. You have to listen and provide unconditional support; this may be the toughest time any of you will ever experience, and you need each other.

Patti, While many 17 year olds are immature and insecure, many are not. In fact, some are more confident and assured and wiser than some 40 year olds that I know. Your daughter IS an adult; you have spent almost two decades loving, guiding, supporting and encouraging her. Please allow the strength of character and self worth that you have helped ensure to guide her to make sound and intelligent decisions about what is best for her and her future. Give her room to grow, discover and find herself. Is it too early? I am sure that it seems so; however, any young woman who is on the edge of going to college, leaving the nest and trying her hand at independence is going to stretch her wings. Be there to support her. She clearly needs to feel some control over her life and her choices. Maybe she needs you to listen closely, not just listen, but really hear her.

I agree with the other posters who have encouraged you to open the lines of communication; tell her you were wrong and reacted out of fear and pain. You need to be strong and not burden her with the responsibility to make you feel okay; this is about her and self discovery, which in my opinion, has much to do with her adoption but even more to do with the natural events of this age.

I am thinking of you and your family and hoping that the coming days are filled with peace, strength, love and open and honest communication.

[Katrinad]

Hi there,
My own belief is that in a family, the woman is the leader. The menfolk come home to her, the kids look to her. We are the "forgers". In a loving home, we are the one who guides the direction of the family. There is a lot of fear in your home at the moment, and it is so hard to be the one to "put the boots on" and clear the way, but it's what you need to do. I'm so glad you read all the posts and came back, I've been thinking about you too! We all know that in your heart, you know it is up to you - we'd never have heard from you again otherwise! It's a tough job, but you can do it. Gather up your family and lead them forward. Your daughters need a strong, woman role model, and guess what? YOU'RE IT!! Show them how to be.

[PattiPanCakes]

Oh, I can't believe something like that even exists?? How can people go about telling a young girl such lies? No wonder she hates us!!!
Whats a url? Is that like a link? Yes, I would like to know!!
I feel like I need to know what I am up against. She has been somewhere and now she hates us. I want to tell the doctor what I have seen too. I can't her her saying that stuff all the time to everyone she mets. You have no idea!!!!
Now that I am not feeling so scared, I do feel angry that someone could take what has made my precious family and try to ruin it without even knowing us. That's just terrible. Here all you folks are trying to help and others are breaking it down.
Thank you all for your kindness.

[Cheryl62]

Patti:

Some of these sites are simply hateful - spewing bile -- on adoptive parents, and on adoptees. Someone posted a link to an anti-reunion site today that accused adoptees of being more likely to be mass murderers, and claimed that many reunited biological relatives suffer from "Genetic Sexual Attraction" that makes incest likely. It also claimed abortion was a good thing, since it made the planet less cluttered with sicko adoptees. Sick, sick stuff. I'm not sure I'd recommend you getting into that stuff and reading it. It would just make you mad, and want to cry. I sincerely hope your daughter's not reading that kind of garbage, because it may make her feel something is wrong with her. My guess is, from what you've written that she said, that she's more likely to have been exposed to sites that talk about the coercion of birthmothers in adoption. Not to say that didn't happen - it did - even if only passively sometimes, particularly in my generation, with society saying a young woman could not possibly raise her child and give it a good life. But some of the sites go much farther than that.

Maybe it's better to see if the doctor can get her to talk about what she's read -- and let HIM/HER be the one to question the reality of that as it applies to your family. She is hurt and angry now -- and the secrecy reinforced her fears. She will come around -- I really believe this -- if you are open and her ally. At heart she loves you very much, and does not really want to believe any of this.

Get some sleep before tomorrow - be brave and open - and let us know how it goes. We're all pulling for you...

[Cheryl62]

Patti - one more thought -- I can ASSURE you that your daughter does NOT hate you. Children say these things when they're very upset with us (well, adults do too sometimes) -- but it doesn't mean they really feel that way. She loves you. She is just angry and confused. I cannot tell you how many times my kids have said they hated me over much smaller things, and then been sweetness and light the next day, without seeming to realize how much I hurt over what was said.

Please don't beat yourself up. We all do the best we can. You're doing the right thing - you're asking questions, you're questioning your beliefs, and you're trying to be there to support your daughter. You're a family - and you love each other - and you WILL get through this.

(((((more hugs!))))))

[LoveRiddenDad]

Patti,

The good news is that you never step in the same river twice. Things are always changing. Tomorrow is a new day and being sad is pointless. You know more now and more importantly, you can begin to make peace with your daughter.

Mike

P.S. Everyone gets frightened. The notion of "bravery" is absurd; there are only those willing to work through their fears.