[Shoshana]

-----"So I am suppose to HELP her do something that might rip our family apart?"

Yes, you are supposed to HELP her and be involved in her contact with her birthmother - doing otherwise, as you have already seen is what is ripping your family apart.

-----"I don't know too much about all this open adoption stuff and maybe I should."

Yes, you really should read about adoptees experiences in reunion. You should read letters from birthmothers so that you can break down the stereotypes you have. You should understand that for many adoptees it is not mere curiosity, but rather a deep psychological need to know their roots. A need that doesn't just go away because of school, or boyfriends, or college, or aparents beliefs that the adoptee isn't "ready". You need to educate yourself and leave your fear and anger at the door when you're reading and talking to others who have experienced this.

If my 73 year old mother and 80 year old father can be in a friendly, extended family relationship with my birthfamily and be happier for it, why not you? I was from a closed adoption when nothing else existed. They had no reason to expect it to change - in fact, they were told if I was loved enough, I wouldn't want to know. That was simply a naive platitude." My need to know didn't dissipate, it only grew as I did.

-----"Really, the fact that the girls were adopted is not something that we talk about often. It doesn't matter to us how they came to us, they are 100% our girls."

So you family is operating under the "as if myth." As if they weren't really adopted, as if your family is no different from any other. In someways that is true, in others it is not. It DOES matter that they are adopted. You are living that fact right now. They may be 100% your daughters, but not in the same way that biological children are. There are other people involved and your children have a right to know their history, if they choose.

-----"This wasn't supposed to be an open adoption and none of this was suppose to happen." That's what we wanted and that's what we had."

And here is where you were blind-sided. Even if the birthmom hadn't contacted you, your daughter, from what you've said of her reation, would have made it happen sooner or later. That's what I meant earlier when I said there were hard decisions to be made. How do you know it wasn't "supposed to happen?" There are no guarantees that an adoptee won't want to know her biological family. To believe so is simply naive, and a part of the denial, and the "as if" problem.

-----"I just don't understand how someone cn just change the rules on a whim and expect everyone else to go along with it."

I don't see that waiting 17 years for contact could be construed as a whim. You have the power, for another year anyway, to try to force your family back into the mold in which it once existed. I think you'll be unsuccessful with that strategy - and the consequences of doing so have already been discussed.

Instead of being angry about the birthmother's "whims", why aren't you asking adoptees what they think? How they feel? How they handled decisions to contact their birthparent? Why they needed to do so? How they cope when they're not allowed or able to do so? THIS would be an educational experience, and one that would be putting your daughter's needs first.

-----"Maybe she does just want to know that R is happy, but do I get any say in that?"

Sure, like I said, you've got the power for one more year. But why in the world wouldn't you want her to know that your daughter is (or used to be) happy? After the incredible sacrifice she made for the good of --her-- baby, wouldn't it be the moral thing to do to put her mind at ease?

-----"Do I know that writting her a letter will not be opening the door to something horrid?"

Frankly, "horrid" is a possibility, but more than likely, a dramatic overreaction based on fear of the unknown. And if you find the strength to shift gears, YOU would be there to help her. To beat a dead horse, I still think "horrid" is already knocking at your door - because of the way --you-- behaved.

-----"Right now I do not feel very trusting as she has already broken the rules."

Would you have truly felt any better if she'd waited til your daughter was 18? I broke the rules when I found my birthmother and it was the best thing that could have happened. It allowed me to become a fully integrated --adult-- (remember, I was 18 --and immature for my age-- when I formally began this process). And anyway, where is this "rule book"? Is she supposed to follow the antiquated "rules" of closed adoption when it is very possibly in your daughter's best interest to have her questions answered? Perhaps instead of anger you can come to a place of acceptance and maybe even gratitude. It seems like you have a very negative view of this woman and chances are that your fears are groundless.

-----"She knew what she was getting into when she gave that baby up. How is it my problem that she wants to know now?"

Do you know this for a fact? She might have been pressured - yet she gracefully kept silent for all of these years. She quite possibly made this decision out of the purest of intentions with no real conception of the consequences of not knowing. It IS your problem because YOU adopted her daughter.

-----"I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but a **** has broken in our house! She didn't come home last night and was back on the computer at her friends!!"

I'm surprised that you thought that taking away a lap top could keep her away from computers. They are ubiquitous - she'll even find them at school, the library, etc.. If she is on a quest for information, she will find it - apparently without your support.

-----"This afternoon she reuturned and She threw a huge stack of papers at me with all these horrible stories on them screaming on "How do I sleep at night knowing what I have done to her mother"

Perhaps your rigidity in response to her birthmother's contact has led her to believe there was coercion involved. Again, you could have been a part of this process and helped her find the positive adoption sites - like this one - at least it's well balanced and respectful.

-----"I AM her mother!!"

Of course you are. NOTHING can change that fact, nothing can erase 17 years of history. She is talking out of rage and powerlessness. If her mother were able to apologize and aproach this in a different manner, I doubt you'd be getting those nasty comments.

-----"We have made an appointment with someone recommended by our doctor, but I can't beleive this has happened. We have never had any need to go to any head doctors before."

As a "head doctor" myself, I am a firm believer in the power of therapy. It is an excellent idea and I hope you find some peace and healing there.

-----"It would just not do for me to go back on my word now. Her father would never allow it. He has said that she cannot have any contact until she is an adult. And that is the way it is."

Even if you were wrong? Even if the consequences of your approach were to be far more damaging to your daughter's ego and trust than allowing some sort of contact or information? No wonder she's furious.

-----"She will just have to get over it and be patient if its that important to her.

But that's the point! She's not going to "just get over it." Being adopted, having a biological family is NOT something that just goes away - no matter how wonderful, how loving the adoptive family. Your sentence "get over it if it's important" is a pretty rigid pronouncement to give to a loved one.

-----"It has nothing to do with how I feel. I want what is best for her. And it is best this way."

I'm sorry, I agree with the other posters. Your needs, your fear of the unknown, your anger at the birthmother for acting on a "whim" and changing the rules", your desires for a closed adoption "by the rules", your insistence that you know what is best has EVERYTHING to do with how you've chosen to act. If you were able to appreciate the very legitimate needs of adoptees, you'd be helping her instead of shutting her out.

-----"I'm sorry maybe no one can help me."

The first thing that has to happen before someone can help you is that you have to be willing to listen. You have to be willing to measure the consequences of the different paths of action. You have to be able to realize that your daughter, even if you don't talk about it much, is adopted - and realize all that that entails. '

Again, if --my-- parents could handle this - even in the "dark ages", anyone can. Do you realize how much MORE I loved them because they were able to put aside their fears and worries and help me? How much more I loved them because they made the effort to really listen? How much more I respect them? How much more I need them? Do you know what I learned aside from my biological history? I learned that no one can ever replace my parents. Each time my parents interact with my birthfamily (which happens every summer during vacations), I feel so blessed and grateful that they didn't force me to follow the "rules."

[rastachris]

I've read most of the posts and I apologize if I missed that someone already said this, but contact with your older daughter's birthmother - letters or otherwise - can and should be made through the agency that facilitated your adoption, or an adoption attorney. Afterall, you said it was the social worker who contacted you about the birthmother's interest in contact.

I would strongly encourage you to speak with the social worker at the agency about the situation and seek her/his counsel on further action. Chances are the birthmother simply wants to know how her child has been. And that information can be shared through the agency with no identifying information exchanged. Your social worker should be able to mediate the level of contact that is most appropriate for ALL of you before any actual contact is made.

I encourage you to think lovingly and completely about your daughter's lives and what you would like to proudly share with their birthmothers. (Yes, there is always the chance that your younger daughter will have contact with her birthmother someday, too.) You can write about and share their accomplishments thoughout the years. I think you have a choice in how to handle this situation, and from your most recent post, it's pretty clear that you've chosen to fight rather than embrace this opportunity to show your daughters how much you love them and their birthmothers for their gift of your children. I know it's cliche now, but if you love someone, set them free. If you grab them by the neck, sit them down, and tie their hands as you plug your ears and tune out their cries for help and understanding, they're more likely to resent you, or worse. I honestly think the plan of action you are currently taking is most likely to bring about that which you are most afraid of - losing your daughter(s). Not to their birthmothers, but to yourselves.

Now go do the right thing.

Tina, adoptive mom

[LoveRiddenDad]

"So I am suppose to HELP her do something that might rip our family apart?"

Cutting her off from information she knows exists potentially can rip your family apart.

"Really, the fact that the girls were adopted is not something that we talk about often. It doesn't matter to us how they came to us, they are 100% our girls."

Why not discuss it? Of course my own children are very bit the children of my S/O and myself, but primarily, they are autonomous beings that belong to themselves, not their birthparents, adoptive parents, or anyone else.

"This wasn't supposed to be an open adoption and none of this was suppose to happen. That's what we wanted and that's what we had. I just don't understand how someone cn just change the rules on a whim and expect everyone else to go along with it."

Okay, the universe is NOT linear and NOT simple. We exist in a chaos theory and everything exists in a state of flux. Experience means nothing in this game and you never step in the same river twice. The rules won't stay the same no matter how much you desire them to. Sorry. All you can do is work with it.

"Maybe she does just want to know that R is happy, but do I get any say in that? Do I know that writting her a letter will not be opening the door to something horrid? Right now I do not feel very trusting as she has already broken the rules. She knew what she was getting into when she gave that baby up. How is it my problem that she wants to know now?"

How does a letter open up things for something horrible happen? If you cut off all contact and keep your daughter under the rule of low information, you're creating (potentially) a runaway situation or never seeing your grandchildren when your daughter has them. I know that isn't what you want. You can't isolate someone like that and expect their love. I don't know if you're Christian, but even Jesus said to, "Break, break against the rules of old," (from the gospel of Mary). I am not a Christian, but Jesus and Buddha are certainly some of my biggest role models. Both men knew sometimes the old rules weren't the best way.

"I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but a **** has broken in our house! She didn't come home last night and was back on the computer at her friends!! THis afternoon she reuturned and She threw a huge stack of papers at me with all these horrible stories on them screaming on "How do I sleep at night knowing what I have done to her mother" I AM her mother!!"

I don't agree with her behavior here, but I understand the root of it. Here's the opportunity to talk with her about your own insecurities. It looks like you guys need to discuss this. Your daughter has two mothers, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you mean any less. We don't have a finite amount of love in our systems; most adoptees will tell you that.

"We have made an appointment with someone recommended by our doctor, but I can't beleive this has happened. We have never had any need to go to any head doctors before."

If you get counseling, I suggest family counseling. This isn't an "R problem," this is a family problem.

"We have always had respect in our house. The girls have always behaved appropiatly. It would just not do for me to go back on my word now."

Because if you go back on your word, you might have to face the reality of being wrong? I'm wrong a lot. It's easier for me just to admit I'm not perfect. I don't think my children expect me to be. They do expect honesty.

"Her father would never allow it. He has said that she cannot have any contact until she is an adult. And that is the way it is."

Yea verily. And Daddy said so, and it was so. Sometimes, people make decisions that don't always work. These need to be reconsidered. This doesn't seem to be working. Anyone else agree?

"She will just have to get over it and be patient if its that important to her. I just don't know how to get her to see that. It has nothing to do with how I feel. I want what is best for her. And it is best this way."

How is this best? She's having to sacrifice and you're giving up nothing. How is this best for her? Tell me.

"I'm sorry maybe no one can help me."

Several others and I have offered you help, love, and support. No one can help you if you're hellbent on suffering.

Mike

[Cheryl62]

Patti:

I know you're suffering a tremendous amount of anguish and stress. And I know it may be hard for you to really hear what people here are telling you, given the amount of fear and pain you're in. But we really do care, and want to help.

Most of us have thought about these issues, and have experience that can help you think through how to proceed. The genie is out of the bottle, and there is no going back, no matter how much you wish this hadn't happened. What is important now is for you to find a way to keep your family together, and cause the least amount of pain to "R".

I have learned with my own children that I get more respect from them when I am honest about my fears and failings. Particularly as they get older. They learn from us -- including how to change course when we're wrong, to honestly question our fears and motives, and to make amends when we have acted wrongly, even if it was understandable. Your daughter will trust, love, and respect you more for being able to do this. And those are the things you want from her now -- you will not get them by being seen as her enemy, or by being dishonest with her. She cannot help but believe the worst until she knows otherwise - particularly when it is being held as a deep, dark secret that you will not discuss. She may well see your reluctance to establish some contact with her bmother as "proof" that there is something being hidden. Far better to openly address these questions than to have her imagination work overtime.

Please consider family therapy - there are many bridges in the relationships to be rebuilt. You need to hear from her how she feels, what she wants to know, what she's afraid of, or angry about. And she needs to hear from you and your husband as well - but in a supportive way that is trying to work through this, while building a mature and supportive relationship with her.

Please also reconsider some form of non-identifying contact with the agency - this seems like a good first step - to answer her questions, to allay your concerns about the b-mother's motives, character, whatever, and to give reassurance to the b-mother that the child she bore is alive and well. Surely as a mother you must understand why she may want just this...just to know that what she did was right, that her child is well?

Please also read up on how adoptees (even "old" ones like me) feel about the need to have questions answered. It is not true for everyone, but where it is true, there is very little anyone can say or do to stop the need to know. Please ask us our feelings -- you will find that the vast majority of us love and respect our parents, and while we may have wanted contact with our birth families, we were not seeking new parents, or even any additional parent. Just to have our questions answered, and maybe for a friendship to develop. The more you know, the less you may be afraid. And this is a bridge you WILL have to cross sooner or later - if not this year, then next.

I asked my mom recently, when I was searching for my birth-mother, how much she wanted to know about what I found. I knew she was afraid. I reassured her as best I could, and tried to make this as easy for her as possible. She told me she wanted to know everything - that she would worry much less if she knew. Would that be the same for you? If so, I encourage you to be supportive of your daughter now - so that you can be part of this, to be a support to her, and to be in a place where you have more information, and less wondering.

Your daughter and you are at a crossroads. This is not a small child's temper tantrum about having a toy. This is a deeply emotional and painful situation for her, where her loyalties and identity are at stake. You have an opportunity now to choose whether to be on her "team" or seen as the enemy. That IS how she is seeing it - no matter how much you wish otherwise.

Please support her, please talk to her, please do not let her run away from you to have her questions answered. She still needs you. But as her ally and friend, not as her jailer or authority figure that blocks her from what she feels just now is about the most important need she has -- whether you agree or not. Us moms have such difficult jobs - and the job description is always changing. "R" is growing up -- she's facing a crisis -- she needs you to be there in her corner, giving her love, understanding, support, and good advice. No matter how much it hurts you. To do otherwise will hurt her more - and, will hurt yourself more in the long run as well.

[wanttobeparents]

I've got news for you. If your daughter is staying out all night without permission and using computers at other people's homes, yelling at you and thinking that something horrible has happened to her birth mother, your family already IS torn apart. How you handle it is up to you.

You can ignore it for another year, fight constantly with your daughter, wait for her to get your younger daughter in the same frame of mind, have her run away and disobey you, OR you can try to help her through this.

Believe it or not, this is not about you. This is not about her love for you. It's about a desire to know where she came from and be sure that her birth mother is ok.

If your daughter meets her birth mother in this frame of mind next year, it will not be easy for her. She will need YOUR support. Yes, support. This is about your daughter. She is a 17 year old that thinks that someone she cares about is in pain. She will do whatever she can to get to that person. She blames herself for the pain she believes her birth mother is in.

You say that none of this was supposed to happen. Well it has. You cannot pretend that things were the same that they were several months ago because they never will be again. You can wish all you want to, but your daughter knows about it now. You need to create a plan B because plan A is gone.

Plan B - Continue to assume that everything is the way it was, fight with your daughter, never know where she is, understand that she may not come home at all one day. She will contact her birth mother when she turns 18 and probably leave home to spend more time with her and get to know her. She will be so upset about all the changes that she will probably not go to college as planned, assuming that she is even still living with you. But since her father has said that there will be no contact until she is of age, there will be no budging.

Plan B - Go the the counselor, bite your own tounge, and be on her side through this. Ease her into contact, be the shoulder that she can cry on, be the one that she comes home to. Listen to her fears. Nothing is worse than what our own imaginations can come up with. Help her get facts to work with. Show her that you will always be there for her no matter what happens. Show her that you love her beyond all reason.

You want what is best for your daughter. Which plan sounds better for her?

Peggy

[wroughtnharv]

Do me a favor and read this. My daughter's story

I personally find your post an expression of ignorance and irrational fear. Not to mention an insult to all birthmothers and their families.

The best way to describe my daughter would be that she had the wisdom of Solomon after having the frailty of character of David.

She's my hero. I'm glad she picked the parents she did. I would be one upset grandfather if I even dreamed the child ended up in your situation with your bigotry.

The ultimate gift to a child isn't having the baby. That's automatic. The ultimate gift to a child is to give it opportunities not immediately availabe under the circumstances. Your daughter, like my granddaughter, might have been given to you because she was so loved, not because she was unloved. And you need someone with such courage and love in your world.

[Volfe]

Well Patti,

You're in a fine mess now. And the only way out of it is through knowledge (to combat your ignorance), apologies (to your daughter) and just plain being open to her.

A good parent should put the needs of their children above their own.

Closed Adoptions can open on their own accord when the children are old enough. I think yours seems to be of age for she has deemed it so.

Did you even read the posts and really consider them? Maybe you should read them (and really think about what each member of the triad has told you, adoptees, birthmothers and adoptive parents have all answered your call for help). Then print them out and sit down with your daughter and try to make amends.

Make Amends! It's cleansing.

Realize that you were not your child's first mother, someone has loved her for longer than you have. That someone would like to hear from her daughter now. It will happen. will you be a part of it or left by the roadside?

Don't try to think you can control your daughter. she's proving that you cannot. Work with her not against her.

Yes, I think counseling would be good for you and like another poster said, you might be surprised at the direction it takes. Just be open to what they say.

Maia

PS Wroughtnharv, your first link is bad, but your second link is good. Cute grandson too

[wroughtnharv]

Thank you Maia,

The second link she's referring to is my website. "Life is Good" signature.

Another is http://www.dmagazine.com//article.asp?articleid=731

I can understand Patticakes fear. The unknown can be a terrible thing. It's greatest threat is the fear, not the reality.

But there can be no feeling of accomplishment without overcoming a challenge. If we deprive our children challenges then we also deprive them of what makes them strong. You can't make a sword without heat and a hammer.

[79nic]

May I just ask two simple questions?

Why do you feel it would definitely not be in your daughter's best interest to know more about her birthmother?

And also... what do you think of when you hear "open adoption"? --what do you think a birthmother's role is, in an open adoption?

I am sorry you and your daughter are hurting.

(((Hugs))) to both of you in this difficult time.

Nicole

[BabsCanada]

Dear Patti,
I hope the fact that no one has offered advice that supports your position has turned you off searching for help here.
I strongly agree with all posters here; I think you really, really need to listen to those who have experience in all aspects of the triad.
For starters, I do think that you are assuming way too much about the birthmother and what she wants. She isn't knocking on your front door. She didn't invite herself to your next Sunday dinner. She's waited 17 years to find out answers to her questions, and I think you should, in honouring her position as the woman who made you a mother, at least give her that.
Unfortunately, the whole situation has now gotten so out of hand that the easy road is no longer an option.
You need to sit down with your daughter(s), and yes apologize. You can certainly let them know that you were / are afraid. If they love you (and I'm sure they do), your initial reaction to this contact will be forgotten.
I know that 17 years ago this was a closed adoption. I know that 17 years ago some people still believed that closed adoption was for the best. I know that TODAY the great majority of the triad recognize open adoption as the best way.
Opening a closed adoption will require the assistance of counsellors and social workers, especially for you. You need their help.
I know you don't want to open it. But if you, your husband, and your daughter(s) can agree on some contact, I think everyone will benefit.
Your daughter(s) will know that you are not denying the woman who gave them life. Your daughter(s) will have answers to questions that have undoubtedly been in their minds. Your daughter(s) hopefully will be assured that their birthmom(s) are OK
You and your husband will continue to be the parents of you daughters, and know that you can support them in this chapter of their lives.
The birthmom(s) will have answers to their questions, and relax in the knowledge that their daughter(s) have had a good life.
Couldn't you start with a simple conversation with your daughter, I would think with an apology for jumping to the wrong conclusion, and again you can tell her that you're nervous about it; find out what she'd like to know about her birthmother, and ask her if she'd like to write a letter, ask her if you can help write the letter, (in present state of mind, I can see that you'd at least want to preview the letter!) but make this a simple step, a small amount of contact, enough to reassure daughter & birthmom that all is well. It's not asking a lot. A letter, a photo.
I'm rambling and other posters were much more succinct in putting their thoughts together; I do hope you're still checking here for advice and I do hope you take it to heart.
Wishing you all the best,
Babs

[raisinette]

I'm so sorry for what's going on with your family right now. It's not right and it's not fair, but it is happening. Someone may have already mentioned this, so if it has been mentioned, I apologize. But with you being so opposed to her having contact with her birthmother, may make her feel like there is something wrong with her birthmother, which in turn could make her feel like there is something wrong with her. She probably feels very in the dark right now and while your world has been turned upside down, hers is absolutely spinning out of control. This has probably brought up feelings for her she didn't even know she had or acknowledge. Please be there for her, do this with her, and no matter what happens in the immediate future, one day she will realize what you did, all in the name of love for YOUR daughter. Don't think about her as her 17 year old self right now, think about her in her 20's, 30's, 40's, etc. Then think about yourself at that age. How did you feel about your mother, the one who raised you, nurtured you, loved you? She may or may not love or have a relationship with her birthmother, but NOTHING will ever replace the fact that you are her mother. A 17 year old may think that now, but it won't end like that if you just support her right now.

Patti,

Please, for the santity of your family, listen to what we are saying.

I trully am responding in a caring maner. I KNOW you must be so fearful, I know it was easier to "pretend" she was all yours, but my heart is breaking right now for your deaughter...yup...she is being a brat but she does not have any idea how to process all of this.

I beg you for the sake of your family...STOP....hug your daughter and tell her she will get through this....the fact she is SOOOO misinformed regarding bmoms is a lot of the problem,. She needs to be told that she is not responsable for her bmoms happiness,nor is she respoinsable for your happiness. This child was born to live HER life..just like any other child. the fact that you had to make your family through adoption is not her fault, the fact that bmom was unable to parent and may be regreting that now is NOT her fault. The adults in this childs life need to let her be her....a product of both of you....the adults in her life are hurting her right now.....you all say you are parents..prove it by putting her feelings first. If after RATIONAL,unselfish and 2 way communication YOU all come to the conclusion she is not ready then go with that....but be respectful to her bmom...let her know she is ok.....the feeling you have for your daughter, the love you have for your daughter is also being felt by her bmom...most do not lose that feeling. The worry you felt with her being gone one night is the same worry her bmom could have felt all her life. Try to see it beyond your persective. You may find it easier then fighting a losing battle. You may win the battle but you won't win the war.

Are you hearing from the adoptees that are telling you how much we loved out parents.....BECAUSE THEy RESPECTED OUR POSITION AS AN ADOPTED PERSON! Cruise aroud the forums and you will find stories of adoptees who have nothing but anger towards their aparents....because they were not honored as an adopted child. The "lets pretend" prevailedand they eventually had trouble in their relationships.

When I tell you I do understand your fear...I really do....but your fear will be your undoing.....put aside your fear and think of your daughters confusion right now.....in reacting in a authrortive manner is only making her push back...are you calling this discpline, do you really feel you are protecting her...you don't know her bmom...she may not need to be "protected"...What are you expecting her to"learn" in this whole thing, that you can still "controll" her.....she is teaching you otherwise!

My thoughts are with you and I hope that you do come to a resolution...and I hope your family stays intact.

Donna

[joskimo]

well you've gotten a lot of advice, but what I would do (this is the 17 year old right?) is tell her that you'll support her and her wishes...after she goes to conseling to deal with her current feelings and prepare her for her potential feelings with a reunion.

Our situation is different raising nephews, their mother is always somewhere close by and never forgotten, but last month our 14 year old decided he wanted to live in the same town w/ his mom, but with his grandparents. Grandparents said no, so he decided he wanted to live with mom. We know she's not a suitable parent but he's at an age where he can make life ever so difficult if he wants, so we told him if it was what he really wanted, if he and his mother underwent counseling for a few months, telephonic, that we would support him.

It turns out he was just paniced about facing his firsrt year of high school and has dropped the whole thing.

[abbiejane]

"Really, the fact that the girls were adopted is not something that we talk about often. It doesn't matter to us how they came to us, they are 100% our girls."

You may not think about your daughters as being adopted all that often--it's just one part of your life--but it can be their whole world. They are detatched from so much that made them who they are, and they have questions. You have to be respectful of her need to know. Telling her she will just have to be patient and wait, is really going to set you against her for good. She's going to go looking--wouldn't you rather do it with her than letting her go alone.

I know that we all have a much different view of this. So many of us have been a part of an open adoption and we can see the benefits involved and have made our peace with the hard parts. I'm sure that this has come as quite a shock, but that isn't just adoption--that's life, with curveballs a plenty. You have to take her hand and help her through this, as with anything else, or you may not have her with you in the end.

[nugget]

I am a 32 year old adopted daughter.
I have been thinking about my birth mother from the time I can remember, while at the same time loving my adoptive parents.
Two months ago I found my bmother. She passed away when I was just over a year old. She was in an auto accident. During my search I shared very little with my aparents because I didn't want them to be hurt or feel less needed. Once I did get my information I shared it all with them. They are my parents and I felt that they deserved the respect of knowing the same information that I knew.
So please take a moment to let me share?
I called my parents ( they are in Ohio, me in Texas, otherwise I would have done this in person) and told them that I had some important information that I needed to share with both of them.
As I child I imagined my bmother asd Barbie, as an adult I imagined her as a heroin addict.
After telling my parents what I had found out (bmother dead and now an older half sister that she did raise until her death) this was my amothers response: " I would have never helped you in your search. I would also not stop you but I would not help you. My fear was that you would find out bad things about your birth mother and that I would not be able to help you like you would need me to."
Well as I said I now share everything with them.....our lines of comunication are open where they were not before.
I always knew that my aparents loved me and that they wanted the best for me. At the same time I have always "needed" to see who I look like and who I act like. And I know that this can be hard for a non adopted person to understand and even more tough for an adoptive parent. Your daughters reaction as you described it tells me that she has had a lot of feelings and questions about her bmother that she choose not to share with you. Please know that that does NOT make you a bad parent or person. She might have felt that sharing with you would hurt your feelings in some way.
I think the goal here is to keep the comunication with your daughter open......even if it is not plesant. She may say hurtful thinks but try to remember that we lash out sometimes at those we love the most and she must be in a lot of pain and confusion right now.
You have done the best you can up to now so continue that. Please try to hear what she is saying, this is a chance for you to really be a part of her discovering her self and with out knowing how things are going to turn out she may really need your full support when all is said and done. And please know that she is not trying to hurt you by wanting to learn more about herself.
You will be in my thoughts. Please feel free to send me a private email if you need too. There is a book I'd like to reccomend although it doesn't sound like now is a time for you to go and sit in a corner with a book. It's called Twenty Thingd Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge.
As an adoptee I know that it was almost imossible to tell my parents how I felt unless it was in a fit of anger, I didn't want to hurt them.