[Kelly1975]

I've been reading alot of posts in different catagories on this message board and it seems like there are alot of aparents doing an open adoption or wanting to have an open adoption. Every time I read one I feel more guilty and selfish that I want a closed adoption. Am I just a bad person?

I mean, I guess I understand the need for the bmom to want to know about their child as they grow and see them and be a part of their life but I've been waiting so long (3 miscarriages and almost 5 years) for a baby that when the Lord sees fit to let me have one through adoption, I want it to be all mine. And as I'm typing this out I realize I sound selfish but I can't help feeling that way. I would never keep the truth from the child as it grows up and can understand and process the information and what it means to be adopted but when that happens I want it to between he/she and us, the parents. I don't want there to be any confusion as to who is the mother. I don't want there to be the bmom and the amom for them to have to distinguish between.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't want to share. I want it to be our baby like any other biological baby would be. Is that so wrong?

And how do bmoms look at that kind of attitude when they are trying to select the aparents? I would never mislead the bmom, letting her think we would be interested in an open adoption only to cut things off with her after we have the baby. I would want to be honest from the start but will we be looked over more because we want a closed adoption?

And let me say that I have the utmost respect and am in awe of bmoms. They are special people. It is nothing personal against them or their situations, it is all about me and the bonding that I want between me, my husband and our baby. I would be happy to meet and talk with the bmom as many times as she likes. I'll go anywhere she wants me to go with her and help her in any way that I can before the birth but when everything is said and done and I have a baby in my arms I need to feel like it's just mine.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

The only thing that I can think to say is that I am sure you are not alone, and Im sure there are girls out there who would want a closed adoption. I respect that you would be up front and not lie about it.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

oh...one more thing though....

but when everything is said and done and I have a baby in my arms I need to feel like it's just mine.

While you will be the parent....this statement will NEVER be true. The child wont be only yours. A closed adoption would not change that...

[BrandyHagz]

I just wanted to add that most open adoptions aren’t done for the benefit of the birthmother, they are in place to benefit the child.

Only you know what you can do, or are willing to do. It’s not selfish to want things to go one way or the other…its just how you feel, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Open adoptions allow the adoptee more of an opportunity to know more about their roots and so forth. Sure, birthparents have the added bonus of knowing how the child is doing, but that isn’t the driving force behind open adoption.

By the way, your feelings are normal and natural.

[Daisha]

Kelly ~

Don't feel selfish. Everyone has different wants and different feelings and there are potential bmom's out there that want the same thing as you do. There are bmom's out there who have choosen a closed or semi-open (letters and pictures) because they feel that a totally open adoption is NOT in the best interest of the child. I have talked to many who feel this way.

I feel the same as you do in many aspects and have felt guilt for being "selfish". But to each his own. This forum has made me realize that it is okay to feel and to want whatever it is that we feel and want without the guilt.

I also absolutely agree that we should always be up front with a potential bmom on our intentions. They are special and should never be mislead.

Good luck in your quest for a baby!!

[79nic]

Kelly,

LOL... you're probably wanting to hear from aparents, and here you're hearing from three bmoms right off the bat!

I just wanted to say there are some great things about your post....

For one, you seem to not hold this stereotype of bmoms as being total losers, drug addicts, prostitues, etc. THANK YOU for that.

Second, you are being really honest, and that's always the best way to make an informed decision.

Also, I would like to ask what "open adoption" means to you... what does it look like? what do you think of when you hear "open adoption"?

I almost feel like posting my "What open adoption is NOT" list here.... You seem very worried about feeling like the baby's mommy. I can assure you, I would never want my bdaughter's mom to feel like anything less than her mommy.....

As Brandy eloquently stated, the driving force really should be about what's best for the child.

As Brandy and Christine both said, though, it is MUCH better to be honest about what you can't do than lie and change an agreement. Glad to hear you would not do that-- that is wonderful.

Last point... I am in favor of openness. But in spite of that, I will say, to address your concern about being chosen-- there are still birthmothers out there who want closed adoptions. If you do go with closed, you can still get placed with a child.

Good luck in all your soul-searching. And I am sorry for your struggles with fertility... That must be very hard.

Take care,
Nicole

[BlueMommy]

I am the same way pretty much. I think that when I read about these very open situations that I am missing that gene. Many amoms talk about how great it is and I applaud them but it would make me nervous.

It would not be my personal choice to have visits from the bmom after finalization either. I am a very shy person to begin with and I think I would feel very uncomfortable, clearly like I was the third wheel.

We have always maintained that we are seeking a semi-open situation with a meeting in the hospital before placement and letters and pictures through the agency after.

In fact we turned down a match because the bmom was looking for direct contact with us and we were not comfortable with that. Our agency (at the time) made us feel very guilty about turning it down, but we felt certain that it was ultimately unfair to the bmom to present ourselves as anything but completely up-front with full honesty. I know we did the right thing.

Good luck and know that adoption comes in every color of the rainbow not just black and white.

Robyn

[LoveRiddenDad]

I agree it's important to be honest... but I wanted to harp on numbr's point: A child is never totally yours. You always have dads, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and eventually that child grows and expands his or her social circle.

I think it's fine to need what you need. Some birthmoms don't want an open adoption. Everyone's different.

[paigeturner]

Kelly,

21 years ago I placed my bson in a closed adoption. I didn't understand at the time that there were other alternatives. However, given my mindset at the time, I probably would have still placed in a closed adoption. From the minute I found out I was expecting, I thought of the baby as belonging to "someone else". I knew that if I didn't I wouldn't have the courage to part with him.

Looking back, I think it would have been extremely painful during those first couple of years (I barely hung on anyway) to have contact with the beautiful baby I gave to someone else. For me, I was able to recover and go on to a wonderful life. I'm just now starting to think about searching for him.

My only regrets are that I didn't have a say in who would be chosen to be his parents. I know nothing about the family he belongs to or about his health and welfare. I wonder what kind of a man he's become.

I really admire all of the families on this forum who manage open adoptions. I know it must be very scary for adoptive parents and sometimes very painful for birth parents. Reading the posts here have really educated me.

What I'm trying to say is that I believe you'll find someone who will want a closed adoption. Not because they care less than others, but because its what that person needs to be able to get past the pain of relinquishment.

I wish you all the best. You sound a thoughtful and caring woman.

Rhonda

[3inCO]

Hi. When we adopted our first son we were willing to talk about open adoption, but I must say that I was somewhat relieved when I found out his b-mom wished for only letters and pictures. Untill....he came home and I started to understand that while I would be his mommy, there was someone else out there who has so much to do with who he was. Weather she was around or not, she and his birthfather would always be a part of him. As he grew, he had questions that I could not answer. I felt like I had done him a disservce by not trying harder to leave the door open a little more in the start. He is 8 now and just got an e-mail from his birthsister yesterday. He so longs to know what they are like, what they are doing and most of all just if they are ok.

My second son's birthmom had placed before and wanted a similar experience, again with pictures and letter. However...this time we at least have been able to have his paternal Grandparents around.

By the time my daughter came, I knew it was not about what I wanted. I totally believe that it makes me a better mom to my kids to encourage as much knowledge about their birthfamilies as possibe. They are my kids. We are 100% bonded. I never for one minute think of them in any other way. But they will never be just mine. My family was formed in a different way. Not better or worse. Just different. And because it is different, I can't pretend that they are mine and mine alone.

It is important to be honest as others have said. Promise only what you know you can deliver on. But...as someone who has been there, please leave the door open. You may find yourself wishing you knew more about the birthparents and find yourself worrying about how and where they are. Unable to answer the questions of a little person who you love very much. For me, it is hard NOT to love their birthparents. Without them, my children would not be. Please be true to your feelings, but don't shut the door.

Becky

[Kelly1975]

First, let me say, I appreciate all of you that have responded.

To clarify, I know that the baby won't ever be just mine. I guess that thought stems from fear. Fear of the whole process. Fear of the bmom maybe changing her mind. Fear of not having a bond with the baby that would be as strong as the bmom's with the baby. Just fear.

Nicole - After reading the replies I've gotten, I realize that I may have the wrong idea about 'open adoption'. When I think of an open adoption I think of being a 'co-parent' for lack of better words. Like the bmom would come around as much as she wanted and be as big a part of the child's life as I am. That maybe the child calls both of us mom if he/she knows that the other nice lady that visits and obviously loves them so much is their 'real' mom. Maybe the child grows up a little and starts spending the night or weekends with his/her 'real' mom and eventually forsakes me altogether and goes to live with her!

Now I realize that may be a little dramatic or that maybe I've just watched too many movies on the Lifetime channel for women so don't be too hard on me. I'll be the first to admit that I know nothing about adoption. That's why I'm here. To learn. I've honestly never thought about it being easier for the child down the road to be able to find out about themselves. I just seems threatening to me, that I'm leaving myself open to heartache.

But again, thanks for the replies and I'll take any more clarifications and advice that I can get.

[mckenna]

i did not read all the replys to you, but i want you to know that i have many friends with adopted children that in no way want an open adoptioin (granted, most of my friends adopted through the state and there are other issues). i have an open adoptionwith my son's bmom. open adoption only works if everyone can respect each others roles in the child's life. many of my friends are scared like you are but as they see how our adoption is working they realize that it is not as scary as it may first seem. what every you decide has to be right for your family and as long as you are open and honest up front and no one is mislead things will work out. good luck to you and i hope you find out more answers to your adoption questions. it is a new and exciting world.

[79nic]

Kelly,

I think the coparenting idea is rather prevalent. It is absolutely not coparenting (unless you want it to be! never yet met anyone--bmom or amom--who did).

My little list of what it's not... (and first let me acknowledge that some of the people on these forums, and my own bdaughter's mom, have helped me to clarify this......)
___________________

Open adoption is not.....

...coparenting. Adoptive parents are the parents: they get to make the parenting decisions. Period.

..."strange" or "unusual." It has been around for about 20 years. It is actually a more normative relationship than closed adoption, in that the adoptee is not made to feel they are some shameful secret, and in that the birthfamily and the adoptive family are both a natural part of the adoptee's life.

...confusing for the child. If the aparents are clear that THEY are the parents, there is no reason for the adoptee to be confused. Kids define people by their roles in their lives. You kids will know that you're the mommy because YOU will be the one caring for them day in and day out.

...for the benefit of ANYONE besides the adoptee. A good open adoption is not about what makes the adults "comfortable." It is about what is good for the adoptee. This means that the openness agreement might need to be flexible. If, at some point, it is not benefiting the adoptee to have a relationship with the bfamily, then the openness agreement may need to be tweaked. The openness is not for the benefit of the bmother. While visits and contact might hurt at times, if it will benefit the adoptee, she needs to continue with contact. Ditto for aparents.

... a hindrance to "moving on" with life. It is possible for a bparent to maintain contact and still heal and move on. (I would argue, it's healthier than no contact.) It is also possible for the afamily to have contact with the bfamily, and still bond as a family and forge ahead with family life.

...the same as semi-open adoption. Semi-open (exchange of pics and letters) maintains a channel of communication between the afamily and bfamily. Open allows for a growing relationship between the two families.

..."messy." Although openness means opening yourself to new people and new relationships, and it means talking about some possibly sticky issues (how much contact to have, titles for the bfamily), in the long run, it is less messy than a closed adoption. Closed adoptions can lead to a feeling of incompleteness for the adoptee, questions the afamily can't answer, bfamily fantasies, denial, and awkward future reunions.

...that big a deal!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really. It's like any other relationship: it takes a little energy... but it's worth it.

___________________________

I think when people hear "open adoption" they think that means no boundaries. It actually SHOULDN'T mean that. You have to have boundaries, just like any family. Example: I have a baby girl. Earlier this summer, when she was only 4 mos. old, my mom tried to give her some butter pecan ice cream. Well, I freaked. They're not supposed to have nuts that early, it could cause a severe allergic reaction or choking.

I TOLD my mother I did not want her to have that ice cream. Period. She respected that. Period.

That's how it should work with a bmother, too. YOU make the parenting decisions--SHE is there to dote on and love and (later) answer questions for your child.

It's not only OK to have boundaries, it's healthy.

In my open adoption, we are like extended family. We see each other a few times a year... we send emails sometimes... this year we went on vacation together.... they were at my wedding.... What can I say? It's wonderful. And it works because we all practice basic courtesy. I would never show up at their house without calling. I would never try to "parent" Marie. Marie calls me "Nicole" (never any form of mom).

I think those boundaries are key.... don't discard the whole idea of openness based on the coparenting idea.

[BrandyHagz]

It has been around for about 20 years.

It’s actually been around a lot longer.

Open adoption used to be the only type of adoption, but in the mid to late thirties, things really changed, and the world of closed adoption was introduced. It was also about this time that the words “bastard” and “illegitimate” were removed for the adopted child’s birth certificate. It was also about the same time that birth certificate changes took place, and sealed records were required.

Open adoption, as a recent revolution, started taking place in the early to mid seventies. A select few attorneys and agencies advocated for openness because they believed it helped the child.

I am an adoptee, born and raised in an open adoption in 1973.

[2boyz1girl]

Kelly,
our dd was placed with us as a foster child at the age of 10 days. Up to that point I had never even considered an open adoption. To be completely honest, we were initially willing to maintain contact with our dd's bfather in hopes that that would convince him to relinquish. Well, he did relinquish finally, but not because of that. And we do maintain contact, but not for that reason. After already promising the bfather that we were willing to maintain contact, I started researching open adoption and came to a whole new realization. My uncle is a psychologist and runs a group home for troubled teens. He works with several adopted children, and says that the ones that have some kind of tie to their birth family do so much better. I'm not trying to convince you to have an open adoption, just wanted to point out that there are benefits.

There are varying degrees of openness ranging from frequent visits, to occasional pictures and letters only. If your child did know their bparents it would be up to you how well, or even what to refer to them as. If you're not comfortable with actual visits (I won't lie -- it's not always easy), you could consider a semi-open adoption where you keep in touch with the bparents through letters and pictures, you could even send them through an agency and you wouldn't have to disclose each other's whereabouts or full names.

I can assure you that our dd knows who her Mommy and Daddy are. We are the ones who take care of her, we are the ones that she is attached to. I've also been told by some great members from this site that kids in open adoptions are less likely to have the "fairy tale" ideas of what their bparents are like, or what "could have been." If they know (at least of) their bparents, and know their reasons for placing them for adoption, it makes sense that they would be more secure.

You have to do what you're the most comfortable with, and like other posters before me have pointed out, there are bmother's out there who also want a closed adoption. I just wanted to share that I have found that open adoption is really not so bad.