[LisaCA]

hi kelly,

I chose an open adoption for completely selfish reasons. I wanted nothing to interfere with my bonding with my daughter, and not knowing how the birthmother was would do just that for me. Also, I wanted to look into my daughter's eye and say that I did everything to keep her bmom in her life and accessible to her. I can now say that her bfamily loved her, and actually mean it. I have my thoughts about her bmom and that day she was placed in my arms, but it's not just my thoughts that she'll have. Hopefully she'll be able to talk to her bmom, ask those questions that we'll know she'll have, and then she'll know the thoughts of her bfamily. I don't think I could adopt with a closed adoption, having no or few answers for my daughter as she grows up. and her bfamily will be a reality, not a fantasy family, with all their plusses and minuses.

for my daughter, she also gets another set of grandparents, aunts, and cousins, all potential kidney donors if she needs one (just kidding, sort of). I'm enjoying the extended family and hopefully she will too. Btw, we send out our birth announcements last week and included the bmom's name on them (our idea and we asked her permission, she agreed). She's sending out a few to her extended family members, to let them know that christiane is still part of the family and now so are we. Who knows where this will all lead, but believe me when I say I'm the mom, the one who holds her tight when she screams because of colic, who feeds her every 2-3 feedings, and who sings silly songs to her. And her bmom, a 15 year old, gets to try and go back to being 15 again. As far as we're concerned, it doesn't get much better than this:-).

about bmoms: the few people we've told are shocked that her bmom is a bright straight A young student from an excellent upper middleclass home, no drugs or alcohol and was a vegetarian (slipped back into meat eating during the pregnancy:-). I guess they assume that all black babies must be "crack babies" from the "inner city". We try and reeducate them about the complexity of these situations and that bmoms are just like them, from all walks of life. then again, everyone assumes we adopted due to infertility- so many assumptions in this adoption game:-).

take care,

LisaCA

[Kelly1975]

Wow! I'm amazed by all the responses and appreciate every one.

You guys have made me realize one thing, that whatever research I have done on adoption, it hasn't been enough. I obviously didn't have things straight on open adoption and will read more about it, on these boards as well as any books I can find.

Alot of the stories on here has inspired me to look beyond my ideals of adoption and find the true story. Truth is, it looks like there are more pros to open adoption than cons and I would have never thought that.

I won't lie, the fear is still there and I don't know if I will ever be able to achieve the kind of openess that some of you have between the bfamilies and afamilies but I will say that I don't think closed adoption is for us now either. We're just going to have to find a happy medium. I want to able to answer the child's questions and I don't want them to feel ashamed or think that I was ashamed of how we came to have them.

Again, I appreciate everyone's time and advice. You guys are great. I'm so glad I found this forum.

[tobeafamily]

Kelly,

As others have said before, the fears are normal. There is no risk-free way to become a parent. Choosing a path involves balancing risks vs. benefits. In doemstic parental placement, the 'spectrum' ranges from fully closed - no identifying information exchanged - to fully open, integrated adoption - where biological and adoptive families are 'united', everyone is just family.

No one point in the 'spectrum' is perfect for everyone - it's all about what works. In our case, having a fully open integrated adoption (ours is the most open adoption in our agency's 10+ year history) was completely natural, but with THIS family. I don't think it would work if they weren't so much like us that we would have bonded, Ryan or not.

It's important to understand that you need to understand what's the most and least amount of openness you think you can handle emotionally, then gague each situation within that. Remember, not every pbfamily wants complete integrated openness either. You may find yourself in the very strange position of wanting more contact then they do LOL.

It's MOST important that you not enter into relationships where you are truly unhappy and uncomfortable. This is where that little voice says 'this is not right' and 'we really don't want this' but is getting shouted down by the ITS A BABY voice. Listen to the little voice. Because to ignore it is to be dishonest to the child involved.

Don't get me wrong - openness in adoption can be HARD. Even in our amicable, loving relationships there are challenging times. What we remember though is that we are the guardian's of Ryan's history. It's up to us to keep those connections open until he's ready to take over.

As to learning more - first, switch off Lifetime. Worthless, fear mongering stuff. Then, head to the library. Check out "The Open Adoption Experience" by Lois Molina, "Dear Birthmother" by Kathleen Silber, "Secret Thoughts of An Adoptive Mother" by Jana Wolff and others. All are good publications.

Hang in there.

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[Linny]

Kelly:
I have takent the liberty of pm-ing you regarding this topic. I also would add that although I am not an advocate of very open adoptions.......I strongly believe that whatever is agreed upon by all parties involved, should be done with the full intent of carrying through the arrangement.
This is why it is SO important to study what is YOUR comfort level, and to stick with it. Do not allow any caseworker or agency to 'talk you into a certain arrangement' (whatever that may be)..........saying that 'if you don't your wait will be longer', or 'you're depriving the child of something'. This is for you to consider ahead of time, and only fair to all parties involved.

Sincerely,

Linny

[lisa in venice]

I believe that when possible open adoption is a great option for all in the triad, especially the adoptee. The thing is that open adoptions are as different as the people involved. I say don't limit yourself and make the decision on how open to be as the relationship developes. I am not saying to be dishonest but to be thoughtful and consider openness on a case by case basis.

Instead of going in saying I will only consider a closed adoption say let's get to know each other first and then agree together how much or how little contact we will have. Also make sure there is a mechanism for adjusting that contact as time goes on. For instance even in a closed adoption there should be a way for the members of the triad to contact each other in case of emergency or an evolution of the relationship.

lisa