[sugarbabysmommy]

Nicole's post is right on!! Adoption is not coparenting, and yes, many people you encounter, people who have nothing to do with open adoption, will insist to you that it is. There is a lot of misinformation out there. I advocate education and reading, that way if you do pursue closed you know what you are saying no to by not seeking open.

By the way, if when my little one turns 13 and decides to run away to be with their "real family" I have faith that they will put my child in the car and bring my child home. I have that faith because I know them.

Fear is hard to overcome, and it is present in both open and closed.

[BrandyHagz]

For the record, my nine year old son tells me he wants to move out about twice a week, and he his biological!

[mj77]

I am an amom in a closed adoption with our first son and a pending open adoption with our hope-to-be permanant second son. It seems like it would be nice to have a child "all to yourself" but as someone who has been there, I can say for myself, it is not all it seems. I adopted my son throught the state. The state didn't have information on any of my son's birth family, exept one brother (my son is #6). I thought about questions he might have as he grows as to his genetic history. I worked hard to meet up finally with his bbrother (who was adopted into another family) and at that time finally got to see a picture of my son's bfather and get more pictures of siblings and of his bmom. It was so valuable to see my son looks like someone (though there is some resemblence to us coincidently) and to be able to have those pictures for him. NO ONE can take my place as his mom. I am mom and will always be. Same with our younger son. I am not threatend by others wanting a part of his life as long as they respect that my dh and I are the parents.

With all that being said, I can say too, I understand when you go through infertility and you feel you have lost so much, it can be difficult to even think that you will never have a child the way you'd always imagined, you very own with no strings tied.

With our younger son, we are hoping to go to mediation with his paternal grandma. I am not so comfortable about all the contact she is hoping for as we just want to be a family with our boys, however, it is not about me. In his case, it's in his best interest to grow up knowing how much his bfamily really loves him and allowing them to express it to him.

There are different degrees of openness. Do what you feel will be most comfortable. It will be better for you to be honest than to regret something you agreed to then back out. Plus one day you will probably answer to your child on the whole issue.

[goin'batty]

I haven't read all the posts to you, so forgive me if I repeat something. I just want to start off with saying I'm not trying to push any agenda here. It's perfectly okay to want a closed adoption, and I'm sure there is a bmom out there who wants that.

I was also freaked out by the idea of open adoption. I had no idea why someone would want to share their child. Then I really thought about it. My aunt had adopted a little girl from China and she was just full of questions about what her birthfamily was like. Sometimes it really saddened her not to know anything about them, especially if they were okay. This didn't stem from her wanting to live with them or feeling unloved by her family. She adores her mom, but she was still curious. I thought what it would be like to not know about my background, whose eyes or nose I had, etc. Then I thought about all the questions that I wouldn't be able to answer, from medical issues to the very basic need to know why they were placed for adoption. Those are things I can't answer. I attended an adoptive parenting class where bmom's spoke, and I realized, they aren't people to be afraid of. They have made a decision to place their child with another family because they believe it to be best for that child. They have absolutely no desire to ruin that.


My partner and I are in a fairly open adoption. We have an agreed apon amount of visitation, 4 times a year, and we send pictures to her every month for the first year. She does not come to our house, we meet in neutral places. During our visits, I have never felt threatened by "L". She always comments on how glad she is to see how happy we all are, and I believe she means it. She's never tried to over step the boundaries. To tell you the truth, members of my own family are a heck of a lot bossier than her!

It's a hard thing for people to understand. People ask question like aren't you afraid of his real mother. I always answer back, I'm his real mother. The only people who seem to be confused are those who aren't involved. But I really wouldn't have it any other way. When my son comes up to me and asks why he was placed for adoption, I can call up "L" and have her tell him for herself. Hopefully, he will realize that it was because she loved him so much. It's one thing for me to tell him that, I'm his mom, I'm suppose to say those types of things. But to hear it directly from her I'm hoping will give him satisfaction that it is true.

Just wanted to share my thoughts with you.

[emiliesfirstmom]

It looks like you've been given some really good advice. Take some time with your spouse or partner to read up on open adoption and make a decision that you are comfortable with.

I am a birthmom in an open adoption. My daughter turned two this week. She lives one state away. I see her a few times a year, and I have frequent phone and email contact with her parents. There is no question about who her mommy is. She knows her amom is her mom. Her parents already talk to her about her adoption and who I am, even though she's too young to understand it. I would never dream of interfering with their parenting decisions or telling them what to do.

I chose open adoption because I felt it was best for my birthdaughter. Visits are wonderful, but they are also very hard for me. But I go because I think it's in her best interests in the long term.

You asked if your preference for a closed adoption would make it harder to adopt. Perhaps. But perhaps not. You never know. If you are not comfortable with visits - and many people are not - consider doing a semi-open adoption with letters and photos. Some agencies will act as a mediator for you, sending letters back and forth between birth and adoptive parents. That way you could still have information on the biological family, which your child would probably appreciate.

Remember, no two adoptions are alike because no two couples or birthparents are alike. Your adoption can be as open or closed as you and the birthfamily are comfortable with. Just be honest about what you want, and I'm sure you'll find the right match for you.

[wanttobeparents]

Kelly,

As an adoptive mom in a semi-open adoption and a fully open adoption, I can tell you what I miss in the semi-open.

The semi-open means that I send letters and pictures to the agency for my son's first mom to pick up. She has not picked up any of them. We have had no contact in the 3 years 9 months I have had Matthew, so it's much like a closed adoption.

Matthew is special needs, not that you can tell that now. He was never supposed to live in the first place, would be failure to thrive, would never walk, and he would be way behind on all of his motor skills and cognitive functions. He took his first steps at 9 1/2 months, he is 90th % for height, 50 % for weight, and is months ahead on all his skills except fine motor where he is 2 months behind.

I can't let her know how well he is doing other than write letters that I know she hasn't picked up. I couldn't pick up the phone when I was in tears over those first steps and tell her that he was going to be ok. I couldn't ease her mind when he started shooting up the growth charts. I can't brag about how he empathizes so much that he cries when another child in preschool skins a knee. I don't know if she's ok, if she went on with her plans for school, or if she is working anywhere.

For Matthew, I can't tell him anything about Heather, except that she was 22 when she had him. I know that the placement had nothing to do with the birth defects and that she had planned adoption long before they knew anything was wrong. I can tell him that I know that she loves him. But I cannot answer any questions that he may have. I have no pictures of her. I have no way to let him know any new medical history that comes up.

Michael is a fully open adoption. He has 2 birthparents that adore him, 4 wonderful sets of grandparents that adore him, and more aunts, uncles, and cousins than I can count. We do not co-parent, but I have a lot of problems figuring out who to call first when he got that first tooth, took his first step, and said his first word. They do visit, and we visit them. To me, it's no different than any other family visit. I love watching "L" hold Michael and watch him sleep. It warms my heart. We have full medical history on the family, so we are more prepared for the glasses at 5th grade, what cancer to look out for when he's over 50, and where his blue eyes came from. If he has questions about his birth family, we can dial the number and hand him the phone.

Yes, in the beginning we were scared. We were worried about all the things the lifetime movies warn you about. But we knew all that garbage on tv was just that, garbage. We knew that it would be best for Michael to have all the people that love and care about him in his life. Matthew adores all of them as well, and they have "adopted" him as theirs.

Don't go into any adoption promising more than you can give. But talk to people in open adoptions. You are welcome to PM me if you want to talk more.

Peggy

[mj77]

Honestly, this whole thread has made me feel a little better about open adoption. Thanks everyone.

[79nic]

Brandy--good point. Open adoption HAS been around longer than 20 years... it's just that, after closed took over, it was a while for it to start coming back in full force....

Although there were those orphan trains in the early part of the 1900's.... kids went off and never saw their parents again... has anyone seen the video on that? It's pretty touching. It was made a long time ago, but they interviewed some of the people (all older adults at the time the documentary was made) who'd been on the trains... and they were just really, really affected by never seeing their parents again. All those years later, and they'd still get choked up about it.

[79nic]

Oh, one more comment:

The risk of the bmom changing her mind is present no matter WHAT type of adoption you choose. You could choose closed, be matched, be told to pick your baby up from the hospital, never meet the bmom, and.... three days later, she could change her mind and decide to parent.

I am NOT TRYING TO SCARE ANYONE, but I am just trying to make the point that the level of openness in an adoption has nothing to do with the legal risk involved.
All domestic newborn adoptions are considered legal risk placements unless you a) live in a state without any revocation period, or b) do not bring the baby home until both parents have signed the papers AND the revocation period has elapsed.

[wretzack]

KELLY,

You couldn't be gettting more honest and open opinions than right here!! So far, everything everyone has said makes so very much sense. But I do want to say to BOTH sides of the "open adoption" process......you folks are so much stronger than you know. There are many people who would NEVER consider doing this. Even in the best interst of the child. They would or COULD never do it because they would not be able to keep their emotions nor priorities in check. It takes alot of strength to do this.

79nic...

I am a Bmom...and I NEVER realized that people seem to consider us to be losers...drug addicts....whores....prostitutes....etc. Did I miss anything?


Simone

[34andhopeful]

I just thought that I would chime in. My birthmother wanted a closed adoption. For some of the same reasons that adoptive moms want a closed adoption.

And after talking to her AND her Mom we agreed on semi-open adoption. And thank goodness for that. When my son started having medical issues, I knew exactly who to call (they live in AZ and I live in VA) and where to call to get more medical history than I already had. They ven had their dr send over some medical charts.

They are awsome and I am sooo thankful it was not a closed adoption.

[79nic]

Simone,

I would say you are fortunate. There is a bmother on this forum who was actually asked once, after telling someone she was a birthmom, "Oh, how long have you been clean?" As if it were an automatic connection.

[wanttobeparents]

My way of keeping it all in perspective is to remind myself that I will have to answer to both of my children when they are in their teens.

How will I tell them that I could have had contact with the birthfamily but chose not to? Will I be able to answer his questions about them?

How will I explain my treatment of the birthfamily? Will I have kept my promises?

If I would be ashamed to tell my sons about an action in 15 or 20 years, I don't do it. That pretty much keeps me straight.

Peggy

[wretzack]

79nic,

That makes me sick to my stomach. Someone like that should just keep their own opinions to themselves, because they are nothing more than a shallow waste of space.
P.S. I am glad to know that those words had not came out of your mouth, because I have read many of your posts, with respect. That is why when I saw those words....I saw RED!! And had to respond. Thank you for explaining.

Simone

[79nic]

OH GOD NO, I would never say anything like that. I am a birthmother, too.... good lord.



That is actually part of the reason I am here... just to let people know that birthmoms are not to be feared. I am a college (with honors) grad, never used drugs, drink about three times a year (never while preg.), yes a smoker but quit totally for both pregnanices, successfully married, etc...... And, as mentioned before, I would never want to intrude on Marie's parents being just that, her parents. So.... in part I am here b/c I want people to know that not all bmoms fit those awful stereotypes.