[Ldyjane60]

Has anyone who has or is adopting a newborn know if they can have problems with attatchment disorder. Maybe this sounds silly to some . People have told me sens I am not the one who is giving birth( Like I realy needed them to tell me that ) to the baby that it might . Mind you these are people who have never adopted a child and for see adoption as a form of legal kidnapping. But any how I am now reaserching this. Any have input on this and can you recommend some good books on the subject. Thanks Bea

[kinnj]

I almost adopted a baby boy last year that was disrupted, but anyway, I had him for 2 months and there was no attachment disorder. He was fine and he attached to me very well.
I am not really sure if that can happen, but they get to know the one who feeds, changed, cuddles and sings to them quickly. I think infants can adapt to their environment.
That is just my opinion.
KINNJ

[DebCsMom]

We have adopted 3 children as newborns. They are all VERY attached to us. There is absolutely no attachment disorders at all! Our son, who will be 1 in a couple of weeks is EXTREMELY attached to me! LOL Can't even pee without him coming with me. LOL

From the second i could I held them as often as possible. When I fed them I held them close, almost as if breastfeeding. I held them so they could hear my heart when they weren't eating & we were just cuddling. I sang (still do) their own special song to them whenever I held them. I touched them all the time, massaged them. While feeding I gently rubbed their face, hands, etc.

Some say that ALL adopted children have attachment problems. They say when they are in the Uterus they hear Moms voice & Moms heart. When they are adopted & no longer hear that safe familiar voice, that they have a hard time. MAYBE...but I know that with all our children they bonded very quickly. Never noticed any attachment problems. I have 2 bio children also, it was exactly the same.

The most important thing is to hold your baby close as much as possible. If you aren't able to bring your baby home from the hospital, leave a stuffed animal or T-shirt of yours that has your scent on it. I had a stuffed animal that I slept with for a few days I kept in the babys hospital crib.

Don't listen to people who have no idea what they are talking about. Those who have never adopted don't get it. Don't stress about it. Just love your baby the best you can!!!

Deb

[LoveRiddenDad]

Our kids came to us at two months (#1), newborns (#2 and #3), and at three weeks (#4). None of them had trouble bonding. Children are biologically programmed to bond with their birthmoms; it's a survival thing. They're inside her for nine months (hopefully). They know her voice and her smell, and they generally dig it. However, babies are survivalists. It isn't in favor of the survival of the child not to bond to the primary caretaker. If you're affectionately responding to her or his needs, the baby will respond back. Their brains aren't really "hardwired" until they're a year old and it's pretty easy for them to bond. I wouldn't worry!

Mike

[tlc4kidz]

We have 17 and 4 month old sibs. We got each of them right from the hospital. While we are still "just the foster family" we have not noticed any attachment problems. We are hoping that soon they will be officially with us forever. I also have 2 bios and have to say the bond is absolutely NO different. I have been a little more distant with some of our other fcs, but these guys felt as if they were part of our family from the beginning.

I have an adult friend who is an adoptee and tells me often that she gets great comfort from seeing how bonded we are to each other. She has asked me several times if I feel differently about them than I do my bios and says it has been very healing to hear me say "absolutely not" and to see me live it.

[lucyjoy]

Attachment generally occurs between birth and age two. There are some studies that indicate that attachment begins in the womb. While I do believe that babies are able to recognize their mother's voice at birth, adopting alone will not likely cause attachment problems. If the child is chronically ill, has lots of ear infections, mom becomes ill for a long period of time, or mom is unable to bond for various reasons, a child can develop attachment problems. This, however, would be true with a birth child as well.

In my opinion, one of the best things parents can do is learn about attachment parenting for infants. This is basically parenting for optimum attachment and is good for all infants birth or adopted.

Stop listening to anti adoption people-you'll drive yourself nuts.
Most children adopted at birth do not develop problems with attachment especially if parents are open about the adoption from the beginning.

[jewelewis]

I have had people say the same thing to me. I thought it was weird. Even babies in orphanges bond if given the chance. The problem is when there is no one to bond with. I have a 3 week daughter. We adopted her at birth. We have had NO trouble bonding. Her or us. As a matter of fact (im sorry if this offends anyone) when we had a visit with the birthmom dd cried the whole time. When she handed her back to me she stopped. She knows my smell,my touch, and the way I hold her. Dont worry about it for one more second. Babies just need someone to bond to and if you are the one nurturing her then you will be the one she bonds to.
Julie

[2boyz1girl]

Attachment disorders are typically caused by traumatic things that happen to the child. Such as being removed numerous times from caregivers that the child has successfully attached to (as is all too common in foster care). Also, having an abusive/neglective caregiver can lead to attachment disorders. It is not something infants are typically born with (although there is some research that points to prenatal substance exposure increasing the risk of attachment disorders). I really wouldn't worry about a newborn being able to attach to you. I too am a big fan of "attachment parenting". You might want to research Dr. Sears (I don't agree with EVERYTHING, but like him overall). We brought our dd home at the age of 10 days, and have to agree with Julie, that she was almost immediately more attached to me than to her bmother. Who knows what it really does to remove infants from their bmother, but as long as that infant is well cared for, they should be okay. I've heard several adoptee's say that they have always felt "insecure", which may be due to the fact that they were adopted, but that is not an attachment disorder. Sometimes I feel insecure, and I wasn't adopted (as far as I know). My dh's aunt's husband adopted three children before he married her. She took me aside when she learned that we were adopting and tried to "prepare" me for the "difficulties" of raising adopted children. I just took it with a grain of salt. All kids will have their own issues and the potential to be "difficult," adopted or biological. My dd just walked in the room, when she saw me she got a big smile and said "Mama". No attachment problems here!

[79nic]

There is some evidence that Fetal Alcohol Syndrome can lead to attachment disorders. However, I should say that I don't know a TON about this.... so I don't know if there is research on whether or not these attachment issues show up in FAS babies adopted at birth or not. (If a child is born with FAS and stays with the bfamily, it's likely that the bfamily are not the most responsive, best care caregivers, so it would be hard to tell whether the attachment issues come from the prenatal alcohol exposure, or the poor parenting, or both.)

Generally, I think you don't have to worry too much about this with a newborn. As long as you cut YOURSELF some slack. (The baby may not quite "feel" like "yours" for a while--but obviously you have to keep caretaking and cuddling--and eventually the bond should come. Also, some aparents feel like the baby is theirs from day one, so... this might not even happen to you. Just something to be aware of.)

[2boyz1girl]

That's what I was getting at, 79nic just said it better. Our baby was actually alcohol exposed, and that is where my interest in FAS/E contributing to attachment disorders comes in. That is exactly the researchers dilemma, whether the disorder stems from the alcohol exposure itself, or from the way these children are cared for after birth. If they remain with the family, they are often not given the best care. If they are placed in foster care, they are often bumped from home to home. So the rates of attachment disorders in alcohol exposed children go up, but they're not sure why. Anyway, our dd was alcohol exposed, has shown no signs as of yet, and is very securely attached. Sorry if this is straying from the topic, Bea's baby hopefully will not be alcohol exposed and it's not going to be an issue.

[Ldyjane60]

Thanks so much everyone for your replys it helps getting input from those who are there and have been there. I have Read some where about attatchment parenting for infants. I look forward to delivery day and can't wait to hold our little one. I am so looking forward to it all. Yes even sleep depervation lol. When my bio daughters where ( much ) younger I remember what it was to not being able to go to the rest room unless some little person was tagging along. Again thanks for all the input Take Care and God Bless Bea

[redhedded]

Hi Bea, I really cannot add to what has already been stated here; I think Lucyjoy stated it so clearly. The bonding process is quite individual, as I know many people who took more time to bond with their children than others (all of my points of reference are biological children of friends). Several of those who I have known that seemed to take "slightly longer" were having second children, sometimes close in age. In some cases I think mothers have tremendous varying levels of when they become overwhelmed or feel really tired; in addition, I agree that illness on the part of child or parent can lead to immobility or stress that slows down the bonding process. I know several women who gave birth and had little or no emotional/physical support from family; their processes and experiences seemed to be very different than mine. Please do not worry. Responding to the physical needs, touching, talking and keeping your baby close WILL create a bond and allay your fears. I would suggest keeping those who are creating these fears for you at bay.

I strongly suggest reading "The Baby Book" by Dr. Sears and his wife, Martha, RN. My husband and I both read it and marked lots of pages, along with many other books on parenting approaches, and found that most of "attachment parenting" was for us, and we would have used this approach, regardless of how our child came into our lives. Like 2boyz1girl, I found that some of his suggestions would not work for us, but it has been invaluable to us as parents.

[pingaa3]

I too was petrified that I was already harming this child coming into my life by "yanking" her away from her birthmom and detaching her and leaving her unbonded. I was very concerned about "bonding". I had purchased this HORRID book call Primal Wound which basically said that the initial removal from the birthmom forms a permanent irreparable wound to their hearts and minds that the adoptive mom (who is not the "real" mom) could never replace or heal that wound. The child would forever be damaged/wounded by that initial separation.

Pardon the language but what a sack of manure! While I do agree that newborns know the voices and scent of their birth mothers, I know for a fact that they can "bond" to whomever is their primary caregiver.

We didn't really do the "bonding" things that are so in these days. My DH and I didn't consistently feed our daughter with bare skin contact or any other specific method. We held her, picked her up when she cried, fed her when she was hungry, changed her when she was dirty, bathed her, played with her, cuddled her, sometimes slept in the same bed as her and in general loved the ****ens out of her, but we never specifically bonded in a prescribed way with her.

My daughter knows my husband and I are her primary care/love givers, her mommy and daddy. I'm the only one who can soothe her when she is frightened. I'm the only one who can get her to eat if she is cranky. I'm her mommy. Her daddy plays with her and can make her smile like nobody else, even me. Her face lights up when he comes home from work. She prefers to be held by us. My daughter is no more or less bonded/attached to us than our friends biological son is to his parents who followed the bonding advice. We love her! I like to think that she loves us.

Don't worry too much about the perfect bonding experience. You're child will "bond/attach" to you from the moment you take him/her home from the hospital. The tasks and love that come with daily care of a newborn are the bonding/attachment experience. It is natures perfect design to "bond" you to each other out of need and love.

Hope It Works Out Ok. Try not to stress on it too much.

I

[redhedded]

ping, I wanted to say that your post was beautifully written and the perfect response ; hopefully it was just what Bea needed to hear! I agree completely that the bond is created with those who are providing the care and love and hope that my post never implied that any specific philosophy or any special process should be followed in an effort to create bonding. It occurs naturally, and I, for one, never worried about it during the process or for a moment when my daughter arrived. We did exactly what you did, responding immediately to all of her needs and providing lots of contact, stimulation, "conversation" and love.

For the record Bea, we took only a few things from attachment parenting and discarded much more; mostly we just responded immediately, like parents have been doing for centuries. After rereading my post from last night, it seemed as though we gained much more than we did from AP practices. (Chalk it up to my being very tired) Bare skinned contact is one of those things that I thought silly and unnecessary for us; I never considered breast feeding for a moment, and our daughter, while occasionally willing to "be close" in the Baby Bjorn, hated the sling and preferred riding in the infant carrier, distant from us, so she could view the world. She also slept in her crib until she began having night terrors at 12 months. Like ping said, she is no more/less bonded to us than the biological children of friends who gave birth at home, breastfed, carried in a sling constantly and co-slept from birth.

Try not to worry another minute. Wishing you peace during your wait.

[Ldyjane60]

Thanks everyone its reasureing to know that I will in noway be causing harm to our Darling little one. I just want the best for him or her and be able to give him or her the best we can give and beyound. I wish you all The best God Bless Bea